Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Monday, July 27, 2015

A Day In The Life Of A Cat

And now it is time for the cat's point of view. Your Imperial Grace, the floor is yours.

7:25 AM. Waking up to the sound of footsteps upstairs. The staff is up and about. Who gave her permission to wake me up before I was ready?

7:31 AM. The staff comes downstairs and bids me good morning. It’ll be all the better with a proper breakfast. Bacon and milk would be quite welcome, perhaps with a side dish of lightly sautéed diced lamb...

7:35 AM. The staff disappoints me yet again by giving me field rations. 

7:48 AM. Out on the deck to soak in some sun. Off in the distance I can hear the barking of that annoying mutt from down the road. Obviously he’s never heard of having a morning lie-in.

7:53 AM. Out in the yard sniffing at the grass. The staff heads out the door and waves as she goes to her car.... wait a minute. Is this a workday? Hey! You can’t leave me outside while you’re at work all day!

Come back here!

7:54 AM. And there she goes. I grumble, growl, and use a few choice curse words to express my annoyance with my staff at the present moment in time.

7:56 AM. ....I mean, honestly, she sees me right there, and she knows I don’t like being stranded outside all day. Is it that hard for her to just leave the door wide open so I can come in and go out at my leisure? What if it rains?

8:23 AM. Sitting on one of the deck chairs, stewing, plotting revenge. It may involve the shredding of cashmere.

11:32 AM. Waking up from long nap. Unfortunately the staff will still be gone for hours on end. 

12:15 PM. Staring up at the clouds. I think that one there looks like a big ball of yarn.

12:21 PM. Well, since the staff won’t be home anytime soon, I think a good walk through the woods and fields would be in order right about now. Some country air, exercise, and perhaps the chance to catch some flying lunch would be ideal.

1:39 PM. Walking through a farm. Not that far off from the barn. Hey, wait a minute... this is what I get for not really paying attention to where I was. This is where that dog lives.

1:41 PM. And sure enough, there he is out by the barn with his human. And lo and behold.... the stupid mutt has noticed me.

1:42 PM. I hiss at the dog to warn him to leave me alone.

1:43 PM. The dog’s human has come over and is giving me a pat and scratch behind the ears. I like that... but on the other hand, lady, you’ve got yourself a foul hound living with you, which is a mark against you. Please do us all a favour and don’t ever bring a cat into your household. That would be far too cruel to the cat.

1:44 PM. I take my leave, turning and giving the annoying mutt a stern glare.

2:08 PM. Back home. Still no sign of the staff. How long does it take to do this work thing anyway?

2:17 PM. Well, if she’s going to be gone awhile longer, I might as well take a nap. Just as long as it doesn’t start raining while I’m asleep. One can never quite tell this time of year...

5:25 PM. Waking up suddenly to the sound of a car engine and wheels on the driveway. I hear the engine stop and a door open. Staff? Is that you?

5:26 PM. Coming around the house. Sure enough, there she is. Well, it’s about time! I’ve been out here all day, staff, and that has left me quite annoyed with you. I am expecting something in compensation for this, you know. A proper dinner, for instance.

6:03 PM. Supervising the staff while she makes dinner. She’s busy cutting up some beef. That has promise. I like the taste of beef, after all. 

6:47 PM. Having dinner. The staff has given me a plate of beef with a side of milk. She insists on eating cauliflower with her meat for some reason. I really don’t understand why she’d eat that, though she does smother it with a white sauce.

7:17 PM. Supervising the staff while she does dishes. Being a human, the staff does require careful supervision.

7:26 PM. The staff is done with the dishes. Okay, staff, cuddle time. I'm demanding at least a half hour.

8:40 PM. Dozing while the staff reads. For some reason her reading choice tonight is a Stephen King novel. Well, it’s her fault then if she has nightmares tonight. Well, her, and Stephen King.

11:35 PM. The staff is off to bed. Very well, staff, have a good night. Again, if you have nightmares, don’t be running around looking to me for comfort. I told you not to read that book.


  1. They are all great but I most like the schizophrenic cat that at least has himself! :)

    Yes, Leviticus is a slog...I'm just picking and choosing from zillions of idiotic "laws" and "commands."

  2. The kitties are so cute. I love the cat reading one and the pic with the cat in the middle of the bed. They were adorable.

  3. It looks like that cat made a catnip angel on the table.

  4. The cats and clothing ones made me laugh!

  5. You were definitely a cat in a previous incarnation!

  6. @Lowell: Schizo cat is still a cutie.

    @Auden: thank you!

    @Kelly: it does, yes.

    @Whisk: indeed!

    @Meradeth: thanks!

    @Norma: I must have been.

  7. Oh goodness...Next they'll be making Grumpy Cat Bibles.

  8. I like the cookie thief! That does happen!

  9. Somehow, that looked more like a dog's paw going for the cookie. Grumpy is wonderful.


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