Candidate Falls Asleep While Calling Halt To Campaign; Reporters Not Surprised
West Palm Beach (AP) Former neurosurgeon Ben Carson, a long time hopeful for the Republican party presidential nomination, announced the end of his candidacy in a speech recently, having had failed to gain traction in a process that has paid far too much attention to the deranged stupidity of a blowhard developer and not enough attention to the deranged stupidity of a sleepy neurosurgeon.
The candidate, often given to appear half asleep at meetings and fall into slumber during debates, has been known for some outlandish remarks throughout the campaign. He noted that Obamacare was the worst thing to happen to African Americans since slavery. He thought Jews could have prevented the Holocaust if they’d had guns. Carson stated that “there is no war on women. There may be a war on what’s inside of women, but there is no war on women in this country.” The doctor suggested that being gay is a choice because prison turns people gay.
He has compared homosexuality to pedophilia and bestiality, while suggesting that marriage equality was a Marxist plot. He even remarked on one occasion that there should be no such thing as a war crime. Carson has claimed the theory of evolution is influenced by the Devil, while the Big Bang is a mere fairy tale. His claims of being an angry young man are at odds with his current sleepy state. And his suggestions that crowds should charge gun toting lunatics is baffling. Not quite as baffling as his beliefs about ancient monuments, though, as Carson fervently believes that the Pyramids of Egypt were built by Joseph to store grain.
Carson was introduced by one of his campaign spokeswomen, after she inquired if anyone would like her resume. Carson walked out to the podium, nodded to the reporters, and closed his eyes. Thirty seconds went by, then a minute. Reporters were looking at each other, each wondering which of us should try to wake Carson up. Someone coughed loudly, and Carson’s eyes shot wide open. “Awake! I’m awake! Did I miss anything? I didn’t leave my watch in the patient’s head again, did I?”
Carson looked around, realizing he wasn’t in an operating room. “Oh, right. Well, thank you for coming. It has been a very long road that we have travelled. Not as long as Moses when he was leading the people through the desert and stopped to dig out the Grand Canyon.” Carson smiled in a dazed way, while reporters looked at each other in confusion- did he actually believe that?
Carson had his eyes closed again, his head slumping forward. His spokeswoman stepped forward and tapped him on the shoulder. “Where was I? Oh, right, the announcement. I set out on this journey to the nomination expecting many things. I expected to win. I expected attention. Well, sometimes things don’t go your way. Sometimes a mouthy obnoxious self absorbed goon draws all the attention that might have gone your way. We’re not always wise, you know, unlike King Solomon, when he spent time walking his dogs at the Roman Coliseum...” Carson trailed off, his eyes closing again. Reporters looked at each other again, rolling their eyes, sighing in dismay, placing bets on how many more stupid things Carson might say.
The former candidate opened his eyes when prodded by his spokeswoman. “I’m awake! I swear, I’m awake, Doctor Thomas! Didn’t fall aslee... wait, oh, right, I haven’t been a med student in decades. Okay, where was I? Right. You know, when it really comes down to it, maybe I was wrong when I said the Jews could have stopped the Holocaust if they’d been armed with a few guns. What they really needed were some rocket propelled grenades, flame throwers, a bunch of tanks, and some old fashioned straight out of the Book of Jeremiah nuclear bombs.” The doctor looked around, as if wondering why people were staring at him as though he were a train wreck in slow motion.
“Mr. Carson,” this reporter started.
“Doctor Carson!” the doctor insisted. “I spent ninety six hour long shifts in med school on duty with two hour breaks in between, you know, which means I more than earned it...” His eyes closed again, and his head slumped forward. He started muttering incomprehensible words in his sleep.
This reporter wondered if Carson had a brain tumour... or was still desperately trying to catch up on med school deprived sleep... or if he was just naturally stupid. “Okay, Doctor Carson,” this reporter prompted.
Carson opened his eyes again, looking startled before continuing to speak. “.... and that’s why I believe the Statue of Liberty is the petrified great granddaughter twenty times removed of Goliath of Gath.”
“Doctor Carson,” this reporter called. “Has it occurred to you that you might be in need of medical care?”
Carson didn’t hear the question, having had fallen asleep again. The spokeswoman tapped him on the shoulder, and Carson nodded, waking up. “Where was I? Oh, right, calling things off. You know, there are times in life when you have to know it’s time to call it a day. We all need a rest. Samson needed a rest when he built Machu Picchu, you know, and I’m not saying I’m Samson or anything... but he might have been my great-great-great granddaddy a few times removed.”
The former candidate had trailed off yet again, his eyes closed, and one could hear light snoring. One of the reporters whistled loudly. Carson opened his eyes again, once more looking startled. “I don’t know how that patient’s nervous system got scrambled, Doctor Thomas!” he yelled, seeming shaken up. And a moment later, as if once again realizing he wasn’t in an operating theatre, he stopped shaking. “Oh right, that was years ago. Forget I said anything. Anyway, what I’m here to say to you all today is very simple. I am hereby ending my campaign for the Republican nomination to be court jester... I’m sorry, I mean, to be President of the United States. I don’t mean to misspeak, you see... it’s just I’m still trying to catch up on four years worth of sleep that I missed in med school.”
Carson paused for a moment, closing his eyes, and fell asleep yet again. His spokeswoman came forward and smacked him on the back. “Still here! Didn’t fall asleep, Doctor Thomas! I have no idea what happened to the patient with the.... oh, right. Press conference. Not med school.” He shook his head, as if trying to banish the urge to sleep. “So what it all comes down to really is that I’m done. To my supporters and volunteers, I can only thank you. To everyone else, go **** yourselves.” There was a collective gasp in the room. Carson seemed stunned. “Wait, did I say that out loud, or was that something I was just thinking?”
The former candidate shrugged, and continued. “What I meant to say is, to the rest of the Republican voter field, I can’t endorse anyone else in the party. I mean, we can’t dig up Ronald Reagan and ask him to run again, can we? That violates the Constitution- of which I only care about the Second Amendment- and it violates the essence of existence. Besides, Zombie Reagan would probably sleep more than I do.”
Once more the candidate started to doze. His spokeswoman smacked him on the side of the head. He woke up again. “What I mean to say is... instead of me, vote for the one candidate who hasn’t screwed you over in any way possible yet. That’s right. Vote Putin.”