Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

The Twilight Saga: The Sullen Idiot Can't Make Up Her Mind

Today in the second part of my blog trilogy, I turn my attention, of course, to the second part of the Unholy Trinity, Bella Swan, the heroine, if you want to call her that, of the Twilight saga. I just refer to her as the Sullen Idiot, primarily because of the movies... where Kristen Stewart playing the thankless role seems incapable of making any facial expression beyond casual indifference.

Yes, we have Stephanie Meyer to blame for the creation of this whole series, and she's made a financial killing on it in the process. As noted in the last blog, I've never read the books. My brother has, however, and regretted it ever since. I suspect he lost a bet. He was less then impressed... and saying less then impressed is as adequate a term as calling Lake Superior a pond.

He's of the impression that if Ms. Meyer had been the screenwriter for Titanic, Jack Dawson would have lived. Regardless of the fact that every single sign through that movie pointed to Jack dying.

Admit it: this is the version of Twilight that would have been entertaining....

And so now that we're started, I give you the less then formidable Bella Swan, she who can't decide between the dead vampire and the flea bitten werewolf. Or is that were-llama?
I'm on that team!

So, let's see here... Breaking Dawn features the Sullen Idiot marrying Mr. Sparkles and having a vampire baby with him. It turns out that she's actually capable of making a decision after dragging her heels for three or four years.

Now, if I could be serious here for a moment? I do have some actual issues with the books and movies, and here they are....

First.... Bella Swan is a huge step back for female characters in fiction. She's utterly dependent on the men in her life, incapable of asserting herself. She willfully goes along with having herself isolated by the mysterious sparkly stranger she meets in the first book. It seems to me that Edward (Mr. Sparkles, I know, but I'm trying to be serious here) seeks to isolate her from everyone in her life. His behaviour isn't romantic. It comes across (at least to me) as stalker behaviour. This is a guy who's creeping into her bedroom to watch her sleep at night, who's overly possessive... all of these are signs of a potential abuser. And yet a generation of girls are growing up thinking, "OMG! Edward is so romantic! I love Edward! OMG!"

He's not, ladies... this is the sort of behaviour that results in restraining orders ten years down the line.

Contrast Bella with other fictional characters of late. Hermione Granger from the Harry Potter books is the most obvious one. She's brave, bold, decisive, and the smartest witch of her age. She finds herself at a bad place emotionally, and she soldiers on... she just gets on with it. She's an active, assertive, well rounded personality. Whereas Bella is submissive, meek, utterly lost without the supposed love of her life (who happens to be a century older then her). The way she comes across is as an emotional cripple who can't go on without the presence of a pale faced bloodsucking soulless vamp to carry her about.

Which of these two characters is someone to look up to?

Okay, serious time over.

The Count is never wrong, you know....

Like I indicated... Hermione Granger is a better character on her worst day and Bella's very best day...

That fight will only last three seconds.

Of course, there's all sorts of fan fic out there about Twilight (for some reason). Some of which speculates on just what it is that really goes on between the Unholy Trinity.

And then there's the matter of Bella's taste in baby names....Renesmee??? Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Exhibit #45 in our case that Bella Swan is, indeed, an idiot. Anyone who would name a child that clearly has a low IQ.

Twilight: a true scourge on the land. With the first part of Breaking Dawn about to hit theatres, we can hope that we're near the end, but we're not. Part Two shall be showing itself in a year. Twi-hards will be screaming "OMG! OMG! OMG!" Mr. Sparkles will still be sparkling in that last film. Dog Boy will still be depressed in that last film. And Sullen Idiot shall still have only one facial expression....

I ask the fates: what did we do to deserve such a scourge upon us?
I'm with you, Gaston!


  1. Okay, I'll bite...which of the Twi-hards will kick your butt first?

  2. Time to scarper for a fallout shelter, you think?

  3. I'm always turning away or flipping the channels when they show the previews and I don't know anything about the show other than I am not--definitely not interested. However, that version with McCain and Sarah Palin made me giggle and you're right that might be interesting! LOL
    Plus the Confidence poster makes my day!

  4. Well, see I agree with you on the whole Sullen Idiot part...just not on the rest...

    I happened to like the books..."The time when the sun comes up" is my favourite of all of them. And, cutie-patootie Mr. Sparkly-pants was cast perfectly. Dog boy...or rather, were-llama (I like that)...well, he's just too angry and he smells one likes wet dog smell...

  5. Might be your funniest yet, William! The Gaston cartoon is priceless. And I've read all of the Twilight books!

  6. I frankly didn't like either one, Twilight nor Harry Potter series. To be fair, I was struggling with my new clock radio instructional manual and found it infinitely more engrossing than the movie. (By the way, the clock radio still sits in my closet...never did figure out to work the darn thing), but you make an interesting point about Hermoine, a point I heartily agree with. Far better role model for modern girls. However, now I'm the brief glances I cast when Twilight was on, I was more attracted to the beefy "wet-dog smelling" werewolf than I was the skinny, pale, sparkly boy (visions of "bi" here where it relates to Edward, by the way). Now I'm worried....about the whole "dog attraction thing. I guess I just like "beastly" men. hehehehe

  7. I'll be honest, in my youth I may have been drawn to the story. Maybe, if I wasn't too busy dreaming of fighting maniacs and evil wizards. I went through the guy crazy thing. I, for some reason, thought it was better to compete against my crushes and show them I could beat them at their game. Whatever game. Hunh. Maybe that explains why I never had a boyfriend. Anyway. For some the books hit a chord that I can't understand. It seems to be the case for many of us. But it did hit a chord. That's all I can say about that. I wish there were a way to predict what people will love and go OMG OMG OMG over... hmmm

  8. It's nice to know that the Edward and Jacob fans will finally agree on something, even if it's only tracking you down with flaming torches. ;-)

  9. I learned so much. Thanks! Think I'll look into some of these books and see what I've been missing!

  10. Another great blog William, but riddle me this... When Sullen Idiot marries Edward Cullen, does she become - wait for it - Sullen Cullen?

  11. Sullen Cullen! Ha ha! That's awesome, Donna.
    That Palin McCain pic is perfect.
    Well...I'm seeing it Sunday, but I promise not to tweet a pic of myself at the theater with the caption reading which team I'm on.

  12. I haven't read the books or seen the movies; only previews and hearing people always talking about them. But yes, I believe the fans take it a little too far. I like and appreciate stars I like but never to that extent! Geez! Anyway, I might read the first book just to see what it is all about, but I really am not so interested. But in my opinion, I think the best vampires are like the orginal ones, like Bram Stoker's "Dracula". By the way, I really like the Palin pic, and that would have been a more interesting triangle, indeed!

  13. Okie-dokie. This is funny but I still love the books. The movies well...I watch them on DVD. Wouldn't sleep over in a parking lot and wouldn't stand in line to watch them.

  14. Watched the first half of the first DVD and went back to editing my own dream. I have not read the TL books. The End. :D

  15. I went to the theatre tonight to see something different and there was a whole slew of tween females lined up waiting for this movie. Ugh. The fact that it's called the Twilight Saga is a good indication of the sullenness of it all.

  16. I know a lot of people say that if Twilight can become famous, anything can but it really makes me glad I didn't.

  17. I was looking for pictures for my blog post about Kristin Stewart's singular facial expression, even in the face of losing her true love because she cheated with her married director and I found your post. I'm laughing so hard, you have no idea!

    I cannot stand Twilight. It is so banal...and I've seen 40-year old women lose their shit over these movies! It's ridiculous.
    And you're right, the character of Bella, from what I understand, is a hopeless girl who can't do a damn thing for herself. I have never watched any of the movies. I tried once, it made my brain itch.

    Oh and did you know that 50 Shades of Grey was inspired by this fucking piece of crap book trilogy? Those books have to go, too.

    And as to your question of why Stephanie Meyer made Bella so dependent and clingy? She's Mormon. That's how women in that religion are raised. They are taught they cannot even get into Heaven without their husband's OK. WTF?

    And I do like a good vampire story -- operative word here is "good". But sparkly, brooding panty-waist vamps??? Not my style. I tell everyone I hear talk about Twilight to god read Anne Rice's novels. She wrote about REAL vampires, not the damn sissy glittery ones in Twilight. LOL

  18. Hi, Shan! Fortunately I check my comments... I don't usually expect comments on older blogs...

    Yes, the 50 Shades... anything that starts out as fanfic deserves to be ridiculed if it ends up being published, particularly Twilight fanfic. Add to that I've heard it's badly written, and the really skewed power balance in a relationship based on one sided sexual dominance and humiliation... that thing just isn't sexy.


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