Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Monday, December 2, 2019

Hurtling Towards The Brexit Disaster

Snap Election Campaign Continues, Prime Minister Johnson Keeps Up Buffoonery

London (Reuters) There is an old saying: may you live in interesting times. It can be said to be both a blessing and a curse, and such is the case these days. With Brexit perpetually delayed and an election campaign underway in Britain after Prime Minister Boris Johnson lost a confidence vote, interesting days are an understatement in Her Majesty’s Not So United Kingdom at the moment.

There are those who say Brexit never needed to happen in the first place, that the citizens of the country didn’t really understand the consequences of the referendum when the vote to leave the European Union happened. Then there are those who instigated the referendum in the first place, people such as Johnson, who weaseled his way into the Prime Minister’s post after going out of his way to sabotage his predecessor, Theresa May. And then there are the others, such as Nigel Farage, leader of the right wing Brexit Party, who was part of the initiative to drive the UK out of the EU. Caught out on the campaign trail, Farage was his usual creepy used car salesman self. “**** the European Union, I say! Yes, you heard me say it. **** the European ****ing Union!”

It’s been said in the cinema: some men just want to watch the world burn. When Farage was asked if this applied to him, he smiled. “Oh, yes, I love fire. Probably a little too much, and don’t quote me on that. Wait, did I say that out loud?”

Jeremy Corbyn, the left leaning Labour leader, hopes to make gains in the House of Commons in the snap election. “People are tired of the pratfalls and the face palm moments from the current prime minister,” he told reporters on a campaign stop at a retirement home in Yorkshire, where senior citizens were more interested in watching Coronation Street than shaking hands with a politician. “They’re tired of the unfeeling, vindictive tactics of the Tories. So it’s time for the unfeeling, vindictive tactics of the Labour Party. Wait, did I say that out loud?”

Johnson himself, the accident prone moronic politician who never saw a photo op he didn’t love, is in the political fight of his life, months after assuming the prime minister’s post. The goofball with the weird hair who seems perpetually out of his depth in the job, and is now the third prime minister to have to deal with the consequences of Brexit- something that he was behind at the time. Such a task would try the skills of even the brightest and gifted leader.

Boris Johnson is not bright and gifted.

“Ladies and gentlemen,” Johnson told the press while on the campaign trail at a conference centre in London. “It is in our hands, the great decision. We can move forward with leaving Europe once and for all, and strike out on our own. Or we can remain in this quagmire of decisiveness. What I’m asking everyone to do is to trust me. After all, I’m really qualified for this job.”

“If you’re so qualified, how is it you don’t know to use the word decisiveness in the proper context?” one reporter asked. “Because logically speaking, you should have said indecision instead.”

“I did say indecision,” Johnson insisted.

“No, you didn’t,” the reporter countered.

“I did so!” Johnson blustered, seeming frustrated.

“We have it recorded, Prime Minister,” another reporter said.

“I did so! You’re all out to get me! Well, I won’t have it. I’m just going to get back out on the street and keep shaking hands and talking to voters. They get me!” Johnson turned, walking away from the reporters, and tripped on a loose shoelace. He proceeded to tumble head first down a staircase, howling at every impact. Finally hitting the bottom, he was heard to moan and groan, and to call out, “Um, a little help?”

Many in the Conservative party are frustrated with Johnson, feeling that the grandstanding prime minister has led them into disaster, seeking other voices to come in and pull the party and the country away from the madness of Brexit. “This should have never been brought forward in a referendum,” a Tory MP, wishing to remain anonymous, confided. “That clumsy jackass was one of the instigators of all this, and now he’s at Ten Downing. As a country, we have to get behind an alternative. Someone who’s a natural leader. The damned shame is we had one. A thoughtful and articulate former cabinet secretary who got screwed over not once, but twice. Best man for the job, if you ask me. But he won’t take it.”

That former cabinet minister has retired to his country estate in Devonshire, where he’s been writing his memoirs. It has been said by some of his supporters that he intends to bide his time until after the next election, should disaster strike the Tory party, before launching a bid for the leadership and to overthrow Johnson. He certainly has every reason to want to get even with Johnson, who conspired to get rid of him twice. And yet he retains his dignity, his sense of grace and calmness under pressure, and his articulate, thoughtful ways of getting his point across. Reporters approached him at home, finding the short of stature redheaded Muppet looking his usual self.

“Meep! Meep meep meep meep!”


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