An Annual Overblown Sports Extravaganza

Super Bowl About To Be Unleashed; NFL Fans Elated While Normal People Shrug

New Orleans (AP). It is the annual winter blowout game of the NFL. Along with endless commercials, a bloated halftime show that will leave people scratching their heads and wondering what that was all about. Couch coaches will be debating endlessly the merits of the game. Skeptics will be wondering how fixed the game really is. And those of us who don't really care about football in the first place will be wondering what the fuss is all about.

People have been gathering in New Orleans over the last few days, where Sunday's big game will be played at the Superdome and broadcast this year through Fox. This reporter has been assigned to cover the event by his editor, even though this reporter is not a sports fan (editor: the readers love your disdain for this whole thing, sorry. We'll make it up to you by not sending you to the Oscars). This reporter, heartened by that promise, has been spending time taking in the pre-game festivities and wondering what it is about this silly game that captivates so many Americans (editor: it's a mystery). 

The Philadelphia Eagles will be playing the Kansas City Chiefs, the two-time defending Super Bowl champion team. Much has been said about the prospects, with very little fan support for either team outside their respective markets, and some fans saying that a meteor strike would be preferable. Speculation has run rampant that the NFL has fixed the game. "Nonsense," NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell stated to reporters on Friday. "I mean, we love the Chiefs, but we also love the Pennsylvania Eaglets."

When reminded that the actual team name is the Philadelphia Eagles, Goodell shrugged. "I said what now?"

Much has also been made of the ongoing story of the Taylor Swift-Travis Kelce relationship. The singer and the Chiefs player have been a couple for over a year, creating headlines all the way. These days fans are speculating as to if an engagement ring is in the offing, or if this will all end in a revenge album when they break up. She's appeared regularly at his games, and many gossip and gush about the topic (editor: I have two teenage daughters. They're big fans. Of Taylor, that is). Speculation has ensued that a proposal might happen after the game, if the Chiefs win.

"We're busy focusing on the game," Quarterback Patrick Mahomes told reporters this week. "I mean, yeah, there's going to be a lot of distractions this year, but I just want to remind everyone that there actually is a game going on in the middle of all this glitz and glamour."

It might be hard to tell. If it's not Chiefs fans on the one hand, it's debates about Eagles fans on the other. Late in the season, one longtime fan was banned from Eagles games after saying horrid things to a fan of another team. An Eagles player, speaking on condition of anonymity, told this reporter, "that was way over the line. Unacceptable.  And from what I've heard, that guy's life has been destroyed. Look, I know our fans have a bad reputation. I mean, they're assholes, but they're our assholes, and we love them."

Also around this week has been the former Patriots coach Bill Belichick, who instead of just retiring already is spending time coaching at the college level and looking for a way to get back to the NFL level. He has been seen wandering about, looking as haggard as ever, asking team owners if they'd be interested in making him their new head coach.

Reached for comment, the owner of Belichick's soul had this to say. "That particular soul had lost nearly all of its value," Satan said from his domain of Hell. "But time runs short, and he'll be down here soon enough, I assure you. In the meantime, since it is Super Bowl time, I thought you might like to know about a former player who took up permanent residence in these parts. He's very unhappy these days, what with all the torture and the agony. But I'm sure you'll agree that if anyone deserves it,  it's O.J."

The halftime show promises to be as bloated and pointless as ever. Rapper Kendrick Lamar is headlining the event. "It's gonna be big, so ****ing big," he told reporters. "We got guest appearances, deafening speakers, pyrotechnics, a three hour set to do, and no ****in' Drake. **** that ****er."

"You said three hours?" This reporter asked.

It's going to be a long night. Filled with overblown hype and endless tedium. This reporter has already prepared the Tylenol supply for the cluster headache sure to come (editor: yeah, sorry about all that, but think of it this way. At least your former editor is still locked in that lunatic asylum after the multiple death threats.)

That isn't a comfort. In closing, maybe we'll get lucky and both teams come down with food poisoning.

Fear The Wrath Of The Cranky Rodent

It is Groundhog Day. We ourselves will no doubt get six more weeks of winter. This is a good thing. 

I have an image blog for you to enjoy, or weep over, if for some reason you don't like this best of all seasons. 

The Curse Of The Internet Scammers

 They are a vile and loathsome lot, and serve no purpose in life. They contaminate our email junk folders with get rich schemes and spam we couldn't care less about. They try to spam our comments with off topic nonsense that proves they're not paying any attention to what we're actually saying. I speak, of course, of that cursed sub-species of humanity otherwise known as homo sapiens spammeritis annoyingus, aka the internet scammer. This came through my email recently.

Please i need your help

GREETINGS AND BLESSINGS OF THE DAY TO YOU, I am Miss. Jane konan, Please can i trust you? to assist me to invest my inheritance fund in your country? and to help me to come over to your country for the betterment of my life and continue my education. I will be happy to hear from you.

Please, get back to me via my private email address:( missjanekonan1@att.net ).for more information.

BEST REGARDS,
MISS.JANE KONAN.

Well, this one is shorter than some of the essay length crap I tend to see. But the tell-tales of the spammer are clear to see. She (he, or it) starts out with all capitals in a sentence, which comes across as screaming. There are punctuation and capitalization issues in this brief bit of nonsense, such as putting a period after Miss, and not capitalizing the surname. You'd think they'd know this, but of course, Jane Konan isn't their real name.

They ask if they can trust me. About as much as I'd trust you, which is not at all. Because if this was real (it's not), I'd be rifling through that fake inheritance inside of a minute.

I mean, why not? It's the sort of thing whoever is on the other side of this long line of email addresses is willing to do to the poor sucker who actually believes it. Once they've got them hooked, they'll mention the 'processing fees' or 'administrative fee' of a few thousand dollars that must be sent first to free up that money. They're perfectly willing to screw people over that way.

But at any rate, I don't buy it. I've seen this all too often, and am wise to your ways.

Nice try, numbskull. You really must be desperate if you keep doing this, as opposed to... oh, finding an honest way to make a living. But it won't work on me. Maybe you'll get lucky and one or two people in that list of half a million random email addresses you've sent this off to will be dumb enough to believe it, and dumb enough to send that 'administrative fee'. 

Or maybe you'll just do the world a favour and drop into Middle Earth and run into this guy.

The Feast Of The Infernal Haggis

 Robert Burns Day is this week. I have an image blog for the occasion.