A Day in The Life Of A Cat

And so it is the cat's time to have her say. Your Grace? The floor is yours. Along with everything else...

7:19 AM. Waking up. Dreamed of being in a vast field of catnip. Pure heaven. Why can’t dreams like that come true?

7:21 AM. Sitting on the back of the couch, staring out at the lawn, taking in the breadth of my domain. Those flying lunches are picking around at the grass. Ah, if only the door were open. I would be stalking you right this very minute.

7:28 AM. The staff comes down the stairs. Well, it’s about time, staff. I see you’re presentable for the work day. But first you must feed me breakfast. To be followed, I suppose, by your eating your own breakfast, but priorities first! Which means my breakfast.

7:30 AM. The staff has put down a bowl of tuna, with a side bowl of milk, and despite the many times I have personally pointed this out, a bowl of those field rations. Staff? Kibbles are what we feed dogs. Do I look like a dog to you? Of course not. Dogs slobber all over the place and knock things off coffee tables accidentally with their wagging tails. I am a cat. We push things off the coffee table deliberately.

7:31 AM. I have settled into eating my breakfast with peaceful contentment. I will leave those field rations aside as a back-up in case I get hungry later in the day and the staff is not home yet.

7:34 AM. Watching the staff with precision and purpose while she eats breakfast. No real reason why, just making her think there’s some reason I’m doing this when it’s nothing more than playing around with her head.

7:46 AM. Delivering a head bonk to the legs of the staff while she’s on her way out. You won’t catch me trapped outside for hours on end today, staff. I prefer the indoors, with some outdoor access. It would be nice if you left the door ajar for me to come and go as I please, but as the old song goes, we can’t always get what we want, right?

7:47 AM. Sitting on the windowsill watching the staff drive out onto the road. Okay, so....  a few hours to myself. Just how much trouble can I get into today?

7:53 AM. Looking out onto the lawn, brooding. Somewhere in the distance I can hear the barking from that annoying mutt down the road. Probably chasing his own tail again.

8:06 AM. Musing on the meaning of life. Is the universe is a ball of string theory valid?

8:18 AM. Sitting on a windowsill at the back at the house. Gazing out over my lawn. Movement at the treeline. Hmmm, what’s that?

8:19 AM. The movement makes itself clear as the intruder emerges. It’s that foul mutt. I deliver the icy cold glare of contempt and derision. Leave now, or face my eternal wrath.

8:20 AM. Despite my expectations that he’d walk up to the house wagging that tail of his, the dog withdraws back into the woods. Good riddance.

8:37 AM. Launching an assault on the scratching post. Doing so releases some of the dormant catnip in the carpet on it. This, of course, unleashes a catnip frenzy in me. Before losing temporary control of my senses, I must say, I cannot be held responsible for what happens next.

8:54 AM. Lying on the floor. Coming down from that catnip frenzy. I have succeeded in knocking over the scratching post. I am now slightly knackered. I think a nap would be called for at this particular moment. Yes, a nap would do quite nicely indeed.

12:07 PM. Waking up from my nap. Big stretch. Post catnip frenzy naps do seem to be long naps, but hey, like I always say, you can never have too many naps.

12:09 PM. Despite my reservations, I help myself to some of those field rations.

4:02 PM. Too early for the staff to be home yet. Another hour or so. Unless something happened like a fire alarm going off requiring the evacuation of her building and an early return home. Or, on the other hand, a flood that I was completely unaware of washing out the only bridge between here and town which would mean it might be days before she gets home, in which case I will be quite displeased.

5:17 PM. The staff walks in the front door. I deliver a head bonk to the leg as a means of greeting her. Well, there you are, staff. I was beginning to think you’d never get home. Now then, I have been all by myself all day, and I am long overdue for being spoiled.

5:20 PM. The staff readjusts the fallen scratching post. Yes, well, it’s a lot easier for a cat in a catnip frenzy to knock that over than it is for a cat who’s come down from one to set it back upright. Besides, that’s what you’re here for.

5:49 PM. In the kitchen supervising the staff. Looks like she’s getting dinner ready. I approve of this.

6:38 PM. Dinner time. The staff has made lasagna for herself. Since pasta’s not that good for me, she has given me a plate of ground beef. This pleases me greatly. I don’t get what humans see in garlic or onion anyway.

7:03 PM. Supervising the staff while she does the dishes. I’d help, staff, really I would, but I lack the opposable thumbs to hold dishes, and I don’t like putting my paws into hot water anyway. Or cold water for that matter. Let’s just say that my paws and any water don’t really mix that well and leave it at that.

8:11 PM. The staff is reading in the living room. I choose this moment to break out into the beginning of a sprint through the entire house at breakneck speed.

8:14 PM. Have returned to the living room after four complete circuits of the house, including the basement. The staff looks at me like I’ve lost my mind. My mind is perfectly sound, staff, I assure you. 

11:35 PM. The staff is off to bed. Very well, staff. I will stay down here for now, but do keep the door open. I like being able to walk all over you at four in the morning, and that’s hard to do if you’ve closed the door on me.

A Day In The Life Of A Dog

It is time again for the point of view of the dog and the cat. As always, the dog comes first. Beware the wagging tail.

7:23 AM. Waking up at home. Dreamed of chasing my own tail, and nearly catching it. Better luck next time, Loki, better luck next time...

7:26 AM. Looking out the window, gazing out at the lawn. There’s no sign of that infernal squirrel, but that doesn’t mean he’s not around, plotting like all squirrels do, scheming to take over the world. But that’s the purpose we dogs serve in the world: to thwart the rise of the Squirrel Cabal. That, and wagging our tails.

7:28 AM. The human comes downstairs. Hello, human! Top of the morning to you. Isn’t it a fine day? Say, have you given any thought to breakfast? Because, and this is for the record, I’m feeling kind of peckish right about now.

7:31 AM. Wolfing down a big bowl of kibbles. Yum yum yum!

7:34 AM. Out the door for a run. See you later, human! 

7:42 AM. Running through the back fields, barking with glee.

8:05 AM. Stopping by to see Spike the Magnificent, Tormentor of Squirrels. Hello, Spike!

8:06 AM. Spike and I confer on the movements of the enemy. He says he spotted two of the squirrels last night when he was in the house. His humans wouldn’t let him out to go on the warpath. Well, Spike, sometimes humans can be really odd.

8:12 AM. Spike and I agree to keep each other up to date if the enemy should be up to no good. Well, I’d better get back. You never know when a human’s going to need some serious canine supervision, after all.

8:19 AM. Passing by the house where that cranky cat lives. Pausing at the tree line. Gazing up at the house. Hmmm, there she is glaring at me.

8:20 AM. Discretion being the better part of valour, I think I’d better just leave well enough alone and not irritate the cat.

8:29 AM. Returning home. Barking to alert the human to my presence.

8:31 AM. Back inside. I’ll have you know, human, that I was on my very best behaviour. No teasing cats, no splashing about in creeks. Yes, perfectly well behaved, and if you don’t believe that, may lightning strike the mailman.

8:53 AM. Turning around three times on the living room floor and settling down. A nap is in order, if I must say. Just as long as I wake up in time to mooch something or another. Such as lunch. Lunch is such a good meal, after all...

11:35 AM. Waking up from my nap. Slept exceedingly well. And from the time on the clock, I see I have enough time before lunch to begin preparing my mooching face, sad eyes and all. It works every single time.

12:12 PM. I have successfully managed to mooch a cheese sandwich from the human. Yum yum yum!

1:25 PM. Barking up a storm at the mailman as he arrives at our mailbox in that car of his. Yeah, if you weren’t driving, I’d be chomping down on that leg inside of three seconds.

1:26 PM. Barking some more as that evil mailman drives away. And don’t come back, you hear me? Don’t come back!

2:51 PM. I am supervising the human while she’s out doing some work around the barn. Humans do need regular supervision, after all.

3:17 PM. The human is having tea. I am wolfing down the cookie I have so expertly mooched from her. Oatmeal is a tasty cookie.

4:29 PM. Looking outside from the couch. That obnoxious squirrel is on my lawn. 

4:30 PM. Sprinting out the front door at full speed, barking my head off. The squirrel is dashing for a nearby tree. Oh, no.... too much space, too little time.... and the little annoying bastard is up the trunk. Damn you! Did you hear me? Damn you!

4:53 PM. Back inside after spending twenty odd minutes circling around that tree and getting heckled by that vile squirrel. I hate squirrels. I hate them.

5:49 PM. The human is busy making dinner. Is that the smell of pork chops I detect?

6:26 PM. Chunks of pork chop all for me. Very tasty. I don’t know why the human’s having salad with hers, but humans can be very strange at times.

11:35 PM. The human is off to bed. Well, sleep well, human. I will stay down here and keep guard of the house. If that vile squirrel turns up on the windowsill at four in the morning, I assure you, I will bark up a storm that will wake the dead.