Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Saturday, April 13, 2019

Rise Of The Internet Scammer


They are the damned. The lost to us all. The cursed and the accursed. The hopeless. I speak of course of the legions of spammers and scammers out there infesting our junk email and our junk comments. They never take a hint. We don't publish their comments. And if they somehow do get past the filters, we delete them promptly. But it doesn't stop them. As they've proven endless times, after all, they're really stupid, even commenting on posts just like this that insult and belittle them.

I've had quite a bit of internet scammer material coming into my email junk folders as of late- so much so that some of it vanished recently, as it was older than a cut off point at which Outlook automatically deletes it. A bit of a shame, as one of them claimed to be from William Barr (aka Trump's stooge), and I wanted to write an entire paragraph disparaging that asshole in the strongest terms. Oh, well, stooge and asshole will have to do. Anyway, this one was still in place. Many of the usual internet scammer tell tales are there, as you can see.


Dear Our Valued Customer,

RE: TRANSFER OF YOUR US$29,600,000.00 DOLLARS FUND

Sir, Thank you for your response we just want to prove our credibility
and sincerity to you and clear your mind that TRANSFER CHARGES will be
deducted from the  US$29,600,000.00 DOLLARS as soon as is the Account is
ACTIVATED.

All you to do is just to REACTIVATE this account with the sum of $960
only because is DORMANT now.

However, you would be required to fill complete the transfer form and
provide to us all the necessary information stipulated on the form below and
return back to us immediately to enable us proceed with the transfer of your
Inheritance fund into your bank account without any delay

Your Full Name:
Your Contact Address:
Your Phone Number:
Your Age/Occupation:
Next of Kin Name & Address:
Nationality:
Scan copy of your Identification:
Bank Name:
Account Holders Name:
Bank Address:
Account Holders Name:
Bank Account Number:
Routine Number:
Swift Code:
Bank Phone Number:

We are waiting your immediate response with your information to enable
this bank proceeds with the transfer of your fund and serve you better.

Thank you for Choosing Branch Banking & Trust Company.
Yours Faithfully,
Mr. Clarke R. Starnes
Chief Operating Officer Branch Banking & Trust Company.


Variations of this one show up repeatedly, though I think this is the first time I've seen the name they're using. As it turns out I looked it up. There is a Branch Banking & Trust Company (which surprised me, since it sounded utterly fake) and a Clarke Starnes among its executives (another surprise, because that name sounded fake. One must wonder what they think of getting co-opted by scammers like this.

Because that's what our scamming scammer is. Capitalized letters where it's not needed, including entire words being capitalized (which in computer protocol equals screaming). Dangling a fortune in front of you. Terms like Dear Our Valued Customer. 


Well, first off, jackass, I'm not your valued customer, since before I got this I never heard of the actual Branch Banking & Trust Company. And they, in writing to a real customer, would use the customer's bloody name.

The scamming scammer uses the promise of 29.6 million dollars as a hook. Supposedly an inheritance. Unlike most internet scammers, this twit actually comes straight out and mentions the inevitable fee- $960 to reactivate an account. If you're dumb enough to click or reply to such scams, at some point the scammer will bring up those activation or advance fees to get the money out of his war torn/ disaster hit/ Godzilla slammed country that was overthrown by the late general/ president/ spawn of Satan. But this one actually brings up the fee straight out.


That money, of course, is, if you buy the scam, the only money that will actually change hands, as the scammer vanishes after pocketing that once or twice. Three times for the truly gullible. He asks for all that personal information (that a real bank would have). Oh, yes, I want my personal information and identity in the hands of an internet scammer. What's the worst that can happen, right?

Nice try, genius. You might get more luck from one of the other five hundred thousand people you've sent this bullshit to. Me? I'd rather have you explain why you go through life trying to scam people to... oh, let's say....

This guy.

Monday, April 8, 2019

Just One Magical Word To Say


“Billy Batson, I choose you as champion.” ~ The Wizard

“Dude, just messing around! You look at me and you’re like, ‘why so dark? You’re a disabled foster kid, you’ve got it all’!” ~ Freddy Freeman

“You will beg for mercy…” ~ Sivana 
“Are you making some, like, big evil bad guy speech right now or something? You’re like a mile away from me, and there’s traffic and cars and stuff! All I see is mouth-moving.” ~ Shazam 
“…as I feast on your heart.” ~ Sivana 
“Awww, whatever, screw it!”~ Shazam


The adventures of Billy Batson, aka Shazam, previously also known as Captain Marvel (no, not that Captain Marvel) have been around for decades, a magical take on the superhero genre featuring a teenager able to transform into a hero of might with just the uttering of a word. Initially appearing in Fawcett Comics and later folded into the DC comics world, the character has been capable of going toe to toe with Superman, a hero with the wide eyed imagination of the youth he otherwise normally is. The comics version can be, well, rather convoluted in his backstory. Now the character turns up in the DC cinematic universe in a light, fun romp that features a dual performance for the title character by two actors, and one seriously scene chewing villain played by an actor who specializes in that sort of thing. Shazam! (the exclamation mark is indeed in the title) makes for a good addition into the DC world of film.


We meet a young Thaddeus Sivana in 1974, transported to a place called the Rock of Eternity, an ancient magical temple, by an ancient wizard named Shazam (Djimon Hounsou). The wizard is seeking a new champion, pure of heart, after his first one turned evil (a harbinger for a sequel). Sivana is tempted by the Seven Deadly Sins, spirits trapped within rock in the temple, and so the wizard banishes him back to Earth. Thaddeus is not pleased by the turn of events, and so is doomed to end up one day being played by an actor who specializes in playing nasty fellows.


In the present day, we meet the orphaned teenager Billy Batson (Asher Angel) as he ends up in a foster home while seeking out his mother. He makes friends with another resident, Freddy Freeman (Jack Dylan Grazer), a disabled teen with an interest in all things super hero. Sivana, who’s grown up into the thoroughly disreputable Mark Strong (having a ball chewing the scenery), has been obsessed with returning to the Rock of Eternity. He discovers a way, frees the Sins, becomes their champion and gains powers. The dying wizard selects Billy in the midst of an act of bravery into becoming his champion- with the uttering of his name, Billy becomes an adult hero (played by Zachary Levi), gifted with strength, flight, and other abilities, taking on the mantle of Shazam. Of course it’s just a matter of time before Shazam and Sivana cross paths.


A live action adaptation of the characters has been in development for a long time. Earlier ideas included Dwayne Johnson playing the previous ancient champion and antagonist Black Adam (he will be playing that role in a solo film and the inevitable sequel to this one). That character is referenced in the story, but it’s another villain for Billy Batson that takes centre stage, as well as a cameo by yet another. The story, by Henry Gaydon and Darren Lemke, takes much of its inspiration from the comics material, updating it for contemporary settings, with the themes of power and worthiness, the wide eyed view of a young teenager in an adult body (and more of that as the story goes along), and the bonds of family- even a less formal one- playing out throughout the film.


The script has a light touch- there's none of the nihilistic tone of Suicide Squad or the brutal, dark tone of Batman V Superman. It’s a film that has fun with itself and the superhero motif, even while taking it more seriously as needed- when the villain raises the proverbial stakes. But not too seriously. It is, in effect, the comic book version of Big, except instead of Tom Hanks, we get an adolescent turning into a muscled hero who can fly (after a few hard lessons). This is a welcome thing. And the film sorts out what in comics can be an ungainly concept. Having had read some of the older material for the character, with its group sharing of the power among family, I found that older material to be, well, rather cheesy. The story as told here streamlines and makes welcome modifications to the dynamic of, well, the Shazams, with a contemporary feel. A teenager gifted with amazing abilities might have fun with it all at first, and not take things seriously, but rises to the occasion as things go along, and that’s how the film follows its protagonist as he shifts back and forth between teenager and adult.


Director David F. Sandberg has a background in animation and short documentaries before a couple of previous feature films, neither of which I’ve seen. And yet that kind of eclectic background in a director is an asset. It’s something that’s been a blessing for the Marvel cinematic universe directors, all of whom have come from backgrounds that you wouldn’t really expect for a blockbuster film director, and all of whom have done well with it. Sandberg does the same here with how he helms the film. The CGI has been well established in multiple studios by this point so that fantasy plays out before the audience as if it’s really happening.


The superhero genre with amazing abilities is well rendered- in this case fight sequences between characters of great strength feel real, and Sandberg handles such sequences well. And he doesn’t let the characters get lost in the muddle of action, which can happen with, well, a director like Michael Bay, if he was ever let loose on either comic cinematic universe. What I liked was how a magical place like the Rock of Eternity, often referenced in comics but new to the film world, is rendered in this film. It looks like what you expect, but with touches that the production team came up with that give the place its own signature. The casting department, in choosing not only the two actors playing the two halves of Billy Batson/ Shazam, also did well in choosing actors who play two counterparts of one character as the film goes along, separated by age but feeling quite plausible as the same person.


And speaking of the cast, all of them do well in their roles. Djimon Hounsou has appeared in both cinematic worlds- playing a supporting role in Aquaman, and a villain in Guardians Of The Galaxy and Captain Marvel. Here he gets a more sympathetic role as the ancient sage Shazam, a wise and long lived shaman who’s essentially the all seeing teacher (the Yoda of the film), albeit one who has regretted a long ago choice as a champion. His wizard is one weighed down by responsibility, and that’s how the actor plays him.


I mentioned that in the comics, the Shazam world could be convoluted, with multiple characters gifted with an aspect of the character. Most notably those are two characters, Freddy Freeman and Mary Batson, each given by Billy the powers he possesses and taking on heroic roles, but there are others. In the film adaptation, several of these take place, and it’s these two characters whose parts are played by four people. Mary Batson is Mary Bromfield this time out, a foster sister for Billy played by Grace Fulton when we first meet her, and an adult version played by Michelle Borth. Fulton’s take on the teenager is a sensible den mother sort of teen- taking care of her foster siblings and pondering her academic future, but down to earth, sensible, and grounded. Her adult, powered counterpart maintains these traits in terms of her personality, and Borth adds courage to the mix as well. The two actresses have enough of a common look to them that they feel like two versions of the same person, years apart in time.


The same applies for Freddy Freeman, who we see in most of the film played by Jack Dylan Grazer. Freddy may be disabled, but that doesn’t stop him from getting through life with spirit and energy. The youth quickly becomes Billy’s friend, a source of help thanks to his general knowledge of superheros (he can be described as something of a geek. Grazer gives his take on the role a snarky, gleeful touch at times, relishing the idea of helping a hero find his way. And as the film carries on and we see an adult version of the character, this time played by Adam Brody, that snarkiness is still present. Brody, once a member of the soapy The O.C., is probably an ideal choice at this stage for a geeky sort of kid in an adult body. The bantering energy between Billy and Freddy, played out between four actors, is one of the treats of the film as a whole.


It’s the villain who gets to be another of the strong assets of the film. Mark Strong is one of those actors who you love to hate when he plays an antagonist, something he often does, but not always. He gives a touch of ruthless menace to such a character, and that’s what he does here as Sivana. His character is quite different from the comic version, a mad scientist of short stature and pure ugliness. This Sivana, a brilliant scientist, is obsessed with what he briefly grasped, withdrawn and isolated from an abusive family, and, well, taller and more photogenic than his comic book counterpart. He straddles the line between science and magic, seeking power but not respecting the scale of that power. For him, the ends justifies the means, and Strong plays to that, all the while chewing the scenery in a delightful way and menacing the film as he goes along.


With two actors playing the same character at two ages, what becomes pivotal in a story like this is that the audience buys it. If the two actors aren’t playing the role with the same fundamental traits, the audience won’t. In this case they do. Asher Angel starts out as something of a delinquent, isolated with a troubled family history, finding a family in the oddest of places. And it’s an act of bravery- drawing bullies away from his foster brother- that shows his true nature. Fundamentally the youth is a good person, something that Angel brings across. And he feels like a believable teenager, the sort willing to goof off and not quite think things through, and yet when called for able to improvise.


Zachary Levi takes such qualities in his version of Billy, the adult sized hero. He might physically be an adult, but the character is still a teenager in terms of personality, with a wide eyed not quite thinking things through energy at first. Levi plays to that with a goofy sort of touch in how the character learns the ropes, confronting a real villain with a total lack of respect. Levi and Angel have enough of a physical resemblance that we can buy them being the same person, and given their way of playing the role, they give Billy the same mannerisms throughout. This is not Levi’s first foray into comics lore, having had played Fandral in Thor The Dark World and Thor Ragnarok, but here he gets centre stage. A question left unresolved for now- how on earth do you deal with the idea of a love interest? Because a teenage girl hanging around with an adult Shazam is going to end up looking quite creepy, and would a grown woman be able to relate to a teenager who occasionally looks like a body builder adult in red? Because he’s still a teenager in mindset. We’ll see if the story goes in such directions in a sequel.


A new character successfully enters the comic book adaptation with Shazam! Characters who can often be ungainly and cheesy in the older source material work quite well as adapted into the story. The dynamics of two halves of the same person, years apart in terms of age, played by two actors, works throughout the film. The thematic grounding of family that’s part of the character history establishes itself well. And the concept of a teen getting used to incredible power before realizing that he has to take things seriously plays out very well. The cast take to their roles in the right way in each case, especially the two actors playing the title character. And when you mix in a veteran character actor who seems to be having a ball glaring and menacing his way through the film as the villain, the combination makes for a welcome new addition to the DC cinematic universe. Though it leaves one wondering when the inevitable parody will turn up with a teenager yelling a magic word, getting struck by lightning… and ending up a charred corpse instead of a superhero adult.

Wednesday, April 3, 2019

Return Of A Witless Internet Scammer


Today we carry on with the infernal plague that finds human form. The internet scammers and spammers who keep trying to send spam comments into our posts, who fill our junk email folders with spam for useless crap and the usual amount of sob stories that hide the fundamental tell tales of an internet scammer. They will never take a hint and just take a long walk off a short pier. They will never understand what it means when we tell them to drop dead, rot in hell, or to use more colourful vocabulary, to go fuck themselves. No, they just merrily go along spamming countless people and sending garbage emails such as the following.


Hello Dearest

My name is Jeane Gad 20 years old girl, I am presently in Ivory Coast since the death of my father who was an Ivorian while my mother is from Toulouse France, both of them meet when my father reside in Toulouse France and they got married though, the marriage did not last long because my mother divorce my father when I was only 6 years old, in fact I don’t know my mother very well only on photos.

My dear, it is my intention to request for your assistance to be my foreign partner/trustee to transfer my inheritance money from here to your account in your country so i can come over to your country and establish a new life, The money worth of ($2.700, 000.00) Two Million, Seven Hundred Thousand US Dollars which my late father deposited in a bank here in Ivory coast. After the transfer i will give you 30% for all your effort to helping me.

Dear as am talking to you now my life is not safe here, I am hiding myself in one hotel because of my uncles, they are not happy with me because of my inheritance, they are planning to kill me by all possible means to enable them be in a better position to claim this money at the bank.

Please dear consider the painful condition I am now and help me, God bless you as you help me out. I will be waiting for your reply.

With love from Jeane Gad


Where to begin? Well, how about we start with all these overly familiar greetings. "Hello dearest. My dear. Dear."

To which I start by saying something else.

Fuck you!

I don't even like it if someone I like uses such terms, and you think I'd appreciate it coming from an internet scammer?

Because that's what you are, Jeane Gad, or whoever you really are. Some of the usual tell tales are there. The overly formal language that suggests it's not being written by someone with a normal command of the English language, the punctuation issues, the capitalizing of letters that don't need it and not capitalizing ones that do, the numerical and spelling out of a big sum of money that needs to be moved out of the country. There's the usual sob story of a dead relative, in this case her daddy, who just happens to have 2.7 million dollars lingering in an Ivorian bank and which she needs my help to move.


She tells us of the uncles who are planning to kill her because of her inheritance, claiming she's hiding in a hotel because she's not safe. Well, this totally fake hotel must have good wireless if you're sending this fake story out to hundreds of thousands of people hoping that one of them buys the totally fake story about the totally fake inheritance and the totally fake evil greedy uncles. 

Hey, lady (or whatever the hell you are, because as we've already established that Jeane Gad isn't your real name, and you could be a woman, a guy, or Jabba the Hutt behind that email), if your uncles were actually threatening you, you could just call the cops. 

But no, that would go against the grain of the totally fake internet scammer story. Which you expect us to believe.


There actually is a Jeane Gad in Ivory Coast, at least the LinkedIn profile for one. It claims to be that of a student. Perhaps that's real. Perhaps it's just part of the cover for this scam. But this scammer spins an all too familiar story of money, a tragic story, and the promises of riches, mixing it up with religious fervour along the way. "God bless you as you help me out," she says. How nice. I've heard that one before from internet scammers.

And of course she says, "I will be waiting for your reply." In which case you will be waiting for a very long time. Because I'm not replying back. No, I'm just going to use you as an object of ridicule. Maybe someone in that list of hundreds of thousands of people will buy it and send you off a few thousand dollars in advance fees before they get wise and realize they got taken as a sucker.

For my part, I just wish we could feed you to an overly cranky gigantic beast who likes demolishing cities. 

But you might give Godzilla heartburn.