Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Saturday, November 5, 2016

A Day In The Life Of A Dog

It is time once again for the point of view of the resident canine and feline, starting, as always, from the perspective of the dog...

7:22 AM. Waking up. Dreamed of chasing squirrels. As usual, the devious bastards got away.

7:26 AM. Looking out the front windows. Snow falling. It looks so lovely, though for some reason not everyone loves snow. I don’t know why, really, I don’t. How can you not love snow? Now then, it’s a weekend day, isn’t it? So that means there’s no sign of the evil mailman today. What do letter carriers do on the weekend? Hang out with vets and plot all sorts of evil acts against dog-kind?

7:30 AM. The human comes downstairs. Hello, human! How about some breakfast?

7:33 AM. Wolfing down a big bowl of kibbles. Yum yum yum!

7:37 AM. Human! How about letting me out for a run?

7:38 AM. Out the door for my morning run. See you later, human! 

7:44 AM. Running through the back fields, barking my head off, happy as I can be.

7:53 AM. Trotting through the woods. Spotting movement off to the left. Is that.... yes, it is! It’s that despicable squirrel!

7:54 AM. Stalking quietly. The vile squirrel hasn’t seen me yet. So close, oh so close. Okay, Loki, patience, patience... be ready to spring at a moment’s notice, and finally get my paws on that despicable critter...

7:55 AM. Barking my head off. Despite my attempt to be quiet, the squirrel managed to hear me and flee up a tree. He’s up there right now, taunting me and tormenting me and laughing his devious butt off. I’m circling around the tree, barking up a storm, staring up at him. Get down here!

8:03 AM. Continuing to circle the tree and bark, while that annoying squirrel chatters away up above. No sign of the little bastard coming down anytime soon...

8:08 AM. Okay, that’s enough. Obviously the despicable cretin isn’t coming down. I’m done here. Barked up a storm all for nothing, just barely missed nabbing that squirrel, I’ve had enough. One more glare up at the squirrel. One of these days, you overgrown rodent, one of these days... your luck is going to run out. And I’ll be there. You hear me? I’ll be there.

8:23 AM. Returning home. Barking to alert the human to my presence.

8:24 AM. The human intercepts me before I can step inside, and subjects me to the Towel of Torment. Come on, human, there’s not that much snow clinging to my fur. I can dry off naturally by the fireplace.

8:27 AM. Circling around three times by the fireplace before settling down. Time for a nap, I think.

11:58 AM. Waking up. Slept well. Would have slept better if I’d only had the chance to finish off that evil squirrel. If you ask me, and of course you are asking me, they’re up to something. Something awful. It’s the sort of something that might be world domination awful. Okay, enough of that line of thought. I see I’m awake in time for lunch, which of course is absolutely vital for any good doggie this time of day.

12:11 PM. Have successfully mooched a dinner roll from the human. Yum yum yum!

1:27 PM. Staring out the window at more snow falling. Looks like this could be one of those long winters some people seem to dislike. I don’t know why, I mean, who doesn’t like to go out and run and jump and play in the snow? Except vets. Vets are evil.

1:31 PM. Movement spotted out on the lawn. Hey, wait a minute... it’s that very same despicable squirrel. Right here. Right now. And he’s eyeing the bird feeders, as if he’s thinking of a raid on the bird seed. Human! You must let me out this instant! I’ve got a second chance to get that squirrel once and for all, and I won’t pass it up!

1:34 PM. After much protests and demands on my part, the human has finally opened the door. I bolt straight out, barking my head off. The squirrel starts sprinting for his miserable life. Hey! Get back here, you! 

1:35 PM. Foiled again! The little bastard has made it up a tree on the property and is busy chattering away at me! Oh, you bastard! You hear me? You’re a bastard! Bastard bastard bastard bastard! And one of these days, I’m gonna get you!

1:52 PM. The human calls me back in. I glare up at my hated enemy and bark viciously. Keep laughing, you cretin. But I’ll get the last laugh. You hear me????

1:55 PM. Subjected once more to the unwanted attentions of the Towel of Torment. Human! If only you’d opened that door ten seconds faster. I’d have had him. Honestly, I would. And now he’s going to run off and tell his little squirrel friends that he thwarted me, and they’re all going to launch Operation Squirrel Domination. When you’re forced to work in their acorn mines, you’ll remember this day.

6:28 PM. Dinner with the human. Blueberry and bacon pancakes suit me nicely.

8:37 PM. Lying on my back in the living room. The human is reading a book. I am engaged in the perpetual philosophical debate with myself: did Neanderthals have dogs?

11:44 PM. The human is off to bed. Good night, human! Do keep the door open for me, just in case I want to come on up at three in the morning and lick your face. In the meantime, I’ll be down here, guarding the house in between naps. Just in case that despicable squirrel thinks of breaking in and raiding the pantry.


  1. Just the best !
    Love the dog covered in show. S very funny.
    And thank you for the photo that looks just like my Scotty Watson.
    How many illegal Americans will be streaming across the border ?
    Do you have room for us ? Plus I need free health care.

    cheers, parsnip

  2. Darn squirrel. The selfie at the ballpark cracked me up.

  3. All dogs love bacon, don't they? You can tell by their faces!

    You find the best pix for your dog and cat blogs!

  4. You should really do a book of these dog and cat posts!

  5. Bastard squirrel! If he ever gets caught he may have to be killed and ripped apart a few times over!
    Cute stuff!

  6. @Parsnip: you're welcome!

    @Lynn: me too!

    @Cheryl: dogs and bacon are a good combination.

    @Norma: I should!

    @Lorelei: he'd have it coming!

  7. Oh, my! Some are so funny, yet some are sad! That's dogs for you! Funny and sad! Loved the post!

  8. I love these so much, as usual.
    I always thought that "Outside of a dog" quote came from Groucho Marx, but it looks like I'm wrong:

  9. Bacon and gray name is hey you sometimes.

  10. In spite of their differences, cats and dogs are much alike...they both give unconditional love and demand unconditional love, and they tend to get into all kinds of trouble for which they deny responsibility!


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