Redford and Newman Never Swindled People This Way

Once upon a time, two con men named Gondorff and Hooker engineered a con to take a nasty piece of work crime boss for everything they could get. One setup, hook, tale, wire, and shut out later, they had the mark right where they wanted him, and swindled the bastard for all they could get.

Those were the days. Now con artists have moved off in another direction.

Internet scammers, the modern day scourge of technology. And like the cockroaches they are, if one of them is around, you can count on there being more.

Over at his blog, Mike Saxton regularly rakes them over the coals. There are common threads to the typical internet scammer messages, of course. Mistakes in grammar or punctuation. Sob stories to gain your sympathy. The promise of huge amounts of money. You can find his blog right here for more examples.

For the most part, my junk filters in email work just fine. Usually they catch the typical sort of junk we all get. Ads for whatever product or service some babbling chimp (oh, sorry, marketing executive) thinks we need. In the last few weeks, however, I've been getting some classic internet scam emails. One of them even borrowed the identity of an actual British lord. I wonder how His Lordship feels about identity theft.

The following message is one ludicrous example:

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Date: Mon, 14 Mar 2011 11:47:56 -0700
From: stella.samuel1@hotmail.fr
Subject: GOD BLESS AS YOU READ.
To:

GOD BLESS AS YOU READ. DEAR BLOVED, Greetings,I am Mrs .Stella Samuel. an aging widow suffering from long time illness. i am currently admitted in a hospital here in Abidjan cote d' Ivore, from all indication my conditions is really deterioration and it is quite obvious that I won live more than months, according to my doctor, I have some funds I inherited from my late loving husband. Engr Samuel Martin,  the sum of USD .($7.900.000.00) dollars(Seven Million,  Nine Hundred Thousand US Dollars) in a prime bank in Abidjan. and I need a honest and God fearing person who have the feelings of human that can use this funds for God's work and 30% out of the total funds will be for your compasation for doing this work of God. my late husband died after five years,and during the period of our marriage we could 't produce any child. and after my husband death I inherited all his business and wealth. So i saw your email from internet and decided to contact you.  Please if you would be able to use these funds for the Lord's work kindly reply to me. May the Grace of our Lord Jesus Christ the love of God and the sweet fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with you and your family's Amen. Your Sister In The Lord. MRS .Stella  Samuel. Classic signs of the typical Scammeritis Annoyingus species there, ladies and gentlemen. Deplorable grammar skills. The sob story. The promise of big bucks. She's even trying to appeal to religious sensibilities. Hey, for all she knows, I might worship Odin! Almighty Odin, smite down this pestilence.... She, he, or they would like to have the suckers who buy this believe that she's a decripit African lady on her deathbed, who just happens to have millions of dollars she inherited from her dead husband (whose surname doesn't even match hers, to boot) in an African bank. How many African engineers do you know who have millions of dollars? Discounting the ones who engineer weapons? Exactly.  This is the image the scammers want you to associate with this sob story. In fact, this is probably what she really looks like. Of course, there are inevitably people who are gullible enough to fall for this. If only one in a hundred people who get this respond, that's enough. The scammer at the other end of the email will have their hooks in the mark, and soon enough, will have bled every bit of money they can get out of the gullible fool. If internet scammers had been around in the days of Exodus, all it would have taken was one plague of them on Egypt. The Pharoah would have called Moses in. "Moses, take your people and leave! Go! And if you don't mind, will you drop some Nigerian scammers into the Red Sea while you're going?"

Revenge Of The Inappropriate Ringtone

Well, I had such a time writing the last installment that of course there had to be more. No doubt this may become an ongoing feature.

Some days ago I heard the trilling ringtone of a cell phone, with an abomination as the person's preferred ring tone. It was, unfortunately, this infestation.

That song, ladies and gentlemen, is one of the most irritating songs of the last fifty years. And now that you've clicked on it, it's stuck in your heads for the next few hours.

So, let's continue on with the theme of inappropriate ringtones that we left off with yesterday.

Let's say you're a defendant in a trial (innocent until proven guilty, except in Texas). Or, for that matter, you're a lawyer or judge. Either way, this tune might not be a good choice for your ringtone.

For that matter, if you're a straight woman or gay man, and securely comfortable in your preferences, you might want to avoid using Katy Perry's breakthrough as your personal ringtone. Your guy might look at you strangely.

Visiting someone whose family member was killed by the Manson gang? Don't have helter skelter as your ringtone.

Going back to my notion of bad ring tones for therapists from yesterday, there's this classic that ought to be avoided. Your patients will thank you for not having that start to sound when they're on the couch in your office. They don't need to hear about maniacs, thank you very much.

What if your therapy is directed towards a group of people with fear of flying? Obviously, this Chantal Kreviazuk tune is not an option for your  personal ringtone. Neither is Tom Petty's opus. The title alone will get them thinking about falling out of planes. And forget this one too.

Are you a white guy? Forget using rap for your ringtone. Just forget it. You look supremely silly. If you do, well, I'm gonna knock you out.

Let's say you're the head of the DEA. Or a politician known for being strictly anti-drugs. There's no excuse for using Hendrix or this stoner classic for your ringtone. It'll send all the wrong messages.

In Alcoholics Anonymous? Well, as infectious and fun as this song is, you can't use it for your ringtone.

Attending your mother in law's funeral? Delete this song  from your ringtone. That's the last thing you want interrupting the funeral. Your spouse will want to kill you.

Let's say you're in the military. Well, you might like John Lennon, but these sentiments  might not go over well at work, so avoid using it as a ringtone.

On trial for arson? Got a taste for being a firebug? Well, you don't want to incriminate yourself, so this is out of the question. So is this.

Attending the Louvre? Want to make an impression that you're impressed by the culture and the history? Want to avoid being seen as a heathen? You might want to avoid having Shania saying she's not impressed as your ringtone while standing in front of the Mona Lisa. The French will not like you for it.

Are you a bomb squad member? You might want to avoid using this Britney Spears song as your personal ringtone. After all, Oops is a word that we don't like hearing coming from a bomb squad technician, so....

In fact, if you use any of her music as a ringtone, I'm sending the hounds after you.

Live in Vancouver? London? No doubt you're used to the rain. Well, veryone else lives with it too. And they hate it. So, for your own sake, avoid using this Amanda Marshall song  for your ringtone. You might get slugged by someone sick and tired of rain for the twentieth straight day.

Let's say that you're a Bond Girl. You've managed to survive until the end of the film. Well, after James ditches you, you really ought to refrain from using this Carly Simon classic as your ringtone. Unless your future boyfriend or husband is a spy, it's going to get to him. He'll always know that the best sex you ever had was with that suave British agent you spent a couple weeks with, running around the world in exotic places and battling supervillains, Tea Party leaders, and Alaskan mama bears (yes, they're all the same person) in hollowed out volcanoes.

Finally, I submit to you this future scenario. It's the year 2029. A dystopian, dark future for one side. A glorious future for the other. In Washington, D.C., President Chelsea Clinton resides in the White House, her heart heavy. Her nation has just fought and lost a war with Canada. It's a war started when her daddy, still a skirt chaser in his wheelchair, pinched the bottom of Governor General Avril Lavigne three years ago.

Canadian troops occupy every state capital. The Canadian Prime Minister (yours truly, by the way) sits smugly at her desk in the Oval Office, victory in his grasp. She wonders how a country with a population tenth the size of her own could defeat her military so soundly. Now she must sign a negotiated peace, signing over Alaska, the Pacific Northwest, and New England to become Canadian territory. Her Republican arch rival, Senator Bristol Palin, is somewhere cackling with glee.

Right about now would be a really bad time for her cell phone to go off. Even worse if her ringtone is Blame Canada.

The Curse Of The Inappropriate Ringtone

During a Christmas holiday two or three years ago, I was back at the family homestead. One of my brothers and his family were up too. Around six in the morning, with darkness still looming outside, I woke up to a strange sound. Talking. I went downstairs, hearing this peculiar voice. It was slightly nasal, low pitched, and vaguely English, going on and on about waking up.

It was, in fact, Stewie.

I don't watch Family Guy, but I've seen enough clips to recognize the voice. It was barking in a condescending way, going on and on... and then I found the reason why this annoying evil voice had invaded my sanctum: it was the alarm clock function on my brother's cell phone.

Cell phones these days feature your own personal ringtone, of course. You can customize them to have different ringtones for different people. If you're a teenager, for example, this comes in very handy. For your girlfriend, boyfriend, secret crush, or stalkee, you might select their favourite song. For your dad, you might get him to ask "What do you mean you totalled the car?" and loop it over and over as his customized ringtone. For your mom, you can ask her to say the word nag, and loop that so that when she's calling you, you'll hear your phone chirp up, "Nag, nag, nag, nag, nag."

I don't have a cell phone. If I did, would I go with a ring tone? Hard to say. If I wanted it, what would it be?

Me being me, it would have to be something like this:

The Imperial March

or

Ave Satani

Norma and I got to talking about inappropriate ringtones. She mentioned a Sunday School teacher whose cell phone interrupted the service. The ringtone? Is this appropriate for church? I think not!

A marriage counsellor would have to be careful about their particular choice for that matter. Somehow an appreciation for this Sara Evans song might be the wrong choice when it goes off during a session with a couple whose marriage is on the rocks.

Funeral directors need to be mindful of this sort of thing too. This song might tend to upset mourners trying to grieve for loved ones if their cell phone buzzes during a visitation. Come to think of it, that song would probably annoy anyone with musical taste.

How about a high-end escort who prizes discretion with her clients? Well, as much as I love Old Blue Eyes singing it,  The Lady Is A Tramp coming from her cell phone while Elliot Spitzer is accompanied by a lady of the evening just can't end well, can it?

Psychologists need to be mindful of this too. Yes, Doctor, you might love Cocoapuff cereal, but the Coocoo For Cocoapuffs jingle won't inspire your patients if they hear that from your cell phone during their therapy. Neither will this classic. Come to think of it, avoid using this one too. Not just because it's a Madonna song. That's reason enough, sure.

If you're a serial killer, you might want to avoid this one as your ringtone. It'll lead to no end of trouble, believe me.

And if you're an accountant who's a skinny, small sort of person who has a problem staying on your feet in a good stiff wind, well, I'm sorry, but this is off limits. Stop running up those steps to mimic Stallone too. It just looks silly.

Finally, here's one that's inappropriate in almost every setting. Unless you work in a shop catering to certain adult entertainment clientele:

Yes, Meg Ryan at her best.

Imagine being in church, the PTA meeting, court, or anywhere else, and hearing Meg Ryan faking an orgasm.