Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

A Day In The Life Of A Cat

7:28 AM. Slowly waking up. Dreamed of catnip.

7:45 AM. The staff finally makes her way downstairs. Well, hello there, staff. I expect breakfast post haste. Something tasty and not involving field rations.

7:50 AM. The staff disappoints me yet again with field rations. I sigh in much dismay.

7:52 AM. After reluctance, I eat some field rations. I had better be getting the dinner of the epoch in compensation, staff...

8:10 AM. I feel like a stretch of the legs. Staff, open the door.

8:35 AM. Have conducted thorough patrol of my immediate surroundings outside the house. No sign of anything amiss.

8:40 AM. Oh, great, it's that idiot dog from down the road passing by. 

8:41 AM. Expressing my disdain for the dog, who of course looks confused. Dogs usually are confused.

8:50 AM. Back inside. For some strange reason the staff is doing a lot of cooking.

9:07 AM. The staff mentions in passing that the family reunion is today, and she's hosting this year.

Hey, wait a minute... you didn't clear this with me!

9:14 AM. Oh this will not do, this will not do. Family reunions mean little kids. Including those not so bright little kids belonging to the staff's sister and her moron of a husband. That means kids chasing me around and making my life miserable

9:25 AM. I don't imagine I could get lucky and have a blizzard show up and cancel the whole thing? Of course not, it's July.

9:37 AM. Scouting out hiding spots in the house. Okay, think. Generally at these things people stay outside and sit around on lawn chairs and yack their heads off. That means you stay inside, keep yourself concealed, and you can get through this day without being tormented by little brats.

9:50 AM. Have selected my primary hiding spot in the master bedroom. I can keep an eye on things outside from the windows, but hide in the big closet behind those boxes that are too big for little kids to move. Yes, that will do nicely. I'd better have backup bolt holes though.

10:05 AM. Second spot selected in the library, in the bookcase, behind these nice oversized coffee table books. I hide behind the Robert Bateman volumes a lot anyway, and as long as no one's thinking of taking out some reading material, I ought to be okay.

12:10 PM. Waking up from nap behind the books. Checking things with my hearing before I peer out. Can't bear to find myself in a room full of annoying relations. 

12:12 PM. We're still alone. I find the staff in the kitchen making preparations. Staff, you and I are going to have a serious sit down and talk about your taking liberties with my house. I did not clear you to have a family reunion here.

The staff placates me with some sausage.

1:30 PM. Sitting on back of couch, staring outside when I see a car turning onto the driveway. 

Oh no. It's begun.

1:31 PM. Have beat a hasty retreat upstairs. Watching carefully out window, which is fortunately open. Yes, it's the sister, the moron husband, and their dullard children.

This is going to be a long afternoon....

1:33 PM. The kids are asking their auntie- my staff- where I am. Don't you even think of telling them, staff!!!

To her credit, the staff says she thinks I'm out wandering somewhere.

2:10 PM. More relations showing up. I did not invite you, or you... not you either. And that guy, I know he doesn't like cats, which tells me everything I will ever need to know about him. 

Well, no one's coming inside, let alone upstairs. I might be safe. For now. And it could be worse. The staff seems to have not invited whatever guy it was she had sex with on the night of the wedding. Come to think of it, that seems to have been a one night stand, because there's no trace that she's even been in touch with the guy. All the better. The staff's mating habits must be cleared with my express permission in the future.

4:50 PM. Running a reconnaissance of the view below by looking out the window. Lots of people I don't particularly like, yakking away. Oh, wait a minute... one of the kids saw me! And she's pointing to the window!

Oh no, they're going to come inside!

4:51 PM. Have rapidly decided to retreat to the secondary hideout. Hearing the kids downstairs. Since they saw me in the bedroom window, they'll look there anyway. Scrambling into the library and hiding behind the books just as I hear them coming up the stairs. I swear, if my staff even thinks of having kids....

4:55 PM. From here I can hear the staff's sister telling the kids to come back outside. They protest that they want to find the cat and dress me up in doll's clothing.

6:40 PM. Being more careful about watching the family outside from the second floor. They're all having dinner. My urge to go out and mooch is kept in check by my determination not to let those brats anywhere near me. Oh, staff, you will have things to answer for....

9:25 PM. Coming downstairs. The last of the cars seems to be gone. The staff is on her own in the kitchen. I meow my deep displeasure at her for letting all those relatives come over without my permission, expressing grave misgivings about any such events ever happening again.

She sets down a plate full of food, all of which smells delightful.

You're forgiven, staff. This time.


  1. I laughed at the one where the cat couldn't believe they posted pictures on FaceBook.

  2. What? "Press delete"? Sheesh! That's just plain scary!

    Great job, William! You made my day!

  3. Well that didn't go too badly.. Only one very slight 'almost' brush with the little monsters :) I think cat got off pretty lightly :)

  4. Grumpy Cat would know how to get rid of bratty kids!

  5. Laugh out loud cartoons is a great start to the day!
    Jane x

  6. @Whisk: poor kitty!

    @Lowell: thank you.

    @Grace: yes she did!

    @Norma: Oh, she would!

    @Jane and Chris: thank you!

  7. The Grumpy Cat Sphinx was awesome! The kittens were too cute.

  8. You know...all these years it was on the tip of my tongue, exactly what a wet cat looks like. And, now. NOW, I know. :D

    Thanks Will. *thumbs up*

  9. Don't know which I like better: your cat blogs or your dog blogs!

    I came, I saw, I complained. Sounds about right!

  10. The vulture one cracked me up! Ahh, gotta love family reunion time :)

  11. Funny, but Grumpy Cat stole the show.

  12. @Auden: thank you!

    @Diane: that kitty does look the part!

    @Cheryl: doesn't it?

    @Meradeth: I figured having my dog and cat deal with family reunion issues was a good theme!

    @Mari: she often does!

  13. I wondered who was the model for "the staffs sister, the moron husband"

    cheers, parsnip

  14. I came. I saw. I complained. LOL

  15. The poor cat! Thank goodness he wasn't discovered:). Loved all the pics. My son kept asking me why I kept laughing--he enjoyed them too!


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