Rampage Of A Mad Scientist

Mad Scientist Holds Allegorical Figure Hostage, Makes Demands

Toronto (CP) It has been two weeks since the escape from prison of the mad scientist Magnus von Malice from an Austrian prison. Two weeks in which rumour and conjecture about his whereabouts rushed around the world. Two weeks in cryptic brief podcasts claiming the world would soon belong to him. Claims of having had constructed a death ray he would use on the first person who heckled him. Law enforcement agencies across the world have been on the lookout for the convicted supervillain. As seems to fit the madman, he turned up in the most unlikely of places this week.

What could have drawn von Malice to a suburban mall? A shopping run for groceries? Funding the next stage of his schemes by robbing a jewelry store? Buying the latest iphone? Whatever the reason, the mad scientist turned up at a mall in the suburbs of Toronto this week, was confronted by mall security, and things got progressively weirder from there.

Von Malice turned what might have been an unpleasant confrontation into a hostage taking, grabbing the nearest convenient human shield. It was Fred Argyle, the mall’s Santa Claus, who just happened to be passing by when it all happened. Von Malice wrapped an arm around Argyle’s throat, according to witnesses, aimed a futuristic looking gun at his head, and started making demands.

“One hundred trillion dollars in gold plated latinum, or I kill Santa!” he started. An onlooker called out, informing the mad scientist that latinum was a science fiction mineral, and not a real one. “Shut up!” he replied.

The police were called in. Mall security kept people back, including children traumatized at the sight of who they assumed was Santa being held at gunpoint. Argyle himself was a nervous wreck. “Please, I’m just a mall Santa. I’m not the real thing. My name is Fred…”

“Shut up, fat man!” Von Malice warned.

“I’m not fat… it’s body padding,” Argyle tried to explain.

“What part of shut up do you not get?” Von Malice asked.

And so it went on. Mall security, not being paid enough for this sort of thing, waited on the arrival of the police. And among their number was a legend of the law enforcement community, off duty and in the city visiting family. He was already familiar to Von Malice- it was this very man who had foiled previous schemes by the megalomaniac super villain and who had put him behind bars.

It was the legendary and grumpy RCMP Inspector Lars Ulrich. Witnesses described him as looking typically irritated, which is his default setting in life. Ulrich emerged among the crowd of responding officers, glaring at Von Malice, clenching his hands into fists. Von Malice saw him, gasped, and began to rant, a ten minute monologue aimed at the very man responsible for his imprisonment. There were declarations of war, threats of using the ultimate weapon on Ulrich, and more demands, including that Starbucks keep their pumpkin spice latte on the menu all year.

“Are you done?” Ulrich asked when the mad scientist went silent for a moment.

“There is no such thing as done,” Von Malice said with a characteristic sneer. “Now are you going to get in my way? Because if you do, the fat man gets it, and millions of children will wake up on Christmas without a present.”

“I told you, I’m not Santa,” Argyle protested.

“Shut up!” Von Malice ordered.

Ulrich sighed, shook his head. “Look, Mags….”

“Magnus!” the villain countered, seeming to become more unhinged. “Magnus Von Malice! That is my name, and you will address me in the proper way. For I am the destined master of the world, the greatest mind this world has ever produced. And I will not be disrespected by you of all people! The very man who’s foiled my grand overtures at world domination. What use do I have for the Metallica drummer, after all?”

Witnesses to the confrontation reported that Ulrich seemed more irritated at those words. His voice went low, barely audible, but there nonetheless. “I am not that Lars Ulrich,” he told the mad scientist.

Von Malice seemed puzzled. “Are you sure?”

What happened next was a blur, according to witnesses. One moment von Malice was holding a hostage. The next he was being clobbered and falling across the corridor, deprived of his weapon (later confirmed to be a mock up). And the next after that, Ulrich was tossing him off a second story balcony into a cappuccino stand.

Von Malice was taken away by ambulance, under heavy police guard, heard to be ranting about leviathans in red serge. It was reported that he had sustained several broken ribs in his fall. Inspector Ulrich took his leave of the scene before entertainment reporters could show up and ask if Metallica was doing a Christmas album.

And Fred Argyle, having had endured time as a hostage, held at gunpoint by a gun that wasn’t actually operable, went back to his mall Santa gig, reassuring children that he was perfectly fine, and that no matter what he had said earlier, ‘Fred’ was just an alias Santa used every once in awhile when he wanted to go off to Vegas and didn’t want Mrs. Claus to know.

And so it was that a grouchy lawman saved Christmas. Or close enough, anyway. Though he might be more of the temperament to say ‘get the hell out of my face’ as opposed to ‘Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.’