Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Friday, March 4, 2011

Your Children Will Weep Over Your Exploded Body

The following is one of my parodies, which might be a bit confusing to you. It's part of a much larger continuity that I refer to as the Keoghverse. Two things you need to know here: Wolverine (also known as the Drunken Hobbit) has been unable to actually say what he thinks for some time now. What comes out of his mouth these days is usually nonsense. In this case, familiar nonsense.

Oh, and Magneto (also known as Fluffy) is long since dead, replaced by a woman who likes cross dressing in his clothes.

I told you it would be a bit confusing.

I'm playing around with this image:

The Xavier estate. Artist Carlo Pacheco has come today to do a publicity sketch of several X-Men (plus one Atlantean monarch who, contrary to rumors is not an X-Man). Gathered around a pile of rubble on the far reaches of the property are the group: Cyclops, Emma Frost, Kitty Pryde, Wolverine, Colossus, Ming Xavier, and Namor. Ming, as always, is dressed in the Magneto armor and helmet, filling in for the deceased mutant tyrant otherwise known as Fluffy. For some reason, she likes wearing his armor. Kitty is slightly phased into the rock, and wearing a bubble helmet for some inexplicable reason. Namor looks grouchy. Colossus, true to form, seems confused (he's not very bright, remember). Emma is clearly uncomfortable (and underdressed). Cyclops tries to look resolved and determined. And Wolverine, as usual, appears constipated. He's also drunk. Pacheco sits at a sketchboard, drawing.

Pacheco: Just hold that pose a little longer. I'm nearly done.
Emma: Just hurry up. I have many better things to do today.
Namor: Why on earth I had to be here for this sketch is beyond me.
Pacheco: Your Highness, sir, I'm afraid home office insisted on that.
Namor: Hmmm. That makes me want to teach home office a lesson.
Scott: So much for you promising to play nice with the surface world.
Namor: That home office spends far too much time making demands of heroes.
Kitty: I'm inclined to agree with Namor. Why did they insist on me wearing this?
Pacheco: I try not to question the directives and orders coming from my bosses.
Kitty: Come on! I'm wearing a bubble helmet! It's annoying and it's undignified, too!
Logan: Your face will melt off, and your children will weep over your exploded body.
Logan: *thinking* I didn't mean to say that! Now where the hell did that come from?
Namor: I see that hairy rodent still isn't making any sense.
Scott: That obvious, huh? I wonder where he got that one.
Logan: *thinking* Damn it, Namor, I'm not a hairy rodent!!
Logan: All of them look like droopy-eyed, armless children.
Colossus: Now that didn't make sense at all to me, da?
Ming: I suspect it doesn't make sense to Logan either.
Namor: He's still not speaking what he actually thinks?
Scott: Not since Thor clobbered him with his hammer.
Kitty: He seems to be quoting that actor in meltdown.
Logan: *thinking* So is that where it's coming from?
Ming: Kind of hard to ignore that insane buffoon now.
Scott: Indeed. He seems to be everywhere these days.
Namor: Has it occurred to you people to get him an MRI?
Emma: Just hurry it up with your sketch, Mister Pacheco.
Scott: You can't stand to be around me, can you, Emma?
Namor: I'm serious. Wolverine obviously has serious brain damage.
Emma: Is it that obvious? Of course I can't stand to be around you.
Kitty: It's me that she can't stand to be around. What with me and her daughters.
Emma: Kitty, I ask that you refrain from mentioning your sordid affair with my girls.
Kitty: I'm sure you would, but I think I'd rather go into explicit detail about the girls.
Emma: You're sleeping with them to get back at me for the way I broke up with you.
Kitty: That's one reason, but I'm also doing it because the girls are a lot of fun in bed.
Colossus: Would we not talk about this, Katya? It is still, how do you say? Sore spot.
Kitty: As if I could care less what you have to say. Why I wasted time with you...
Ming: Really, really, must we bicker so much? Can't we all just get along?
Emma: Quiet, you. You're only here because you're married to Charles.
Ming: And Charles and I are very happy together, too, for that matter...
Scott: Yet you keep wearing Magneto's armor. That brings up questions.
Ming: My family has made a tradition of wearing the garments of Magneto.
Emma: Look, dearie, I'm sure you Xorns like doing that, but it's just... creepy.
Namor: Creepy is more or less of an understatement for what it is, you know.
Logan: They lay down with their ugly wives in front of their ugly children....
Emma: Damn. The drunken hobbit is doing it yet again. Can you shut up?
Logan: .....And just look at their loser lives and then they look at me...
Kitty: Wolverine, really, maybe it's time we have you seriously treated.
Logan: And they say "I can't process it."
Logan: *thinking* Why am I saying that?
Emma: Maybe have Logan neutered too.
Logan: *thinking* Hey! That's not funny!


  1. Give me a minute to stop laughing or this is going to be full of typos....

    I think Logan and Charlie Sheen should both be neutered.

    Thanks for making me laugh, bub.

  2. This is one of your funniest! Too good. Loved it!

  3. Well done! I couldn't wait to get to the next line throughout the whole thing.

  4. I' with me here.

  5. Emma: Maybe have Logan neutered too.
    Logan: *thinking* Hey! That's not funny!

    Love it! Poor Wolverine...


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