Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Friday, November 18, 2011

The Twilight Saga: Will Someone Please Stake Mr. Sparkles?

And so we come to it at last... The Mr. Sparkles blog. I know, a fair number of you Twi-hards have been indulgent as I've skewered Dog Boy and the Sullen Idiot in the last two blogs, but now I'm getting down to the last member of the Unholy Trinity... and it might well be that skewering Mr. Sparkles is verboten territory.

It's a shame my face is out there in my blog comments. Otherwise I could have just as easily put up a picture of my idiot ex-brother in law with his sneer and beady eyes. I'd have said, "Yes, this is what I look like, and if you feel like murdering me because of this blog, I live somewhere in Brampton, Ontario. Just start knocking at every door. Sooner or later you'll find me!"

Oh well. Should have thought of that one sooner.

And so... let us begin. Yes, Mr. Sparkles (also known as Edward Cullen, also known as Eddie Weddie, also known as Widdle Eddie), has singlehandedly set back the reputation of vampires in fiction back into parody. Where the vampire has long been feared as a predatory monster, now these books have created a very different kind of vampire. One who sparkles. How have these monsters fallen so far?

There are actually Twilight condoms???

Folks, let me remind you... in the folklore and fictional tradition, vampires are soulless, predatory monsters that aren't interested in a relationship. All they want is your blood. Lots of it. That is, after all, what they survive on. And writing them as if they're the good guy does them no service. They really need to get some PR people on their side to remind the world that they're still bad asses. Stephanie Meyer has dealt a savage blow to their reputation.

"Lo, in that day, the Twi-hards will scream in ecstasy when the storytelling of the sparkly one begins. And those who dislike the sparkly one and all that he represents will roll their eyes in dismay and hope that the plague of sparkly vampires passes quickly, for it is truly an irritating plague, more so then the bite of the blackfly...." ~ from the Book of Kendall, Chapter XII, Verse XVI.

Yes, it's bad enough that girls are growing up reading this and thinking of how romantic it must be to be stalked by a dead guy. But some of their mothers are doing the same thing!

And what for? For this guy!

Edward Cullen, also known as Mr. Sparkles, I sentence you to be staked in the heart until you are naught but ash, for the grave offense of annoying me.....

I've already compared the Twilight franchise to Harry Potter last time out. I'll draw out one more comparison. JK Rowling brought death into the game from the start, by making her protagonist an orphan whose parents were killed by a dark wizard. That's throwing a child character into the deep end, which is a good thing. And as the series progressed, she had no problem killing characters the readers cared about in traumatic ways (with the exception of Cedric Diggory, who would be doomed to be played in the movie by the same guy who went on to play Mr. Sparkles. Nobody cares about Cedric). My point is, she wasn't afraid to kill off good characters, and indeed, by the last book, it seems half the characters die.

Contrast this with the conclusion of the Twilight books. No, I haven't read them. I thought I made that clear. Still, I know how it ends, so... nobody dies! Despite the fact that a responsible author might kill off a long time character or two as a sacrifice, Meyer chooses not to. Instead, she gives everyone a happy ending.

Well, except for those of us who dislike the series. We might have preferred an ending where Edward gets staked, Bella takes her own life out of grief, and Jacob, finding his two menage a trois playmates, throws himself in front of a silver bullet rather then face a life alone.

That would be a happy ending. Plus, it would guarantee no further books in this series. See? It's a win-win, all ways round!

Mr. Sparkles has done the vampire world no favours. None of them like how he's ruined their reputation.

The lord of all vampires does not approve of Mr. Sparkles....

Neither do Lestat or Louis....

Vampire Kiefer would like a word with Edward....

Spike and Dru... you don't like the Cullens either? Of course not. Here, here's a stake. Go get them.

Come to think of it, other immortal young fictional characters have little use for the ways of Mr. Sparkles....

When will we get back to the days of proper vamps in book or film?

We just might have to make do with other monsters for awhile.

No, I don't get this one either....

What we need is someone (or something) to rid the world of the Cullens forever. In a pinch, a dinosaur will do....

Perhaps Lord Voldemort....

Blade, come on. You spend all your time hunting vamps, buddy. Stake this one. And his girlfriend. And while it's not your usual target, get rid of that werewolf.

Professor Van Helsing, come on. You have no problem beheading vampire brides. Do us all a favour and take out the Cullens. It won't take you more then five seconds. Edward's not a challenge, after all....

Or maybe we can leave it to the other Van Helsing, Gabriel. Listen, mate, there's this sparkly vampire the Vatican wants you to dust...

I think, in the end, we'll have to leave the job to a slayer. Buffy, the world needs you. Do what you do best. Take out Edward, once and for all. We'll be ever so grateful, we will.


  1. Awww, isn't he cute!!!


    What's the question again? I don't know what you're talking about...

    I will inform you later of when I happen to go see this particular movie again...then I will pay the cuss jar happily.

  2. I knew Beth would be waiting for this one. Just make sure she's not armed!

    You're going to miss these movies, Sir Wills. Admit it. You LOVE skewering them!

  3. William, I'm sorry but I almost didn't come see this... after all this is the third post about something you don't even like.
    Bela Lugosi doesn't approve and either do I. Must be our nationality.
    Van Helsing was a good movie with Hugh Jackman but a 107 year old sparkly, blood sucking virgin...ick.
    Love the Peter Pan letter. Cute post!!

  4. Loved this. The pictures are all hysterical.

  5. Shouldn't have read that in a quiet college library ...

  6. That...was an amazing post. Thanks for the laughs :)

  7. Nicely done. However, I missed Cedric. What can I say? In the end, he would have let Harry win. Back to vampires. Imagine living in a small town with a housefull of vampires and no one has a clue. Edward Cullen and his sibs at school, looking so different, and no one has a clue. The town deserves them.

  8. wahahahahahahahah....
    You so crack me up !

    What a huge waste of good paper and ink these books are ! ick ick ick ! ewwwwwwwwww !
    What is so bad it all the crazy moms, notice the lower case letter they should know better, are bat shit crazy over this poorly written garbage.
    Sparkle is a stalker, who is controlling and removes/isolates her from everyone.... this is what you want for your daughters? ick !

    I love the idea of putting your x brother in law photo with address. You could have gotten rid of all of them with one swoop.
    Thanks so much for the sparkly giggles !

    cheers, parsnip
    Watson and Hamish say woof !

  9. Hilarious post. I've never seen the appeal of vampires. Now Frankenstien that's a heart throb. He's the strong silent type and he's all man, or parts of men.

  10. I'd say that any guy who says he likes Twilight is just trying to get use out of that Twilight condom with the girl who likes Twilight.

  11. LOL!!! I'm glad you got this out of your system. LOL!!

    My favourite vampire of all time is The Count from Sesame Street.

    Take care

  12. I have to be truthful and say that I haven't really thought a lot about vampires. I know they're the craze. And are people really altering their teeth?

    They moved pretty fast in the movie. That was kind of scary.

  13. Ha! Spike and Drusilla. I won't show my wife this one, she may actually like it just for that and the Buffy reference.

  14. Mr Sparkles... snort! I've managed to avoid both books and film(s?) so far. Thank goodness.


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