Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Monday, November 14, 2011

The Twilight Saga: Dog Boy Has A Flea Problem

A note before we get started here.... devoted fans of the Twilight franchise are probably going to want to skip this and the next two blogs. I'm going to be skewering the books and the movies, so consider yourselves warned in advance. And with that... on with the skewering....

This Friday sees the opening of Breaking Dawn Part One, the first half of the film adaptation of the final book in the series. Whereas the final Harry Potter book was split into two movies in a way that made sense, here it's little more then a marketing ploy to drain more money out of the Twi-hards by the studios. And so I thought I'd do three blogs, one focused on each of the Unholy Trinity, as I've come to think of them. Jacob, Bella, and Edward, otherwise known as Dog Boy, Sullen Idiot, and Mr. Sparkles.

Yes, the three actors turned up in Hollywood recently to do that whole hands and footprints in cement thing. This despite the fact that these three have only been working a handful of years and that far more deserving talent haven't had it done yet. Go figure.

The Twilight fans are a bit of a rabid, hysterical lot, for some reason. In fact, where once upon a time, Trekkies were considered strange and unusual, these days they're downright normal and very well adjusted by comparison....

The Bible tells us the story of the plagues of Egypt and the Exodus. The Pharoah could consider himself lucky. He never had to deal with the plague of tween and teen idols that we have today, after all. A few of these nitwits, and locusts, hail, and blood looks like a walk in the park by comparison.

And so, let us begin... with an examination of the first part of the Unholy Trinity, Jacob the flea bitten werewolf....

Yes, Jacob... the angry third part of the romantic triangle (or menage a trois, depending on which fan fiction you read). In these books he's the werewolf teen who supposedly wants the Sullen Idiot for some reason. This of course brings Dog Boy into conflict with Mr. Sparkles.

It doesn't help that Taylor Lautner looks like the first cousin of a llama, does it?

Admittedly, for awhile, before I was blissfully ignorant of these books (this would have been before the first movie), I would hear on occasion the words "Team Jacob" and "Team Edward". I wondered what it meant.

Believe me, there have been many times I wish I had remained blissfully ignorant of the whole franchise...

I've only seen the first film. Just to see what the fuss was about. Two hours of my life that I will never, ever get back. Damn you, Catherine Hardwicke! I have no interest in seeing more films in the series (no film reviews out of me on this one, trust me). I have no interest in reading the books. I do know that somewhere along the line, the Sullen Idiot is leaning towards Team Dog Boy rather then Team Mr. Sparkles....

Some months back, when seeing the final Harry Potter film, a trailer played in advance. There were a number of quick cuts, a brooding score... and then Billy Burke appearing on the film. He plays Bella's daddy in the films, of course. It was at that moment that I realized... Good God, no... not a Twilight trailer! A woman sitting with her friend in the row behind me muttered, "Not one of those again!" Good. I'm not the only one who finds these films profoundly annoying.

And there he was. Taylor Lautner (Mr. Llama playing Dog Boy) receives an invitation to attend the wedding of Mr. Sparkles and Sullen Idiot (I'll have you calling them that before I'm done). He looks angry, irritated, and decides to go sulk in the woods and howl at the moon. One wonders who he's more jealous of. And so, the last image of the trailer I saw (before turning my eyes away from the screen and calculating how long a trailer lasts) was Dog Boy running outside and turning into a flea bitten werewolf.

Werewolves, meanwhile, demand retribution by having their good reputation dragged through the mud by Stephanie Meyer....

Well, it's coming. This Friday, the Twi-hards will be out in force, screaming their heads off. "OhmyGod!" will be heard often (no spaces in between, just one word). Girls and women will wear shirts depicting themselves as on Team Edward or Team Jacob. Signs will be held asking for marriage proposals from Mr. Sparkles (Robert Pattinson has horror stories, by the way).

The rest of us will just hunker down, ride out the storm, and hope like hell it blows over fast.


  1. What? No flea dip for Jacob?

    It would be funny if both Dog Boy and Mr; Sparkles dumped the vapid Bella and rode off into the moonlight together....

  2. Jacob isn't smart enough to think of flea dip. And he doesn't bathe often...

  3. Wait, you're basing your entire opinion of the entire series on seeing one movie and not reading any of the books ...? Does Beth know about this?

    Why, that's just not ... not ...

    Actually, it's pretty fair.

    Truth is, the movie was better than the first book -- at least you didn't have to pull your hair out through all the basic writing mistakes.

  4. And writing mistakes aside, look at all the money she made.

  5. And she is still making money. You ought to check out her official Twilight site.
    I've read all the books - curiosity always wins with me. I doubt I'll read them again. Breaking Dawn was the best book, but too gory and weird for me. And I still say, who would want to make love to a frozen stiff... ouch.

  6. Oh, that was close....

    My censor is almost always asleep at the wheel, but I did manage to stop the comment that immediately came to mind before it could leap from my tongue.

    No...must not say it...must not say it....

    Since when is stiff a bad thing?


  7. LOL Oh William...sweet, sweet William....when will you ever learn that I have no idea what you're talking about??? Seriously...I don't!

    Who is this Dog Boy and who the heck is that ugly girl??? Aw, but look at that cute guy that sparkles...I like bling!


    You keep talking in riddles...stop it!

    **Team Edward all the way!!!**

  8. I opt for staying ignorant. :) Thanks for more information than I needed. Poor Beth.

  9. It's just not fair!!!! Not fair, not fair, not fair!!! *stomps foot and sticks out lip*

    Ok, enough Miss Nicey Nice!! More snow blogs for you!!!!

  10. You know, when part two shows itself... I could, for instance, write a second series of three Twilight blogs...

  11. In this case, Norma, stiff's a bad thing when the other person in the equation doesn't have a pulse.

    Except, of course, if we're talking about Molly Parker playing the lead in the film Kissed.

  12. I haven't read the books or seen the movie. But all this skewering is making me want to!

  13. That is kind of sad that they got Hollywood squares....oh, wait I'm supposed to not be so agreable. Norma said you wanted to be yelled at. dare you talk about Edward that way!!!!! I'm never speaking to you again!!! *hands on hips*, *foot stomp*, *middle finger* Oh, I take back the middle finger...that's too much.

  14. I haven't read the books or seen the movies and probably never will just on principle. I did see a trailer for part 1 tonight and the voice-over said that it was deemed one of the most epic love stories ever. I'm wondering what idiot critic said that!

  15. Sir Wills: You're not looking at the whole picture regarding Twilight.

  16. I haven't read any of the books or watched any of the films... and I don't plan to any time soon!

  17. LOL! I can see how it all must seem to a guy your age. When I read the books a few years ago, I loved them. I actually saw the Twilight movie first and was intrigued enough to want to read it. I flew thru the books and loved them, I can't lie. Now fast forward a few years when I know a lot more about writing, and I'm not sure what I'd think of the books. I can't even read Harry Potter without picking out errors. But I think Twilight gave teen girls something they've needed and it moved upward into adult women. It's the sensuality that women crave with a dark twist of paranormal. Yeah, I get how it seems ridiculous and all, but you can't deny the spark that so many fell for. And I'd rather be home sick throwing up than go to a Bieber concert, but I admit that Baby Baby song is super catchy. LOL
    Same reason I don't listen to Madonna for her deep moving lyrics... it's just fun and evokes a certain feeling.
    I love that Star Trek pic... I'm copying that one right now....

  18. I really need to show this to my wife. She will be annoyed and I will laugh.


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