A Drunken Hobbit Walks Into A Bar

“Nature made me a freak. Man made me a weapon. And God made it last too long.” ~ Logan

“Charles Xavier, the world famous mutant octagenarian.” ~ Donald Pierce 

“Actually, I’m a nonagenarian.” ~ Charles Xavier

 “She is not my daughter, but I love her. You may not love her, but she is your daughter. Please, help her.” ~ Gabriela

“I have nightmares. People hurt me.” ~ Laura

“Beware of the light.” ~ Caliban

“See, you know who I am.” ~ Logan 

“I always know who you are, I just sometimes don’t recognize you.” ~ Charles Xavier

The simply titled Logan brings things full circle for two longtime members of the X-Men franchise. Hugh Jackman and Patrick Stewart, who have played the characters Wolverine and Charles Xavier off and on since the first Bryan Singer adaptation in 2000, give their final performances in those roles in this film, which mixes together comic book sources with dystopian elements and what ends up feeling very much like a Western. The result is a violent, stark, but tremendously effective film, one that brings out the best in both actors.

It’s the year 2029. We meet the former X-Man Logan (Jackman), who’s scratching out a living driving a limo in Texas. He’s looking older, with grey in his hair and beard, and his healing factor seems to be failing him. Logan is busy drinking himself into oblivion when he’s not driving people around. Every few days he heads south of the border into Mexico, where his mentor Charles Xavier (Stewart) is isolated at a wreck of a place in the middle of nowhere. Professor X is in the care of one of the last mutants, Caliban (Stephen Merchant), an albino with tracking abilities and a profound aversion to sunlight. Xavier’s ninety now, long past his days of teaching mutants how to use their powers. He’s ravaged by dementia that’s barely controlled by medication, and his occasional seizures can wreck havoc on those around him- a drawback of the world’s most powerful telepathic mind under the effects of age.

A woman, Gabriela (Elizabeth Rodriguez), approaches Logan for help for the girl (Dafne Keen) in her custody. She wants him to take them to a place in North Dakota.  He also meets Donald Pierce (Boyd Holbrook), an enforcer and cybernetically enhanced field leader for a research facility called Transigen. Pierce leads a group of black ops men called Reavers, and answers to the project head, Zander Rice (Richard E. Grant). He’s looking for Gabriela and the girl, Laura, asking Logan for help, but Logan refuses. Soon, the fate of the girl becomes critical for Logan, Xavier, and Pierce and his associates.

The narrative has several sources. James Mangold, the director, devised the story, collaborating with Scott Frank and Michael Green on the screenplay. Their story weaves together elements of the X-Men comic history while carving its own distinct path. A storyline called Old Man Logan is one element- an arc about an alternate reality future Logan whose healing factor has depleted, and who finds himself undertaking a hazardous journey in a dark future. While the sense of a journey and an older broken down Logan has common traits with that storyline, the film’s narrative is better written (the writer of that particular arc in the comics tends to be rather mediocre), and the future is not so far flung in the movie as it is in the source story. Another element from the X-mythos is Pierce himself, a member of the Hellfire Club in the comics, but inhabiting a different place in the film world. He is, however, partially cybernetic, which fits with his comics counterpart.

There are other nods towards the comics throughout, in contrasting ways. The way Caliban is presented, for instance, has similarities and differences- he looks more, well, disfigured in the comics, but the albino aspect of the character is retained, and in the film, he’s more thoughtful and articulate than the comics version. We also get hints of what might come to be called the New Mutants as the story goes along.

And the story also brings across a vital character, introducing Laura into the mix. Known to the project that created her as X-23, the character has been in the comics for years now, initially as a feral gender reversed clone of Logan. These days she’s taken up the mantle of Wolverine himself, as Logan’s dead (the comics version is the version I tend to refer to as the Drunken Hobbit). The parallels between comics and film in terms of her character tend to run close- we first see her as a sullen, quiet girl with a thousand yard stare who proves to be ferocious in battle.

Mangold already has credentials in the X-Men franchise, having had directed the previous solo film, The Wolverine, which featured Logan in Japan. His director’s style works very well here, as he tells a story that feels very much grounded in reality, one that takes on the tone of a Western. There are the other influences visible here and there- we get the sense of a near future in which things have gone wrong, something that’s common to dystopian themes. And we get some nods towards such a sci- fi future in terms of the technology we see- driverless trucks, vastly oversized farm equipment that seem to drive themselves, a limo that seems a few years ahead of our time, or airborne drones.

And yet Mangold’s film plays very much more like a Western, with clear differences between good and evil, the notion of a broken down former hero rising to the occasion for a good cause, and the interplay of humanity and the land. We get landscapes through the film that wouldn’t be out of place in a John Ford film. The production was done on location around Lousiana, Mississippi, and New Mexico (elements of which fill in for the wild reaches of North Dakota, while also doubling for Texas and Mexico). Mangold makes use of the landscape as the film goes along- particularly in the latter half- but his filming style lends itself well to the physical action. Fights are tightly focused, and yet allow you to keep track of things as a viewer. They’re also violent- this film has earned its R rating, and yet the story requires it. The same applies to chases, in cars or on foot, as the film goes along. The director tightly focuses things, and yet it doesn’t feel claustrophobic or shaky as some action directors would be inclined to try.

The cast are all well chosen in their roles. Richard E. Grant is one of those marvellous character actors you’ve seen in many a film or television project. The British actor sometimes might go for eccentricity in a character, but this time he plays his role as cool and calculating. Rice is amoral but brilliant, a man who has a previous connection to the X-Men films (we learn that Logan killed his father during his cameo in X-Men Apocalypse, which Doctor Rice doesn’t seem that broken up about). He’s in charge of what is basically the near future version of the Weapon X program, cares more for the notion of controlling and making use of a mutant as a weapon than any ethical concern. Rice is a cold blooded character, and Grant gives him a calm, steady presence.

Boyd Holbrook is well cast as Pierce, a long time nemesis to the X-Men in the comics as a member of the Hellfire Club, but making his first appearance in the film world. The actor played Cap Hatfield, one of the Hatfield sons, in the Hatfields & McCoys miniseries from a few years back, which I didn’t know until after I’d seen the movie. His Pierce is different from the comics version, working instead as a chief of security for a rather nefarious organization, though his cybernetic prosthetic arm is a good nod to his comics roots. Pierce is arrogant but capable as a leader of men, a dirtbag from the moment we first meet him (generally speaking, when you meet someone who likes wearing colour tinted sunglasses, odds are he will end up being a complete bloody prick of the first order- I say that with the benefit of personal experience). Holbrook gives the character a relentless and calculating energy that combines to make him a formidable adversary.

Stephen Merchant is very well cast as Caliban, a character I’ve never particularly liked in the comics. We saw the character briefly in X-Men Apocalypse, played by another actor, but this is a fresh take on the character. Caliban has an odd look to him, being an albino, one forced to seriously cover up if he wants to step out during the day. And yet Merchant gives the character a thoughtful, sympathetic quality, giving him heart. We empathize with him, and he can stand up to Logan in early conversations. Where Logan seems content to drink himself into a grave, Caliban is mindful of responsibilities, and Merchant brings that across in his performance.

Dafne Keen is a revelation as Laura, aka X-23, a product of a program meant to weaponize mutant power. Through the first half of the film, she’s largely mute as the eleven year old bundle of ferocious power (with adamantium claws to match). Yet as mute as she is, the character’s expressiveness really works well- that  thousand yard stare brings an intimidating quality to it, and Laura seems very aware of the world around her. Keen brings across the sense of a girl who’s not socialized that well, who’s feral at times, through that first half of the film. When she finally starts speaking, a mix of English and Spanish, it almost seems like she won’t shut up. She also plays the character with a sense of curiosity, loyalty... and outright stubbornness (which she comes by honestly). Watching Laura emerge from her proverbial shell, and seeing her change through the narrative of the film, is a great treat, and the actress conveys that. There’s a moment late in the film, in her performance, that will break your heart.

This is the last take for Patrick Stewart in a role he’s become quite well known for (though we might not be done with the younger version of the character as played by James McAvoy). His Charles Xavier is a broken man when we first find him here, his mind under the ravages of age, his telepathic abilities proving to be dangerous under the effects of a seizure. He speaks of voices and we wonder along with Logan if it’s nothing more than the dementia we find him in. When he’s himself, thanks to the medication Logan brings him, he’s filled with regret over an incident hinted at in the film. His X-Men are lost, and Xavier seems to be the reason for it. Stewart gives the role a fragility, looking older than his years, but also gives the character a sense of purpose. Hope has always been a driving force for Charles, and he finds it in a mute girl who’s quite like one of his X-Men. Stewart’s performance is powerful and poignant, a fitting send off for the actor to finish with.

Jackman has also said this would be his final time playing Logan. This is his ninth appearance as the character, counting his cameo appearances in X-Men First Class and X-Men Apocalypse. In one way or another, Jackman has always brought out the best in the character. I can’t stand the comics version of Logan, a short of stature ugly drunkard, but Jackman’s interpretation renders him well. Yes, he’s the best he is at what he does (which is pretty ugly, killing people with reckless abandon), but Jackman has tended to portray him as a broken man in many ways, always bringing new elements to that in different ways as the films have gone along. This has Logan as broken down beyond the emotional- his healing factor is failing him, so wounds don’t heal in the same way they had before. The character’s nearly two hundred years old when you factor in his origins from X-Men Origins: Wolverine, some of which got retconned by the events of X-Men Days Of Future Past, and time is starting to catch up with him. He’s not the fresh faced cranky mutant we met in X-Men back in 2000, but instead looks to be in his late fifties, worn down by life, limping and drinking his way into the grave.

The actor actually gets double duty in the film, playing X-24, a clone of himself, with none of the conscience and all of the viciousness, a stark contrast to the man Logan has become over time, which adds another interesting element to where the actor takes things. Logan is reluctant to put himself back out there on the line in this story, prodded more or less by his former mentor, and his own sense of guilt more or less gets the better of him. Jackman has mixed together a sense of ferociousness throughout his history with the character, combining it with a basic sense of responsibility and empathy- he does have a conscience, even if he spends a considerable amount of his time slashing and impaling gun toting henchmen. Things like that have always made his take on Logan a compelling one, and this final spin at the character is the actor’s best interpretation of the iconic role. Logan is haunted, grouchy, emotionally shattered, wants to withdraw from the world, and yet still rises to do the right thing.

Logan mixes together the world of the comic book adaptation with science fiction dystopia before weaving strong influences of the film western into its narrative. It’s ferocious at times, thoughtful and eloquent at other times, and violent. It gives us formidable villains, calculating and treacherous in their ways, all the more so perhaps because they don’t have powers such as those wielded by Magneto. The film introduces a young actress who makes a pivotal role her own, impressing the audience all the way and ultimately moving us deeply. And it gives two actors one last go at two iconic roles they’ve gotten to know very well indeed, and both actors make the most of it, giving poignant and powerful performances as they go along.

Last Charge Of The Drunken Hobbit

Some links to see to before we get started today. Yesterday was a Snippet Sunday, so we had a post on our blog. Krisztina had her pic of the week from a visit to Gettysburg. And Shelly writes about an experience with a snake.

Now then, it's a movie review for me to take on today...

"Are we destined to destroy each other, or can we change each other and unite? Is the future truly set?"  ~ Charles Xavier

"There is a new enemy out there: mutants. You need a new weapon for this war." ~ Bolivar Trask

Director Bryan Singer returns again to the cinematic world of the X-Men in the new film X-Men: Days Of Future Past. It is drawn from the storyline by Chris Claremont, arguably the definitive writer of that corner of the Marvel Universe. In both comics and film, the story is about time travel and trying to undo an apocalyptic future in which everything has gone wrong. It brings back multiple X-Men from previous films, some of whom are in different time periods being played by different actors. It picks up plot threads from previous films, while taking us in a new direction and bringing us a new and unlikely villain. 

Things open up a few years in the future, with robots called Sentinels hunting mutants and making life difficult for regular humans. Society's become one of those dark, dystopian realms that are so popular in fiction these days. Some of the surviving mutants are working with Kitty Pryde (Ellen Page, a previous castmember of one of the films). Kitty and her team meet up with Charles Xavier (Patrick Stewart) and Magneto (Ian McKellan). The two old adversaries have had to come together.  And considering Xavier was blasted into oblivion in the events of X-Men The Last Stand, he's looking pretty good. 

They have themselves a plan to undo this turn of events, and it involves sending the essence of one of their own into the past to try to reset the timeline. Everything seems to have gone wrong with the assassination of industrialist Bolivar Trask (Peter Dinklage, Game of Thrones, The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian), an act committed by Mystique (Jennifer Lawrence, reprising the role she started playing in X-Men First Class). Trask designed the Sentinels in the first place, and it's thought that his death was the trigger for everything that followed. The individual whose consciousness will be sent back into his younger self? Wolverine (Hugh Jackman), sometimes known as the Drunken Hobbit (what can I say, the only version of the character I can tolerate is Jackman's take on him... the comics version is really, really, really annoying). Xavier and Magneto urge him to seek out their younger selves, played again by James McAvoy and Michael Fassbender, to thwart the dark future that has come upon them all.

Singer directed the first couple of these films, starting back in 2000 with X-Men. He also had a hand in the production of the back in the past X-Men First Class. In this case he's returned to the director's helm and taken on one of the big stories in X-Men comic history. Claremont's story holds up well, altered somewhat by the screenwriters- Logan, for example, was never the character sent back in time. The story bounces back and forth between the dark future and the 1970s (rendered with the appalling fashion tastes on full display), and yet we never seem lost in the process. The story also gives us quite a few familiar faces from previous films, while introducing new mutants, and yet the sea of faces doesn't feel overwhelming. Singer paces the movie well, keeping things from slowing down while also respecting the themes of the core story, the dark and nightmare future, the unintended consequences of a character's actions, and how far a person can go before they're broken. Singer's crew does their work well. Once again the Mystique body paint look is remarkable- one can only imagine Jennifer Lawrence's patience each day with having that done. But beyond that, it applies to every details. The Sentinels look as ominous as you'd expect them to look from the comics. The dark future looks and feels malevolent. Special effects for the various mutant abilities come across very well, particularly in the case of Magneto- more than once do we see moments involving the character that are jaw dropping. And the 1970s are rendered in detail that feels true to the period, from technology that looks ancient in comparison to the presence of a certain "I Am Not A Crook" president mucking up the works. 

The cast is back in fine form, from more than one timeline. Aside from some of those mentioned, we meet some of the X-Men we've seen before, such as Storm (Halle Berry), Iceman (Shawn Ashmore), and Colossus (Daniel Cudmore). They're back in familiar territory, playing the parts once again as if it's been a brief time since we saw them last. There are new faces as well- Blink, Sunspot, Bishop, and Warpath are all new faces here, but quite welcome. We even have a new actor playing a part we've seen before. Josh Helman plays an even younger William Stryker, the man who uses mutants and yet hates them; we've seen the character played before in different time periods by Brian Cox and Danny Huston. Helman brings across the character's military code and beneath the surface malevolence in his performance. Ellen Page, who's previously played the role in X-Men The Last Stand, gets to play Kitty as a decisive leader, a far step beyond her initial presence in the film franchise as a student. Peter Dinklage, who's busy in that series featuring dark ages fantasy, rough sex, extreme violence, and backstabbing betrayals otherwise known as Game of Thrones might seem as an unlikely choice as Bolivar Trask, but he's actually an inspired choice. He plays the part with a certain degree of arrogance, balanced out by the personality of a man who strives for respect. And what's the best part of his performance is that he plays it as a man who believes he's doing good in the world, even though that good is in fact an awful thing. As a villain, he's a compelling one.

Jennifer Lawrence returns again as Mystique, the ferocious shapeshifter mutant who has been in the first three films played by Rebecca Romijn. She plays the part as someone dedicated to her mission in life, more jaded than we saw her play the part in X-Men First Class. She believes in what she's doing, even though she can't see the consequences of that. Lawrence embodies the character well once again, giving her depth. And obviously we can't take our eyes off her- both actresses have had the chance to play this eye catching role. Nicholas Hoult returns to the role of Beast, a character he also played in X-Men First Class. This is the younger version of the character, still as bright and prone to chatter as ever. Hoult plays the character in a way that feels true to who he is in the comics as well. Hugh Jackman returns as Wolverine, his seventh time (including a cameo in X-Men First Class) playing the character. He conveys the gruffness of the character as you'd expect; Jackman knows this character well by now. He's ferocious and courageous, a fighter who finds himself somewhat out of his element back in the past. 

That leaves us with two characters, played by four men. Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellan started playing Xavier and Magneto back in X-Men in 2000, and took on the essence of two former friends turned adversaries. Here we have them in a dark future, where they see that the choices they made might not have been for the better good. They both give their roles the dignity and gravitas you'd expect from such actors. McAvoy and Fassbender established that friendship in X-Men First Class, only to see it torn asunder by film's end. When we find them in the past, things have changed for both men. Fassbender plays Magneto as a man cornered and trapped when we first find him again in the past, but it's only made him more entrenched, more invested in his antagonism towards mainstream humanity. Fassbender conveys the inner pain of Magneto well, as he has done before. McAvoy puts a different spin on Xavier than what we saw in his first performance. His Xavier has lost the bulk of his first set of students in one way or another, and it's left him bitter and cynical, without hope. He's a wounded man. And there's a moment of contact between the two Xaviers across time that comes across as one of the best scenes in the movie.

X-Men Days Of Future Past does the original source story proud. It's a breathtaking action thriller that spans the decades and yet doesn't get us lost in all of the action, the characters, and the bouncing around in time aspect of the story. It deals with themes like arrogance, estranged friendships, and the consequences of ill considered actions. Oh, sure, we have to put up with horrible looking fashions (have I mentioned the Seventies were a blight on fashion?), but that's a small thing. It's a thrill ride that still grounds itself in good characterization.

Even with a Drunken Hobbit.

Last Confessions Of A Drunken Hobbit

Quite peculiar... it seems this is my five hundredth published post. I believe that's a milestone. Five hundred posts of mayhem, chaos, and tomfoolery....

And how better to mark it than to review a film based on a character I despise?

“What they did to me, what I am, can’t be undone.”

Full disclosure: for the record, I am most certainly not a fan of the mutant Wolverine. Hugh Jackman’s take on the character is the only version that I can tolerate. The comics version is a short, squat, foul mannered booze hound who I derisively refer to as the Drunken Hobbit. For some inexplicable reason, Marvel feels compelled to have him turn up everywhere. If he’s not on a team already, he’ll be guest starring in a book inevitably. It’s quite annoying when you think of the character as fingernails on a blackboard. In the movie universe, however, Jackman has been playing him now for some thirteen years, and makes him compelling. Had producers originally cast the character along more close to physical realities of the comic, they would have had to have cast Danny DeVito as Logan. Instead we got ourselves a handsome Australian passing himself off as a Canadian who the audiences thought was an American.

This is the second solo outing for Jackman in the role, after the prequel X-Men Origins Wolverine. Director James Mangold replaced Darren Aronofsky, who was long rumoured to helm the film. It’s an improvement on the last film, which did of course get rather convoluted at times in retelling the origin of the Drunken Hobbit. The screenplay is drawn from an early 80s graphic novel by Chris Claremont, one of the giants in comics writing, whose history with the X-Men is considered a definitive creative run.

We find Logan alone in the wilderness, haunted and isolated. It’s been awhile since the events of X-Men: The Last Stand (a film we might all like to see retconned out of existence) and he’s haunted by dreams of the woman he loved, Jean Grey (Famke Janssen), who went all end of the world Phoenixy and died at his hands… well, at his claws. Logan has withdrawn from the world, broken by his grief, but the world seeks him out.

At the request of a wealthy old man whose life he once saved, he comes to Japan to pay his respects. Yashida (Haruhiko Yamanouchi) is dying, and seeks some of Logan’s healing power. Logan views his power as something of a curse, making him potentially immortal, and warns Yashida against it. He also crosses paths with others, familiar to comics readers, particularly in the form of the treacherous Viper (Svetlana Khodchenkova), the courageous Yukio (Rila Fukushima), and the sympathetic Mariko (Tao Okamoto), granddaughter of Yashida. We even get- in a manner of speaking- the Silver Samurai, a perennial Marvel character, looking rather different than the comics reader might have expected. Logan finds himself at the center of a story in which he is put to the limit, in a part of the world he doesn’t really understand, his life and future at stake. It’s a more grounded story than the last solo film, and less convoluted. This is a good thing. Plus we don’t have to put up with a messed up rendition of Deadpool, let alone Will.i.am thinking he can act.

We can only imagine what kind of film Aranofksy might have made had he stayed here. Mangold’s a rather interesting choice as a replacement, in that he’s had some up and down previous work. The Johnny Cash biopic Walk The Line is one of his films, as are Cop Land and Girl, Interrupted. On the other hand, he did helm Knight and Day, but we can probably blame that fiasco on a certain egomaniac (coughTomCruisecough). He handles action scenes (of which there are plenty, particularly a bullet train sequence) quite well here, moving the story along in a brisk way. The story itself draws on the sense of a man who’s run away from the world, weary of loss, who has retreated back into himself, and having to find his way again. By making that the cornerstone of the film, Mangold works from that point and gives the story depth. The special effects serve the story, rather than distract, and the production team brings us squarely into this part of the world.

Jackman has been doing this awhile, and he knows what makes Logan tick. There is a world weariness in the man, and because of that, Jackman can find new elements of him to play, and this gives him depth and makes him compelling. He gives the character much needed humanity, something lacking in the irritant that is the comics version. Jackman has good chemistry with Okamoto, and a sparring partnership kind of energy with Fukushima. The film gives us a different Viper than the comic book version would remind us of, but Svetlana Khodchenkova does have the ruthlessness of the character about her, plus some really good lines to play with.

The Wolverine is a story that stands on its own. You don’t really need to have seen previous films in the series to appreciate this one. Its leading man makes the character compelling and sympathetic (unlike the comics version, who I’d like to see tossed into a black hole). Jackman is slated to return again as Wolverine in the next X-Men film, a time travelling caper drawn heavily from other comic storylines. How long can he play a grouchy mutant who doesn’t age? Who knows? Still, he plays the role well, and makes Logan tolerable. Even if he’s a lot taller than Logan should be.

Your Children Will Weep Over Your Exploded Body

The following is one of my parodies, which might be a bit confusing to you. It's part of a much larger continuity that I refer to as the Keoghverse. Two things you need to know here: Wolverine (also known as the Drunken Hobbit) has been unable to actually say what he thinks for some time now. What comes out of his mouth these days is usually nonsense. In this case, familiar nonsense.

Oh, and Magneto (also known as Fluffy) is long since dead, replaced by a woman who likes cross dressing in his clothes.

I told you it would be a bit confusing.

I'm playing around with this image:

The Xavier estate. Artist Carlo Pacheco has come today to do a publicity sketch of several X-Men (plus one Atlantean monarch who, contrary to rumors is not an X-Man). Gathered around a pile of rubble on the far reaches of the property are the group: Cyclops, Emma Frost, Kitty Pryde, Wolverine, Colossus, Ming Xavier, and Namor. Ming, as always, is dressed in the Magneto armor and helmet, filling in for the deceased mutant tyrant otherwise known as Fluffy. For some reason, she likes wearing his armor. Kitty is slightly phased into the rock, and wearing a bubble helmet for some inexplicable reason. Namor looks grouchy. Colossus, true to form, seems confused (he's not very bright, remember). Emma is clearly uncomfortable (and underdressed). Cyclops tries to look resolved and determined. And Wolverine, as usual, appears constipated. He's also drunk. Pacheco sits at a sketchboard, drawing.

Pacheco: Just hold that pose a little longer. I'm nearly done.
Emma: Just hurry up. I have many better things to do today.
Namor: Why on earth I had to be here for this sketch is beyond me.
Pacheco: Your Highness, sir, I'm afraid home office insisted on that.
Namor: Hmmm. That makes me want to teach home office a lesson.
Scott: So much for you promising to play nice with the surface world.
Namor: That home office spends far too much time making demands of heroes.
Kitty: I'm inclined to agree with Namor. Why did they insist on me wearing this?
Pacheco: I try not to question the directives and orders coming from my bosses.
Kitty: Come on! I'm wearing a bubble helmet! It's annoying and it's undignified, too!
Logan: Your face will melt off, and your children will weep over your exploded body.
Logan: *thinking* I didn't mean to say that! Now where the hell did that come from?
Namor: I see that hairy rodent still isn't making any sense.
Scott: That obvious, huh? I wonder where he got that one.
Logan: *thinking* Damn it, Namor, I'm not a hairy rodent!!
Logan: All of them look like droopy-eyed, armless children.
Colossus: Now that didn't make sense at all to me, da?
Ming: I suspect it doesn't make sense to Logan either.
Namor: He's still not speaking what he actually thinks?
Scott: Not since Thor clobbered him with his hammer.
Kitty: He seems to be quoting that actor in meltdown.
Logan: *thinking* So is that where it's coming from?
Ming: Kind of hard to ignore that insane buffoon now.
Scott: Indeed. He seems to be everywhere these days.
Namor: Has it occurred to you people to get him an MRI?
Emma: Just hurry it up with your sketch, Mister Pacheco.
Scott: You can't stand to be around me, can you, Emma?
Namor: I'm serious. Wolverine obviously has serious brain damage.
Emma: Is it that obvious? Of course I can't stand to be around you.
Kitty: It's me that she can't stand to be around. What with me and her daughters.
Emma: Kitty, I ask that you refrain from mentioning your sordid affair with my girls.
Kitty: I'm sure you would, but I think I'd rather go into explicit detail about the girls.
Emma: You're sleeping with them to get back at me for the way I broke up with you.
Kitty: That's one reason, but I'm also doing it because the girls are a lot of fun in bed.
Colossus: Would we not talk about this, Katya? It is still, how do you say? Sore spot.
Kitty: As if I could care less what you have to say. Why I wasted time with you...
Ming: Really, really, must we bicker so much? Can't we all just get along?
Emma: Quiet, you. You're only here because you're married to Charles.
Ming: And Charles and I are very happy together, too, for that matter...
Scott: Yet you keep wearing Magneto's armor. That brings up questions.
Ming: My family has made a tradition of wearing the garments of Magneto.
Emma: Look, dearie, I'm sure you Xorns like doing that, but it's just... creepy.
Namor: Creepy is more or less of an understatement for what it is, you know.
Logan: They lay down with their ugly wives in front of their ugly children....
Emma: Damn. The drunken hobbit is doing it yet again. Can you shut up?
Logan: .....And just look at their loser lives and then they look at me...
Kitty: Wolverine, really, maybe it's time we have you seriously treated.
Logan: And they say "I can't process it."
Logan: *thinking* Why am I saying that?
Emma: Maybe have Logan neutered too.
Logan: *thinking* Hey! That's not funny!

Twas The Night Before Christmas....

VS

Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the Xavier School For Gifted Children.... no, wait. I'm not a poet, so rhyming is out.

The Xavier mansion. Late Christmas Eve. Some years ago. The Drunken Hobbit, perpetual slob, and possessor of a $257 000 bar tab known either as Logan or Wolverine walks through the darkened corridors. He strolls into the kitchen, grubby and unshaven as usual, looking rather like something the cat spat up. If there were cats to be seen, that is. This is, after all, the home of a headmaster who has a fondness for eating housecats. Finding a beer in the fridge, he muses briefly on how odd it is to stock alcohol in a school full of mutant children. He opens it up, starts drinking, and pads out of the kitchen. Coming back out into a large common area, he sees a dark shape of a man, sniffs the air, picking up the scent of cookies. He unsheathes his claws, ready for the attack on the intruder.

Logan: Hey, bub.
*The man turns.*
Logan: Wrong place to break into.
*Logan drives his claws into the man's gut.*
Logan: And I'm the wrong mutant to mess with.
*The man falls, gasping, and hits the floor hard.*
Logan: 'Cause I'm the best there is at what I do.
*Logan turns on the lights, and sees who's there.*
Logan: Oh hell, this can't possibly end well, can it?
*Santa Claus lies motionless on the floor before Logan.*
Logan: Hey, bub. Tell me you're just a burglar in a Santa suit.
*He hears movement behind him, and Jubilee and Husk come in.*
Jubilee: Hey, Logan, were you out drinking your Christmas Eve away?
Husk: What's with the fat bloke in the red... oh dear God... is that...?
Jubilee: What the...? Wait. Did you just... did you kill Santa Claus?
Logan: Um, he was like this when I got here, I swear.
Husk: Those are claw marks in his stomach, Logan!
Logan: Look, I swear to you, he was coming at me!!
Jubilee: Wolverine! You murdered Santa Claus!!
Logan: It was self defense! How was I to know?
Husk: Wait a minute here... Santa Claus is real?
Jubilee: Whether or not he's real isn't important.
Logan: Listen, there's a reasonable explanation.
Jubilee: Yes! You murdered Santa Claus, Logan!
Logan: Wait! No, I didn't. He ran into my claws!
*He now hears some movement behind him.*
Logan: He ran right into my claws, I tell you!
*He turns. Santa is standing, and looking mad.*
Santa: You've been a really, really naughty boy, Logan.
Logan: Wait a minute... how could you be standing? I just gutted you.
Santa: I'm 1456 years old. My healing factor's a lot better then yours.
Logan: Look, no hard feelings, all right, bub? Let bygones be bygones.
Santa: I don't like being called bub.
Logan: How about fat boy instead?
Santa: I don't like that one either.
Logan: Make up your mind, bub...
*Santa clobbers Logan on the head.*
Logan: Was that all you've got, fat boy...?
*Logan starts to sway, and collapses to the floor, unconcious.*
Santa: You'd be fat too if you were eating 5 billion cookies in one night.
Jubilee: Wait a minute.... are you really him? How'd you knock him out?
Santa: Yes, I'm really Santa. And I'm a magic being. My mere touch is enough to send this Drunken Hobbit into slumber if I see fit, so you can imagine what hitting him on the head would do. He'll probably wake up sometime into the New Year, so you girls ought to enjoy the peace and quiet while you've got it. And when he wakes up, he's going to find a whole lot of coal in his stocking. I mean, I might have a healing factor, but this suit of mine doesn't. How I'm going to explain three big gashes to the wife... I don't know. You have any idea how cranky she gets when I'm late?
*Santa picks up his bag, and starts to leave.*
Santa: Ho ho ho, and Merry Christmas!
*Santa walks out of the room.*
Jubilee: No one will believe us.
Husk: I'd have to agree there.
Jubilee: They'll say we were high.
Husk: Maybe that we were drinking.
Jubilee: Hey, I only drank a little bit!!
Husk: Three schnapps isn't a little bit.