The Twilight Saga: Dog Boy Has A Flea Problem

A note before we get started here.... devoted fans of the Twilight franchise are probably going to want to skip this and the next two blogs. I'm going to be skewering the books and the movies, so consider yourselves warned in advance. And with that... on with the skewering....

This Friday sees the opening of Breaking Dawn Part One, the first half of the film adaptation of the final book in the series. Whereas the final Harry Potter book was split into two movies in a way that made sense, here it's little more then a marketing ploy to drain more money out of the Twi-hards by the studios. And so I thought I'd do three blogs, one focused on each of the Unholy Trinity, as I've come to think of them. Jacob, Bella, and Edward, otherwise known as Dog Boy, Sullen Idiot, and Mr. Sparkles.

Yes, the three actors turned up in Hollywood recently to do that whole hands and footprints in cement thing. This despite the fact that these three have only been working a handful of years and that far more deserving talent haven't had it done yet. Go figure.

The Twilight fans are a bit of a rabid, hysterical lot, for some reason. In fact, where once upon a time, Trekkies were considered strange and unusual, these days they're downright normal and very well adjusted by comparison....

The Bible tells us the story of the plagues of Egypt and the Exodus. The Pharoah could consider himself lucky. He never had to deal with the plague of tween and teen idols that we have today, after all. A few of these nitwits, and locusts, hail, and blood looks like a walk in the park by comparison.

And so, let us begin... with an examination of the first part of the Unholy Trinity, Jacob the flea bitten werewolf....

Yes, Jacob... the angry third part of the romantic triangle (or menage a trois, depending on which fan fiction you read). In these books he's the werewolf teen who supposedly wants the Sullen Idiot for some reason. This of course brings Dog Boy into conflict with Mr. Sparkles.

It doesn't help that Taylor Lautner looks like the first cousin of a llama, does it?

Admittedly, for awhile, before I was blissfully ignorant of these books (this would have been before the first movie), I would hear on occasion the words "Team Jacob" and "Team Edward". I wondered what it meant.

Believe me, there have been many times I wish I had remained blissfully ignorant of the whole franchise...

I've only seen the first film. Just to see what the fuss was about. Two hours of my life that I will never, ever get back. Damn you, Catherine Hardwicke! I have no interest in seeing more films in the series (no film reviews out of me on this one, trust me). I have no interest in reading the books. I do know that somewhere along the line, the Sullen Idiot is leaning towards Team Dog Boy rather then Team Mr. Sparkles....

Some months back, when seeing the final Harry Potter film, a trailer played in advance. There were a number of quick cuts, a brooding score... and then Billy Burke appearing on the film. He plays Bella's daddy in the films, of course. It was at that moment that I realized... Good God, no... not a Twilight trailer! A woman sitting with her friend in the row behind me muttered, "Not one of those again!" Good. I'm not the only one who finds these films profoundly annoying.

And there he was. Taylor Lautner (Mr. Llama playing Dog Boy) receives an invitation to attend the wedding of Mr. Sparkles and Sullen Idiot (I'll have you calling them that before I'm done). He looks angry, irritated, and decides to go sulk in the woods and howl at the moon. One wonders who he's more jealous of. And so, the last image of the trailer I saw (before turning my eyes away from the screen and calculating how long a trailer lasts) was Dog Boy running outside and turning into a flea bitten werewolf.

Werewolves, meanwhile, demand retribution by having their good reputation dragged through the mud by Stephanie Meyer....

Well, it's coming. This Friday, the Twi-hards will be out in force, screaming their heads off. "OhmyGod!" will be heard often (no spaces in between, just one word). Girls and women will wear shirts depicting themselves as on Team Edward or Team Jacob. Signs will be held asking for marriage proposals from Mr. Sparkles (Robert Pattinson has horror stories, by the way).

The rest of us will just hunker down, ride out the storm, and hope like hell it blows over fast.