A Tweedledum Runs For Mayor

It has been awhile since I last brought up politics in Toronto. After the death of the late and totally unlamented crack smoking ex-mayor Rob Ford, I assumed sooner or later his enabler in chief brother Doug would be announcing his candidacy for whatever elected position caught his eye, being that the Ford family are gluttons for attention and seem to believe they're destined for greatness. Recently Doug the Thug announced he's running for mayor of Toronto again, after losing in the last election. This is my response.

Dullard Twit Plots Mayoral Campaign, Invokes Name Of Even Dumber Dead Brother For Votes

Toronto (CP). Doug Ford, the former city councilor, failed mayoral candidate, and brother of the late and unlamented ex-mayor (and crack smoking drunkard) Rob Ford, recently announced that he will be having a second shot at the mayorship in 2018 at one of the family’s “Ford Fest” barbecues before a number of deluded “Ford Nation” acolytes. Ford, who picked up his brother’s banner for the mayorship in the last election when Rob Ford was sidelined by the cancer that would take his life, failed to beat John Tory, who won the mayor’s job in the election and has been relatively scandal free ever since.

The Ford brothers, who spent four years side by side as mayor and councilor, also spent those four years running through an endless series of gaffes, arguments with the media, criminal investigations, addiction scandals, corruption allegations, sneering at and hassling anyone who disagreed with them, and making an ass of themselves on a daily basis, were something of a precursor warning to American voters (who obviously didn’t take the lesson): don’t vote for a crude, unfit for office idiot like this. Isolated halfway through Mayor Ford’s term when the rest of city council voted to remove much of his powers as a mayor, Rob and Doug spent their time lashing out at enemies real and imagined, while still retaining undying loyalty from the hardline supporters who called themselves Ford Nation.

Doug Ford used the occasion to kick off his campaign- even though campaign rules for the city explicitly state that campaigning cannot begin until May of 2018. It’s been said that he was quietly told by the provincial Conservatives that he is not welcome to run for them in next year’s elections, over concerns that he would derail their entire campaign by himself. Speaking on condition of anonymity, one of the party insiders admitted, “Look, the guy’s a complete ****ing *******. We’ve already got enough of those in the party and we don’t need any more. Wait, did I say that second sentence out loud?”

“It’s like this, folks,” Doug blustered at a community center in his stronghold of Etobicoke, his nephew Michael Ford (a city councilor who weaseled his way into his late uncle Rob’s former city council seat) at his side. A number of Ford Nation supporters were in attendance, holding up signs and doing the wave. “This city needs to get off the gravy train, folks. Just like Rob said. We were gonna make it big and bad and it was gonna be great, cuttin' out all the gravy and the cesspool and the swamp and the muck and the…. Well, you get it, right, folks?”

The crowd lapped it up and applauded, with chants of “Doug! Doug! Doug!” and “Ford More Years!” Ford smiled in that peculiar way of his- the smug look, the dead eyes- and put up a hand to quiet things down.

“You know what, folks?” Ford carried on. “We’ve got a city here that needs a strong leader. A tough leader who knows how to make the right calls, right folks? We don’t need no downtown elite library using wine tastin' ****ers to tell us workin' stiffs what to do.” Referring to himself as a working stiff is rather ironic, given that the Ford children are rich- thanks to inheriting from Daddy. Just how rich is a question none of them seem inclined to answer. “We don’t need no education! We don’t need no self-control! That’s how those lyrics go, right? What we need is someone to come in and get things done! We need to gut the city bureaucracy and the transit system and the libraries and all that extra ****in' crap that nobody gives a damn about! Enough with the war on cars! Enough with the war on the suburbs! Enough with the war on the Fords! It’s time to Make Toronto Great Again! Yeahhhhhhh!”

Invoking a Trumpism is ironic, but not surprising, coming from a Ford. The Ford boys, glorified bullies and drug dealers and or users, aren’t all that different from the current occupant of the Oval Office, after all- spectacularly unfit for office. The rally continued with Doug Ford still at the podium, starting to sweat. This reporter idly wondered if he’d ever seen a heart specialist. Like his brother, Doug Ford didn’t seem like the sort who took care of his own health.

“Here’s the thing, folks,” Ford said, as the crowd quieted. “Next year we’ve got a chance to come into City Hall and start kickin' ass and takin' names. We’ve got a chance to knock that champagne guzzlin' commie mayor Tory outta office, and kick almost all of city council out at the same time. Get rid of them socialist left wing fascist ****ers! Let’s get things done! Because remember, folks, and this is what I’m going to keep hammerin' home to you every single day for more than a year- because let’s face it, I’m already campaignin' here, and I don’t give a **** about the rules that say I can’t campaign until next year. **** the rules! So let’s remember this, folks… if you vote for Doug Ford as your mayor, folks, you’re doin’ a great ****in' thing for this ****in' city. But if you vote for anybody else…. Well, that means that you’re votin’ against me and Rob and his great sainted memory. That means you love cancer. What kind of despicable sick mother****in' sonuva***** loves cancer?”

The last word comes from Hell itself. Rob Ford, currently spending the rest of eternity in the pits of despair and infernal darkness, was reached by phone from the infamous crack house in his old stomping grounds, which among other things contains a direct line to the Nine Circles Of Hell. “Dougie’s running?” he asked upon being reached. “Oh, good! That’s great news! Maybe he can talk, I don’t know, the Pope into gettin’ me the **** outta here. I don’t belong in Hell! I’m supposed to be the ****in' mayor of Heaven! I was supposed to rise again from the ****in' dead on the third ****in’ day, mother****er! Do you realize there’s no ****in’ crack, booze, or hookers down here?”

Hypocrites, Trolls, And Other Wastes Of Oxygen

“The only vice that cannot be forgiven is hypocrisy. The repentance of a hypocrite is itself hypocritical.” ~ William Hazlitt

I have something of a rant today, just so you know (after a rant yesterday at my photoblog). These things happen from time to time- nostrils flare, the motormouth begins, and, well, I get a chance to vent. There may be the occasional bad word. Sisters of Little Or No Mercy, you can add this to the long list you’ve been keeping about me.

Trolls. They are a pestilence on the earth, even more annoying than scammers and spammers (by the way, scammers and spammers, it’s been awhile since you’ve sent the latest scam email from the widow/ daughter/ concubine of the late general/ el presidente/ warlord/ minister, and I’m looking for easy blog material, so what’s taking you?). They infest everywhere you look online, of course, starting fights, being obnoxious to the point of fingernails on a blackboard annoying. And they’re probably most present on Facebook (otherwise known as Zuckerberg’s Personal Playground).

There are more than one kind, of course. One is the belligerent asshole who spends all their time being themselves, ignorant, bigoted, despicable pricks- that’s all they know. And there are the hyperpartisan political shills that one will find all over any and every news story. Here in Canada we have ourselves more than our share, on both sides of the political spectrum, but the ones who are primarily irritating these days are from the right. They’ll be on all day- one can see from the time marks of their dozens- or hundreds- of comments on multiple news pages. 

I’ve blocked some- a particular troll by the name of Kiechle who uses a photo of the late and unlamented right wing commentator Andrew Breitbart and comments hundreds of times a day comes to mind, and someday if I write a white supremacist character, it’ll have his name. Others I’ve been snarky with. These are people who, among other things, defend the prime minister of my country, a man who’s tearing the country to shreds. They defend the indefensible, and, well... I see no reason why I should bother debating or reasoning with such people. They don't respond to logic. So being snarky and sarcastic is my default status. Incidentally, should their beloved prime minister lose the fall election, I might expect a number of people bearing the surnames Kiechle, Wakelin, Hatton, Kinney, Taylor, Konyo, and Thompson to suffer from what passes for their brains enduring massive short circuits.

Which brings us to what this is about. There might be those who think I’ve dropped off the face of the earth. That is, of course, assuming they only know me through the proverbial social network that is Facebook. I am at present in Facebook jail (whilst plotting my jailbreak), suspended for a month for a so called violation of their community standards. Where did this start? Well, engaging two of those aforementioned trolls in an argument and saying something that frankly did not violate Facebook’s community standards.

The trolls in question are ardent defenders of the Harper Cabal. One of them in particular is a devoted fan of the former mayor of Toronto, the crack smoking drunken pile of garbage otherwise known as Rob Ford. Both of them are, well, from extensive comments, blithering idiots. The Ford fan in particular I’ve clashed with repeatedly, while enjoying watching numerous other people call her out for what she is. Fundamentally, after years of the buffoonery of that former mayor (who can’t take a hint and go away), I’ve concluded that anyone who still defends and supports him must be a) drunk, b) stoned, c) oblivious to reality, d) unbelievably stupid, or e) all of the above.

Both of them were commenting on an item about the crack smoking blowhard. My remark- the one that got me flagged and suspended for a month- was that the two drunks should just get a room and get it over with. That’s it. And that got me turfed. The last time this happened, it was supposed to be for a week. Instead it went for over two weeks. While this suspension is due to end by Monday, it really wouldn’t surprise me if it goes twice as long yet again.

Here’s the problem: in my view, that did not cross the line of community standards. Particularly given that these two, in response to my remark, tried to turn the insult back on me- if I’d violated the community standards, it would only be fair to suspend them for the same insult, but no, an attempt to report both just came back with the standard “this does not violate our community standards” automatic reply.

When I report something, 95% of the time, that’s what comes back. And I only report something when it’s serious. Racism, misogyny, whatever form of bigoted remark that I believe really does cross the line. And yet overwhelmingly, the response comes back: “this does not violate our community standards”. Apparently even the threat of violence doesn’t seem to bother Facebook- I recently reported someone I’d had no contact with at all for a comment suggesting that police officers should be killed in front of their families so they can understand how it feels, a comment that didn’t “violate their community standards”. The police, obviously, would feel different.

Facebook, among other things, allows white supremacists to get away with racist remarks that are an absolute violation of their policies. I’ve seen this repeatedly. I’ve seen the remarks of a specific racist asshole stay up- the accidental death of a toddler who fell from a highrise window some weeks ago got this comment from him: “who cares, the young boy was gonna grow up to be a hood rat like his kind does”.

That’s low. This is a repeated pattern of behaviour from this individual- and yet Facebook never removes a comment, nor feels it violates their community standards, nor suspends such a person. This is a repeated thing with other bigots I’ve reported. No consequences for racial or gender hatred. Meanwhile I get suspended over nothing.

I’m not annoyed by the suspension- at this point it really doesn’t surprise me. What bothers me is the rank hypocrisy, the double standards of a “social network” that throws someone out for not crossing the line, while letting repugnant excuses for people like that have the freedom to spread around their bigotry.

The odds of him ever reading this are of course non existent, but I'll say it anyway. Mr. Zuckerberg, you’ve gone and created something of a monster. You call it a social network, and yet your community standards are a joke if your site suspends people who don’t cross the line- from the help forums, I see I’m not alone in this dilemma, there are a lot of people either being treated this way- while at the same time letting goddamned hate filled jerkoffs get away with being bigots. You’ve become the problem, while your site goes further and further into hypocrisy and double standards. If you actually gave a damn about users, you’d make your site accountable, allow for appeals of wrongful suspensions, refuse to give bigots a free pass, and give users real answers and actual communication instead of bullshit automatic replies. Faced with the rampant double standards and hypocrisy running rampant through their life’s work, someone with integrity would bloody well deal with that. It would seem you don’t have any.

True North Strong And Full Of Yankees

New Day Arises In True North Strong And Free; First President Of New Country Growls and Howls

Ottawa (CP) July 2^nd, 2020. The transition for the inclusion of former American states into provinces of Canada has been completed yesterday in time for Canada Day. The movement, which started during the 2013 Congressional shutdown of the American government, saw a growing desire to join a country not being run by nutcases. Many eyes looked north to Canada, where at the time, the seeds of the Conservative government’s destruction were already being sown, as a place of sanity where universal health care was not an unreasonable concept, but a decades old institution.

The movement grew over time, bypassing the rancour and gridlock of Washington, as more and more people saw the benefits of Canadian citizenship, reaching out to Canada and asking for inclusion. And so the steps had begun in the dissolution of the Union, and a new day for Canada. Aside from the states of Texas, Arkansas, and Kansas, state after state ratified the Twenty Eighth Amendment dissolving the country and motioning for Canadian citizenship during negotiations with the new Canadian government. Texas, Arkansas, and Kansas have formed a union of their own in the south, run by interim President Rick “Quick Draw” Perry. Members of the disgraced Tea Party, creationist hardliners, survivalist groups, and assorted wingnuts have fled to what is now being called the United States of ArKanTexas. Florida has been set aside, in a manner of speaking, demoted to junior provincial status instead of joining Confederation as a province. “It was inevitable,” Alison Porter, a spokesperson for the Prime Minister said. “With the way Florida screwed up the election in 2000, we really can’t rely on them to know what they’re doing while voting. So they need to sit at the kid’s table, so to speak, for the next few decades and learn the ins and outs of Parliamentary democracy before they can be trusted again. On the other hand, we let them into Confederation just because we like having someplace warm to go for winter break.”

It’ll be a learning process for the new Canadians. Education is being brought up to speed throughout the former United States, stressing not only the essentials of languages, science, history, math, and geography, but ways to transition to the essence of Canadianness. “We’re getting people of all ages to adjust their mindset,” Terence LeGault, an official with Canadian Heritage told reporters. “New Canadians are learning the natural instinct of apologizing when someone bumps into you, for example. They’re learning how to add eh into every sentence, and the best way to eat Canadian bacon and poutine. Getting them weaned off the imperial system and into metric will take some time. This also applies to getting them to drink real beer. And the same goes for proper spelling. They’ve spent a couple hundred years dropping the u out of a lot of words, and that’s the kind of habit that’ll take time to correct. We’re also coaxing them into being less obsessed with football and to start to really appreciate the intricacies of hockey. And we kind of have to demonstrate how to make love in a canoe, which is another essential element to being a Canadian. It’s a work in progress, but we’ll get there.”

New Canadians are also being fed doses of maple syrup into their veins, to kickstart the blood into producing a steady supply of what already flows in the veins of any Canadian born north of what had been the border. It’s an essential requirement of Canadian citizenship. On Parliament Hill yesterday, Prime Minister Rick Mercer, the former comedian turned unlikely political leader, celebrated Canada Day with a vast crowd of Canucks. “On this new day for our country, we welcome those who were our neighbours into the fold. You’re all Canadians now. Welcome to the land of the sane and the reasonable, where the craziest thing we do is play hockey on outdoor rinks in our underwear. In a blizzard.”

It’s been an adjustment for the ranks of law enforcement as well. The Mounties remain the top law in the land, and have begun to absorb former agents of the FBI and DEA, who are now undergoing training on differing procedures in the RCMP. For a time, legendary Mountie Inspector Lars Ulrich was considered for the top post of the Mounties, but he refused, preferring to remain out in the field instead of being, in his words, “condemned to a desk job where I’d end up just being the old man. And don’t you even think of asking if I’m with Metallica.”

While former Americans adjust to life wearing toques and using proper English spelling, their former countrymen in ArKanTexas are unhappy. Wayne LaPierre, the former head of the National Rifle Association, which transferred its national headquarters to Dallas two years ago, is now the Secretary of Frontier Justice in the new republic. “Damned Canadians, all acting so polite and nice. And all the time they were planning to take us over. Well, these good ol’ boys ain’t going quietly into the night, no sir! We’re all still patriots, and we’re armed to the teeth. Granted, we haven’t got nukes, otherwise we’d be using them... did I say that out loud?”

One time Alaska governor Sarah Palin and former Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann have taken positions in the Cabinet of the new republic. The former is the Secretary Of Education. The latter is the Secretary of State. They join such partisan figures as Todd Akin, recently named Secretary For Women’s Rights And Obligations, and Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck, named co-Secretaries For Propaganda. “We’re gonna be teachin’ all the kids about Adam and Eve walkin’ around with the dinosaurs, you betcha!” Palin told reporters gathered in Austin. “I mean, really, forget something as minor as climate change. We all know that’s bunk, yep. All science is nothing more than a myth, and we’re bannin’ myths like that from the classroom.”

Bachmann nodded. “It’s a new day for America, and ArKanTexas is gonna fulfill the dreams and wishes of the Founding Fathers by being completely cluster**** insane in everything we do on the world stage. Starting by declaring war on Australia.”

Vice President Ted Cruz, from his home near Austin, shook his head as he spoke to reporters. “They’ll be back. I swear, they’ll be back. Once they realize how cold a Canadian winter is, all those simpering gutless cowards who thought being Canadian was a good idea will come begging us to let them back in. And that’s when we’ll really rub it in on them. Yes, it’ll take a lot more than just pleading for us to let them back into the greatest country the world has ever known. Til then, ArKanTexas is open for business, boys and girls, emphasis on boys, because, hey, we all think there was nothing wrong with the world back in the 1950s when Father Knew Best and women were in the kitchen.”

President Perry, from his Presidential Mansion in Austin, issued this statement. “We deplore the disgraceful betrayal by so many American citizens. I mean, just because things got a little hectic a few years back and Congress screwed the pooch. That don’t give people the right to ask to join a country that ain’t insane. Y’all ain’t got the right to up and quit on us. So as far as we’re concerned, the great experiment that is America still carries on. It’s right here, in the land of the free and the brave and the totally crazy, where we believe in liberty and happiness and guns for all. Where we know the world is only a few thousand years old, where Thanksgiving is always in November, and where y'all can drive down to the corner store with a missile launcher in the back of your pickup truck. Like Moses and Jesus said y'all could. Yee haw!”

Former Vice President Dick Cheney, who moved to a new ranch in Texas before the dissolution of the Union, was reached for comment at home. “Didn’t have a choice,” he said. “I can’t live in a country run by socialists, which we all know Canada is. I mean, universal health care is a socialist idea! And I don’t look good in a toque, can’t be all polite and all, and don’t understand why anyone likes that awful maple syrup. Besides, at least in ArKanTexas, I’m still free to shoot a lawyer in the face whenever I want.”
  

The Bloated Ego That Annoyed America

Finally, it's done. After spending the last few weeks promoting himself and musing over the prospect of running for President of the United States (only in America, you say?), Donald Trump gave up the attempt by saying he'd be back (yet again) for another edition of Celebrity Apprentice next year. The show, incidentally, should be retitled D-list Has Been Rehab Refugees And What The Hell Were You Thinking Signing Off On This Show You're Supposed To Be Better Then This Yes You Marlee Matlin How Dare You Apprentice.

This man is certainly one of the biggest, if not the biggest egos on the planet. He's also one of the most obnoxious wastes of oxygen on the planet. Hell, let's be honest. He is the most obnoxious waste of oxygen on the planet. Everything this vain, loud mouthed, bloated, hairpiece challenged egomaniac does is for the glorification of himself. Strangely enough, he can't see just how bad that hairpiece (or combover, take your pick) really is. An odd thing in someone so self absorbed.

Everything he does is for attention. Including the occasional musing of a Presidential run that he knows he could never possibly win. Why not? Well, it's kind of hard to win an election when everyone who knows you hates you. Think about it. Can you imagine anyone in this man's life who genuinely likes him? Oh, sure, he's got a pack of yes-men around, people on the proverbial Trump gravy train, but would any of them give a damn if he was choked to death in his sleep by his own hairpiece? No. Therefore, let's face it... everyone who knows him hates him.

Anyway, while Trump was making an ass of himself by trying to feed into the Birther delusions about the President (before the President totally pwned him with the birth certificate and the whole killing Bin Laden double whammy), editorial cartoonists were busy making fun of him.

Of course, four years down the line, he'll be musing about yet another kick at the can. By this time Celebrity Apprentice will include Jennifer Aniston, Justin Bieber, that Old Spice guy, and Kato Kaelin. Or did Kato already do a spin on that show? It's so hard to keep track of these so called "celebrities".

Imagine the following, if you will. Seven hundred years in the future, in the ruins of what was once Atlantic City, an archaeologist leads a class of school children among the debris. They stop before a slab of concrete that still bears the damaged letters TRUMP on it. The archaeologist turns and speaks.

"Before the late twentieth century, the word trump was often used as a term in playing cards or as falsification of legal charges. After the dark times, it also meant strange hairpiece. Arrogance. Blowhard. Long ago, after his fifth attempt at running for President of the United States, the one called Donald Trump had a meltdown, causing what became known forever after as the Great Ego Implosion of 2024. It annihilated this city from the face of the earth, killing hundreds of thousands of people. It was only the second time in history such an event happened, after the Las Vegas Annihilation Event ten years before, caused by the ego meltdown of a singer named Celine Dion."