Impatience Of An Internet Scammer

No matter how many times we ridicule them, ignore them, refuse to publish their spam comments, they never give up. Of course it's the spammers and the scammers, desperate for attention and desperate to pawn their crap in our blogs or in our email. For the last couple of weeks I've been getting one bit of repeat spam in my comments section that never sees the light of day, as I don't approve the comments. Only the name changes (and it's not the sort of name you'd expect for someone living in Hanoi, because it's not as if Brandie, Lane, or Kira are actually living there). It's an identical comment, right down to the url line, for a review of a gynecological clinic in Hanoi. Oh, yes, that's the sort of comment I want in my posts. 

And then there's the always reliable internet scammers, who continue to send me endless amounts of emails such as the following. 

Dear Valued Beneficiary (Last reminder).

On behalf of the World Bank, the United Nations (UN), the United States

Treasury Department, The International Criminal Police Organization,

ICPO or INTERPOL, Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) and the Central

Intelligence Agency (CIA), it has been identified that you were in

several contacts with people in various EU Countries, United States of

America, United Kingdom-London, Malaysia, entire Africa Region,

the entire Asia Countries and the entire Middle East without you knowing

their operating locations.

The World Bank has pledged that all scam reconciliation payment should

be made by a reputable bank via any chosen/preferred payment method.

After a judicial review by the World Bank and the G20 Summit. The United

Nations have carried out a judicial due diligence and we hereby confirm

that these impostors operates with false promises by the form of fake

diplomatic services, fake online banking system, fake lawyers, fake

intimate online dating love and fake security firms/companies.

Consequently, the UN has by virtue of this constitutional power and

authority wish to inform you that the sum of (One Million, Five Hundred

Thousand United State Dollars Only) will be paid to you with the view of

making sure that you receive this fund, via a scam compensation

agreement once we ascertain your bonafide status that you have lost

money through any means mentioned above.

For effective compensation processing, we want you to reconfirm the

following information ASAP:-

1) Your full names.

2) Your telephone and fax numbers.

3) Your secured address for the delivery of your Visa ATM Debit Card.

Once we receive information above, we shall advise you accordingly.

We await your urgent attention.

JOHN GLENNON,

PAYMENT COORDINATOR.

Isn't that nice? A last reminder. And I'm a valued beneficiary. No, wait, let's get that right. A "Valued Beneficiary". Because it just wouldn't be an internet scammer if they weren't capitalizing words that don't need to be capitalized. 

Our friend says that all these agencies, including the CIA (can we have the Agency send out the equivalent of Tom Clancy's John Clark to deal with these internet scammers? I'd be ever so happy) say that I've been identified as being in contact with people in "various EU countries, United States of America, United Kingdom-London, Malaysia, entire Africa Region, the entire Asia Countries and the entire Middle East without you knowing their operating locations."

And that's nice too. Apparently I've been in communication with not only people from Malaysia and the entire Middle East, but the entire Asia Countries as well. As if Malaysia and the Middle East aren't part of Asia. And seriously? Asia Countries? Africa Region? Who the hell talks like that? Internet scammers, that's who. People whose command of the English language is shaky at best and so come across sounding like Google translate screwing up big time. 

He uses the standard big money as bait concept, writing it out in letters as opposed to numbers (some of these nitwits do both). And somehow, despite wanting to come across as a high powered official (with money to just hand out), this dumbass can't even write United States right.

He chatters about fake lawyers, fake diplomats, fake online banking, fake online dating, fake security companies... but the only fake thing here is this scammer. Throwing out the same old story about millions up for grabs for people who have been scammed by internet scammers. All handed over to a VISA ATM debit card. Isn't that nice?

Well, first off, Dumbass MacBloodyPrick, I haven't been scammed by internet scammers. Second, unlike the rube somewhere on that list of half a million email addresses you sent this to, I know your tactics and your games. Third, and this is for the record: I disapprove of your continued existence. Cease wasting oxygen at once. No, not in ten minutes. At once. 

I know full well that none of this will dawn on you. In fact I know that posts like this will inevitably draw your attention and that spammers and scammers will circle around like the vultures they are, looking for an opportunity.

No, wait a minute. Wait a minute.

I take that back.

I've insulted vultures, who have a valuable purpose in life, by comparing you to them.

My apologies, vultures. You're cool. And hey, maybe you can do us all a favour and start feasting on some of these internet scammers.