Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Saturday, December 13, 2014

Another Christmas Eve, Another Terrorist Incident

Some links to see to first of all. Norma has the opening to her book Superhero In Training available at Wattpad, and the details can be found at her latest post. Yesterday having had been a Friday, Parsnip had a Square Dog Friday. Krisztina had some Christmas decorating ideas.

Now then, as to today. Last year I reviewed my favourite Christmas movie, Die Hard. Therefore, it was time to review the first sequel, which happens to also be set at Christmas time.


"I think Cardinal Richelieu said it best: treason is merely a matter of dates. This country's got to learn that it can't keep cutting the legs off of men like General Esperanza, men who have the guts to stand up to Communist aggression." ~ Colonel Stuart
"And lesson #1 starts with killing policemen? What's lesson #2? The neutron bomb?" ~ John McClane
"No. I think we can find something in between." ~ Colonel Stuart

"Murder on television. Helluva start to Christmas week." ~ Trudeau

"Next time you kill one of these guys, get 'em to enter the code first." ~ Leslie Barnes

"You give me this story and I'll have your baby." ~ Samantha Coleman
"Not the kind of ride I'm looking for." ~ John McClane

"McClane! I assume it's you, McClane. You're quite a little soldier. You can consider this a military funeral." ~ Colonel Stuart

"Oh, we are just up to our ass in terrorists again, John." ~ John McClane


After the success of Die Hard, it was inevitable that there would be a sequel (and three more after that at last check). Die Hard 2: Die Harder was the 1990 film directed by Renny Harlin (Cliffhanger) and bringing back Bruce Willis and Bonnie Bedelia as John and Holly McClane, caught up in another terrorist incident on Christmas Eve. It is based on the novel 58 Minutes by Walter Wager, and weaves the characters created by Roderick Thorp into the narrative of that novel, which tells the story of an unseen terrorist taking control of a major airport's air traffic control system. It raises the stakes considerably from Die Hard, as sequels are often prone to do, and brings us a villain who's quite different from the first film's antagonist, but thoroughly ruthless.


Things open up in Washington on Christmas Eve, a year after the Nakatomi Tower incident. John McClane (Willis) is at Dulles Airport, having had arrived a few days ahead of his wife Holly (Bedelia) with the kids for a visit to his in-laws. He's picking up Holly, who's inbound on a plane, and the weather in the area is deteriorating as a major snowstorm is moving in. John's police instincts kick in regarding a couple of suspicious fellows, and an incident ensues in the baggage areas of the terminal. One of the men gets away, the other dies at John's hands, and John's suspicions are raised. His attempts to persuade the airport's chief of police, Carmine Lorenzo (Dennis Franz) of what might be happening go unheeded. Trudeau (Fred Dalton Thompson), the airport chief of operations, and one of his right hand men, an engineer named Leslie Barnes (Art Evans) are trying to cope with the weather and the chaos of holiday travel.


Which of course is when things go terribly wrong. McClane's suspicions are correct. Someone takes control of the airport systems remotely, including communications, declaring his intentions. An inbound military jet from South America is carrying one General Ramon Esperanza (Franco Nero), who will be facing drug traffficking charges in America. He sets down conditions for the General's release and warns the control tower not to interfere in his plans for the evening, or civilian planes will pay the price. McClane recognizes the sound of his voice from a chance encounter: Colonel Stuart (William Sadler), a disgraced former Special Forces officer with ties to Esperanza. With his wife's plane among those at risk in the snowy skies over DC, McClane goes on the hunt to find a way to thwart Stuart and his men.


The screenplay by Steven DeSouza and Doug Richardson took on some of the same elements of the first film- terrorist incident on Christmas Eve, antagonism with authority figures, ruthless villains, sarcastic hero- but then took them in different directions. In setting the story back east, but in a place not particularly his own (as would have been the case if the movie had been set in New York, as it is in Wager's original novel), it puts McClane out of his element, and in a situation where the weather is as much of an antagonist as the terrorists. The antagonism with authority figures plays out very differently from the first film, which was a wise course of action. Where McClane spends most of his interaction with Lorenzo in a state of mutual dislike (at least until late in the film), things are different with Trudeau, who's pragmatic and realistic enough to listen to the concerns of an out of town detective. This is very different, of course, from the first film, where we had Paul Gleason still berating McClane at film's end, and the FBI behaving like a pack of buffoons. 


Harlin has a good touch with action, and it certainly shows in this film, and would do so again in other work. He follows McClane's path through airducts and elevators, down frozen runways and in under-construction areas of the airport. Most of the film was shot in various locations such as airbases, and Harlin helms the film in the right way, showing a skill for ferocious action both at a distance and in the immediate up close and personal. He and his crew certainly convey the sense of weather being a factor in the story- anyone familiar with the Washington area knows what a bit of snow can do to cripple the city, and Harlin keeps the snow coming throughout the film, giving us a blizzard on just the wrong night for travelers, but just the right night for the intentions of his villains. He certainly knows how to film plane crashes- we get more than one here, and the sequences are spectacular. Harlin's direction keeps the pacing of the film going nicely; there's no real slowing down here. Instead we're caught up in the sense of the clock ticking down and the dread of potentially thousands of people at risk at the whim of a very dangerous man.


The casting choices are very well made throughout. We have a couple of other holdovers from the first film. Reginald Veljohnson reprises his role as Al Powell in a cameo, speaking with McClane by phone, the two partners keeping the mood light while dealing with a troubling situation. The energy between the two is much the same as with the first film, two men who have become friends and understand each other. William Atherton returns again as the sleazy journalist Richard Thornburg, who happens to be on the same plane as Holly, and who happens to have a restraining order against her (that whole thing with her hitting him at the end of the first film damaged his ego). He's still as self absorbed, irresponsible, and sleazy as he was the first time around, still believing he's destined for great things as a reporter. We despise him, naturally, which he surely has coming. Contrast him, though, with a new reporter, Samantha Coleman (Sheila McCarthy), who's a local reporter at the terminal looking for a story. McCarthy plays her as plucky and a bit ambitious, but with integrity that is utterly lacking in Thornburg. She even proves to be helpful where McClane is concerned, and McCarthy gives her a streak of humour and humanity.


Art Evans plays Leslie Barnes, the communications engineer who seems to be the smartest guy in the room, and who's an ally to McClane. He carries himself like a competent, efficient specialist, and we get to like him. Evans plays him as sympathetic and as a man trying to find a solution to a crisis. Though he's out of his element as a man under fire, he stays calm, and that's a big contrast to the airport's head of police, as played by Dennis Franz. Lorenzo is a profane, antagonistic walking temper tantrum (come to think of it, that pretty much sums up many of the roles Franz plays). He is completely dismissive of McClane (at least until late in the game) and seems to be five minutes from a heart attack (tempers can be such a trigger for those things). He's an unpleasant sort of person... and yet when things change as the story goes along, still a man who knows what his job requires, and does it... even while being terminally pissed off. The third member of the airport authority is the always reliable Fred Dalton Thompson (reliable at least when he's not going into politics). He gives Trudeau a gruff but sympathetic portrayal, another in the list of character roles he's played, and we can believe him as a man of his position. It's a pragmatic character, a man who's in charge and yet sees the control he usually has taken from him. And Thompson also plays the shocked horror the character must feel when a harsh lesson is inflicted on the airport by the opposition.


Franco Nero is an Italian actor with most of his credits in Italian cinema, but there has been work in American films as well in his resume. His General Esperanza reminds us of various Latin American dictators, a nasty, ruthless man who feels quite like we would expect a dictator to be: arrogant and aloof. Even in a fallen state, he's a man accustomed to getting his own way, and Nero brings these qualities across in his performance. 


John Amos gets a complicated role to play as an American Special Forces commander, Major Grant, sent in with his squad to take down Stuart. He has history with the Colonel, and when we first meet him, he's thoroughly believable as a military officer, tough and brash, disgusted by the situation, initially dismissive of McClane. And yet that shifts (and shifts again as we discover new things about the Major) and Grant's purpose changes. Amos really comes across as no-nonsense, something you'd expect out of such an officer. 


Bonnie Bedelia gets to spend most of the film trapped in an airplane, having to put up with the presence nearby of a dirtbag she dislikes. She retains the attitude, the spunk, and the spirit of Holly in her performance, and when she discovers what's happening on the ground, her actions to intervene in the irresponsible self glorification of said dirtbag (hello, Mr. Thornburg) are entirely justifiable. This was her last turn as Holly, and the character is grounded in what at that point is a healthy marriage to John- the two feel believable in their conversations by phone and their reunion late in the film. I've always thought it was a shame that the later sequels ended the marriage. 


William Sadler has played a lot of character roles down through the years, but his turn as Stuart is one of his best. In the tradition of good villains, he believes what he's doing is the right and justified thing to do... even if it requires doing horrific things. For him, civilian deaths are mere collateral damage, justifiable if it means success for the mission. He's a capable leader too, clearly having the respect of his men, a driven man who happens to be ruthless in his methods. All in all, Stuart comes across as a very dangerous adversary, and all of that comes from Sadler's performance.


Willis of course is good to see back as McClane. He brings back the attitude and the sarcasm from the original film. We can feel his exhaustion as the character is placed into life threatening danger time and time again, somehow coming out despite the odds- we might wonder how he manages to get through the film without a blood transfusion. Willis plays him as very human, not terribly diplomatic, and prone to getting annoyed at a moment's notice. He can take care of himself in a fight though, and we completely get what's driving him- both his sense of duty and his worry about the safety of his wife in particular and countless others in general.


The studio really should have stopped with the second film. It's not quite as fresh as the original film, but it's a well paced, tense action thriller that increases the peril and practically turns weather into a character in a film. The sequels that followed tend to have diminishing returns, both in making McClane regress into a screwed up single guy with family and personal issues and in their story pacing (not to mention having a son grow up to become not a terribly bright Jai Courtney). Oh well, such is life. Yipekayay, and pass the eggnog. Instead of watching It's A Wonderful Life for the fiftieth time, I recommend watching Willis and Sadler bludgeon each other instead. 



Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Vengeance Of The Destroyer Of Worlds

Some links before getting started today. Eve had a passage from her book Penniless Hearts. Parsnip had a mix of images at her blog. Shelly carried on with her Silly Santa story. Maria took a look at a Christmas cult classic. And Krisztina had this look at sugared cranberries.

Now then, today's post might not make a lot of sense if you haven't read this post first. And even then, it's a good idea to freshen the memory.


Producers Announce Second Version Of Peculiar Reality Show After Failure Of First Version

Los Angeles (AP) Jeff Probst and Mark Burnett, the producers of Survivor and other reality show drivel, made an announcement this week for a new program, picking up from the ashes of another reality show. Celebrity Hunt was an initiative from former producer Ryan Seacrest, currently serving a life sentence for his role in a plot for world domination undertaken by several entertainment journalism titans. The concept behind the show was to drop several washed up former celebrities on a deserted island, introduce a deadly hunter into the mix, and let nature take its course. The series never really got off the ground, however. It was reported that twenty minutes after the celebrities were dropped off on the island, all remote cameras in the vicinity were taken off line. Only one survivor, Joan Rivers, was found, floating in the Pacific Ocean and babbling about the demonic hound from hell. She never really recovered from the ordeal, passing away earlier in the year.

The remaining contestants have never been found, and the island itself was quarantined. Four members of the Kardashian family- Kim, Khloe, Kourtney, and Kris- were among their number. As were Hulk Hogan, Johnny Knoxville, Tom Arnold, Billy Ray Cyrus, Snooki, JWoww, The Situation, Jaleel White, and Michael Bolton. In the months since, not a word has been heard from any of them. Many would say that’s a good thing- a world without the Kardashians in it is much better.


Probst and Burnett appeared before the press, some of whom were real reporters, while others were entertainment reporters, and by extension, really, really stupid. Probst was spending time looking at himself in a mirror, reminding this reporter of the insufferable twit director Michael Bay. Burnett was looking smug and sanctimonious. His T-shirt read: I’m Married To Roma Downey, So I’m Right And You’re Wrong.

“It’s taken a lot of negotiation, but we’re going to be launching a new version of Celebrity Hunt,” Probst told the reporters. “It means going back to the island and finding out what really happened. Now we could send out soldiers or something like that to sort that out, but why not send out celebrities instead, have them carry cameras with them, and broadcast it to the world? What’s the worst that could happen?”

Burnett shrugged. “It’s not our fault that Seacrest dispatched Fluffy, Destroyer of Worlds, onto that island to hunt the first batch of celebrities. How was he to know what would happen? I mean, the dog looks so harmless and cute, right?”


Probst nodded. “And besides, we’re not sure Fluffy really was behind whatever happened. We don’t really know what happened. All we know is that the cameras went offline and no one’s heard from anyone there since. I mean, for all we know they could be having an orgy.”

“Hey, watch what you say about that, Jeff,” Burnett told his creative partner. “I mean, I’ve got a whole lot of audience members for my religious miniseries work that would take exception to any mention of that sort of thing, you know.”

“Mark, lighten up,” Probst remarked.  “I mean come on, we’ve both produced Survivor, and that’s included naked butts of cranky players.”

“Good point,” Burnett admitted. “Anyway, so our idea, what with Seacrest being in prison... I mean, seriously, Ryan, what were you thinking, trying to take over the world? Our idea was to figure out the truth and film it with a cast of all star celebrities being dropped on that island.”

“And without further ado, let’s start bringing out our cast,” Probst told everyone. “Our first participants have a personal stake in all of this. They’re the other Kardashians, even if they’re not members of the Kardashian family. Ladies and gentlemen, say hello to Kylie and Kendall Jenner!”


The two youngest daughters of the Kardashian-Jenner family came out and waved to the crowd. It’s been a rough year for the two, what with the mysterious disappearance of their mother and sisters, the grisly death of their sort of brother-in-law Kanye West, who died by fallen meteor, and their father becoming more and more mentally unstable. Regardless, they have continued to make their presence known in reality show circles, continuing to film the series Keeping Up With The Kardashians. Even if the rest of the family is gone. “Hi there,” Kylie called.

“We’re glad to be in on this,” Kendall exclaimed. “We have to find out what happened to Mom and Kim and the other two. Lots of photo ops left for all of us, you know. Plus Daddy seems to have broken into the liquor cabinet and gone on a bender.”

Burnett nodded. “Our next participant also has a personal stake in the matter at hand. Her father was one of the missing contestants in the first version. She’s had a lot of controversy coming her way in the last year, but she’s ready for a new challenge. I give you Miley Cyrus!”



Miley came out on stage, wearing what looked like a rubber bikini, sticking her tongue out, and waved to people. Then she twerked against both the Jenner sisters and grinned. “Eat your heart out, Liam!” she yelled, seemingly to her former boyfriend. “I’m gonna save my daddy and come back and they’re gonna give me a Medal of Honor for my performance!”

Probst and Burnett stared at her for a long moment, as if both were wondering if they’d made a mistake. Then Probst spoke again. “Our next participant has had some legal troubles across the world as of late, and needs something to occupy his time. We’re told he’s expecting to record a song for the soundtrack album of the series. Hopefully it’ll be less grating on the nerves than the rest of his music. Ladies and gentlemen, here’s Justin Bieber!”


The mop headed cretin stepped out on stage, waving to the crowd. “Baby baby baby!” he called in that high pitched nasal drone of his. “I’m so glad to be in on this, and it’s something that’s going to make a big impact, and I’m going to get back to big album sales and everyone falling at my feet, and being the biggest star of all time. Hey! Stop snickering!"

“Justin, just stay calm,” Burnett told him. “Now then, we’ve got other players who are going to be part of it. You’ll remember our next player from such sterling television series as Baywatch. She’s really anxious to get some attention for herself, so give a big round of applause for Pamela Anderson!”

Sure enough, she stumbled out on stage, looking half dazed. This reporter wondered if Pamela had been drinking before she came out. “Hi there! What day of the week is it?”


Probst went on. “Our next participant has been trying to get his music career back off the ground again, but thought he might do well in this kind of environment. Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Axl Rose!”

The former front man of Guns N’ Roses stepped out on stage, looking rumpled and hung over. “Hello, Miami!” he bellowed.

“We’re in Los Angeles, Axl,” Burnett told him.

“We are?” Rose asked.

Burnett sighed. “Rounding out our group of celebrities, he’s our main man, our touchstone actor. He’s famous all over the world for his music and his acting, taken seriously where ever he goes. You’ve seen him in such series as Knight Rider and Baywatch. You’ve seen him in drunken binge videos eating cheeseburgers. Ladies and gentlemen, David Hasselhoff!”


A groan of dismay rose up from the reporters. Hasselhoff came out on stage, waving, oblivious to their disdain. “Hello!” he called. “Of course you had to come out and see me! Nobody hassles the Hoff, after all! Not even Fluffy, Destroyer of Worlds!” He smiled in that vacant, not much going on between the ears way of his. No one has ever accused David Hasselhoff of being all that smart.

Probst smiled. “Ladies and gentlemen, the cast of Celebrity Hunt. These brave men and women are going to be going all out on our mysterious island figuring out what happened to the first batch of celebrities, and running for their lives from Fluffy, Destroyer of Worlds.”

Hasselhoff laughed as he and the rest of the cast left the stage with Probst and Burnett. “Oh, I’m going to be eating Fluffy for breakfast!”



Post Script: Three Weeks Later

The island now being called Isla Fluffia Destroya has been quarantined once again. Authorities have denied Mark Burnett and Jeff Probst any further opportunity to send more celebrities in. Nothing has been heard of the second set of celebrities. Flashes of video were uplinked to satellite receivers before going off line. David Hasselhoff being torn to shreds by a seven pound ball of canine fury. Screams of the Jenner sisters. And a flash of canine teeth lunging at Axl Rose’s camera. Beyond that, nothing is known. Bruce Jenner has released a statement declaring that he’s drowning his sorrow in hundred year old Scotch. Justin Bieber’s manager made a cryptic remark about being glad he had full access to the singer’s accounts.

At least we’ll never have to hear another new Justin Bieber or Miley Cyrus single again.



Monday, December 8, 2014

Scammers Of The World, Die Already!

Some links before we get started with today's nonsense (yes, it's nonsense, and we here at Kendall Central are proud to admit it). Yesterday having had been a Sunday,we had a Snippet Sunday post. Shelly had a continuation of her Silly Santa series. And Lynn featured raccoons at her blog.

Now then, we were mentioning nonsense?


They certainly never do stop. The email messages from the wife/ daughter/ personal masseuse/ dominatrix/ confessor of the late president/ general/ minister of torture/ overthrown banking official of whatever backwater country we might not pay attention to turns up in many an email junk folder, all searching for that elusive sucker who'll actually buy that a total stranger wants to give them millions of dollars. Their grammar and punctuation is creative. Their inability to take a hint and leave us alone is astonishing. And they never go away. What follows is one sent to my junk email folders some days ago.


My Dear,

I am contacting for your assistance to stand as next of kin to my late client.My late client Estate is valued at $9.5 million U.S dollars.He died with his family and nobody is here to claim this money.I want you because you have the same last name with my client and you also come from the same country.I know that you are not related,but as a lawyer I know what to do so that this money can be approved and paid to you so that we can share it.

Please treat this business with utmost confidentiality and send me the following information to me to enable me give you more details regarding the claim.

(1) Your Full names:
(2) Your Age:
(3) Your Private E-mail:
(4) Private phone number
(5) A copy of your identification

I look forward hearing from you as soon as possible If you are willing to proceed with me, contact me through my private email  for more information.

Respectfully,

Barrister Hillary Shedrack
Advocates and Solicitors



Well, we have ourselves the standard punctuation, spacing, and capitalization issues of the standard Internet Scammer (homo spammeritis annoyingus). Hillary, or whatever her real name happens to be, is dangling 9.5 million in American dollars (she even emphasizes it by putting in both the word dollars and the $) in front of us. At least she capitalizes U.S., though she fails to put the second period behind that S (Hillary, you really need to brush up on your grammar. I find it hard to believe you're an actual attorney, and by hard to believe, I mean I know you're a scamming scammer of the infernal order of scamming scammers and not a real attorney, so stop trying to scam me). She also notes in an odd way that "he died with his family". Does that mean they all died in a horrible way at the same time? Was it death by volcano? Death by fire ants? Death by flesh eating virus? Death by incompetent Italian former cruise ship Captain Schettino? 


She also notes that her late client happened to share my last name and come from the same country, though we're not related. Wow. I hate to tell you this, Hill? Can I call you Hill? No? Well, I'm going to anyway. My actual surname- the one that I'm not publicly using- is, well, rather uncommon. And I can tell you that everyone in this country with that surname is, in fact, related. So that's another hole in your little fantasy tale about a rich guy with my surname that I'm not related to. 

Nice try, Hill, but you'll have to find someone who's actually gullible enough to believe a worthless waste of space, oh, sorry, I've misspoken. A worthless waste of oxygen like you. Do the world a favour (and you can pass this on to your fellow internet scammers) and stop wasting oxygen. The world would be a better place without con artists like you in it.

We'd have less need for facepalm moments.


Saturday, December 6, 2014