Kansas Will Want To Murder Me For This

I have an image blog for you today. Enjoy!

Captain America Faces The Raving Lunatic

Awhile back I posted another blog that played around with the prospect of Kevin Smith directing the upcoming film. I knew I'd follow it up with this. A note before I begin: there is a real Youtube clip out there, and yes, there really is a raving lunatic who does go by many names (AvengersCaptain, CaptainAmericaAddict, Megagirl, and many more) who infested the internet with that damned clip of a nobody trying to get the role for a couple of years. I haven't checked lately, mind you, so I assume he's now safely locked away in a place with padded walls and neatly fitting restraints.

And so, let's begin....


Lunatic Disrupts Comic-Con Press Conference, Makes Idiot Of Himself

San Diego (AP) The annual entertainment and fan expo Comic-Con saw an unusual disruption this week during a press conference featuring cast members and crew for the new Captain America The First Avenger film. Director Joe Johnston, legendary Marvel creator Stan Lee, and cast members Chris Evans, Hugo Weaving, Stanley Tucci, and Tommy Lee Jones assembled before a packed panel for the press and fans to take questions and speak about the process of making the film, which tells the World War Two adventures of the costumed hero Captain America.

To be followed by the inevitable adult porn version....

Evans, playing the lead, has been down this road before, playing the Human Torch in two Fantastic Four films. Weaving, playing the arch-villain the Red Skull, has a wide ranging resume, from the villainous Agent Smith in The Matrix films to his role as Elrond in the Lord of the Rings trilogy. And Jones, the acclaimed character actor, has even been in the superhero realm once before, as the villain Two-Face in Batman Forever, a film many attendees at the Expo would like to forget. Lee, of course, can be counted to turn up in every Marvel film made; the general consensus is that it's all he does these days.

The panel was just getting underway when one of the fans began to disrupt the proceedings. A man, somewhere between 25 to 45 in age, marched forward through the crowd, ranting incoherently, coming up to the table where the five panel members were sitting. "This piece of filth isn't Captain America!" he bellowed, pointing at Evans. "Captain America is a true blooded hero! He's a patriot! He's not this weasel!"

Evans looked puzzled, and so did everyone else on the panel. Johnston called, "Could we get security?"

The intruder turned and faced the crowd. "I've spent the last four years demanding that the only person who has any right to play the greatest character in fictional history is, of course, Big Ben."

A collective sigh of dismay and disgust rose up from the fans. The reporters looked confused. Most reporters, in this reporter's opinion, often are. "The football player?" a Reuters correspondent asked.

"That disgraced sprinter who got kicked out for steroids?" another reporter asked. "Isn't he, well, the wrong race?"

"Surely you can't mean the horse Big Ben," yet another reporter suggested.

"No! I'm talking about the most famous Big Ben ever!" the intruder proclaimed.

"The landmark in London?" This question came from an Entertainment Tonight reporter.

The intruder rolled his eyes, and held up an 8X10 photograph of a vacant looking blond man. "This is Big Ben! Look at him! He looks just like Cap! He was meant to play him! He's an award winning actor, he's really popular and everyone who ever saw his Youtube clip loves him! He's the miracle that was meant to be the Star Spangled Avenger! And I'm his biggest, biggest fan! I've spent a lot of my time, when I wasn't in the lunatic asylum, advocating on his behalf to get him cast in the role. But he didn't listen to me!" The intruder pointed his finger at Johnston. "You returned all my letters unopened, my suggestions turfed aside. You and your studio had a restraining order placed against me!"

"Oh, crap, not this lunatic," Johnston muttered.

Weaving sighed. "This is the guy you warned us about?"

Jones shook his head. "I've heard the horror stories."

Lee shrugged. "I had a restraining order put against him too, which is odd, because usually I like getting all the attention I can get, but this guy was just too weird. Excelsior!"

"Why do you always finish off whatever you say like that?" Evans asked Lee.

"Like what? Excelsior!"

"Ladies and gentlemen, security will be here shortly," Johnston assured the crowd. "In the meantime, pay no attention to the raving lunatic."

"I'm not a raving lunatic!" the raving lunatic objected. "Bold Ben Ryan is the greatest actor of all time, and he was born to play Cap! Cap lives! Ben is America's Golden Boy! He's won acting awards! He told me so! I'm supporting my hero, okay? You just don't like muscular guys! Big Ben doesn't take steroids! He doesn't have to be fake crap like that Evans guy! You aren't fit to tie his shoelaces, Evans! And he wants me to play Bucky!" The lunatic advanced on the stage. "I demand that you withdraw all copies of that dreck you've filmed! And I demand that you make a whole new film with Bold Ben Ryan playing the lead and me as Bucky."

"You really do need help," Jones remarked in his usual deadpan voice. "I mean, a platoon of doctors, a lot of sedatives, and forty or fifty years in a padded room."

Lee nodded in agreement. "Son, you've got some issues that you need to resolve, such as the line between reality and fantasy. 'Nuff said. Excelsior!"

Security strode into the room, walking up to the deranged lunatic and dragging him out of the room. The fans cheered, and the panel continued uninterrupted.

The lunatic goes by many names, which according to fans this reporter spoke to at the Expo he used in many aliases in multiple sites, spamming his adoration of his idol many times despite all sense and reason. He was booked for observation at a local psych ward under the name Irwin Tannenbaum, where doctors have begun a thorough examination. He has been frequently heard throughout the building screaming the same phrase over and over again: "Bold Ben is the Golden Boy!"

Clearly, Tannenbaum has issues. If he still has family, they're not coming forward. Not that this reporter can blame them. Would you want to claim this deranged lunatic as your brother or son or nephew?

Out of curiousity, this reporter tracked down the actual "Ben Ryan", who has spent the last three years in seclusion at a remote Wyoming farm since the clip hit Youtube. He looks gaunt and tired, a far cry from the "Bold Ben" the deranged lunatic trumpeted about. "Look, please, just leave me alone. People have been laughing at me and heckling me for years. I was drunk and stoned when I did that video, and somehow someone stole it and got it online. I lost my job, my pride, my dignity. And I got some total bloody lunatic sending me mash notes all the time. I'd really like to forget that ever happened, and keep working on my sobriety. Nothing good ever happens when I get stoned and drunk."

And out of further curiousity, this reporter found the Youtube clip in question. It was, in short, an abomination. This reporter has seen many terrible and wretched things in his time, travelling the world. Mass murder in Rwanda and Bosnia. Warfare in Afghanistan. Bloodshed in Mexico. The Conservative Party of Canada's annual meeting. Tea Party rallies. Jennifer Aniston fan clubs.

This two minutes of sheer horror was even worse then all of them put together.

The Sentinel of Liberty, The Foul Mouthed Director, And The In Flight Adult Situations

I first wrote this a couple of years ago. Before the actual film was set up with a director and crew, I played around with this fake news article. I'm planning on doing a followup sometime soon.

One note: the reference to the bodybuilder nicknamed "Big Ben" who tried to have himself cast in the role? It's a real thing. This nobody put together a Youtube video, which was profoundly cheesy (and by profoundly I mean that as a vast understatement) trying to get attention for himself, expecting it would naturally get him cast as the lead in a big summer motion picture. Unfortunately a couple of lunatics posted the damned video all over the internet under various names. For a long while, they just wouldn't shut up...

Anyway, without further ado....

Smith To Direct The First Avenger

New York (AP) Marvel Studios has announced the director of the upcoming film The First Avenger: Captain America. Kevin Smith, filmmaker behind Clerks and Dogma, occasional comic book writer of such titles as Daredevil and Green Arrow, has signed to helm the much anticipated project.

Smith appeared at a news conference yesterday with Marvel Editor In Chief Joe Quesada, Marvel legend Stan Lee, and three cast members he has already chosen: DJ Qualls, Elizabeth Banks, and longtime collaborator Jason Mewes. "Kevin and I go way back," Quesada told the group of reporters assembled for the news. "And I know he'll be perfect to tell the story of Captain America. In fact, I'm betting the whole future of the company on it."

Smith laughed at that, and then went into discussing his vision for the film. "See, people don't find Captain America all that funny. I think he could be a riot, if you do it right. Which is why I'm going to do the whole thing as a comedy. I've cast DJ here as Captain America... "

At that, there was a collective gasp from the reporters. Qualls is indeed an unlikely choice for the role. He's a small sort, maybe 120 pounds soaking wet, and he's played slackers or hackers in film and tv projects like The Core and Lost. When asked what he could bring to the role, Qualls replied, "Man, I don't know. I just got called up by Kevin here, and he said he had an idea for a film he wanted me in. I'm playing Captain America? Kevin, what the hell have you been smoking, dude?"

Smith retook control of the conference. "It's an odd choice, sure. But come on. There was this idiot on the net claiming this bodybuilder he called Big Ben should be cast as Captain America. The guy posting all this crap all over the place was a moron. As if I'd ever cast some anonymous twits' fantasy boy as the lead in a major motion picture." Smith added that he himself will be playing Crossbones. "I'm a big guy, and I'm planning on using a mask just like the character to hide my ****ing ugly mug. And my bro there, Jason? He'll be playing the Red Skull."

Mewes launched into an expletive filled rant about the casting choice. "****ing right I'm the ****ing Red Skull! I'm gonna ****ing blow the audience away! It's gonna be ****ing legendary!!!"

"I'm going for a record of curse words in a Marvel film," Smith explained. That's why I've brought in Jason. Unfortunately, this time I can't use my Silent Bob persona to play Crossbones, so Silent Bob won't be about. Which brings us to our lovely Miss Banks, who's appearing in my latest film, Zack and Miri Make A Porno. She'll be cast as Sharon Carter."

Banks smiled at the introduction. "It's going to be a lot of fun playing a kick ass agent. And just to make sure we're catering to an adult audience, we're going to have the first pornographic scene in a Marvel film too. See, Cap and Sharon are going to have a graphic sex scene in a fighter jet, and the whole state of Utah will be up in arms at the very thought of it."

As for Lee, the man who did so much to put Marvel on the map? "Well, you know, I do have a habit of making cameos in these films. It's the only thing I really do with my time these days. Kevin here wants me in for much more then a cameo. He's got me playing Bucky."

News of the film devastated former Batman Forever and Batman & Robin director Joel Schumacher, who was determined to direct a Captain America film. He has announced to the world that his next film will be called Major Liberty featuring a star spangled hero in a nipple costume.