Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

The Mountie And The Con Artist Take Off Their Knickers

Before I get things started today, I thought I'd let you know that over in our joint blog, Basking In The Afterglow, my partner in crime and I under our alter egos of Scarlett and James, have been doing several of these Underwear Challenges. Come on over, have a look, and if you're not already following us, you must do so post haste. Just a word of advice: you might want to avoid reading with kids or the uptight around. It gets a bit racy. And by a bit, I mean a lot.

We've done four of them, the first as our alter egos, and the other three with characters in our collaborative work in progress, Same Time Tomorrow. Here are the links:

Taking Off Our Underwear

Chloe and Gabriel
Dana Butler
Olivia and Rachel

Now then, to the business at hand. Today I'm returning to the underwear challenge, bringing two of my characters without a book, RCMP Inspector Lars Ulrich and con artist Mary Ducky, together to take the quiz.

Thank you both for coming today, please... make yourselves comfortable.

Lars: I hope this won't take long. I have a detachment to run.

Mary: And I have a group of investors to swindle.

Lars: What was that?

Mary: Nothing! Nothing, nothing at all. Did I say that out loud?

Shall we get to it?

Mary: Oh, yes, most certainly.

1. What do you call your underwear/undergarments? Do you have any commonly used nicknames for them?

Mary: Well, I usually call them panties. They're often silk, made by the finest tailors in Paris. You know, when you're as good as I am in stealing money from the unsuspecting, you can afford to buy the finest things in life.

Lars: RCMP Logistics Issuance Item #45. Boxers, if you must know. We all get them. They've got these silouhettes of Mounties on horseback printed all over them.

Mary: Oh, could I see?

Lars: Miss Ducky, you should know that there are warrants out for your arrest by Interpol, and as soon as we're done here, I'm taking you in.

Mary: In that case, Mr. Kendall? Would you mind taking your time with the questions? I'd really rather delay as long as I can until I can figure out a way to make my escape.

Lars: You said that out loud.

Mary: I did?

2. Have you ever had that supposedly common dream of being in a crowded place in only your underwear?

Mary: Yes, of course I have. You know, it just so happens that I was giving a seminar in a dream once, and there I was, in a bra and panties, going on about the Mary Ducky Financial Protocol. The audience members were speechless as I strode back and forth on stage. I had thought of using the technique in my actual stage scam... er, stage speeches. Sorry about that, must have been a Freudian slip.

Lars: A Freudian slip?

Mary: Look, the simple fact of the matter is that you're making me nervous, Mr. Mountie, with all this talk about arrests and warrants. Why don't you go ahead and answer his question?

Lars: Yes, only once. I dreamed I was on stage during a Mountie graduation ceremony in my RCMP Logistics Issuance Item #45. And my hat. And nothing else.

Mary: I wouldn't have minded seeing that.

3. What is the worst thing you can think of to make underwear out of?

Mary: Subpoena papers. I'm allergic to legal proceedings. I really prefer to avoid them altogether.

Lars: Birchbark, if you must know.

4. If you were a pair of panties, what colour would you be?

Lars: Red. Just like the dress uniform jacket. And with a gold trim. But why would I be a pair of panties?

Mary: I would have to be emerald green. The colour of money, baby. My favourite, favourite colour in the whole world. You know, when it's just me and the money alone together at night, well, the things we get to doing... Is there a clinical term for someone who goes to their happy place when they feel the soft brushing of money against their naked body?

Lars: Yes. Weirdo.

I would have to agree with Lars on that one.

5. Have you ever thrown your underwear at a rock star or other celebrity? If so, which one(s)? If not, which one(s) WOULD you throw your underwear at, given the opportunity?

Mary: I once threw my panties at the Enron board. Long story.

Lars: Mr. Kendall, I'll ask you this question, son. What the hell kind of questions are these?

Just the kind of questions that need to be answered.

Lars: Oh, I see, I see. Yes, well... if I could throw my Issuance Item #45s at anyone, it would have to be Kim Campbell.

The former Prime Minister?

Lars: Yes, well, there was that picture of her behind legal robes, baring her shoulders... let's just say it left quite the impression.

Mary: You have heard of the expression too much information?

6. You're out of clean underwear. What do you do?

Mary: I don't run out of panties. I've got plenty of them, so I never run out.

Lars: Do an emergency wash in a nearby creek or stream. You know, when you're out on the trail of a suspect in the far north for a couple of weeks at a time, you learn how to improvise. Oh, sure, it might mean you're naked while waiting for the clothes to dry, but it's not as if there's anyone out there in that vast, trackless wilderness. Aside from the bears.

Mary: I'm sorry, I'm getting distracted by the thought of a naked Mountie. Can we carry on?

7. Are you old enough to remember Underroos? If so, did you have any? Which ones?

Lars: Dudley Do-Right. I'm from a multiple generation family of Mounties.

Mary: No, I can't say I did have them. My mother raised me with certain standards, and something like Underroos would be beneath us. You have to look classy so that the wealthy accept you when you're fleecing them for every penny you can get.

Lars: You said that out loud.

Mary: I did? Forget I said that. Can I strike that from the record?

8. If you could have any message printed on your underwear, what would it be?

Mary: Money, money, money, money, money. 

Lars: Well, I'm not sure. My Issuance Item #45s already have the horses and riders on them. How about if I could have Damn it, I am not that Lars Ulrich printed on them?

9. How many bloggers does it take to put panties on a goat?

Lars: Son, tell me, what kind of question is that supposed to be? You don't mistreat goats like that. You leave them alone. Everyone knows that. Putting panties on a goat would just get the animal mad at you, and that's something you don't want to get mad at you.

Mary: Can the goat with panties be used as a distraction to buy you time to flee from angry investors?

Lars: Are we done now?

Yes, we are.

Lars: Good. Mary Ducky, I'm placing you under arr...

Mary: *pointing* Isn't that the anchor for Access Hollywood over there?

Lars: *turning* Where?

*Mary sprints away and out the door.*

I think she just scarpered on you.

Lars: *turning* Damn it!

At least she didn't ask you if you were with Metallica.

Later that night, Mary tried a Mountie tunic on for size....


  1. I love this one, as I told you when you let me read it the other day--but seeing it posted, with pics, is even funnier.

    Strange, but Mary looks quite familiar....

  2. Oh, this was good!...I'd forgotten about that picture of Kim Campbell...

    Why is it with every post you do, they just keep getting funnier and funnier?

  3. These sexy underwear character blogs are putting my ancient underwear blog to shame. Excellent and funny too. Lars and Miss Ducky should have their own books!

  4. Good stuff! You have an amazing sense of humor. Have you thought about writing comedy for a tv program? You'd be great at it!

  5. Of Pericles, to rage the city turn, Following!

  6. Loved it. Too good. You do have a talent for writing with a wonderful touch of humor.

  7. Subpoena papers! Ha! I heard you can make underwear out of nettles. Apparently they feel like cotton, but personally I wouldn't like to try them.

  8. Very funny--very entertaining! Love your humor:).

  9. The underwear thing never gets old.

  10. Strangely enough, when I was writing this, it was Mary who kept taking things in the direction of having eyes for Lars. It's like the character was hijacking the blog in a direction I wasn't intending to go.

    Of course, it makes for a good direction if I decide to write these two into their own book: the cop, the crook, and endless flirtation in between chases.

  11. The first thing I thought of was THAT Lars Ulrich...couldn't picture him as a Mountie, once that was cleared up though, it was all good!...very entertaining...besides subpoena papers and birchbark, underwear should never be made of burlap trimmed with porcupine quills.

  12. @ Eve: when I first created the character, I was kind of looking around for a name that sounded Germanic. I didn't know who Lars Ulrich was, just threw the name together from the two. It was only after that someone asked about the Metallica guy that I found out about it, and ever since, I've run with that. Someday I'll have to bring the two Lars together.


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