Some links before I get started today. Norma had her Friday photoblog yesterday. Shelly had things to be thankful for at her blog. Parsnip had a Square Dog Friday as always yesterday. And Mark wrote about his point of view on swimming.
Now then, today I once again take up the obnoxious voice of the worst politician in Canadian history, the profoundly stupid, drug addled, walking temper tantrum, aka Mayor Rob Ford....
9:55 AM. Waking up. Hung over. Hell,
I’m like that nine days a week anyway, fifty eight weeks a year. Wait, is that
math right? Awww, who cares? Math was never my strong suit anyway. I know
what’ll take care of that hangover. Some delicious booze. Booze understands me.
10:15 AM. Dougie shows up. Hey,
brother, what’s on the campaign schedule for today? We gonna tar and feather
some granola eating liberal commies in Kensington Market? ‘Cause I can think of
a few that have it comin’.
10:17 AM. Dougie tells me the
cops up north are going to be moving the Escalade outta impound tomorrow for a
court hearing. What the hell I was thinkin’ lendin’ the car to that woman, I
don’t know... Dougie, listen, man, we gotta break the Robmobile outta there. It
means too much to me, man, and besides, we’ve customized the interior so we can
hide booze and crack, and we can’t let that much work go to waste. Road trip, brother! We’re springin’ the
Robmobile!
12:05 PM. Drivin’ north with
Dougie. My sobriety coach Bob is drivin’ us. The plan’s for him to drop us off, we’ll get the Robmobile
back, and drive home. Perfect plan, man. Nothing can go wrong.
I like Bob. He kicks protestors,
snarls at the press, and fetches my vodka and crack for me. Plus he’s a good
drinkin’ buddy.
12:25 PM. Hey, Bob! How long’s
this drive gonna take? It ain’t like it’s the weekend, right? Dougie tells me
to be patient, that we’ll be up there soon enough. He’s busy on the phone,
talkin’ to our campaign staff. Seems we missed a council meetin’ this morning.
Oh, like I give a **** about council. Buncha ****ers.
1:15 PM. Up in cottage country.
Spent a lotta time up here hidin’ out pretendin’ I was actually in rehab.
Buncha idiots in Ford Nation still believe me. Man, they’re dumb. Dumber than a
lampshade in January.
1:40 PM. Bob lets us off near the
impound lot. We tell him to get his butt back to Toronto. We got work to do.
Damn, shoulda brought Sandro along to help us, but the cops are watchin’ him
too closely. ****in’ cops. I hate
those ****ers.
1:45 PM. Headin’ round back with
Dougie through the woods. Damn ****in' bugs bitin’ us all over. Owww! Stupid little ****ers! We see the Robmobile. Okay, all we
gotta do is get over that fence. How hard can that be?
1:46 PM. Dougie thought ahead. Brought some wire clippers. Good idea,
Dougie! Let’s just cut our way through that fence. Truth be told, I don’t think
my heart would let me make it over that fence.
1:50 PM. We’re in the Robmobile!
Success! I tell Dougie I’m drivin’. It’s been too long since I’ve had my hands
on the wheel. I’m fine to drive. I’ve
only had seven bottles of vodka on the drive up. And smoked some crack.
1:56 PM. Success! We’ve just
bulldozed our way out the front gates of the impound lot. Nearly ran down those
guards too, but hey, those ****ers shoulda been doin’ their job. Nobody messes with the Fords!
2:55 PM. Back on the big highway,
headin’ south, managed to knock over a few mailboxes for good measure. I got
the wheel of the Robmobile in one hand, a bottle of Iceberg Vodka in another.
Does life get any better than this?
3:05 PM. Oh, ****! Dougie! We got
cops behind us, and the ****ers are runnin’ their lights!
3:07 PM. Dougie’s on the phone
with our campaign staff. Seems we got ****in' news helicopters up there followin’ us
too. More ****in' cops now. Jeez, Dougie, you know what this is, brother? I’ll tell you
what it is. We’re havin’ an OJ in the
Bronco freeway chase! We hit the big
time, brother! Yeeeeeaaaaahhhhhh!!!!
3:17 PM. Still bein’ chased. The
****in’ cops haven’t tried to force us to stop yet, but they have put in a call
to Dougie’s phone. Wonder which one of my ****in' staffers gave up the number. Buncha
doublecrossin’ ****ers. When I find out who it was, I’m gonna have their ****in' legs
broken. I know guys who’ll do it for me.
Dougie says the cops are tellin’
him to tell me to pull over. **** that, Dougie! This thing we’re doin, it’s all
out, to the end!
4:05 PM. More helicopters
overhead. Less cars on the freeway south. More cops behind us. Buncha ****ers,
I’ll show you ****ers who’s who.
4:10 PM. Oh, ****!!! They’ve set up
a barricade! The whole ****in’ freeway’s blocked with those ****in’ cop ****in’
cars! Come on, Robbie, think! What would the Bandit do? ‘Cause in this
situation, you’re the Bandit, big guy!
4:11 PM. Damn it. Swerved the
Robmobile off the road and into the ditch.
Cops surroundin’ the car. Dougie,
think we can tell them it was all a ****in' joke? You think these stupid ****in’ cops
will buy that?
4:12 PM. Hauled outta the
Robmobile by the cops. Hey, do you ****ers know who I am? I’m Rob ****in’ Ford!
I’m the Mayor of Toronto! I’m gonna be Prime
Minister, you ****ers, and when I am, I’m gonna have every single one of
you ****ers beaten into a ****in' pulp!
Damn... those ****in' news choppers are
still overhead. Buncha maggot ****ers are probably filming all of this. Wonder
if I can say this was just a case of another drunken stupor?
4:40 PM. Bein’ booked with Dougie
in the local O.P.P. station. Buncha ****ers are takin’ our fingerprints,
bookin’ us like we’re just common crooks. And they wonder why I hate ****in’ cops.
5:15 PM. Stuck in a cell with
Dougie. I look over him and ask what he thinks this’ll do for our poll numbers.
7:45 PM. Bailed out by our lawyer
Dennis. Great guy, got our butts outta the fire plenty of times already, even
if I’m still awaiting trial on that hit and run, the whole drunk and disorderly
thing, hittin’ that King, hittin’ that Mountie... hell, I’ll still beat the rap
on all those in the end, and I’ll do the same with these forty eight new
charges. 100 percent, guaranteed. Ford More Years!
7:55 PM. Buncha maggot reporters
waitin’ outside. Dennis and Dougie shove through and get me in the back of the
car. I ignore their yells. Same way I ignore shirtless joggers. Hey, Dennis, I
could use a drink right now, you got any vodka in here?
11:45 PM. Back home, gettin’
hammered in the back yard. Whatta day. Those vulture scum ****ers in the press
are makin’ a big deal outta nothin’. It
was my ****in' car, after all, so I had every right to go get it. Ford Nation ****in' gets
that!
Come to think of it, I’d better
break the Robmobile outta wherever the **** they got it this time.
When's the next election?
ReplyDeleteTwo Fords in a Ford? I'm betting the guys in Detroit won't use THAT in their TV ads.
ReplyDeleteLove the way you capture his voice and personality!
So like, this guy can't be fired?
ReplyDeleteI notice he's either been keeping a low profile or we in the US just stopped reporting on him. :)
Too funny!!
If by the grace of what ever God Canada believes in and Rob Ford get kicked out of office, unfortunately Dougie is waiting in the wings to take over !
ReplyDeletecheers, parsnip
One of those current politicians we don't like to think about, I'm sure!
ReplyDelete@Petrea: end of October. The campaign started in January. Why it takes ten months is beyond me.
ReplyDelete@Norma: and it's such an obnoxious voice and personality.
@Diane: well, the council did what it could to neutralize him. He came back the day before Canada Day, and is back to his usual boorish crap. Got yelled at by that shirtless jogger, which I found hilarious.
@Parsnip: Dougie might as well admit he's been pulling the strings...
@Cheryl: the sooner that abysmal family is removed from public life forever, the better.
What a revolting man he is.
ReplyDeleteYes, Mr. Owl. Do claw his eyes out.
ReplyDeleteYes, Mr. Owl. Do claw his eyes out.
ReplyDelete@Scarlett and James: he surely is.
ReplyDelete@Lynn: now that would be a photo op for the ages!