Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Monday, April 25, 2022

A Day In The Life Of A Cat

As I always start with the dog's point of view, so too do I let the cat have the last say. Pay her the respect she deserves, because after all we are all lowly creatures in her divine eyes.

7:02 AM. Waking up at home. Slept well. Dreamed of catnip. Note to self: remind the staff to pick up some catnip.

7:05 AM. A look outside. The sun is up, the flying lunches are pecking around at the grass. Not much likely chance now that we'll see snow for months, but hey, you never know.

7:09 AM. Waiting on the staff to come downstairs and see to my breakfast. Come on, staff, do I have to come up there and meow at you myself, most vigorously?

7:18 AM. The staff finally comes downstairs. It's about time, staff, I was about to send a search party. Now then, it's time to see to my breakfast.

7:19 AM. Lecturing the staff about my expectations for breakfast. Now we'll not have any of those field rations, am I clear? I want milk, and I want meat. It would be better in my opinion if you'd gotten up a half hour earlier and put the plate into the fridge for optimum pre-meal chilled enjoyment, but we can't always get what we want.

7:21 AM. The staff sets my breakfast down. The tuna and milk meet with my approval. The bowl of field rations does not.

I set to eating breakfast and ignoring the field rations. One of these days she'll learn.

7:23 AM. Finished with breakfast. Licking my lips with satisfaction. Making a point of continuing to ignore the field rations.

7:24 AM. Leaving the staff to her breakfast. She has that silly work place to go to today, after all. Which I let her do. As long as she caters to my every whim when she gets home.

7:31 AM. Watching out the windows at the flying lunches out on the lawn. If there wasn't a pane of glass and a screen between us, I'd be stalking you right now.

7:40 AM. The staff is on her way out the door. I bid her farewell and remind her that we're due for some catnip and milk. 

7:45 AM. Somewhere off in the distance I hear the barking of that foul hound from down the road.

I don't understand dog people.

8:02 AM. Watching the weather channel. They're calling for 100 % chance of seasonal allergies today.

Come on, people, not everyone has seasonal allergies.

9:00 AM. Sitting on a windowsill overlooking my realm. Noticing some movement in the distance. Hmmm... it's the local skunk. And here I've got an open window. Hopefully he's not in a foul mood.

9:02 AM. The skunk has seen me, keeps his distance, and informs me he skunked that dog from down the road.

Very commendable, sir, very commendable. Well done. You have my compliments.

9:21 AM. Right about now I imagine that idiot hound is having an unpleasant morning that will involve lots of cleaning and unpleasantness for his human being.

It couldn't have happened to a more deserving dog.

9:39 AM. The phone rings. I click on the speaker and say meow. A telemarketer starts talking.

I listen for five seconds before meowing again.

Do you not understand you're talking to a cat?

9:40 AM. I inform the telemarketer in very insulting terms that he should immediately cease wasting oxygen and just drop dead, and end the call.

9:51 AM. I decide that it is time for my first nap of the day.

12:10 PM. Waking up from my nap. Feeling a bit hungry.

12:12 PM. An examination of the kitchen finds the only food out and about... are those field rations.

Oh, well, I'm hungry.

1:28 PM. Going to work on a thorough scratching of the scratching post.

5:19 PM. Waking up from another nap as the staff returns home. Well, it's about time. 

6:38 PM. Dinner with the staff. She's having beef stroganoff. She's cut up some beef into nice kitty bite sized pieces for me. This is acceptable, staff.

7:34 PM. The staff is watching Jeopardy. The answer is Who Is Lassie. I wonder if the people who come up with these are dog-centric. That's the third dog related question this week.

9:21 PM. Lying on the couch pondering life's mysteries. How can we prove the theory that the universe is shaped like a big ball of string?

11:29 PM. The staff is off to bed. Good night, staff. Sleep well. If you happen to hear the sound of something rocketing through the house at four in the morning, just relax. It's just me.


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