Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Monday, April 10, 2017

A Day In The Life Of A Dog

It is time once again for the point of view of the dog and the cat, and as always I start with the hound...

7:03 AM. Waking up at home. For once, I didn’t sleep that well. Strange dreams. Dreamed of being chased by a giant squirrel. I wonder what that means.

7:06 AM. Staring out window. Rain falling. It’s doing even more of a number to the remaining snow. This could be problematic. Yes, of course, the human will let me out for my run, but I’ll be out there, I’ll no doubt get rather drenched, and she will thus subject me to the trials of the Towel of Torment. Unless I can find a way to rush in past her. Well, we’ll figure that out as we go along.

7:12 AM. The human comes downstairs. Well, hello, human! Have you seen all the rain out there yet? Are we all stocked up in case the road gets washed out? Because you know what I’m like when I run out of dog kibbles. Speaking of dog kibbles, how about some breakfast?

7:16 AM. The human has provided me with a big bowl of kibbles. I am in the process of devouring the whole lot, but suspect I’ll fall short of my all time fastest breakfast eaten record.

7:17 AM. Yes, at forty three seconds, by my count, I’m a good eighteen seconds shy of breaking my quickest time to eat a breakfast record. Oh well, better luck tomorrow.

7:19 AM. Say, human, how about you open the back door so I can go out and have a run? The exercise will do me some good.

7:20 AM. Out the door and running around the back yard. Barking my head off. Feels good to be out and about, even if it is raining.

7:23 AM. Dashing among the back fields, splashing around in the puddles. Woof woof woof!

7:32 AM. Pausing in my steps. I have just detected movement up ahead on the path. It’s that infernal squirrel. And he hasn’t seen me! Okay, Loki, calm down, don’t start barking, we’ve got the opportunity of a lifetime right here. Don’t blow it...

7:33 AM. Stalking forward, ever silent, closing in on my quarry, five metres closer. Just three more seconds... and... oh crap! He’s turned and seen me! Now it’s a footrace! The squirrel’s sprinting for a nearby tree! I break out into a run, barking my head off! So close! So close........ blast! He’s made it up the tree. Curse my inability to climb trees!

7:34 AM. Circling around the tree, barking furiously. The squirrel’s staring down at me, laughing his squirrel head off. Oh, sure, you think it’s funny now, but just wait! One day your luck is going to run out. It nearly ran out here just now. 

7:39 AM. Continuing to pace around the tree. The irritating squirrel is still up there, chattering away at me in that infernal way squirrels speak. Whatever you say, squirrel, but don’t forget- the day will come when I will end you.

7:42 AM. Taking my leave of the scene. Frustrated beyond belief. Two seconds, all I needed were two seconds more to close in on him, and he would have been mine. Do you know what that does to a dog? Two seconds? I feel like Apollo Creed after he lost the belt to Rocky. Two seconds!

7:55 AM. Heading for home. Feeling quite thoroughly drenched. I wonder if the human’s had her breakfast yet. Because if she hasn’t, I might have a chance to mooch something.

8:02 AM. Arriving at home. Barking to let the human know I’m present and accounted for.

8:03 AM. The human opens the door. I sprint in past her, hearing her call out, and make it to the living room, giving myself a good shake to get the excess dampness out of my fur. I turn around and see the human glaring at me. What?

8:04 AM. The human is tut-tutting me with disapproval over shaking all that water out of my fur, and now applying the Towel of Torment to me. Come on, human! The moisture will dry up sooner or later, you know...

8:05 AM. Wagging my tail to disarm the human’s annoyance with me. She smiles regardless.  Works every time.

8:25 AM. Circling around three times on the carpet by the fireplace as preparations to settle down for a nap. As always, it must be three times. Two times is too few, and four times is too many. Three is just right.

12:10 PM. Waking up. Big stretch. Slept well. To be fair, being out in that cold rain did tucker me out, so I needed the sleep. Am pleased to find that my irritation at not catching that squirrel is gone. Well, as they always say, tomorrow is another day.

12:11 PM. Dismayed to find the human washing the lunchtime dishes. Drat, I missed the chance to mooch.

1:40 PM. Sitting looking out the front window, barking my head off as the mailman drops off some mail at the box. Yeah, get lost! You’d better drive out of here fast, because if you don’t, you’re gonna be dealing with me! You hear me? You’re gonna be dealing with me!!!!!

2:58 PM. A glance at the calendar indicates that it’s Easter this weekend. Well, that explains why the human has been stockpiling chocolate eggs and bunnies. They claim chocolate’s bad for us dogs, but if you ask me, I think they’re lying just so they can have all the chocolate to themselves.

6:26 PM. Dinner with the human. Some nice chunks of stewing beef for me hits the spot. I don’t know why the human insists on adding broccoli with hers. Broccoli tastes... what’s the word I’m looking for? Oh, right... ickkkkk!

8:40 PM. Lying on my back in the living room while the human’s reading. Contemplating life’s great mysteries. What if chasing squirrels is the meaning of life?

11:44 PM. The human is off to bed. Well, good night, human, sleep well. If you happen to hear any bangs downstairs overnight, just ignore them. I swear I’m not trying to break into the pantry where you’ve stashed the Easter chocolate. And if I’m lying, may lightning strike the mailman.


  1. I love the life of a dog. I wish I become one in my next life.

  2. My parents had a dog who stole things and bargained for treats with them!

  3. I want to be in both piles of puppies, Beagles AND Dalmatians!!

  4. I can sympathize with the pooch wanting the grilled cheese!

  5. My mom and sister adopted litter-mates yesterday and have been inundating me with photos of their puppies doing cute things. It's a very odd sort of torture :)

  6. @Ch4: I'd rather be a cat!

    @Kelly: that's a dog thing to do!

    @Diane: they're adorable piles!

    @Norma: me too!

    @Meradeth: that's definitely a new dog owner thing to do!

  7. The mailman doesn't get it, does he? Maybe he's part giant squirrel! Lol

  8. Great work, William. My favorites are the ones featuring cats and dogs. Our Cleo sleeps with a big faux Golden but I don't know how she'd get along with a real one.


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