A Day In The Life Of A Cat

And so it is time for the cat to have her say...

7:23 AM. Awakened by footsteps on the stairs. I see my staff pass by. Well, hello, staff, back off to that work place you go to now that the holidays are over? Say, before you go, would you care to put out some breakfast for me? I would like that served on a lightly chilled plate, by the way. Just for the record so that we’ve got that established between ourselves.

7:26 AM. The staff has provided me with breakfast. Milk, some tuna, and for some inexplicable reason, field rations yet again. And no lightly chilled plate. Oh, it can be such an ordeal at times having this woman as my staff.

7:28 AM. Dining on breakfast. Will leave the field rations for later, just in case I’m feeling a wee bit peckish. Do cats say the word peckish? It seems a rather bird thing to say, even if it has nothing to do with birds. Though, to be fair, hunger can be solved by the eating of birds...

7:30 AM. The staff is busy getting her breakfast together. I am busy observing.

7:32 AM. I gently chide the staff by reminding her that while it was fun having her at home through the holidays, I did not find it remotely amusing to have her idiot relations stay over for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. I mean, honestly, staff, I spent prime getting spoiled by you hours hiding, instead, in one of the four dozen bolt holes in this house that I have set up for just such an emergency. Sure, those annoying brats never found me, but not for lack of trying!

7:43 AM. The staff is on her way out the door. Very well, staff, leave me to my own devices, but I expect you home promptly after work. I have a belly that needs rubbing, after all, but only three times, because any more than that sets off my claw your hand impulse.

7:45 AM. Sitting on the back of the couch, watching the staff get in the car. Okay, how am I to fill my day? Aside from naps. Because as we all know, plenty of naps are a prerequisite for call cats to charge our felininity. Yes, felininity is a word. Now.

7:53 AM. Staring out the window at my domain. Off in the distance there’s the muffled sound of that annoying mutt from down the road, barking for no reason at all. What purpose dogs serve in the greater scheme of it all eludes me. All I know is I don’t like them.

8:03 AM. Watching the birds out on my lawn, flying around the feeders. It’s a shame I don’t have a way to go in and out when the staff is gone. I’d love to get my paws on one of those flying lunches. 

8:08 AM. Musing on the meaning of life. Is catnip the true meaning of existence? Because if it is... that would explain everything.

8:12 AM. Peering out at the snow and the peace and quiet. I have the oddest sense that someone’s watching me.

8:13 AM. Finding myself profoundly annoyed by the sight of that irritating dog crossing my lawn. I begin an epic hissing storm.

8:14 AM. Voicing my displeasure at that foul hound as he just stands there wagging his tail. Get lost!

8:15 AM. The dog looks confused. A common expression for members of the canine species.

8:16 AM. Watching the dog walking away. And don’t come back! You hear me? Don’t you come back!

8:35 AM. Still annoyed by the presence of that dog on my property. Will try to get past the annoyance by a much needed nap. Oh, sure, I’ve barely been awake an hour, but you never know when you’ll need to stockpile some naps.

12:03 PM. Waking up. Slept well. Dreamed of that dog chasing his tail around in circles and getting frustrated.

12:34 PM. I am watching a news report on how long it usually takes people to break their New Year’s resolutions. Well, I won’t speak for people, but as a feline, I can say with authority that cats don’t have to make resolutions. We’re practically perfect in every way already, after all. 

1:33 PM. Spotting the mailman dropping off a few things at the box. Well, I heard no sound of barking from down the road, so all dogs that way must be indoors at the moment. Why they seem so irritated by mailmen is a mystery to me. Of course, many things about dogs are a mystery to me.

2:52 PM. Company in the back yard. Three deer are here licking up bird seed below the feeders. I am busy watching them and feeling my hunter origins rearing up. Twitching my tail. They’re a bit big for me to take down, however. More’s the pity.

4:49 PM. Watching the road for any sign of the staff’s car. Come on, staff, where are you already? I’m getting impatient here.

5:15 PM. The staff finally walks in the front door. It’s about time, I was going to send a search party after you.

6:03 PM. The staff is making dinner. I’m busy supervising. My staff always requires serious supervision with such things, after all.

6:31 PM. Having dinner. The staff is having brussel sprouts with her lamb chops for some strange reason. I’m just having cuts of lamb. Reminds me of a nursery rhyme for some reason. With seasoning.

9:06 PM. Musing on what came first: the belly rub or the purr.

11:31 PM. The staff is off to bed. Very well, staff, have a good night. But keep the door open. I expect to come up at four in the morning and start meowing at you for no reason at all.

A Day In The Life Of A Dog

With a brand new year it is time once more for the point of view of the resident dog and cat, starting as always with the hound...

7:31 AM. Waking up at home. Dreamed of chewing on a mammoth bone. For some reason a palaeontologist kept yelling at me to stop.

7:32 AM. Looking outside. More snow outside. Oh, good!

7:35 AM. The human comes downstairs. Well, hello there, human! How about some breakfast?

7:39 AM. Gobbling down a big bowlful of kibbles. Yum yum yum!

7:42 AM. Say, human... how about letting me out for a run? There’s all that lovely fresh snow out there. And I feel like getting out and about and having a ramble about in that white stuff. Just as long as you don’t apply that Towel of Torment to me when I get back. I mean, I was a very good dog over Christmas, wasn’t I? Doesn’t that earn me the right to dry off by the fireplace?

7:45 AM. Out dashing through the snow. The fresh powder feels good!

7:48 AM. Barking my head off while running through the field. It occurs to me that if I were trying to sneak up on anyone, they’d be hearing me coming from a long way off. Fortunately being stealthy is not on my to do list for today.

7:55 AM. Stopping in to see Spike the Magnificent, Tormentor of Squirrels. Good morning, Spike!

7:57 AM. After customary doggie greetings, Spike and I discuss what our humans were up to the other night. Apparently watching balls drop and everyone counting down and yelling about a new year in some fashion constitutes a pressing activity for humans. You know, Spike, between us, I think humans can be really weird at times.

7:59 AM. Spike and I discuss the notion of resolutions for this new year. Well, humans might feel obliged to try all that, but we’re dogs, and we’re very good dogs, perfectly well behaved. Dogs don’t have to modify our behaviour, do we? Oh, I’m sure the mailman would disagree, but they’re evil, so their opinion doesn’t count.

8:03 AM. Well, Spike, I’m off. I’ve got an appointment with a nice and toasty warm fireplace mantle to keep, and I think I’ll stop by the property where that cranky cat lives to give her my regards. What do you mean, you don’t think that’s a good idea?

8:12 AM. Stopping by the place where the cat lives. Pausing at the tree line. Looking at the windows. Well, now... there she is. Up on the windowsill. I don’t think she’s noticed me. Well, I’d better approach with tail wagging to signal my good intentions, right? Of course right.

8:13 AM. Crossing the snowy lawn while wagging my tail. The cat’s noticed me.

8:14 AM. And she’s not happy. Not with all that hissing and foul mouthed grammar no doubt going on behind that glass. Oh, come on, cat, why can’t we just be friends? I mean, I’m not such a bad dog when you get to know me. Don’t believe anything the mailman says. Or the vet. I mean, sure, I’ve occasionally been inspired to bark at you to surprise you when you’ve been sleeping out on the deck, but that’s all in fun, don’t you see?

8:15 AM. Well, despite whatever else I might be attempting in trying to show that I can be trusted, the cat seems bound and determined to loath my very existence. I don’t know why, I mean, as far as I’m concerned, I’m a very good dog, you know. Why do I get the odd sense someone’s laughing?

8:16 AM. With the cat expressing all sorts of coarse language about me and venting her fury, I have decided that discretion is the better part of valour and it is time to leave. Farewell for today, cat. Maybe tomorrow you’ll be in a better mood.

8:18 AM. Back into the woods. Looking forward to the fireplace at home.

8:32 AM. Coming up to the back door. Barking to signal my return. Human! It is I! Loki, Annoyer of Mailmen and Chewer of Slippers! Open the door so that I can claim a prime spot by the fireplace and dry off!

8:35 AM. The human opens the door but prevents me from getting inside to the beloved fireplace. Instead I find myself subjected to the rigours of the Towel of Torment applied to my damp fur. Human, I’ve told you this before, but there is nothing wrong with the smell of a wet dog.

8:39 AM. I finally get to settle in by the fireplace for my nap. Circle around three times on the living room floor and settle down. Two circles are not enough. Four are too many. Three is just right. Kind of like Goldilocks and the Three Hyenas. It’s hyenas in that story, right?

11:55 AM. Waking up from nap. Ah, good, it’s before lunch. Time to mooch.

12:03 PM. Scarfing down a dinner roll thanks to my patented mooching. Yummy!

1:28 PM. Barking my head off at the mailman as he drops off letters in the mailbox. Human! Let me out! I’ll tear a chunk out of his arm! Just open the door!

4:32 PM. Musing on the meaning of life. Is catching a stick what it all comes down to?

6:22 PM. Dinner with the human. For the record, bacon pancakes are delicious.

11:43 PM. The human is off to dinner. Fear not, human, for I, Loki... Annoyer of Mailmen and Chewer of Slippers, am on guard duty, bound and determined to protect this house against squirrel invasions or incursions by evil vets and mailmen. If that means I have to bark at a bump in the night at four in the morning, so be it.