A Night In The Life Of A Cat

And so it is time to conclude this set of dog and cat perspectives with the fourth. Of course the cat must have the last word.

4:32 PM. Still out on the deck. Keeping an eye on those dark clouds to the west. Waiting on the staff to get home. Thoroughly displeased. I swear, staff, if it starts pouring and I get drenched, I will be quite annoyed with you for leaving me out all day. Scratch that, I’m already annoyed with you for leaving me out all day. That idiot dog wouldn’t have had a chance to splash me with water and mud if you’d just kept me indoors.

4:41 PM. Pacing back and forth, waiting, getting more irritable by the minute. She had better be bringing me catnip to make up for this ordeal of being stuck outside all day, I swear to Isis…

4:58 PM. Those dark clouds are getting closer. Calculating best possible speed to beneath the shed if the rain starts coming down.

5:03 PM. Okay, staff, you had better be on the way home right now. No stopping along the way to do this or that, because we both know you never keep track of the time when you get distracted. In fact, you had better be coming down the road right now, and about to turn into the driveway in ten, nine, eight…

5:04 PM. Okay, so maybe she’s just turning onto the road right about…. Now.

5:18 PM. The staff’s car finally pulls into the driveway. She gets out and sees me. I start meowing my outrage. It’s about time, staff, what took you? I’ve been waiting here for hours, and those clouds look like they could start a downpour at any second. Not to mention that there’s lightning happening. So let’s snap to it and get us both inside where I can yell at you some more.

5:19 PM. In the house. Pointing out to the staff in the most direct way that I do not approve of being locked out all day. You’re just lucky it hasn’t started raining, but might I point out to you that I was annoyed, splashed, and otherwise inconvenienced by that stupid dog from down the road this morning? 

5:22 PM. Lightning flashing outside. No rain yet, but that could start anytime. Staff? In case the power goes out, you might want to consider getting dinner started. At the very least open a new can of cat food, because I know you used the last one this morning, and you don’t have a manual can opener, so if the power goes out, I’m slightly screwed for a back-up dinner.

5:26 PM. Now it begins. Dry one minute, now it’s pouring dogs and cats. Or cats and dogs. However that expression goes. Not that it makes much sense. Dogs and cats do not pour out of the sky, rain pours out of the sky. And even if dogs or cats were pouring out of the sky, cats would have the good sense not to pour out of the sky beside dogs.

5:31 PM. Serious rain out there. Lightning flashing. It’s a safe bet that when the thunder booms, that idiotic mutt down the road will bolt for the deepest hidey-hole he can find in his house. He might be a big dog, but to use a phrase from Hagrid, he’s also a bloody coward.

5:39 PM. Lightning flashing again, followed by the first of the thunder to make itself known. Fortunately, I am of a calm disposition and can handle thunder. 

5:50 PM. Supervising the staff while she’s starting up dinner. A sound idea, staff. Now hopefully we don’t get a power outage before things are cooked.

6:12 PM. The human is having dinner. She’s made an omelette for herself. She’s been thoughtful enough to cut up a plate of sausage for me. Very good, staff, very good. Not that this makes up for you leaving me outside all day, mind you.

6:28 PM. A temporary lull in the storm outside. I’m more interested in the ice cream the staff has given me. Vanilla, of course, but hey, they say chocolate isn’t any good for a cat, and my staff’s taste in ice cream tends to lean towards vanilla anyway. What’s that expression? Every once in awhile someone comes in who wants butter pecan.

6:35 PM. The staff is doing the dishes. I’ll leave it to you, staff. I’d help, but first, my paws can’t really handle picking up dishes, and second, I don’t like getting my paws wet in anything, but certainly not soapy water. Wouldn’t it be easier to just lick the dishes clean?

6:52 PM. The staff has the Weather Network on. That deranged forecaster is back on. That’s the same guy who had a panic attack last winter and recommended cannibalism as the only means of survival. Has it occurred to anyone that letting this guy back on the air was a bad idea?

This time he’s going on about the storms passing through this area over the next few hours and making the suggestion that we sacrifice to Zeus.

6:54 PM. The deranged forecaster continues his on-air rant about a Zeuspocalypse and sacrificing your neighbours. Okay, pal, whatever. Someone needs to give you some sedatives. For the next fifty years. In the meantime, why aren’t the producers stopping this guy?

6:58 PM. The deranged forecaster is pulled off air by a producer. It’s about time. The anchor apologizes for his colleague’s remarks and promises it won’t happen again.

7:10 PM. Another boom of thunder. So much for the lull. We’re definitely in for more.

8:12 PM. The storm continues. The staff is reading a book on the couch. I am busy sitting looking out at the lightning. You know, staff, this may not happen. I mean, sure, the power might go off, but it might stay on through all of this. I’m just saying that just in case, it might not be that bad an idea for you to have a flashlight beside you. Because if it does go off, you’re going to go wandering through the dark for one, and I can’t guarantee I won’t be in a position to trip you.

10:34 PM. More thunder rolling outside. I’m taking it all in stride. The staff asks when it’s all going to end. If I knew that, staff, I might be inclined to tell you. Of course I would say it in meows. I would never lower myself to speak English.

11:25 PM. The staff bids good night to me. I meow a farewell. Sleep as well as you can, staff. As for myself, I can only say that while thunder doesn’t particularly bother me, it is still noisy enough for me to not really fall asleep to. But that’s okay. It just means I’ll catch up on my sleep in the morning.

12:04 AM. The house is dark. Aside from regular flashes of lightning outside. Followed by the roar of thunder. I wonder if that deranged forecaster is presently locked up somewhere with padded walls.

1:55 AM. The storm seems to be slackening off. Not as much thunder and lightning. That might just mean we’re in for a lull before the next round, or maybe that’s it for the night. Only time will tell.

2:35 AM. Okay, so there hasn’t been any thunder for the better part of a half hour now. Maybe it’s done. Just in case, I’ll make a point of staying awake a little while longer. There’s nothing quite as annoying as being woken up out of a sound sleep, whether the cause of that awakening is the roar of thunder or the presence of a demented idiot mutt.

3:48 AM. I have decided that enough is enough, that the storm is indeed done and over with and that it is therefore time for bed. Now then, I may have problems waking up in the morning for breakfast, but… wait a minute, that’s just silly.

I never have problems waking up for breakfast.