Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Thursday, May 23, 2019

A Day In The Life Of A Cat

And now it is time for the cat to have her say. Show her the respect that a supreme life form deserves.

6:42 AM. Waking up at home. Slept well. Dreamed of vast fields of catnip.

6:45 AM. A look outside indicates that we’ll have a clear day. We’ve had more than our share of rain.

6:49 AM. Pondering whether or not to go up and yell at my staff to wake up. I decide to be generous and give her an extra ten minutes. She does have that work place to go to today, so it’s not as if she’d be sleeping until seven thirty anyway.

7:02 AM. Movement out on the lawn. Like a big rock, only it’s moving. A closer look indicates that it’s that grouchy snapping turtle that lives in the woods. Maximus The Terrible, as he likes to call himself. And it seems I’ve been noticed. He starts walking over my way.

7:05 AM. Maximus and I exchange pleasantries. Well, if you can call anything said by an ill tempered snapping turtle pleasantries. Fortunately there’s a window screen between us, and I know better than to annoy one of his species. I suggest that he might want to put the fear of Cat into that stupid dog from down the road. He says he’ll take it under advisement.

7:07 AM. Watching Maximus amble away across the lawn towards the woods. Well, it’s always nice to give someone a sense of purpose for their day. 

7:20 AM. Sitting on the back of the couch, gazing out at the vastness of my domain. I keep thinking there’s something I’m forgetting.

7:28 AM. Distant barking from that annoying mutt down the road. Has he ever heard of not barking?

7:38 AM. The staff comes scrambling down the stairs in a rush. Oh, that’s what I forgot. The staff was supposed to be awake by now. And I was supposed to be fed by now. That’s what talking to a snapping turtle will do to you. It totally makes you forget your priorities. Say, staff, have you given any thought to my breakfast? 

7:40 AM. The staff dashes out the door without so much as seeing to my breakfast. I watch her get into the car and bolt out the driveway. Yes, I get that you’re running late for work, but what about my breakfast? Does that not matter more?

7:42 AM. I have reconciled myself to the fact that the staff isn’t turning around because she’s suddenly remembered that she didn’t feed me. I’ll just have to fend for myself today and be quite cross with her when she gets back tonight.

7:47 AM. An examination of the kitchen determines that the only food out and about is in the form of field rations. In that bowl I didn’t touch yesterday. Because I have frequently told the staff, to no avail, that field rations are not welcome. What to do, what to do….

7:50 AM. After much internal debate, I have started eating some of the field rations. 

8:28 AM. Watching my back yard from a windowsill when I notice movement at the treeline. I tense up in case it’s that idiot hound.

8:30 AM. No, it’s not the hound. It’s Maximus, slowly making his way this way. Though I know they’re capable of going faster than his present pace.

8:34 AM. Maximus informs me that he chased the dog up a tree. No chance to bite the irritating mutt, huh? Oh well, just as well, I mean, who knows what kind of illness you could have contracted doing that. Well, thanks for making the effort anyway. It’s much appreciated. Anytime anyone makes his life difficult is a service to all of us, if you ask me.

9:10 AM. All in all, it’s already been a long morning, what with being deprived of my breakfast and dispatching a snapping turtle to scare the idiot hound. I think a good nap is in order right about now. Because as I always say, you can never have too many naps.

11:23 AM. Waking up from my nap. Taking a big stretch and yawning. Feeling hungry.

11:24 AM. Still half a bowl of field rations. Debating whether or not I should help myself or leave it until I’m on the verge of starvation. Which will probably take place at 3:28 this afternoon.

I can wait.

1:31 PM. Distant barking from down the road interrupts my nap. A glance at the clock confirms this is about the time of day when the mailman is in the area, and of course idiot hounds being the way they are, they have to bark at the mailman.

3:28 PM. Having had lasted as long as I can, I devour the rest of the field rations in the bowl. 

5:17 PM. Glaring at the staff as she comes in the front door, home from work. Was there something you forgot to do today?

5:19 PM. The staff is all apologetic about missing my breakfast, saying she set a speed record on the drive into town and just got into work on time. Yes, well, that doesn’t solve the issue of my missing the breakfast that I prefer. So you had better be in a position to start spoiling me rotten. Because I am quite annoyed with you right now.

6:30 PM. Having dinner with the staff. She has quite sensibly made bacon pancakes and has cut a couple up into nice kitty bite sized pieces for me. This I approve of, staff. 

8:44 PM. Sitting in the living room. Pondering the notion of waking up the staff an hour early tomorrow to make sure she doesn’t sleep through her alarm.

11:26 PM. The staff is off to bed. Be advised, staff, that I won’t be so careless in the morning as I was today in permitting you to sleep in. Expect a crack of dawn cat yodelling to stir you out of your deepest slumber. Just so you know.


  1. Love the cat who caught the mouse...LOL

  2. Oh, these were fun, William. And a snapping turtle, eh? That's interesting!

  3. I like kitty processing stupid. I wonder what field rations consist of.

    1. I'm sure many a toddler has tried eating those field rations, either of the doggie or cat kibble variety.


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