Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Thursday, December 22, 2016

Rogue Rebels And The Heavy Breather


“Be careful not to choke on your aspirations, Director.” ~ Darth Vader

“The power that we are dealing with here is immeasurable.” ~ Orson Krennic

“The captain says you’re a friend. I will not kill you.” ~ K-2SO

“Our rebellion is all that remains to push back the Empire. We think you may be able to help us.” ~ Mon Mothma

“They call it the Death Star. There’s no better name. And the day’s coming soon, when it will be unleashed.” ~ Galen Erso

“Take hold of this moment. The Force is strong.” ~ Chirrut Imwe

“I’ve been recruiting for the rebellion for a long time.” ~ Cassian Andor

“The world is coming undone. Imperial flags reign across the galaxy.” ~ Saw Gerrera

 “We have hope. Rebellions are built on hope!” ~ Jyn Erso


When the Disney studios got their hands on Lucasfilm and the Star Wars franchise, the decision was made not only to continue to make more films, hence the release a year ago of The Force Awakens, but also some tie-in self contained stories set in that universe, basically an anthology of tales firmly set in the galaxy of Imperial forces and courageous rebels. Rogue One is the first of those stories, set shortly before the events of the 1977 original film, featuring a small band of rebels racing to retrieve the plans for the Empire’s ultimate weapon.


As a prelude, scientist Galen Erso (Mads Mikkelsen) is taken by force from his family by Orson Krennic (Ben Mendelsohn), an Imperial weapons designer who wants him to return to work on a secret project. His wife is killed during the raid, and their daughter Jyn is taken to safety by a rebel, Saw Gerrera (Forest Whitaker). Years later, Jyn (Felicity Jones) is freed from Imperial captivity by rebels and brought in on a mission after word has been smuggled out from her father on what the Empire has in store. The small band of misfits now find themselves racing to thwart a doomsday weapon most film audiences are quite familiar with: the Death Star.


The concept for this goes back long before the Disney-Lucasfilm deal, this notion of telling self contained stories firmly within the universe as established by George Lucas. John Knoll, a visual effects supervisor for the prequel trilogy, was pitching the idea for some time, and did so again after the deal. The studio decided to go ahead with the idea of these self contained tales, alongside the new trilogy being unfolded at present. Knoll and writer Gary Whitta had a hand in the story process at one point or another, with the screenplay being finished and polished by Tony Gilroy and Chris Weitz. The story is at heart a dark one, a war epic with a very clear line between good and evil. Beyond that, the story mixes in dark humour (particularly from the resident droid), and a sense of impending tragedy- we know things can’t end well for these people. While a good number of the characters are new, some familiar faces appear- Mon Mothma and Bail Organa have both appeared previously in Star Wars lore, and their appearances here are welcome.


Gareth Edwards was brought in as director, which was a good touch. He had recently done the Godzilla reboot in 2014, and his style for an epic, sprawling action tale transfers well over here- with more looks at what we’re seeing, as opposed to the glances and cutaways and darkly lit set pieces of a good part of that film. The production style he employed in filming this rings true to the style of the original Star Wars- the sets, costumes, props, and visual effects don’t seem out of place with that film, given that this movie so closely leads into that one. There are some visual surprises along the way- body doubles mixed with digital effects bring in the late Peter Cushing’s Tarkin as well as a young Carrie Fisher as Leia, and that comes across seamlessly. And in keeping with Star Wars tradition, the visual effects are part of introducing us to strange new worlds, as well as some familiar ones- filming in the Maldives, for example, gave us a watery atoll setting that’s strangely beautiful, before things go terribly wrong, and perhaps evoke thoughts of the Second World War in the Pacific theatre.


Edwards keeps the movie flowing, never slowing down, but steadily driving up tension as he goes along. There’s an underlying sense of dread and urgency as things go along, and the director’s visual style plays to that. He films battle sequences- on planets and in the stars- with a ferocious intensity fitting the genre- this feels like a war film. The movie also marks the first time that a Star Wars film does not have the musical work of John Williams. Michael Giacchino, who’s been doing a whole lot of work in recent years, including the Star Trek films, comes on board as composer, giving a darkly moody score that does incorporate Williams’ themes here and there as needed.


The cast is international in scope, and that plays off well. Ben Mendelsohn is the primary villain of the piece, Orson Krennic, an ambitious, contemptuous, and ruthless Imperial officer and designer of weapons for the Empire. The Australian character actor has been in a lot of roles down through the years- the first time I ever saw him in anything was as a laid back mountain climber in Vertical Limit, but others might remember him as Bane’s corrupt corporate ally Daggett in The Dark Knight Rises. His character is a nasty piece of work, with a malevolent streak and little in the way of sympathy. Darth Vader appears as well, the ultimate villain at his most malicious. James Earl Jones reprises the voice of the Dark Lord, while the physical role is carried out by two actors- Spencer Wilding and Daniel Naprous. This might well be the last we ever see of Vader at his darkest on the big screen, and he’s a cruel, brutal pleasure to watch, chilling at the same time.


Alan Tudyk (Serenity) did the voice and motion capture for K-2SO, a droid that was once an Imperial enforcer, its memory erased. K is a whole lot less polite than C-3P0 ever was, and snarky in his own way, so there are times he steals the scenes. Riz Ahmed gets an interesting role as Bodhi Rook, an Imperial pilot who chooses to defect to the Rebellion, and his place in the team requires the actor to step in two worlds and convey the sense of shifting allegiances. Jiang Wen plays a Rebel soldier and mercenary named Baze Malbus, tough and capable, and a friend to another Rebel. That character being Chirrut Imwe, played by actor Donnie Yen, a character who’s blind and yet in touch with the Force, something of a zen presence to the team.


Mads Mikkelsen is one of those character actors always compelling in whatever he does, and here he’s the father of the lead heroine, torn away from his family and forced into doing the bidding of evil. Mikkelsen brings a sense of regret and loss to his performance as Galen, as well as poignancy. Forest Whitaker is also a character actor who can make a role fascinating to watch, and he gets a lot to do as Saw Gerrera, a veteran of the Clone Wars that were such a strong component of the prequel trilogy. Gerrera is courageous and bold, and clearly a leader. Diego Luna shows up as Cassian Andor, a Rebel intelligence officer given responsibilities over the mission, including one that serves as a troublesome contingency measure. He’s a leader in his own right, brave and stoic as the film unfolds, weighed down by the responsibilities he faces.


Felicity Jones has the lead role as Jyn. She’s hardened by what life has had in store for her, cynical even, and yet not broken. All that she loved was torn away from her, and at the same time she’s come out of it as a survivor. She invests herself in the mission with a personal stake, and we sympathize with her, part because of way Jones carries herself in the role, but also because we’ve been a silent witness to what she’s lost. Jones makes the character compelling to watch, bold, brave, and poignant. It’s a one time role, but it’s a good one, and a worthy heroine for the Star Wars universe.


Rogue One is an entertaining addition to the Star Wars mythos, giving us new characters in a familiar universe of dark threats and the hope of a better day to come. It’s self contained, but ties strongly into what’s come before. It is ferocious and intense at times in its action sequences, and dark in its tone, but it works well, leaving the audience satisfied and wanting more of these self contained stories. Next up? A tale of a young smuggler with a talent for getting himself and his friends into trouble...

Wednesday, December 14, 2016

Santa Claus And The Russian Nukes


Director Plots Christmas Themed Movie; Reporters Horrified By Prospect

Los Angeles (AP) Reporters were summoned once more to the offices of Digital Domain this week, the personal playground and headquarters of Michael Bay, a filmmaker who offends the tastes of anyone with anything remotely resembling taste. Real reporters found themselves outnumbered by entertainment reporters, who were busy gushing over whatever sort of announcement might be coming from the man himself. This reporter, doomed by a spiteful editor who (editor: shut up! Don’t even get started with that nonsense! I hate you!)


This reporter, sent by an overly cranky overlord who might have gotten their start as an intern at Mount Doom (editor: what did I just tell you?) was among the ranks of the real reporters. Indeed, this reporter was condemned by that previously mentioned cranky overlord to take assignments like this for no other reason, aside from the fact that the cranky overlord hated him with a vengeance. And so there we all were, outnumbered by entertainment reporters, who at their best are very dimwitted, after all.  Everyone was assembled in the facility’s auditorium, where finally a spokeswoman came out onto the stage, where a full length mirror had been installed near the podium. She called for everyone’s attention, and the room quieted down. “Ladies and gentlemen, give a big welcome to the one, the only, the legend... Michael Bay!”

The entertainment reporters broke out into wild applause and cheering. The real reporters looked at their watches and rolled their eyes. The director came out on stage, looking as he usually does- dressed in jeans, a denim shirt, and sports jacket, his hair in its usual dishevelled manner, his face framed with three or four days of beard stubble. And of course the usual vacant eyes and big dumb grin (editor: stop insulting Michael Bay! I love his movies!).


He strode up to the podium, waving as he went, stopping before the mirror to admire himself, and winked at himself. Then he faced the crowd again. “Hello! How wonderful to see you! It’s great that you came to bask in the magnificence that is me!” This reporter rolled his eyes, hearing the collective sighs of other real reporters. Bay, oblivious to reality, continued. “You know, I’m a busy guy, with lots of film projects underway and lots of things to occupy my attention. But I got to thinking, and you know what I’ve never done? Something that’s appropriate for this time of year. A heart warming Christmas holiday classic. Something that will surely take its place as the greatest of all Christmas movies. And so, of course, having had thought of that, I knew I had to make one. Which is what we’re all here to talk about today.”

There was a collective intake of breath from the real reporters, dreading what was to come. A remake of A Christmas Story featuring little Ralphie wanting a nuclear bomb for Christmas? A new version of It’s A Wonderful Life with George Bailey trying to outwit the evil banker turned mad bomber Mr. Potter and save his home town? A desecration of the Nativity story? Meanwhile, the real reporters were already applauding. Bay was grinning like a mad man. Which, for all this reporter knew, he probably was.


Bay continued to speak. “I thought of an old classic film. Santa Claus Conquers The Martians. Now there are some people out there who think that’s a bad film. Well, you know what? I don’t care what they think. Now I’m not going to remake that. No thanks. I don’t want to touch that classic. But it got me thinking of others who Santa might end up in a fight with. And I decided to use a familiar adversary. So in my Christmas film... it’s going to be Santa Claus against... are you ready for this? Because it’s really really good. Santa Claus versus Mother Russia!”

The real reporters all rolled their eyes collectively; this reporter felt a headache coming along. The entertainment reporters broke out into more wild applause. Bay grinned like the demented idiot that he is. “Thank you! Thank you! You love the idea! How wonderful!”

“You’re making essentially a Cold War Christmas tale?” a Reuters correspondent asked.


“No, a hot war,” Bay claimed. “Think of it this way, because here’s the premise. A despotic Russian autocrat who looks exactly like Vladimir Putin launches nukes against the world just because he’s pissed off. Maybe it’s that he’s no more than five foot four and has to make up for it by staged photo ops with his shirt off. Maybe he was born pissed off and it just got worse from there. It doesn’t matter. What matters is that the only person in the world who can stop him is the big guy with the magic sleigh and reindeer capable of going tens of thousands of miles an hour. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, Santa Claus. He’s the hero the whole world needs.”

The real reporters were now shaking their heads at the very concept. Bay was  completely oblivious to their disdain. He kept carrying on. “And so without further ado, let me introduce you to the guy playing our St. Nick... and that’s appropriate given his name. My friend, my pal, the one, the only.... give it up for Nicolas Cage!”


The actor came out on stage, wearing a Santa suit, except for the fake beard, and drunkenly waving around a bottle of scotch. “Ho ho ho! Have you been good boys and girls this year? Santa Nicky knows if you’ve been bad or good, and I don’t want to put coal in the stockings of anyone who gives me a bad review!”

Cage stumbled over to join Bay, who seemed oblivious to the whole nearly falling over drunk thing the actor was doing. The director just kept talking. “And playing his wife, give it up for an actress I haven’t worked with before but was excited to get to work with this time. She’s a ravishing bombshell you all love, and she’s ideally cast in this role. Ladies and gentlemen, say hello to Pamela Anderson!”


The actress, if one wants to call her that, came out on stage. Never exactly known for her range in the acting department, Anderson was better known for plastic surgery enhanced looks, but a life of hard living has taken its toll on her- she’s not quite the vacant headed bombshell she once was. “Hey there!” she called out, striding over to the others. “Say, Nicky, how about you share some of the scotch?”

“Mine!” Cage snarled.

Bay was still oblivious. “For the next member of our cast, one of my favourite actors, and I know he’s one of yours. Playing the earnest State Department official and reluctant sidekick to the big man, here he is, the one, the only... Shia LaBeouf!”


LaBeouf came out on stage, waving. “Hello there! It is good that you have come to see Shia today! Shia is pleased!” He walked over to join his colleagues. Anderson was  busy eying the Scotch. Cage was busy clutching it close.

“And playing our big bad, while I must admit, I wanted to cast someone very short for the role, unfortunately Verne Troyer, who you might remember as Mini Me, isn’t available, what with telling me to go **** myself. And Tom Cruise is just too weird. So I went the other way. Mind you, I’ll be using digital effects to make him look half a foot shorter than he actually is. But this is a guy I’ve never worked with, and I’m sure he’ll be perfect as the Russian president. Even if he’s having problems ditching his British accent. Ladies and gentlemen, say hello to Jason Statham!”


The actor, known for tough guy roles and glaring at the camera, came out on stage, sneering at everyone. “Look, I’m only working for this ******* because I’m gettin’ paid twenty million bucks for the job, all right, guvnor?”

Cage looked confused. “Wait a minute, you’re paying him twenty million bucks? I’m only getting fifteen.”

“Shia is only getting ten!” LaBeouf protested.

“Hey! I’m just getting paid in vodka!” Anderson yelled.

Bay looked slightly flustered. “We’ll sort all that out later. Ladies and gentlemen, give this wonderful cast a big hand... you’ll be seeing them soon in Santapocalypse Now!”


The curtains closed on the director and his actors. The entertainment reporters were busy applauding. There was some racket from back stage, and Anderson screeching. “Give me that Scotch right now, Cage, or I’ll poke your eyes out!”

That was promptly followed by more noise, a shriek, and Cage yelling, “My face! My beautiful face!”

Bay came out from behind the curtains and looked out at everyone. “Say, I don’t mean to pry... but is there by chance a doctor among you? No? Okay. Um... well, would someone please call for an ambulance?”

This reporter sighed in dismay, and walked out with a couple of colleagues. A bottle of Scotch sounded like a good idea right about now, particularly with cranky editors back at the office... (editor: one more word out of you and they’ll never find your body)