Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Monday, December 13, 2021

A Day In The Life Of A Cat

And now it is time for the perspective of the cat, that divine being who knows all and sees all and does not like being woken up until she's ready.

7:10 AM. Waking up. Slept reasonably well. Dreamed of being in a field of catnip.

7:12 AM. A look outside through cold windows. Snow on the ground. Any catnip out there is buried. Winter will be lasting another five months. I will just have to get my staff to buy some catnip for my needs over the course of the winter.

7:19 AM. Waiting on the staff to get downstairs and see to my breakfast. I know she's awake. I've heard her moving around up there. Come on, staff, get to it.

7:23 AM. The staff finally comes downstairs. It's about time. Do you realize I've been awake a whole thirteen minutes and haven't had my breakfast?

7:24 AM. Speaking with the staff about my breakfast requirements. No field rations, are we understood? I want meat and I want milk. Preferably the meat on a pre-chilled plate, but that would have required you getting up a half hour ago and putting the plate in the fridge for that optimum enjoyment of breakfast.

7:26 AM. The staff sets down my breakfast. The milk and plate of tuna agree with me. The bowl of field rations does not.

I sigh with dismay and start eating that which I want.

7:29 AM. Finished with the milk and meat. Making a point of disregarding the field rations. One of these days she might get the hint.

7:40 AM. Sitting on the back of the couch, staring outside. Off in the distance I can hear the barking of that foul hound. Have I mentioned I don't like dogs?

7:45 AM. The staff is on her way out the door to that work place she goes to most days of the week. Staff, don't forget to pick up some milk on your way home.

7:53 AM. The Weather Channel is predicting snow tonight. At least it's not the guy who used to panic every time there was more than three centimetres in the forecast and tell us that we were going to have to cannibalize the dead. I wonder what lunatic asylum he ended up in.

10:21 AM. Waking up from a nap. Slept well. Dreamed of roller coasters. It occurs to me I've never been on a roller coaster.

10:30 AM. Checking the television. More Christmas specials. Yuck. Turn it off.

I hope my staff doesn't get it into her head to invite her idiot relations over. Because if they show up here, there won't be peace on earth, there'll be hell to pay.

11:34 AM. Feeling a bit hungry. Deciding to go check out the kitchen.

Oh, right. There's only field rations out in the open.

11:35 AM. Despite my personal disdain, I eat some of the field rations.

12:07 PM. The noon news. The local reporter is talking about a guy dressed like Santa arrested for robbing a bank. 

I can just imagine any home schooled child right now watching this and seeing Santa get perp walked by the cops out the front door. 

Traumatized for life.

To which I say, good.

3:50 PM. Waking up from another nap. One can never have too many naps.

4:06 PM. Sharpening my nails on the scratching post. Which inadvertently unleashes some residual catnip scent. Uh oh, that's about to send me into a frenzy....

4:53 PM. Lying in the staff's bed coming down from a catnip high after sprinting through every room in the house. 

5:17 PM. The staff comes home. I watch her walk in, remaining composed. Hello, staff, did you remember the milk?

5:20 AM. Supervising the staff while she puts away some groceries. Milk: yes, very good.

6:22 PM. The staff and I are having dinner. She's given me a plate of cut up steak. For whatever reason she insists on having broccoli with hers. 

There are times I really don't understand human beings.

6:45 PM. Supervising the staff while she does dishes. I'd help, staff, but I don't have the opposable thumbs to pick up dishes, and I really don't like getting my paws wet.

8:02 PM. The staff is insisting on watching one of those Hallmark Christmas movies. Staff, honestly, we've spoken about this before. Those are all cheesy sentimental claptrap with the same plot and the same rotating set of actors playing the same generic roles. It's porn level acting without the sex.

That's it, I'm taking my leave of this nonsense.

8:39 PM. Keeping out of the way in the basement. Playing cat billiards on the pool table. Which consists of me batting the balls into the holes. The only problem with this game is that I can only play it once before the staff has to come down and reset the table.

9:57 PM. Coming back upstairs. The staff is bawling her eyes out as the Hallmark movie ends.

Honestly, staff, you have the worst taste in movies I've ever seen.

11:29 PM. The staff is off to bed. Good night, staff. Sleep well. Tomorrow night, try reading a book instead of watching really bad Christmas movies.

Watch a good one.

Die Hard is a good Christmas movie.


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