Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Monday, January 27, 2020

A Day In The Life Of A Dog

7:02 AM. Waking up at home. Dreamed of chasing a squirrel through an endless meadow… and just when I caught up to him, I woke up.

I hate those dreams.

7:08 AM. Staring outside through the front window. Snow falling. Looks like we could get a lot of it today. Well, that’s good. Though it probably means I’ll have to curtail an extensive run for the day. Maybe I’ll get lucky and the mailman will be buried by an avalanche.

7:10 AM. Watching the Weather Network. They’re predicting fifty to seventy centimeters for the day of the white stuff. That’s a lot. Fortunately they don’t have that paranoid nutjob on the air anymore, because he’d be in full panic mode right about now, screaming about eating the dead and how the world’s coming to an end in a wall of white fluffy snow.

7:12 AM. The forecasters are talking about that Groundhog Day coming up in a few days. I don’t get it. Why do humans put any faith in the predictions of a rodent that’s probably pissed off at being woken up early?

7:15 AM. Waiting on the human to get downstairs. I’m feeling quite peckish, and unfortunately I lack the vital asset of opposable thumbs that are so handy in opening pantry doors.

7:19 AM. Thumping my tail against the floor when my human comes downstairs. Good morning, human! Say, have you seen all the snow falling outside? And have you given any thought at all to seeing about my breakfast? 

7:21 AM. Watching with anticipation as the human starts pouring me a big bowl of kibbles. Oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy…

7:22 AM. Licking my chops after devouring breakfast. A mere three seconds off my all time fastest consumption of breakfast. Not bad, if you ask me, and you are asking me.

7:26 AM. Inquiring with the human as to if she’ll let me out for my run. She opens the door and I sprint out for freedom. See you later, human!

7:31 AM. Barking my head off, plowing through fresh powder, as happy as I can be. Life is good!

7:37 AM. Rolling around in the snow. Getting it all packed into my fur. I must look like the abominable snow-dog.

7:45 AM. Okay, I think that’s enough running about for me for one day. Time to get back home, maybe think about a nap. Even if I’ve only been awake for less than an hour.

7:58 AM. Barking at the back door for the human to let me in. Human! It is I! Loki, Annoyer of Mailmen and Chewer of Slippers! Let me in!

7:59 AM. The human opens the door but blocks my way before I can run past her. She informs me that she’ll have to dry off my fur. Oh, come on, human! Not the Towel of Torment.

8:01 AM. Being subjected to the Towel of Torment by the human. I don’t know why she does this. As far as I’m concerned the best way to dry off after a ramble about in the snow is to lie by the fireplace and dry off naturally. There is no such thing as wet dog smell.

8:04 AM. The human finally lets me back into the house after she’s deemed me dry enough. I head to the living room, circle around three times in front of the fireplace, and promptly lie down on the floor.

9:29 AM. Waking up from a nap. The human has the television on. They’re talking about a state of emergency in this part of the province and encouraging people to stay indoors. Well, that’s what you get when a proper blizzard comes and pays you a visit. 

10:08 AM. The human is having a cup of tea. I’m having an oatmeal cookie she’s given me. Yum yum yum!

10:39 AM. Watching the human through the window restocking the bird feeders. Well, the birds will appreciate that. Of course it might bring out a squirrel or two, in which case I’ll feel obliged to bark my head off.

12:23 PM. The human is having lunch. I’ve used my mooching technique of sad eyes to get her to give me a sandwich. Ham and cheese suits me nicely.

12:51 PM. Watching a snow plow going by slowly out on the road. I wonder if this means that accursed mailman will be able to make his rounds today.

2:10 PM. Well, if the mailman is out there, he’s running seriously late. And I’m feeling like a nap, so I’m done with my vigil for the day.

5:46 PM. The human is heading over to the kitchen. And at this time of day, that usually means she’s getting ready for dinner. A meal I approve of. It’s my favourite meal of the day in a four way tie with breakfast, lunch, and snacks.

6:27 PM. Dinner with the human. She’s kept it simple with bacon and apple pancakes. Which of course I like.

8:31 PM. Lying in the living room, pondering the great mysteries of life. Is it true that the dog wags the tail, or does the tail wag the dog?

11:24 PM. The human is off to bed. Good night, human! Sleep well! Don’t worry, I’ll guard the house against any intrusion by squirrels. Can’t trust those bastards for so much as a minute if you ask me, and you are asking me. So I’ll keep a close eye out. In between naps.


Comments and opinions always welcome. If you're a spammer, your messages aren't going to last long here, even if they do make it past the spam filters. Keep it up with the spam, and I'll send Dick Cheney after you.