Time To Crush Their Dreams Again

NHL Prepares For New Season; Die Hard Fans Can't Take A Hint

Toronto (CP) It is that time of year again. Frosty nights are settling in. Leaves are changing. Apple cider is widely available. And the NHL is in pre-season games mode, with the regular season starting in days. Fans who have been hockey deprived since the playoffs (or even earlier, assuming their team even made the playoffs) are eager to once again see their teams in the home rinks play old rivals, while paying outrageous amounts of money for undercooked concession food without a second thought.

And for one team, hope springs eternal, even if that hope leads nowhere. It's been since 1967 since the sad sack Toronto Maple Leafs last won the Stanley Cup, not that you'd expect their fan base to remember. They spend this time of year rationalizing that surely, this year is going to be the year when all of that is erased, when the Cup comes home. They have high hopes, determined to see their boys win the Cup and hockey glory. And each year, in the spring, their hopes are shredded to pieces. Like clockwork, if you think about it.

"It's a mass delusion," sports psychologist Dr. Andrew Eddings remarked. "Leafs Nation wants desperately to believe that this year will be different, that all pieces will fall into place and their team will come home with the Cup. But if you look at team history, you can see that all of the pieces do not fall into place. They stumble and trip and blunder and collapse. Each time shattering the hopes and dreams of their fans, each time devastating them beyond belief. And then after a weekend of grief, bargaining, denial, and excessive drinking, they're right back to the 'next year' stage of insanity. It really is disturbing how people can't see the truth about them."

Bars in Toronto are doing brisk business, even while having to choose between pre-season games and the Blue Jays, who are heading into the baseball playoffs on a high note. But the bars always do brisk business, particularly on those nights when the Leafs blunder into disaster. "Don't tell anyone my name," an unnamed bartender told this reporter. "But the truth is, we're their therapists, the ones telling them it'll all get better someday. All while they put more booze on their tabs. The Leafs losing is great for business. Leafs Nations needs to drink to survive their screw ups."

"This year, baby!" a loud voice rang out as this reporter circulated in the downtown bars. It was the voice of a man who's been banned from being near the Stanley Cup, along with two of his friends, after they tried to hold the Cup hostage several years ago. They claim to be the biggest fans of all of Leafs Nation, which is saying something. "This is our year! Our boys are winning it all!" The man noticed this reporter, and stumbled over. "Hey, I know you, don't I? Yeah, we've talked about the start of the season before, haven't we? Yeah, think so, though last time I might've been more drunk. Anyway, buddy, you can feel it in the air. Leafs are going all the way this year, baby!"

When asked what he would do if certain patterns repeated themselves, he waved it off. "That's all in the past. And we're looking forward. Me and Harry and Jack, we just know that this year is the year. The Leafs bring the Cup home, and the dynasty begins. Cup after Cup after Cup, because that's what Leafs Nation deserves. We live and breathe Leafs adoration, baby! Go Leafs go!"

This reporter broke off, lest his IQ level be lowered just being in proximity to a die hard Leafs fan.

And so it begins. The 2025-2026 NHL season is about to be unleashed, and there is one certainty.

It will end ugly. For the Leafs.

Karen And The Baseball Of Doom

Hunt Continues For Elusive Phillies Karen; Movie Already In The Making

Philadelphia (AP) The better part of a month has now passed, and the mysterious Phillie Karen has yet to be identified. In an incident that went viral during a Phillies-Marlins game in Florida on the 5th of September, a father recovered a foul ball hit by Harrison Bader, and was about to give it to his son when a woman rushed in and demanded it as hers. Instead of making an argument about it, he handed it over to her, de-escalating the situation. The woman looked like a stereotypical Karen, ready to demand to speak to your manager, and proceeded to gloat and give the finger to others in the stands around her.

To their credit, both teams did some fast public relations. The Marlins gave the boy a goodie bag of team merchandise, and Bader himself met with the boy, giving him a signed baseball bat. Phillie Karen, as she has come to be known, left the stadium, became a meme, and the hunt for her true identity has been on ever since.

It's been a summer of poor behaviour by some adults in public settings. From the Coldplay concert that exposed an affair, largely thanks to the overreaction of the couple in question on a kiss cam, to a Polish executive stealing a hat from a child at a tennis game, a hat that a player had given to the boy. This incident has added to the record of adults behaving badly.

In the weeks since, while internet sleuths continue to try to figure out who she is, multiple memes have gone up with Phillie Karen, who even has the stereotypical Karen haircut, trying to grab things that don't belong to her from across pop culture and everyday life. There have been instances where women have been identified as the Karen in question, only to insist that they were nowhere near Florida, or have a rock solid alibi.

"It's exasperating sometimes," Karen Weston, a clinical psychologist in Philadelphia admitted this week. "I don't know where the Karen stereotype originated, and while I can admittedly laugh about the bad behaviour of certain women with that haircut, it's kind of bothersome to have my name attached to the stereotype. Please don't paint all Karens with the same brush."

For the record, Doctor Weston does not have a Karen haircut, and is known to this writer to be a soft spoken and unusually kind person who would never demand to speak to your manager.

This week, the hunt ramped up when a woman called in to Howard Stern's radio show, claiming to be Phillie Karen, while refusing to identify herself.  She rambled on and on in the shrill kind of tone that one would associate with a Karen. "It's a dog eat dog world out there, and this kid needs to grow up knowing you've gotta take what's yours, even if it means taking it from another kid. No regrets, believe me. I did the right thing."

Stern challenged her on that. "You know, that kid came out the winner in this whole thing, going home with a lot of swag and good memories because of both teams. You, on the other hand, if you are who you say you are, came across looking like a selfish ****ing idiot."

Karen sounded aggrieved. "I take what I want! Nobody tells me what to do! I want to speak to your manager!"

At this point, Stern cut her off.

Even though no positive identification has been made, Hollywood has already been ramping up pre-production on a film about the debacle. A Karen In The Outfield is the working title of a film to star Meg Ryan as Phillie Karen. Paramount has greenlit the film, to be directed by Rob Reiner, as a caper comedy. "Oh, it'll be fun," Reiner said. "I can't pass on a comedy, and really, with a story like this, the jokes really do write themselves."

Ryan has already started preparing for the role, meeting a group of Karens Anonymous, women who have had public meltdowns and are trying to better themselves and not be such a Karen ever again. She's asked them questions, heard their experiences, and their dismay at being filmed during their worst moments. "Everyone has regrets," Ryan told reporters. "Especially when your mistakes get played up for laughs. Which we'll be doing with this film. But that's beside the point."

Whoever Phillie Karen really is, she's been successful in evading being positively identified. But time will tell. A Karen of this magnitude in attitude will sooner or later blow her cover and have another Karen moment. Or someone she knows will just rat her out. Either way, it's just a matter of time. "Your average Karen either gets help or continues to be the way they are," psychologist Annabelle Cahill remarked. "But this one, she's Level Ten Karen. We're talking nuclear bomb level."

The last word comes from a statement made online from someone calling themselves Karenapocalypse3000. Writing in a Reddit forum, she said, "she is one of us. And we are her. And our time is near. The Karens will soon rise up and achieve our goal of universal domination."

In this reporter's view, that can't be good.

Return Of A Pumpkin Spice Latte

The first day of autumn is coming. As usual, I have an image blog for the occasion. Enjoy!

A Day In The Life Of A Cat

And now it is time for the point of view of that highest of life forms, the cat.

7:00 AM. Waking up at home. Slept very well. Dreamed of vengeance against my enemies.

7:03 AM. An examination of the exterior from the back of the couch. Some flying lunches out there pecking away in the grass. I wonder how soon we'll see frost. Fall is coming.

7:07 AM. Waiting on the staff to get downstairs. After all, it is breakfast time, and I haven't eaten in hours.

7:12 AM. As there's no sign of her yet, but I can hear her upstairs, I shall have to remind her to get down here by singing the song of my people, as loudly as I can.

7:20 AM. The staff finally comes downstairs. It's about time, staff. Did you know I was this close to sending a search party after you?

7:21 AM. The staff makes a remark about my singing. Yes, whatever. Now how about we get you going on my breakfast?

7:22 AM. Supervising the staff while she gets my breakfast ready. No field rations, staff, are we clear on that? I don't like field rations. 

7:23 AM. The staff puts my breakfast down on the floor. The bowl of milk and the plate of tuna meet with my approval. But she persists in putting down a bowl of field rations too.

The things I put up with....

7:25 AM. Finished with my breakfast. Milk and tuna were welcome. I have ignored the field rations. Time to give my staff a bit of peace and quiet before she goes to work.

7:40 AM. The staff is off to work. Well, farewell, staff. Do remember that we're low on milk, if you don't mind. And I could use some catnip.

7:43 AM. Sitting on the back of the couch, staring outside. Somewhere in the distance I can hear that foul mutt from down the road barking.

Stupid dog.

8:02 AM. Watching the Weather Network. They mention the cooling temperatures in the days ahead. And that suits me just fine. I'm not one for summer humidity as it is.

8:49 AM. I believe a nap is called for, if you ask me- and you are asking me.

10:55 AM. Waking up. Big stretch. A patrol of the house is in order. But first- I'm feeling a bit hungry.

10:57 AM. Disappointed to remember that the only food out in the open is that bowl of field rations.

Oh well, when in Rome....

11:25 AM. Making use of the scratching post. My claws are unleashing residual scent... oh, it's catnip. 

That'll set off catnip zoomies in three, two, one...

3:25 PM. Waking up out of a sound sleep. Catnip zoomies always end in me taking a long snooze.

Better assess what damage I might have done around the house before the staff gets home.

3:45 AM. Okay, so not too bad. Four scatter rugs upturned and in piles, but nothing busted. I'm sure the staff will look at them and mutter a few choice words of dismay.

5:10 PM. The staff arrives at home, bringing in groceries. Staff, for the record, I did that to the rugs in self defense. 

5:23 PM. The staff is putting groceries away. I approve of the milk.

6:33 PM. Dinner with the staff. She's made apple and bacon pancakes, and has cut up a couple into nice bite-sized pieces for me. Very good, staff, I approve.

8:10 PM. Lying on the couch, pondering the great mysteries of existence. Is catnip the meaning of life?

9:31 PM. Allowing the staff to give me belly rubs.

11:40 PM. The staff is off to bed. Good night, staff, sleep well.

And keep the door open. Or I will have to sing you the song of my people.