A Day In The Life Of A Cat

It is time for the cat to have her say. Your Grace? The stage is yours.

7:11 AM. Waking up. Taking a big stretch and a yawn. Slept well. Dreamed of endless amounts of catnip.

7:14 AM. Looking outside. Assessing conditions. More snow overnight. Looks cold. Oh well, it’s not as if I have to be out in it today, right?

7:16 AM. Looking up at the ceiling. Wondering what’s taking my staff so long to get ready. Come on, staff, I have been awake for a full five minutes, and I can hear you moving around up there. I’m hungry already.

7:19 AM. Impatiently waiting. Sounds of the shower on upstairs. Would it be such a trial if the staff happened to set her alarm a half hour earlier so I wouldn’t be kept waiting?

7:31 AM. The staff finally comes downstairs. I greet her with head bonks to the legs. It’s about time, staff. I was about to head up there and meow at you. Now then, have you put any thought into my breakfast time?

7:32 AM. Pointing out to the staff my expectations for breakfast. I would prefer my plate of tuna slightly chilled, but of course since you didn’t wake up a half hour early, that’s not possible. I want a bowl of milk too. And would it kill you not to put out a bowl of field rations? You know I don’t care for that stuff.

7:34 AM. The staff puts down my breakfast. A bowl of milk, alongside a plate of chicken. And as usual, the staff persists in her belief that I want field rations, despite my pointing out many times that I don’t want it. I’ll just have to ignore that.

7:36 AM. Finished eating my breakfast. Setting aside the bowl of field rations. Leaving the staff to her breakfast. Heading off into the living room.

7:37 AM. Distant barking. That annoying dog from down the road. Just as long as he stays away from my property.

7:46 AM. The staff is on her way out the door for that work place she goes to. I bid her farewell and instruct her to bring back some catnip.

7:48 AM. Watching out the windows as the car drives off. Okay then, let’s see… how to spend the remainder of the day. Aside from naps. Naps are always a part of every good cat’s day. I am a ranking expert on the subject, after all.

8:39 AM. I have had enough of looking out the windows and watching the flying lunches having a meal at the feeders. I think it’s about time for a nap. I settle down by the fire, tuck a paw over my eyes… and let myself descend into nap time.

10:57 AM. Waking up from my nap. Slept well. That’ll do until my next nap. 

11:06 AM. Despite my reservations, I help myself to some of those field rations.

12:11 PM. Staring outside. Movement at the tree line. It’s not that despicable mutt, is it?

12:12 PM. Not the dog. It’s a big moose. And he’s strolling through the snow… right this way.

12:14 PM. The moose stops near the window and stares at me. I stare back. He stares some more. So of course I stare back. I’ll have you know that if I was outside right now, I would be stalking you.

12:16 PM. The moose takes his leave. As far as I’m concerned, that means I won the staring contest.

1:37 PM. Distant barking again. From the time of day, the mailman must be down the road, just like clockwork, setting off that idiot hound, just like clockwork. Has it ever occurred to dogs that letter carriers are just doing their job?

3:44 PM. Waking up from another nap. Looking at the clock. It’ll be, what? Another hour and a half before the staff gets home? 

5:26 PM. Greeting the staff when she opens up the door with a head bonk. Did you bring any catnip?

5:27 PM. The staff gives my back a stroke. Hey! Watch the cold hands, staff!

5:29 PM. Examining the shopping bags the staff has put down on the table. I see no apparent sign of catnip in these bags. Did you forget, staff? Is it too late for you to turn around and go back to town for some?

6:02 PM. Supervising the staff while she’s doing some cooking. I smell the welcome scent of meat.

6:36 PM. Dinner with the staff. She’s been kind enough to cut up some strips of beef for me. I don’t know why she has cauliflower with her meat. Who on earth would want to eat that anyway? 

11:28 PM. The staff is off to bed. Very well, staff. Good night. Sweet dreams. If you hear any maddened screeching coming from downstairs at four in the morning, it’s just me, having an epic stare down with a raccoon outside.

A Day In The Life Of A Dog

It is time again for the point of view of the dog and cat. As always, the dog has the first word.

7:09 AM. Waking up at home. Slept exceedingly well. Dreamed of chewing on a nice stewing bone.

7:12 AM. Looking outside at the pre-dawn. More snow fell in the night. Such a pleasant sight to see. I’ve got to get out there for awhile and run around in it, but priorities first, Loki. Breakfast is my highest priority, and for that I require the presence of my human.

7:16 AM. The human comes downstairs. Hello, human! Top of the morning to you! Say, are you feeling as hungry as I am? Because I’m hungry.

7:18 AM. Wagging my tail furiously while the human pours a big bowl of kibbles for me.

7:19 AM. Licking my chops after devouring breakfast. Boy, was that tasty!

7:22 AM. Beckoning the human to let me out for my morning run. She complies.

7:25 AM. Running through the back fields, barking my head off, as happy as I can be.

7:33 AM. Sniffing around in the woods. Nice and cold today. The kind of cold that makes you feel alive. And happy to be out in. And then happy to get back in and by the fireplace where you can warm up your belly.

7:37 AM. Running into something much larger than I am on the path in the woods. Well, hello, moose!

7:38 AM. It turns out a moose doesn’t have much of a sense of humour. Getting chased through the woods by the big fellow. Note to self: don’t bark at something that big.

7:40 AM. The moose appears to have broken off the pursuit and is satisfied that I won’t bark at him again. For future reference, only bark at a moose from behind the window.

8:03 AM. Arriving back home. Barking to alert the human to my presence.

8:04 AM. The human opens the door and intercepts me with the Towel of Torment before I can run inside and shake off the excess snow in the living room. I sigh, but put up with the application of the Towel. After all… she feeds me.

8:06 AM. The human is finished toweling me off, and I give her a nice wet nose touch to the hand. Cold, huh? Oh, by the way, did I mention the moose? I don’t think I made a good impression. Just in case you’re wondering later why that moose is staring into the windows. Not that something like that would happen, I’m just saying in case.

8:49 AM. I think it’s time for a nap. Sure, I’ve been awake less than two hours, but I had a busy morning already getting chased by a moose and running around in the snow and facing the Towel of Torment. I’d say I’ve earned it. Therefore, I circle around three times on the rug in the living room before settling down for a nap. Belly towards the fireplace, of course.

11:17 AM. Waking up from nap. Looking at clock. Oh, good, I didn’t oversleep. I can mooch at lunch.

12:08 PM. My patented sad eyes look at lunchtime pays off. The human gives me a dinner roll. Ham and cheese! Oh boy! Yum yum yum!

1:37 PM. Barking up a storm as the mailman drops off some mail. Get lost, vile fiend!

2:44 PM. Coming through the living room when I notice something out of place outside the front window. Hey, it’s that moose! And he’s staring right at me!

2:46 PM. The human, alerted by my barking, steps out on the front porch and gives the moose a carrot. The moose accepts it happily. Say, human, you never give me a carrot. Wait a minute, do I even like carrots?

2:48 PM. Watching the moose head off away from the house. The human comes back in after bidding the moose goodbye. Oh, sure, human, give him a carrot, but tell me this: can a moose wag his tail? I don’t think so!

4:11 PM. I have just mooched an oatmeal cookie from the human. Yum yum yum!

5:03 PM. Coming to make inquiries with the human. Have you put any thought into dinner?

6:36 PM. Dinner with the human. Sausages cut up for me. I approve of this, human, I really do…

8:50 PM. Lying on my side near the fireplace, warming my belly. Pondering the great mysteries of canine existence. Does the tail wag the dog?

11:41 PM. The human is off to bed. Very well, human. Good night. Sweet dreams and all that. I shall remain at my post, guarding the domain against all threats, real or imagined. After all, you never know if this is the night the mailman decides to screw with our heads and deliver the mail at three in the morning.

The Darkest Hours And The Strongest Voice

“He mobilized the English language and sent it into battle.” ~ Lord Halifax

“You cannot reason with a tiger when your head is in his mouth.” ~ Winston Churchill

Director Joe Wright (Pride and Prejudice, Atonement) returns to the big screen with Darkest Hour, a film that hit theatres at the Christmas break and has already gotten critical acclaim for its portrayal of Winston Churchill at one of the most trying times in British history. The prime minister, who has often been depicted in film and television, is the subject of this film that shows him at a low point for his country- and one of his finest hours as a leader: the dark days of the fall of France and his defiance in the face of the German threat.

The film opens in May 1940, with Britain and France as allies against Nazi Germany. There is anger in Parliament, as Neville Chamberlain (Ronald Pickup) is pressured to resign over his weakness and earlier capitulation to the Germans. Chamberlain finds himself in a position where the only replacement in his party the opposition will support is the cantankerous First Lord of the Admiralty, Winston Churchill (Gary Oldman), who has always stood firm that the Germans under Hitler could not be trusted. Supported (and occasionally lectured) by his wife Clementine (Kristin Scott Thomas), Churchill pushes on in the face of political intrigue among his colleagues and the pressures of war to face down the looming German threat.

The script, by Anthony McCarten, has a tight focus in its narrative, concentrating on the early days of the Second World War, starting with May 1940 and moving through to Churchill’s momentous speech of defiance later in the year. The story strongly focuses on the personalities- the Churchills, Chamberlain, the foreign secretary Lord Halifax, King George- and the politics that can be biting and savage even from within a party. It also squarely sets itself right in the era, playing off the historical events of the time as its backbone. The film’s narrative ends up acting as a good counter-balance to this year’s Dunkirk, which mines some of the same material from the point of view of the men on the beach.

Wright is a fine choice as director. He works exceedingly well with actors, something seen in his previous works, but also has a good eye for the finer details, something that we see here. There’s an authenticity to sets, to props, to the little things that make up the world of a film, and Wright and his crew pay attention to that. His style as a director is well suited to character studies, which this film pretty much is. He paces the story well, so much so that while it’s a political procedural, it never seems to lag or wander off. And he presents the political intrigues of a cabinet that’s not quite so united as the story goes along; at one point there was a crisis within the cabinet, and Wright’s story goes into that. Had history gone another way, we’re left to wonder how radically different things might have been.

The cast is brilliantly chosen. Lily James appears as Elizabeth Layton, Churchill’s secretary, who has to learn how to manage her grouchy boss and help him along in preparing for the speech that will change the course of the war. Ben Mendelsohn, who recently turned up as the Star Wars villain in Rogue One, gets a more sympathetic role as King George VI, struggling with his own issues and his duty to his country. Ronald Pickup gets a lot to do as Neville Chamberlain, the prime minister forced out of his job due to his own weaknesses and yet seeking his own ambitions. And Stephen Dillane, a character actor who’s appeared in a lot of film and television work, turns in a fine performance as Lord Halifax, the Foreign Secretary who harbours his own ambitions in the face of war.

Kristin Scott Thomas is sympathetic and strong as Clementine Churchill, wife of the prime minister. Her character has spent her life with the grouchy, fierce, but principled Winston, knows his moods and his heart, and is one of the few people who can call him out of a mood and can sooth the occasional doubt. The actress conveys the quiet strength and fortitude of the character, and has a believable sensibility in how she and Oldman relate in their characters.

Winston Churchill has been portrayed by many an actor in film and television in the decades since his death, in performances that have played on various aspects of his personality. Gary Oldman’s take on the role deserves the Oscar for Best Actor. He brings to life the cantankerous, ferocious, spitting in the face of danger aspect of the man in a tour de force performance that leaves you astonished. Oldman is one of those actors who completely vanishes into the role with effortless skill- this time quite literally, as the actor vanishes beneath padding and prosthetics to look quite unlike himself. And he conveys the conviction and iron will of the man in just the right way.

Darkest Hour is one of the year’s best films, and deserves to be honoured as such. While I still think Dunkirk is the best film of the year, this is a fine companion to it that merits an Oscar for its lead actor, a long overdue Oscar. It captures the tension and intrigue of a part of the Second World War when it seemed hope was lost. And then proceeds to find that hope in the spirit of a ferociously defiant man. This is a film you should see.

Spamming Spammers From The Outer Rim

Of course they never take a hint. They email us with outlandish Nigerian scam emails. They leave comments in blogs that automatically get kicked right into the spam folders, even in specific posts that call out internet spam. They seem oblivious to the fact that no one will reply to them, or publish their posts, or take the bait. Well, almost no one. Maybe one in a thousand will be dumb enough to bite. Yes, the internet scammers and spammers are never at rest. A bit of both can be found in the following comments, copied out of both of my blogs' spam comment section. They will tend to give you a massive headache trying to decipher, however.

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HOW TO GET YOUR DIVORCE EX HUSBAND & WIFE BACK URGENTLY.... I want to really use this medium to thank Dr.Otor for the wonders for helping me get my broken home back after my husband of 18 years left me for another lady. Two months ago my Husband filed for a divorce through his lawyer when we had no issues at all. i was surprised because our family was a very happy one with three beautiful kids that even neighbors were jealous of us. i never knew a girl he met at the mall cast a spell on him so he will love her alone and forget about his family. i tried all ways to reach him and make peace ordinarily but i could not because the potency of the spell was so high on him that he could not even get himself. a friend of mine who felt pity for me introduced me to Dr.Otor through his email so i contacted Dr.Otor and told him all about my marital problem. He assured me that he will help me and that my husband will be back to me in 24 hours, i trusted him because he

Much of that is typical of the spammers. Sentences that don't read as though they were written by someone who understands English. Comments that threaten to trigger headaches by how indecipherable they are. People who can't spell or phrase things in a proper fashion. Endless amounts of spam for things one will never need. Sentencing that comes across as much too formal (to hide the fact that the writer has no idea what they're really saying). Things that have no point or are completely off topic- yes, the Pevensie kids were adorable in the Narnia films, but those have been a few years back, and the actors have grown up, you know. 

And then there are the scams- the offer to hack into ATM machines definitely constitutes a crime, and that whole witch doctor line of nonsense is a scam I've often seen turn up as a comment on a Facebook news article. There is no Doctor Otor, spamming spammer, and you know it.

Nice try, kids, but your spam merely gets turfed where it belongs: into the oblivion that is the spam folder, doomed to never see the light of day. Now go run off and annoy someone else, or we'll send a demon from the ancient world after you. Balrogs are always cranky this time of year.