Endless Election Campaign Goes On; Possible Solutions On The Horizon
Washington (AP) The U.S. election campaign grinds on as slowly as ever while November seems ages away. While the Democratic nominees have come down to two candidates, Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders, there are still several Republican candidates trying to kill each other (literally in one case) for the nomination. American voters, meanwhile, find themselves asking the inevitable question: is this how bad the candidates are?
Donald Trump, the perceived front runner in the GOP (despite the fact that the Republican leadership dreads the idea of his getting the nomination), real estate developer, and mouthy blowhard, has been in traction for months, issuing his obnoxiousness even from a sickbed, attacking every single target coming his way, including most recently the Pope. After getting trashed by rival candidate Hulk Hogan and his campaign manager Ric Flair months ago, Trump hasn’t let broken bones slow him down, issuing endless crass attack diatribes and stroking his own ego. “My inauguration party is going to be huge! Huuuuuuuuge! And we’re gonna force the Mexicans to pay for it!” he boasted yesterday.
From his offices in Mexico City, Mexican President Enrique Nieto rolled his eyes when the press asked about the latest Trump statement. “You know, we’ve tried to be as polite as we can, putting up with this kind of nonsense from that self absorbed ass. Enough’s enough. To use an American phrase... Donald Trump can go **** himself.”
Ted Cruz is still putting up a fight for the nomination, while avoiding the subject of his own birthplace- Calgary, Alberta. “I’m a proud American!” Cruz insisted. “Contrary to some rumours that have been floating about lately, I was not sent in by a Canadian super-villain to undermine the American political scene. I bleed red white and blue and my heart always belongs to Cana... I mean, to America! America! Yes, that’s right!” He and Marco Rubio have been trying to position themselves as the ideal alternate candidate to Trump (while Rubio is given to frequent repetitiveness in his speeches), which includes tearing each other apart. Ben Carson, once at the top of some polls, has been largely sleeping his way through press conferences.
John Kasich remains in place as a candidate, quietly working away at his campaign, even if he’s not getting as much notice as he’d like. Some Republican party officials have expressed hope that Kasich might be seen as the only reasonable option compared to, in the words of one insider, “the rest of those bloody lunatics.”
Former Vice President Dan Quayle, once considered a dullard during his days in the job, shrugged when reporters found him in a classroom trying to figure out how to spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. “You know, once upon a time a lot of people made fun of my intellectual abilities. I can say with great pleasure that I feel vindicated by the fact that compared to Trump, Rubio, and Cruz, I’m a smart guy.”
President Obama, meanwhile, is largely staying out of the election, aside from the odd put down of Trump. He’s busy doing his job- running the country and deciding on a nominee for the newly vacant Supreme Court seat now that Justice Scalia is roasting somewhere in a place with no air conditioning. Rumour has it that comedian Lewis Black is among the contenders.
Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann- who launched a joint run at the nomination, boasting that they could be president in turns- dropped out two weeks ago. They were grinning obliviously when they met the press, both of them seemingly drunk. “Well, you know, it’s not our time,” Palin admitted. “So we decided to get out before we ran out of the money our supporters gave us.”
Bachmann nodded. “Yes, we’re spendin’ the rest on a big tailgate party of booze and barbecue, and then we’re going to go all scorched earth on whoever wins the nomination, just so we can get ourselves set up for running again in 2020.”
“Palin and Bachmann 2020!” Palin hollered, smiling like a demented twit. “We'll wreck the country... I mean, we'll save the country! You betcha!”
There are other candidates already thinking of four years down the line. An independent candidate has come forward in recent days, calling the press together for an impromptu press conference. She was once at the center of impeachment proceedings against President Bill Clinton. She was the subject of endless comedy punchlines. Monica Lewinsky, one time White House intern, spokesperson, and public speaker, was beaming when she was introduced.
“You know, I think voters are sick and tired of both sides, Republican and Democrat alike," she told reporters. "There need to be more voices in the political process in this country. Truly independent thinkers who are beholden to no one- this is what we need in America. I think I could do quite well as an independent voice apart from the crowd. I already have plenty of experience in the Oval Office, after all.” She smiled with pride, paused for a moment before continuing. Reporters wondered if the former President Clinton might be watching this. “Well, I am proud to announce my candidacy for President of the United States in 2020. Vote for Monica, because I know how to get things finished. With a happy ending.”
The announcement displeased Hillary Clinton, at an event in South Carolina, where she was yelling at some of her aides, witnessed by reporters at a distance in the conference center. “This is supposed to be my time! And that **** steals my thunder??? I deserve the White House! It’s mine! It belongs to me! Mine, mine, mine! My own! My precious! How dare she make an announcement while I’m on my way to my destiny! Crowned Empress Hillary The First! Wait... what are those reporters doing over there? Did they hear me?”
Meanwhile, the last of her Democrat opponents, Bernie Sanders, continues his efforts, speaking at events, stressing his campaign platform ideas, such as universal healthcare, improved education, and civility in political life. As seemingly the only rational adult in the campaign, Sanders is outnumbered by nutcases, ambitious buffoons, and blowhards.
A solution to the Republican standoff is coming from the strangest of places. Survivor host and reality show producer Jeff Probst offered a suggestion this week in a press conference. “This could go on for weeks, perhaps all the way to the convention. All the while, it will prove to be more embarrassing to the party and the country. And rather than go through the actual measured steps of the electoral process, why not make something entertaining of it? Well, I thought why not make a one-time reality show of it? A live version of Thunderdome, like from those Mad Max films. George Miller told me to **** off when I asked him to let me use that word, so instead we’re going with Battle Arena.”
Probst grinned like the half-witted moron that some assume he is. “So here we have the idea: the remaining Republican candidates all go into a large, caged space. We hang all sorts of weapons around. Crow bars, tire irons, chain saws, sledge hammers, whatever we can think of. And whoever’s left when it’s all done wins the nomination. If you ask me, I’d put my money on Kasich. It’s always the quiet ones who end up being the most resourceful in a fight.”
Hulk Hogan, still in the running as a presidential candidate, approved of the idea. The former wrestler was with his campaign manager and former wrestling rival Ric Flair at an event in Charleston when they spoke to the press. “This is just the sort of thing that we used to do in wrestlin’, brother... cage matches and steel chairs and cheatin’ and gougin’ eyes and all that, brother.”
Flair grinned and clapped Hogan on the shoulder. “Wooooooooo!!!!! Now this just means the Hulkster is gonna to actually hit people with foreign objects instead of fakin’ it! This is what we’re meant to do! The Battle Arena format is practically rigged for the Hulkster to win! Get used to these three words: President Hulk Hogan!”
Hogan laughed and started singing as the two headed off. “Hail to the Hulk, he’s the one we all say hail to...”
As has been the case in previous years, some American citizens are musing on leaving for Canada depending on the results of the election. Some Republican supporters have threatened that over Obamacare; whether or not it occurred to them that they’d be moving to a country with universal care that was generally to the left of the Democrats is another story. Democrat supporters did some of that during the Years of Dubya (otherwise known in some circles as The Age Of Darkness).
The same trend is showing up this year among Republican voters, dreading the idea of Hillary Clinton as President. Democrat supporters are talking about the idea should the impossible happen and Trump end up cheating his way into the White House. Mass migrations into the Great White North may be an issue the Canadian government will have to deal with either way.
Another idea is starting to gain ground, with tens of thousands of members already joining a group in Connecticut. It is founded out of a serious concern that the election might end up pitting Trump against Clinton, a prospect none of its members like. Calling itself by the peculiar moniker Invite The Canucks Association, the group has suggested that in the case of those two being the final nominees, a petition should be made to the Canadian government.
“If these two are the final candidates, than frankly, this country has come to the point where it’s a failure,” Caroline Travers, a university professor and founder of the group told reporters. “We will have failed our Founding Fathers, who will be ashamed of what’s become of us, of how far we have fallen. We have made this country a joke. If that is the case... we have only one option. To petition the Canadian government to come in, to take over, to turn our states into provinces in the constitutional monarchy that is Canada. That means certain changes. Gun control, universal health care, learning how to spell words like colour in the proper English, instead of color. It means having the Queen as our Queen, instead of being in a republic.”
She carried on speaking after a pause. “It means having a leader who understands working together, tact, and diplomacy as opposed to self centered me first vindictiveness. Canada got rid of one of those guys last fall, after all. It means we start drinking Canadian beer, because let’s face it, American beer has always been watered down at best. It means we get to like Canadian bacon, and how to eat poutine. It means we’re going to have to get used to being obsessed about hockey as a national sport. It means we’re all going to have to learn how to make love in a canoe. Well, not at the same time, obviously, because that might end up resembling an orgy.”