Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Wednesday, March 8, 2023

The Academy Awards Ordeal

The Oscars are coming up this weekend. I of course will not be watching, as I'd rather go hang around with angry vipers than watch that. But it's been a tradition in my blog for some years now to write about how the night should go. As always, I'm working my own continuity into it, particularly events from previous years. 

Confused? You will be.

120 hours before the Oscars are set to kick off, fans will be already camping out around the Dolby Theatre in Los Angeles, awaiting the big event. They will spend their time speculating on who's going to win, who's going to wear something ridiculous, and who's going to throw a tantrum. Along with that, they'll be annoying local shops by asking if they can use their restrooms, and keeping the Ubereats drivers busy.

The producers, Ricky Kirshner and Glenn Weiss, will meet with ABC network executives. They will promise that this year they'll have the ceremony done on time.

The ABC president will sigh, and reply, "whatever you say."

2 days before the ceremony, at a funeral home in the greater Los Angeles area, morticians will undertake the annual touch ups of the late Jack Nicholson, who died during an Oscars several years ago, and whose will stipulates he must be present in the front row of every Oscars until the end of time. They're used to this by now, of course, but the annual digging up of the corpse is, admittedly, still a weird thing to do.

Leonardo DiCaprio will be attending a therapy session with his psychologist, who will be trying to get to the bottom of two things: his deathly fear of Marisa Tomei, and why he can't date a woman past her twenty fifth birthday. "Leo," the psychologist will say. "This has become a meme, you know."

"You don't understand!" Leo will say. "I can't date women my own age! They remind me... they remind me of her! And she causes me pain!"

"Leo," the psychologist will say, "Marisa Tomei isn't here..."

"Don't say her name!!!!!!" DiCaprio will insist.

The psychologist will write notes: Tom Cruise Syndrome.

After last year's fiasco in which Will Smith, winner of the Best Actor, had earlier in the night struck comedian Chris Rock, there will be much speculation in the days ahead of the ceremony as to how the matter will be handled. After all, Smith has been banned from attending for ten years because of that fiasco.

Chris Rock, who's done quite well for himself since in terms of general sympathy from the public, will still be enjoying the spotlight after his recent stand up show where he poked more fun at Will and Jada Smith.

In an effort to keep the world's biggest ego from attending, Weiss and Kirshner will arrange with her doctor to have Barbra Streisand booked into hospital for an emergency rhinoplasty the day before the ceremony. Once inside, she will be put under anaesthesia of a sufficient amount to keep her sleeping for the next thirty six hours.

On the morning of the ceremony, Weiss and Kirshner will meet with their host, Jimmy Kimmel, returning to host for a third time. He will assure them, while crossing fingers behind his back, that he'll do everything in his power to keep the show's run time from going over the expected time.

Tom Cruise, barred from attending by a restraining order after multiple years of insane stunts and break-ins for previous Oscars ceremonies just to call attention to himself, will be fuming at home. "I'm a producer too! When Top Gun Maverick wins Best Picture, I should be there!"

He will unleash this year's plan to break in.

Weiss and Kirshner will meet with their designated enforcers, the only two people in the ceremony allowed to inflict violence: Tommy Lee Jones and Marisa Tomei, who have generally done their job well- but last year when that whole Chris Rock and Will Smith thing happened, were occupied with other matters. Weiss and Kirshner will stress the need to keep things in good order in case things go off the rails. Jones will reply, "it's the Oscars. Of course it's going to go off the rails."

At home, Will Smith will be watching hours of pre-ceremony footage, feeling sorry for himself. After all, no one's been calling to cast him in any roles since that whole little dust up last year, and he's wondering if they ever will. "Jada, honey?" he'll call out. His wife, upstairs boinking the pool boy, won't respond.

Jack Nicholson's corpse will be placed in his usual spot in the front row. A group of seat fillers, specifically paid extra by Weiss and Kirshner to keep him company, will take their places around him.

At home, John Travolta will be busy getting ready to go out. Fixing his tie and looking into a mirror, he'll say, "now come on, Joseph Tarrington, don't keep getting people's names wrong all night."

Weiss and Kirshner, going over last minute details, will come to that point when, discussing the March of the Dead sequence, whether or not they should include the actor Julian Sands, who disappeared while hiking in January and whose body hasn't been found yet. "Rick, look, it's respectful," Weiss will say.

"Yeah, but what if he's still out there somewhere, maybe an amnesiac?" Kirshner will suggest.

"This isn't a soap opera," Weiss will point out. "Look, let's just flip a coin and settle it that way."

The arrival of stars on the red carpet will begin. Entertainment reporters, being gushing idiots by nature, will ask, "so who are you wearing?" Actors will either sigh and move on, or if they love the attention, will answer. Onlookers will wonder who that person is, not knowing that they're nominated for Best Director this year.

Chris Rock will make his way through the gauntlet, smiling, as content with life as he can be.

At home, Jada Pinkett Smith, fresh from boinking the pool boy, will be sitting down with her husband. She will see Rock on screen. Will Smith will look sheepish while she glares at him. "Baby! I hit him last year!"

At an undisclosed location, Cruise will be busy preparing his secret plan to get into the Oscars. Instead of some elaborate highly dangerous scheme involving several desperate waiter-actors and a washed up Chachi, this year he's going to resort to a different kind of Mission Impossible technique, courtesy of a prosthetic make up artist.

Going in masked, as his character from Tropic Thunder: Les Grossman.

James Brolin will arrive for the event, despite not having had been in any film worth mentioning in a few years. Reporters will ask him where his wife is. "Barbra? Oh, um, I think she's getting a nose job done."

In hospital, Streisand, still under the influence of anaesthesia, will stir. Somewhere deep inside she'll feel like she's supposed to be somewhere else.

At their California residence, Harry and Meghan will be home, having had not scored an invitation to the Oscars. Harry will be trying to go through the budget, despite not having much of a brain for it. It will escape him that at the rate the Sussexes are spending money, they'll be broke in two years. Meghan, meanwhile, will be watching closely, in between writing notes on her laptop in regards to her secret project: Depose Charles 2025.

The seat filler to the right of Jack Nicholson's corpse will wonder if he just moved.

John Travolta will arrive at the ceremony, spending time on the red carpet, even though he hasn't made anything really worth critical attention lately. He'll chat with entertainment reporters, consistently getting their name wrong, and look over his shoulder as Bjork passes by, wearing a combination of purple tuxedo, fake muskrat on her head, and firework cane. "Hey! Did you see her? That's Beryl!"

Cruise will be impatient as the makeup artist finishes up touches on his Les Grossman prosthetic makeup. He'll already have the body padding on under his oversized tuxedo, and his shoes have lifts to give him an extra three inches of height. Nearby, Scott Baio will be watching, with nothing else to do. "You sure you don't need me to come with you?" 

"Shut up, Chachi!" Cruise will snap at him.

Chris Rock will chat with Tommy Lee Jones and Marisa Tomei, asking them to be close by when he's on stage. "Just in case we get another incident. But believe me, all I'm going to do is take a shot or two at the Smiths tonight."

"That's fine," Jones will say. "It's not as if I'm ever going to do another Men In Black film with him anyway, and that was pretty funny last year."

Tomei will nod. "We were falling about laughing."

Katherine Heigl and her wife Katherine Heigl will arrive at the red carpet. Ever since the two met while this reality's Katherine Heigl was searching alternate realities for her soulmate- herself- the two have made a spectacle of themselves by being exhibitionists, not to mention raising concerns about the ethical considerations of breaching the walls between worlds. The two women, finishing up work on their self-directed film When Katherine Met Katherine, will be making out as they make their way up the red carpet, despite not being in any film for years. 

The producers of the Razzies will be watching, and preparing to include the Katherines in multiple categories next year for worst of the year in films.

Leonardo DiCaprio will turn up in the auditorium with his date, a twenty four year old model whose birthday will be in July. She already knows she'll be looking for a new relationship by August. He will look around, and spot Marisa Tomei down near the stage with Tommy Lee Jones. He will start to tremble.

Marisa will turn, look across the crowd, and see DiCaprio. She'll smile in that sweet way of hers, and then draw one finger across her throat to mimic a throat being cut- and point directly at him.

DiCaprio will feel a deep sense of panic overtake him.

The ceremonies will get underway. Jimmy Kimmel will do a combination of movie outtakes with himself inserted before he actually appears on stage and starts poking fun at a few people along the way. Most will take it in stride. Some will mutter expletives under their breath. His remarks about Prince Harry and Meghan not being invited will be met with a loud round of laughter. 

At home, Meghan will add his name to her ever growing Revenge List.

John Travolta will laugh. "That Joey Kidder guy is hilarious!"

At home, Will Smith will look up at his Oscar on the mantle and shake his head. "I should have been there. I should have been basking in the glory. But Chris ****in' Rock made fun of my wife, and I had to go up there and smack him. Baby, I'm sorry, you're right, I'm a lousy husband.... baby?"

There will be no reply. Jada will be upstairs boinking the chauffeur.

Cruise, in character as Les Grossman, will head out of his home to a waiting limo. Scott Baio and the makeup artist will come out after him, and Baio will call out, "anything else we can do?"

Cruise will snap, "Shut up, Chachi!" He'll get in the limo.

Baio will feel sad as the limo drives off. "I was also in Charles In Charge!"

The first award will be given out. The winner will start to give their speech. After twenty seconds the orchestra will start up in an attempt to hint at the winner to hurry up. This will merely make the winner snap at the orchestra, "Don't even think about it. I've got a lot to say." 

The orchestra will stand down. This will set the tone for the evening with long acceptance speeches.

The president of ABC, who spent last year's Oscar night in hospital after getting beaten up by the winner for Best Score, won't even be bothering with trying to keep the ceremony on time. He'll simply get himself rip roaring drunk.

Will Smith will be getting drunk too, lamenting his fall from grace. Jada will come down the stairs, walking a little funny, while the chauffeur takes a back staircase out of the house. She will join her husband, glaring at him with a venomous expression. He'll feel every bit of it. "Jada, honey, I know... I know..."

"Silence, Will!" she will command.

At some point, Jennifer Lawrence will get up from the seats to head for the backstage in order to be in place to announce the winner of a category. She will trip over her own feet, part of her secret kink that she gets an erotic thrill by tripping in public.

Chris Rock will take to the stage to announce another winner. Before doing so, he'll smile, look straight at the camera, and say, "Will! Jada! How're you doing? All cozy at home? I bet you miss being here." The line will be met by a lot of laughter.

At their home, Jada will start a high pitched scream of fury that will go on without so much as a breath for three minutes. Will Smith will try to shrink into the couch, wondering what he was thinking when he decided to get married.

Tom Cruise will arrive for the ceremonies, playing the part of Les Grossman, sneering at the little people around the red carpet, his mind only on what lies ahead: revenge and retribution.

Cruise will take a seat, trying not to call attention to himself. Elsewhere in the auditorium, Travolta will look back, spot 'Les Grossman', and mutter to himself, "I've seen that guy before, right? Oh, in that film Torpid Torrent. Yeah, that's Lyle Guberman." 

Winners will continue to be announced. Losers will shake their heads and wonder who they have to bribe to win an Oscar. Winners will bask in their glory. Long speeches will be made, and the ceremony run time will fall further behind.

Leonardo DiCaprio will find himself torn. On the one hand he'll be already planning how to dump his current girlfriend the night before her birthday. On the other, he'll be sneaking glances over at Tomei and Jones, trembling in fear over what she might do to him.

The March of the Dead will commence, featuring video clips of those actors, directors, writers, and other notable members of the film world who have died in the last year. People will applaud for deceased actors. They will ask "who's that" in regards to dead cinematographers. Among the actors being commemorated will be Julian Sands, with footage from A Room With A View, and disappeared in brackets following his name. This will become known as one of Oscar history's most awkward moments.

In a small non-descript town in the American West, a place given to endless stories of betrayal, romance, evil twins, the seemingly rapid aging of children into young adulthood, villains who never get their comeuppance, and cliffhangers every day, a recently arrived stranger with a British accent and a raging case of amnesia, will look up at a television screen in a hospital and see his own face. "Wonder who that bloke is."

At a given point, video footage of Will Smith striking Chris Rock with the caption Will Smith's career, will be displayed among the dead. This will get much laughter from the audience. 

At home, Will Smith will get yelled at by Jada.

Chris Rock, sitting in the audience, will find the reference to Will Smith's career hilarious.

John Travolta will shrug, and say to the person sitting nearby, "I guess Walter Sutton's never going to find a gig in this town again, huh?"

In hospital, Barbra Streisand will wake up, realize she's late for the Oscars, and start throwing a fit.

Meghan will turn and tell Harry that she wants an Oscar. "Now, Harry, now!" she'll snap at him.

Weiss and Kirshner will be backstage, trying to figure out how the ceremony is running seven hours past its expected time.

Jones and Tomei will be scanning the audience from their position. Jones will feel as if someone who's not supposed to be here is in fact here.

Tom Cruise will bide his time, sweating a bit under the prosthetic mask, wondering when he can make his move.

At home, Will Smith will pass out from having had too much to drink. Jada will be upstairs, boinking the gardener.

Barbra Streisand will find out that the Oscars ceremony is nearly over and she won't have enough time to get to the auditorium anyway. She will glare at the doctor, yelling, "Do you know who I am??????"

The doctor will smirk, turn to a nurse, and say, "She doesn't know who she is."

Streisand will scream even more at being insulted.

The ceremony will carry on. The awkward point where Best Actress, usually presented by the winner of the Best Actor award from the previous year, will be lacking that, what with Will Smith being banned from attending. Instead, the producers will rely on an old standby. Warren Beatty will present the award, and promise that this time he won't screw up on naming the winner.

Tom Cruise will select his moment to get up and reveal himself: precisely the moment when the nominees for Best Actor begin to be read.

Leonardo DiCaprio will try to summon up the courage to shut down his fears. 

Scott Baio will find his way home, feeling sorry for himself. "It's not fair!" he'll tell mutter to himself as he parks in the garage. "I was supposed to be somebody! They said the happy days would last forever, but they didn't, and every time I try to call Ron Howard or Henry Winkler, they tell me to go **** myself."

Barbra Streisand's agent will take a call from her, hearing her shrieks of outrage at being prevented from attending the Oscars again. "Do they know who I am????"

The agent will wonder if it's time to retire and stop taking calls from this egomaniac who hasn't done anything of note in years.

Jessica Chastain will come out on stage to present the Best Actor award. In the audience, nominees Colin Farrell, Austin Butler, Brendan Fraser, Bill Nighy, and Paul Mescal will all be hoping they don't screw up their acceptance speech if they win.

Before Chastain can say a word, two things will happen all at once. Two voices will call out, "wait!" at the same time, from two parts of the auditorium. One will be Leonardo DiCaprio, standing up from his seat over to the left. The other will be Tom Cruise, still in Les Grossman attire, further back but near centre. 

"There's something I have to say!" DiCaprio will exclaim, heading towards the stage. 

Cruise will yell, "me first!" At this point he will tear off the Les Grossman mask and throw it to the ground.

John Travolta will say, "Lubbock Gaerity is actually Travis Carruthers??"

DiCaprio will stride towards the stage, apparently not noticing Marisa Tomei and Tommy Lee Jones starting to move. He'll take the mike and start to speak. "I've been treated really unfairly, you know...."

Cruise will jump onto the stage, pushing at DiCaprio. "No one's been treated as unfairly as I have! You have no idea! But now everyone's going to listen to me..." DiCaprio will grab Cruise by the collar and the two will begin to struggle.

At this point Tomei and Jones will be on stage and will pull the two combatants apart. DiCaprio will turn, see Tomei there, and she will promptly deliver a punch aimed square at his nose, breaking it. Jones, for his part, will strike Cruise in the face twice, sending him flying.

This will be followed by further mayhem, violence, and a good deal of crying.

The Oscars ceremony will wrap up eight and a half hours after it was supposed to. The Best Picture will not be presented to Top Gun Maverick, which didn't even deserve to be nominated.

Guests will depart out into the glaring light of day, exhausted by the ordeal of attending this thing every year.

James Brolin will return home to find his wife Barbra Streisand fuming as he comes in. "Where were you????" she will scream. 

Marisa Tomei and Tommy Lee Jones will take their leave of the auditorium after another evening of Oscar enforcing, looking none the worse for wear. "Same time next year?" Jones will ask. Tomei will nod.

At a hospital not far from the auditorium, Tom Cruise will be treated for broken ribs, fractures in both legs, multiple bruises and contusions. He will only be able to utter incomprehensible nonsense, aside from "stop hurting me" three times a minute.

In another room at the same hospital, DiCaprio will be treated for a broken nose, whiplash, broken ribs, and a broken arm. He'll be heard by staff from outside the room yelling, "Marisa Tomei causes pain!!! Keep her away from me!!! She broke my nose again!"


  1. I like your version and now don't have to sit through the real thing, which I wouldn't do anyway.

  2. I really don't pay attention to the Oscars. I honestly thought they had them already.

    You'd make a good host for the Oscars with this as your speech.

  3. I don't plan to watch the Oscars. Your version is way more entertaining anyway.

  4. Oscar winner speeches should be a priority. Yet, big show opening and skits for ratings take up time the speeches should have. It goes beyond stupid.

    I do fairly well chosing winners despite not having seen any new films in years.

  5. Splendid commentary. Having only ROKU, I was prevented from seeing the bloodbath. Thanks to you for spelling it out for me!


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