Cranky Citizens Demand Arrest Of Old Man Winter
Toronto (CP) Winter has settled in across many portions of North America in this, a year with an El Nino weather pattern causing strange weather across the continent. Floods, storms, snowfalls, high winds, and much more have been happening and can be expected to happen between now and the end of the season. In the meantime, it has soured the mood of many people who personally dislike winter, while leading weather forecasters to look bewildered as they try to explain what’s going to happen next.
“It’s very simple,” David Phillips, chief spokesman for Environment Canada told reporters. Phillips, who looks like an accountant and is often trotted out for media sit-downs during weather events, has a reputation for being soft spoken and reassuring even during extreme weather. “An El Nino year is always going to mean the weather’s going to be, well, in a word, bonkers. That is certainly the case this year, with floods in the Mid West, flash freezes, snow falls, a late winter getting started in many parts of the continent, and, well, tornadoes hanging around much longer than they should. But the point we’re trying to make here is that people need to stay calm and not panic.”
Easier said than done. A grassroots citizens group has risen up in recent weeks. Calling itself We Hate Winter And So Should You Society, the group consists of a multitude of people who seem to have forgotten that they live in Canada and can expect winter to be an issue at least three months out of the year. Okay, maybe seven months. Ten at the most.
“Not all of us can live in Victoria,” Myra Kowalski, spokeswoman of the group told reporters in Toronto, referring to the BC coast city that coasts through winters. “And not all of us can run as far south in the winter as possible. So we have to suffer through extreme cold, huge dumps of snow, weather alerts, frostbite on our unmentionables, and local weather forecasters who have no idea what they’re doing. Well, I’ve had it! And all of my friends in the We Hate Winter And So Should You Society have had it! Which is why we’re calling for the governments on both sides of the border, Canadian and American, to track down Old Man Winter and try him for crimes against humanity! Down with winter! Hang Jack Frost from a sour apple tree!”
This reporter found himself wondering if Myra Kowalski’s brain had taken a long walk off the proverbial plank. From the looks of this reporter’s colleagues, they were thinking it too. In Ottawa, the Justice Minister, Jody Wilson-Raybould, took questions from reporters. “I’ve been hearing about the complaints from this group. They have circulated a petition and have managed to get around a thousand signatures. They’ve done the same in the United States, and somehow managed to get ten times that there. Which still only accounts for eleven thousand people on the continent who are cranky enough to sign something like this. Yes, I’ve spoken to Attorney General Lynch in Washington. Simply put, our two legal systems have no provisions for filing charges against a season.”
Phillips is in agreement with the Justice Minister. “Yes, we tend to personalize winter, calling it things like Old Man Winter, Jack Frost, or ***** the *****ing snow the ***** *****ing ****er ****, if one is really angry at winter. That’s actually the term my late grandfather used to have for it. But winter’s not a living breathing entity, and you can’t file cease and desist orders against it, or have it tried on criminal charges in The Hague. It’s an element of the yearly cycle the earth goes through, and when you live in northern climates like we do, winter’s going to express itself in snowfalls. The best thing anyone can do is to try to find ways to enjoy the season, and if that’s just not possible, tell themselves that it’s going to come to an end sooner or later.”
“**** that!” Kowalski told reporters after she and her fellow wingnuts in the We Hate Winter And So Should You Society heard the statements from the Justice Minister and Phillips. She was looking quite exasperated and angry. This reporter made a mental note to place a bet on just how unhinged she might be. “This is totally unacceptable! I want winter to end right now! You hear me! Right now! Not tomorrow, not next week. Now! And yesterday would have been even better, but we can’t travel back in time, can we?”
Kowalski was taken away by some of her supporters, vowing blood vengeance against Phillips. Meanwhile, a light snow is falling in Toronto, where local forecasters have issued an extreme winter event forecast. The rest of Canada (Victoria excluded) have collectively rolled their eyes at the notion of ten centimetres of snow being classified as an extreme winter event, but Toronto’s forecasters are, after all, gutless cowards. This is best seen in the forecast by a network affiliate forecaster, one who shall go unnamed to spare his family further humiliation.
“We’re all going to die!” he told viewers on last night’s broadcast, looking beyond panicked, stricken by terror. “It’s a mountain of snow coming our way, the Snowmageddon event of all time. We’re in for a monster blizzard of Snowpocalypse proportions, and by the time it’s all done, we’re talking Donner Party situation here, people! Donner Party! Look it up online if you don’t know what I’m talking about, but for the love of God, don’t look it up on a full stomach! Donner Party! We’re going to die! Eat your dead!”
The panicked forecaster was dragged away from the cameras, and reporters have confirmed that he is now in a place with padded walls and lots of sedatives. Ten centimetres of snow are falling across Toronto, however, leading to multiple car accidents, snow plows idling on backed up streets, and yuppies in the Beaches neighbourhood stocking up on lattes and granola bars. The car accidents include one committed by a former mayor of Toronto, who, before stumbling off into the night, was heard bellowing with delight that he could blame the weather for his sideswiping a city bus, instead of being caught drinking and driving.