Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Wednesday, October 19, 2016

A Day In The Life Of A Cat

And now it is time for the cat to have her say. Pay her the appropriate amount of respect, for she is one of the supreme life forms on this planet, after all.

7:19 AM. Waking up at home. Taking a big stretch. Considering whether or not I should go to sleep for another hour or seven. Well, maybe I’ll stay awake until nap time. I haven’t had breakfast yet, and that’s always important. 

7:23 AM. The staff comes down the stairs, all dressed for that work place she goes to. I wonder what it is she does for a living. The way she dresses, she could be a banker, a lawyer, or a globe-trotting spy. Well, maybe not that last one. She tends to come home every night, doesn’t have a Walther PPK under the pillow, and doesn’t drink vodka martinis, shaken or stirred. 

7:25 AM. The staff has finally gotten around to providing me with breakfast. As usual, there are field rations in one bowl, but the staff seems to be getting the message and providing me with something proper, as in this case I have a bowl of milk and a plate of tuna. Very good, staff, but we’re going to have to get you to work on delivering all of this in pre-chilled tableware.

7:28 AM. Eating contentedly. The staff is seeing to her breakfast. 

7:37 AM. The staff is on her way out the door for the day. I give her a head bonk to the leg and suggest she bring some extra catnip when she comes home. Plus a good sized box for me to hide in. Boxes and cats. It’s a thing we have.

7:38 AM. Watching the staff get into her car to leave for the day. Okay, time to get ourselves organized, figure out the schedule for the day. Naps of course will feature prominently. Along with lots of staring out at the vastness of my domain and occasional brooding.

7:45 AM. Up on a windowsill on the second floor. Watching the world outside. Lots of fall colours. The distant sound of barking from that annoying mutt from down the road catches my ears. What purpose dogs serve in the greater scheme of things is beyond me. 

8:10 AM. Lightly dozing while sitting on the windowsill. You know, this morning sun really makes me sleepy. I could just enjoy a quick doze right here.

8:21 AM. Awoken by rustling sounds from outside. I open my eyes, look out on my lawn... and see that despicable dog running around in the fallen leaves and making a spectacle of himself. Hey! Dog! Get lost!

8:22 AM. The annoying mutt finally notices me and starts wagging his tail. Who gave you permission to come onto my property? Because I certainly didn’t. Scram! And I mean right now!

8:24 AM. I give the dog my full measure of disdain by giving him the finger. He seems confused. Dogs usually are.

8:25 AM. The dog finally leaves my property. I’m going to have to do something about him. Like have a skunk or porcupine drop in and pay him a visit. Teach him some manners. But dogs being dogs, I doubt the lesson will take.

8:39 AM. I settle down in the living room for a good nap. 

11:42 AM. Waking up from the nap. Feeling quite refreshed.

11:58 AM. Despite reluctance to subject myself to it, I eat some of the field rations.

12:09 PM. Watching some of the noon news. Much concern about creepy clown sightings. A rather paranoid member of something called the Anti-Clown Society Of America says we need to wipe all the clowns off the face of the planet, just like a plague of ancient Egypt. Oh, yes, you sound rational and well adjusted, lady. 

12:11 PM. Wolf Blitzer is telling the irrational loon that her remarks could be taken as anti-clownite. She says that’s kind of the point, that clowns are evil. No, lady, they’re obnoxious, not evil. There are some big differences between the two.

12:13 PM. Turning off the television. Okay, that’s enough of having my intelligence insulted for one day. I can’t believe all day news runs all day when they’ve got all of thirty minutes of actual content. This is all just nonsense cooked up to hype Hallowe’en. 

12:16 PM. Reminded of the fact that Hallowe’en is not that far off. And with my luck, the staff’s idiot relations will bring their rugrats around here for trick or treating. I really don’t get that whole tradition. Bunch of kids show up at your house going on three or four hours, demanding you give them candy for services not rendered, with vague hints of a threat about egging your house if you don’t follow through. Who started this whole thing anyway?

1:29 PM. I was just starting to drift off a nap when I was rudely awakened by the distant barking of that dog through the windows. Checking the clock. Mailman must be passing by. I wonder if it ever occurred to dogs that mailmen are just doing their job.

3:54 PM. Waking up from a nap. Slept well. Dreamed of jack o’lanterns and scarecrows and the Headless Horseman all chasing Wolf Blitzer. What kind of name is Wolf Blitzer anyway? It sounds like the sort of name he picked out of a Cracker Jack box.

4:46 PM. Waiting on the staff to come home. Feeling impatient.

5:21 PM. The staff walks through the front door, carrying a couple of grocery bags and a box! Praise be to Isis! A box! I deliver a head bonk to the legs and follow her into the kitchen. 

5:27 PM. The staff is putting away some of that Hallowe’en candy. I meanwhile am sitting pretty in my new box, which until thirty seconds ago contained a new coffee maker.

6:35 PM. Dinner with the staff. She’s having asparagus with her lamb. I’m just having strips of lamb. Tastes good. I don’t know why anyone would ever subject themselves to asparagus, but that’s just me.

11:41 PM. The staff is off to bed. Good night, staff, sleep well, and keep the bedroom door open so that I can run all over you at three thirty in the morning. If you happen to dream about Wolf Blitzer getting chased by the Headless Horseman, that would probably suggest we’re telepathically connected, you and I.

Which I doubt. I mean, after all, you keep putting field rations out for me first thing in the morning, despite all my protests, and if we had that mind reading thing going on between us, you’d understand that.


  1. My can opener doesn't like me either as of late.

  2. Supreme form of life on the planet, huh? Well, giving the current trends in human behavior, you just might be right!

  3. My brother from another mother!! How cute.

    I almost bought another English bulldog at the Thomasville fair last night. Must. Not. Overload. On. Cuteness!!

  4. I'm pretty sure my cat is always contemplating homicide.

  5. Thanks, I needed the chuckles. Loved the "He's my half-brother by another Mother."

  6. @Shelly: can openers are like that.

    @Norma: she definitely is one!

    @Diane: it is cute.

    @Kelly: that's a cat thing.

    @Mari: you're welcome!

  7. "Hooman approaching wif tuna sammich." Look out! That one's darling. They all are.

  8. So much fun as always

    cheers, parsnip

  9. I sure love cats! I wish they got along with dogs, as hub would like a dog, too.


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