Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Monday, March 28, 2016

A Day In The Life Of A Dog

I'm finishing off the month with the point of view of the dog and the cat, on the day after Easter. As always, I start off with the doggie.

7:24 AM. Waking up at home. Slept exceedingly well. Had dreams of chasing a rabbit carrying a basket full of chocolate. That’s what post-Easter doldrums will do to you.

7:28 AM. Looking at the pantry door. Okay, the human put the leftover Easter candy in there, and unfortunately that means I can’t get at it. What with the whole not having opposable thumbs dilemma and having problems with doors. There’s also this whole thing that humans say about chocolate not being good for dogs, but between you, me, and the wooden rooster she keeps up on the windowsill, I think that’s a lie so that the humans get all the chocolate.

7:31 AM. The human comes downstairs. Good morning, human! Say, how about a wee bite of breakfast? That would hit the spot right about now, you know...

7:34 AM. Devouring my first meal of the day. Kibbles are delicious. Yum yum yum!

7:37 AM. Out the door for my morning run. Bye, human! See you later!

7:42 AM. Sniffing around at some of the melting snow. We could still get more of it before we’re really done with winter. I wouldn’t mind that myself, but for some odd reason, not everyone loves snow. Go figure.

7:48 AM. Running through the back fields, barking at everything I see. All good dogs must get a requisite amount of barks out during the day. It’s okay to go over the limit, but not under the limit. Which is why some dogs bark for no reason at all at two in the morning.

7:52 AM. Moving through the woods. Movement ahead. Hey, could that be one of those infernal squirrels? How I would love to get one of those cornered once and for all...

7:53 AM. Uh oh, definitely not a squirrel. Black and white pattern’s very familiar.... it’s a skunk. Backing up very carefully... hoping there’s not another skunk right behind me. Look, I’m not any threat to you. Please don’t spray me. I’ve had that done before, and I really don’t like the inevitable tomato juice baths and endless cleaning process that it involves.

7:54 AM. Sitting still like a statue while the skunk passes by me. It looks at me as if considering whether or not it wants to thoroughly ruin my day. Oh please oh please oh please just keep moving...

7:55 AM. The skunk has gone off into the woods without spraying me. Breathing a sigh of relief. That was way, way, way too close.

8:04 AM. Stopping at the home of Spike the Magnificent, Tormentor of Squirrels. Spike! You won’t believe what happened!

8:05 AM. After our customary doggie greetings, I inform Spike of the encounter in the woods with the skunk.

8:06 AM. Spike advises caution while travelling through the woods. Skunks, after all, are easily startled, and the consequences are far too unpleasant. He suggests I refrain from running whilst in the woods. Okay, so maybe I’ll amble, or mosey, or strut through the woods instead. Is strutting the sort of thing a dog would do?

8:09 AM. Spike and I discuss sightings of the common enemy. The squirrels have been more active as of late as winter ends and spring is taking hold. We conclude the little bastards must be up to something.

8:11 AM. Parting ways with Spike. I decide to take an alternate route home instead of the woods. I don’t want to inadvertently startle any skunks, after all. 

8:15 AM. Passing by the home where that cranky cat lives, only today I’m walking past the front of the property. Taking a look up at the place. No sign of her in a window, so she must be doing some cat stuff. Like scratching a post or batting around a ball of yarn. Cats are such a mystery, if you ask me.

8:23 AM. Back home. Barking to alert the human to my presence. Human! Loki, Chewer of Slippers and Annoyance of Mailmen has returned!

8:25 AM. The human subjects me to the Towel Of Torment. Come now, human... wet dog smell isn’t that bad. I’m sure some cosmetics company is probably thinking right now of how to bottle the smell and sell it for three hundred dollars a bottle. Besides, I got lucky today and didn’t get skunked. Can you imagine how long that would take clean me up?

8:38 AM. Circling around on the rug in front of the fireplace. Time for a nap.

12:03 PM. Awake and mooching some dinner rolls from the human over lunch.

1:13 PM. Staring out at the road, waiting for the mailman to come so I can bark at him.

2:05 PM. The human comes outside and informs me that since it’s an official holiday, the mailman has the day off. Wait, so I’ve been sitting out here for the better part of an hour and it was all for nothing?

6:06 PM. Dinner with the human. Some leftover Easter ham. Yum yum yum. Say, human, how about some of that leftover Easter chocolate you’re holding out on me?

8:03 PM. Despite my mooching eyes, the human's not giving me any of that Easter chocolate.

11:31 PM. The human is off to bed. Good night, human! A bit of a shame you didn’t leave the pantry door open. Just saying. Not that I’d get into your Easter chocolate or anything, right? I’m a good dog, after all. Right? Of course, right!


  1. I can not believe the Great Dane eating the cake ! I hope it is staged. If not there will be hell to pay.
    Thank you for the gud dug Scotty. Looks just like Watson

    cheers, parsnip

  2. I am fabulous dog is actually meditating. I've seen that face during Yoga class. lol

  3. We're gonna need a bigger dog. Ha!

  4. Nobody wants to run afoul of a skunk!

    Change that Scottie pic to "Chicken strips are missing," and you have the Hamish!

  5. That sausage one reminds me of my dog. Food is her favorite thing in the world, but if she's comfortable and you toss her a piece of food that doesn't quite make it to her mouth, she'll stare at it until you get up and bring it to her. Pathetic!

  6. @Parsnip: the Great Dane's hilarious. I first saw that on a wedding greeting card.

    @Diane: I can see that!

    @Lynn: definitely!

    @Norma: oh, yes!

    @Kelly: dogs will be dogs!

  7. I didn't end up with any Easter chocolate this year. Probably for the better, though I'm not sure my dog thinks so.

  8. Thank goodness you didn't get the skunk spray. Did someone say chocolate?

  9. I think I saw the cake one twice. She is lucky. We had a dog that could open certain doors, but then that half of the house was a really old farm house.

  10. Set everyone free and get a dog! I like it!


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