Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Monday, August 1, 2022

A Day In The Life Of A Dog

Once again it is time for the point of view of the dog and the cat. As always, the dog gets the first word in, since he gets so easily distracted by literally everything.

7:01 AM. Waking up at home. Slept well. Dreamed of running on a beach. And chasing something called a crab. Which is odd, because I've never been near an ocean.

7:05 AM. Looking outside. Some dark clouds in the sky. Maybe the humidity might break today. I'm really hoping so. We could use some cool weather. You try going around all day in the heat wearing a fur coat and see how you like it.

7:19 AM. The human comes downstairs. I thump my tail furiously on the floor in greetings. Good morning, human! Say, by any chance have you put any thought into my breakfast?

7:21 AM. The human is busy pouring me a big bowl of kibbles for breakfast. 

Oh boy oh boy oh boy...

7:22 AM. Licking my chops after finishing off breakfast.

That was good!

7:25 AM. Inquiring with the human as to if she can let me out for my run. After all, it's better to get that in before the real heat of the day sets in.

7:26 AM. The human lets me out the back door. See you later, human!

7:41 AM. Running through the back fields, barking my head off, having the time of my life.

7:50 AM. Stopping in to see Spike the Magnificent, Tormentor of Squirrels. Hey, Spike!

7:51 AM. After the customary doggie greetings, Spike and I discuss matters of great importance. The consistency of Milkbone. The movements of the squirrels. The certainty that somewhere, somehow, every single second of the day, a dog is mooching a treat.

7:54 AM. Spike suggests I get home quick. The weather appears to be turning. Good advice, Spike.

8:03 AM. En route through the woods. Have stopped when I hear the chatter of a squirrel. Following the sound halfway up a tree. There he is. That damned squirrel. And he's laughing at me.

8:05 AM. ... and don't be just sitting there chattering away and working your paws around an acorn. If I could climb trees I'd be after you so fast. Bloody squirrel, I have no idea why you even exist...

8:09 AM. Interrupted from barking at the squirrel by the first raindrops. Oh, right. 

One of these days... you're going to get yours!!!!

8:13 AM. The downpour really commences, and I'm still ten minutes or so from the house. Oh well, I'll just get soaked. As long as there's no lightning.

8:21 AM. Barking at the back door to alert the human to my presence. Human! It is I! Loki! Chewer of Slippers and Annoyer of Mailmen! Let me in!

8:22 AM. Two things happen all at once. There's a mighty burst of lightning and a roll of thunder. At the same time the human opens the door. I sprint past her. There's no time for the Towel of Torment, human! The lightning is here!!!!!

8:24 AM. The human finds me down in the basement pacing around. She begins applying the Towel of Torment. Oh, come on, do you not hear that thunder out there? Some things are more important than the smell of a wet dog.

8:27 AM. The human finishes toweling me off and says that it's just thunder and lightning and it's perfectly normal. It is not just thunder and lightning! It is something profound and malevolent and it's out to get me and the cats must have something to do with it...

10:46 AM. I come upstairs after the thunder finally seems to have gone away. Boy, I'm tired.

I find the human having coffee. She gives me a cookie as consolation for the whole thunder ordeal.

12:35 Lunch with the human. She gives me a ham and cheese sandwich.

1:28 PM. Barking at the mailman as he drops things off at the mailbox and drives away. Get lost, you fiend!

3:20 PM. The human is having tea. I am mooching a cookie from her.

6:41 PM. The human is having dinner, and has given me a plate of stewing beef. This is good!

For whatever reason she insists on having hers with brussel sprouts.

8:22 PM. Lying in the living room pondering the great mysteries of life. Where does lightning come from?

11:19 PM. The human is off to bed. Good night, human. Sleep well. But keep the door open. If there's more thunderstorms in the night I'm racing upstairs and hiding under your bed.


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