Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Monday, February 8, 2016

An Egomaniac And A Drunken Bastard

Explosion Prone Director Returns To Music Videos, Annoys Anyone With Taste And Refinement

Nashville (CP) Reporters were summoned to the offices of Show Dog/ Universal Music in the country music capital this week for a press conference. This included real reporters, as well as entertainment reporters and a subset of that latter group: country music entertainment reporters, who brought cowboy hats and boots to the mix. The real reporters, outnumbered by knuckle dragging slow witted entertainment reporters, wondered what this was all about. It turned out that the studio is the label for country singer Toby Keith, who ended up being one half of the two obnoxious irritants we were all here to see.

A spokesman came out on stage, calling for the attention of all. “Ladies and gentlemen, Show Dog/ Universal has gathered you all here for a big announcement about our founder Toby Keith, who by the way is backstage waiting.” The real reporters glanced at each other, wondering why, in a world with so many serious news stories, we had been subjected to covering an announcement by a country music singing slob who looked like he was hit by an ugly stick. Were we all on the outs with our editors? (editor: you damned well know why you’re on the outs with me, you smirking punk)

The spokesman carried on. “Mr. Keith has a new album in the works, which he’ll be speaking about, and he’s kicking it all off with news about a music video... and the director of that video, who’s here today. Ladies and gentlemen, give a big welcome to Toby Keith and Michael Bay!”

The two men came out on stage. Keith was dressed much as you’d expect- jeans, cowboy boots, denim shirt, and cowboy hat, a dumb grin plastered over his bearded face, waving to the crowd. Bay was, as always, dressed in jeans, a T-shirt, and a blazer, with his hair in its usual slightly dishevelled look, three or four days of stubble on his face. A full length mirror was quickly brought out on stage, placed beside the podium, and Bay took a look at himself, grinning and winking at himself. The egomaniacal movie director, given to endless amounts of explosions in films, actually started out in the music video genre. Was this a sign that the hack was going away at last, even with the many films he had in the works (editor: stop making fun of Michael Bay! He’s a great auteur!)

“Welcome to Nashville!” Keith called out, still smiling in that dumb way. This reporter couldn’t stop looking at his beat up hat, wondering idly if Keith was wearing it to hide a receding hairline in the same fashion that Garth Brooks did (editor: Hey! Don’t make fun of Garth!). “You know, I’m a real big fan of this man’s work as a director. I don’t know why he hasn’t gotten Oscars for every single film he’s ever made.”

Bay shrugged. “It must be one big conspiracy. Or the Academy voters aren’t fans of explosions, hot babes waxing cars, and more explosions.”

Keith shook his head. “How can anyone not be fans of that? Which is what brings us to what we’re all here for. See, I’ve done a lot of music videos with me bein’ in the middle of big parties with girls half my age and actin’ like I’m still in college... but I’ve never done a video that needed any Michael Bay explosions.”

Bay smiled. “And trust me, I know explosions.” This reporter sighed, wishing one of those pyrotechnic monstrosities would backfire on set and rid the world of Michael Bay once and for all.... (editor: I already told you, stop making fun of Michael Bay!) This reporter sighed again, wishing his editor would stop being such a cranky crank with horrible tastes in movies and music.

Keith nodded. “Absolutely! Which brings me to this announcement. My next album is going to be called Taking Out The Chicks. Now that might come across at first like the usual country music guys and gals down at the bar after drivin’ their pickup trucks and hangin’ out and gettin’ lucky, but that’s not what it’s meant to be. The whole album is fifteen songs of me takin’ shots at the Dixie Chicks.”

The feud goes back over twelve years, after the lead singer of the Dixie Chicks, Natalie Maines, made remarks during a concert deriding George W. Bush, as well as personal clashes between Keith and the Chicks. They’ve characterized him as ignorant, while he spent time posting doctored images of Maines with the late Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein at his concerts. Apparently after all this time the singer persists in his loathing of the trio.

Bay carried on. “Toby asked if I’d direct the first video off the album, for his song Ignorant This! Great title, by the way, Toby. And so it’s going to be a ten minute short movie, with Toby singing, pool parties with scantily clad young women running around, a few dozen explosions, and three women who we’ve cast who look rather like the Dixie Chicks. For the purposes of the video, they’re going to be the villains of the whole piece. You’ll know they’re the villains by the way they sneer.”

Entertainment reporters were abuzz. Country music reporters let out an unanimous “yeeeeeehaaaaw!” Real reporters collectively sighed in dismay and wished they could be anywhere else but covering a press conference held by a drunken hillbilly and an egomaniac. (editor: hey! Stop making fun of Michael Bay! And Toby Keith’s a great singer, so don’t insult him!) This reporter, shackled with an editor with horrific movie and music tastes... (editor: I am going to have you drawn and quartered, I swear to God!)

“Does it occur to you that the Dixie Chicks might not like being cast as the villains in a Michael Bay music video?” another reporter asked.

Bay looked confused. “Why wouldn’t they?”

Keith shrugged. “Look, they don’t have much of no sense of humour. While I do. Nothin’ I love more than havin’ a good time and goin’ out to a party and gettin’ hammered and havin’ a laugh. So what if I’m spendin’ a whole album pickin’ a fight with them? Country music loves me, and that’s all that matters.”

Bay smiled. “So we’re gonna be busy for a couple of weeks gettin’ this video together, having fun with pool parties and drinking and having hot babes wax cars and go swiming, and of course explosions. You’ll love what we’ve got in store! Trust me, I know what I’m doing!” This reporter watched Bay and Keith step off stage, seriously doubting Bay had ever in his life known what he was doing... (editor: damn you to hell, you smirking bastard!)

As a post script, the Dixie Chicks- Natalie Maines, Martie Maguire, and Emily Robison- took questions from reporters on the matter at hand. “That’s fine with us,” Maines confirmed.

“Yes, we’ve got a song coming up on the next album meant just for Toby,” Maguire added.

Robison finished up by saying, “We’re calling it Legend Of The Drunken Bastard.


  1. Why is it that so many of these most adamant "patriots" neglected to serve in our military? I'll take the Dixie Chicks over Toby Keith any day. Never could stand the man.

  2. One of these days, Bay's going to come looking for you, William!

    But this is really, really funny!

  3. I'm happy to say I've never heard of either of these--un, er, fellows.

  4. Oh my LORD, someone slap Toby for wearing that sacred uniform. He's a p**ck. :O

  5. Very funny! Btw, I didn't know Bay started out in the music video genre. Doesn't surprise me, though;).

  6. @Lowell: Toby's one of those guys who makes my skin crawl, the hypocrisy. Ted Nugent though is far, far worse.

    @Norma: Bay would get distracted by an explosion.

    @Lorelei: consider yourself lucky!

    @Diane: he should be slapped repeatedly.

    @Maria: I didn't know either, so I checked!

  7. I was born and raised in the USA. When I visited France in 2006, George W. Bush was president. When people asked if I was American, I told them I was from Canada (you know, just so I could get waited on in cafes). People would grin and say, "No George Bush!"

    I love the Dixie Chicks.

  8. I have several family members who love country music. I'm going to be thinking of this bit the next time I get suckered into listening with them.


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