Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Let Me Get This Straight... The Sleazy Weasel Is The Sexiest Man Alive?

Before I get things started today, I thought I'd direct you to a blog I did over at Lyn Fuch's blog Sacred Ground, which you can find by clicking right here. I wrote about the wolves of Algonquin Park, here in Canada.

Now then, to the business at hand...

People, that bastion of journalistic corruption, came out with the usual Sexiest Man Alive (plus the runners up) in recent days. The magazine, of course, is little more then a tabloid, part of the scourge of like minded titles that seem obsessed with convincing the public that Jennifer Aniston (heretofore known as The Annoying One) is America's Sweetheart, and plastering no name "reality" stars on their covers. This year, the Sexiest Man Alive is Bradley Cooper.

Yes, the Sleazy Weasel.

Years ago, when he was a cast member of Alias, I thought he was a decent enough actor, somewhat quiet and unassuming. Then he became famous. And somewhere along the line... he took on a tone of sleaziness, smarminess, and smugness, as if the fame went right to his head. He seems to have become the sort of person you wouldn't trust under any circumstances, the kind of star who, to borrow a phrase, would go to the opening of an envelope if it meant getting his pictures in the papers. Yes, he became the Dirtbag. And this is the guy they pass off as the Sexiest Man Alive?

There are some reasonable choices on that list, and if you haven't seen Norma's take on this one, check out her blog about who the sexiest men alive should be. There are, however, some glaring choices that make us wonder how big the bribes are. Mr. Sparkles and Dog Boy (Robert Pattinson and Taylor "the Llama" Lautner) made the list for some inexplicable reason. And even stranger... so did Seth McFarlane.

I know, you're thinking, Seth Who? This is the dolt who created the irritating Family Guy and its various spinoffs. Not only is he not sexy in any bizarre alternate universe, he's not funny either. He's just obnoxious. I wonder how much he paid to get on the list. The equivalent of a third world country's national debt, perhaps?

It could have been worse. At least the Mop Headed Cretin didn't make the list. Of course, Justin Bieber has enough difficulties on his plate these days, what with paternity tests and little Biebers popping up. (Complete aside: when the Bieb runs out of fans and money and has to resort to selling himself as an escort, he's already got a marketing line: The Bieber: Only lasts thirty seconds before giving out and falling asleep).

So, as Norma has already done the list of guys who ought to make such lists, it falls to me to do a list of the sexiest women alive, and I've gotten some input from fellow Writers of Mass Distraction Mike Saxton and Mark Hunter on this one. I promise, there will be no sign of the Annoying One, or anything remotely resembling a Kardashian (complete aside: Memo to NASA... figure out a way to launch the Kardashian family into the sun, and you'll have funding for the next four billion years).

And so, on with the list....

I must, of course, start out with the enchanting Emily Blunt....

And while we're at it, Rachel Weisz certainly rates more then a mention.

Ayelet Zurer is an Israeli actress you might best know from Angels & Demons. She's feisty. I like feisty, what can I say?

Mike put in a good word for Jessica Alba. She does have that effect....

Helen Mirren is one of those actresses who just looks great at any age. And she commands the screen when she shows up.

There's no way I could compile a list like this and leave Anne Hathaway out....

The first time I saw Kate Mara in anything, it was in an slightly unhinged role in 24...Since then she's shown up in films like Stone of Destiny and 127 Hours. She's got spirit.

For the musically inclined, there's Carrie Underwood...

Mark brought up the exceptional Natalie Portman. He and I are in agreement!

I know that Collin's fond of Jeri Ryan, who was so memorable in Star Trek Voyager... (Resistance is futile!)

I've been amazed by this next actress in pretty much any role she's played. Catherine Keener is one of those actresses who comes across as the smartest player in the game, and is fascinating to watch.

The same goes for Catherine Zeta Jones, who happens to be handy with a sword...

And I've had a fondness for Juliette Binoche ever since Chocolat....

I present to you... Sela Ward.

Another of my favourite actresses, Kelly MacDonald....

Mike is a fan of the new program Revenge. I haven't seen it, but he thinks two of the cast members deserve a mention. First, there's Emily VanCamp...

And Ashley Medekwe...

I have to add two singers to the mix, the first being the lovely Norah Jones...

And the second being my favourite singer, Sarah McLachlan....

Helena Bonham Carter has been one of my favourite actresses for a long while, and has a habit of playing off kilter or even deranged characters on screen... when she's not playing a queen, that is...

Mark enjoys how Eliza Dushku kicks butt, takes names, and looks great doing it. I agree with him!

I mentioned Alias earlier. Of course the smashing Jennifer Garner must make this list. Just like Eliza, she looks great kicking butt and taking names....

Scarlett Johansson gets to play the world's most dangerous woman in The Avengers. She rates as a contender....

How can we forget Rachel McAdams? She lights up the screen everytime she's on it...

I'm a big fan of Castle, so naturally I must give a nod to the outstanding Stana Katic....

And of course, the love of Kermit's life. She insisted on being on the list. And as a wise man once said, "It's wisest to give Miss Piggy what she wants."


  1. If Miss Piggy made the list, there's hope for me yet! (Just kidding, Miss P. I know you're already pissed at me for making eyes at your frog.)

    This is an outstanding list! If I were into girls, I'd go for any of them. And thank you, thank you, thank you for pointing out the sheer stupidity of the editors at People for even suggesting Seth MacFarlane is even remotely sexy! They had to have been paid off...and probably handed out barf bags at the editorial meeting in which this list was comprised!

  2. Wow, that's an interesting group of ladies William.
    Natalie Portman? Yikes,I know she's petite but I'm scared--very scared.

  3. I think this is an outstanding list of beautiful women. Distinguished, confident, classy and otherworldly! :)

  4. I added a couple of names to the Hot Guys list.

    Why are you afraid, Eve?

  5. Perhaps seeing Black Swan had that effect?

  6. I like everyone on your list except Natalie Portman.

    Her acting especially in Black Swan made my teeth itch, couldn't finish it same expression with bugged eyes. She has no light the blandness is overwhelming.
    As for just putting her on the list for beauty alone ennnnnnn, she is just like a female Bradley Cooper for me.

    cheers, parsnip

  7. I like most of the women on your list...especially Miss Piggy...! She's got my vote!!

  8. I didn't know you were a Castle fan. I get hives if I miss an episode.

  9. Castle is about the last program on television that I have to see, Karla! I love it. Beyond that, I watch little television.

  10. Great list! Over the years I'm not such a huge fan of Natalie Portman personally as I used to be, but I remember thinking even back when I saw "The Professional" that she had a rare beauty and a presence that was going to take her far. You have to admit, I was right about that...

    Castle's probably in my top 5 of favorite programs on TV right now.

  11. I really like Castle, too. We get it via Roku, so we can watch it anytime!

  12. I still can't believe I forgot about Scarlett Johansson and Catherine Zeta Jones. I should have also included Olivia Wilde. Of course, I am such a wuss that if they were in front of me, I would have no idea what to say.

  13. I don't care for Miss Piggy's nose, so I'll have to disagree on that choice.

  14. ALIAS! Thank you, thank you! I knew I'd seen him somewhere before, but I couldn't remember where. It was driving me crazy!

    God, I miss that show. I used to love it.

  15. Ha ha! Miss piggy is one fiesty lady. I love Castle. And Revenge! All of my favorites are up there...not that I swing for that team, but if I did, I'd be all over Anne Hathaway, Rachel McAdams, Emily Blunt and Rachel Weiz.

  16. Any list that doesn't include me or my cat is no list at all.
    Take care

  17. Christina--he let me pick some of the ladies, so I had to start with, "If I was into chicks, I'd go for...."

  18. I think you missed a few for the older crowd like Raquel Welch and Morgan Fairchild. If I were into chicks -

    As for the sexist guys for this year? Yuck. Where was George Clooney - as a woman said to me at a pharmacy - I would like to meet George Clooney in a dark alley.

  19. Nice choices. Two from Star Trek and one from Harry Potter. I think Ashley Greene is one of the prettiest and a great actress. But then you're not fond of Twilight.

  20. Great list of fantastic women! I just love Catherine Kenner's speaking voice. She's so unique. And of course Norah and Sarah are singers in a category all their own.
    I love that all your choices are more than sexy... they're talented.

  21. I also just adore Catherine Kenner and agree with you and Pk!


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