The African Lawyer Scam Gambit

They are the bane of my existence. And yours. They never stop, no matter how many times they've been ridiculed, no matter how many times they are not replied to. They can't find an honest way to make a living. They infest our spam email, and infest our comments with spam. And it never ends. I speak, of course, of that foul subspecies of humanity we call homo sapiens spammeritis annoyingus, the internet scammer and spammer. Such is the case with the following, which came through to my email recently.

Hello Friend,

I am Mr. Eric Kabanda, Lawyer by Profession, however this correspondent is private. I am a financial consultant to an investor from a Mineral-Rich Africa Country with a political background who wants to invest outside his Country.

As stated above, my client had approached me with a mandate to seek for a firm or reputable well-established individual that has the experience in investment management that can help him channel some funds into a profitable investment outside Africa, where he can get good yield for his money.

Due to the sensitive position he holds in his Country and the unstable
investment environment. My client has decided not to retain any of his assets in his country. Kindly let me know your acceptance of this offer and furnish me with a comprehensive draft of your terms and conditions.

Yours Sincerely
Eric Kabanda

Oh, sure, right. That's believable. About as believable as any other scam email I receive. We see the standard over formal tone, the capitalization of words that don't need it, and the third world setting involving an official who wants to move some money abroad and needs help.

Uh huh.

All that's missing is the usual money amount that's meant to entice the gullible.

You want my terms and conditions, friend? Okay, here they are.

Terms are as follows: eat dirt. Conditions: die.

Does that clear it up for you? Or was that too blunt for you to deal with? Because in some ways, I can be fairly blunt, especially in dealing with people I really don't like. 

And I really don't like internet scammers or spammers. 

Where's a well aimed lightning bolt when you need one?

The Fast, Furious, And Frustrating

 

Latest Script For Overblown Franchise Leaks; Fans Horrified

Los Angeles (AP) Be careful what you wish for. It's an old expression, and a hard lesson learned. Director Louis Leterrier has been busy prepping the eleventh film in the Fast & The Furious franchise (twelfth, if you include the spin off Hobbs and Shaw). Series star Vin Diesel has been vocal about one condition for the next film being that "Brian has to return." This, despite the fact that Paul Walker, who played the character, died during the production of Furious 7, with his role completed with the cooperation of his brothers Cody and Caleb for that film.

The studios have been tight lipped about how to approach that even while assembling the cast. Would the Walker brothers rise to the occasion and play their dead brother's character again, helped with some CGI? Would a dummy be used, a la Weekend At Bernies? Would Walker himself be resurrected from the grave in a voodoo ritual?

Now it appears to be too late to keep the secrets. A copy of the script has leaked online.

The film, slated to have a budget of 150 million dollars, will follow the ragtag team of racers (family, according to Diesel's Dom Toretto) who started out racing cars and ended up in globe trotting adventures with high stakes and no regard for gravity. The leaked script reveals that the film will be a short one, with all of the characters involved in a friendly stakes all out car race in Death Valley- a race that will end with all of them dying in a horrible crash.

And if that isn't bad enough, it gets worse. The entire group will find themselves coming to in hell, and standing there before them will be their old friend Brian O'Conner, former cop turned racer turned criminal turned retired criminal turned... whatever. The point is, all of them will be dead, stuck in hell. And despite the history of the franchise in getting characters out of bad places implausibly, this will be the end of the line. Once they all see Brian, the screen will fade to black, and the franchise will end.

"Look, truth is, we're all tired of this," Michelle Rodriguez said. "We're tired of the franchise, of the nonsense, of the lack of attention to physics... we're just tired. So it's time to move on and do something else. And yes, maybe that script might have gotten leaked by one of us. Or all of us. Or maybe none of us. The point is, this whole thing should have been called to an end seven movies ago."

Jason Statham, playing Deckard Shaw, agrees by concession. "And I didn't get into this until the second half. How long do you keep this up? You can't. So giving it the finality of all of us in hell... well, that's something I can live with."

Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson was in agreement. "There's only so many times you can go flying two hundred feet from one car to another onscreen before your audience starts with the 'yeah, I'm not buying that' logic. And I say that as a guy who used to be a wrestler. Or maybe still am. What day is this?"

The studio is running damage control. "That's not the script!" spokesperson Callie Drake promised. "And the cast are just playing a prank, pretending that they're tired of the franchise! Everyone loves working on Fast & Furious! Look, we'll get to the bottom of whoever released that completely fake script, because it's fake. Fast & Furious is going to go on forever!"

The last word belongs to the franchise lead. Vin Diesel had this to say. "It's about family. And fast cars, and big stunts, and oh my god how did they do that moments. And family. Did I mention family? And everyone loves family. And that's what we are. And that's what we do. So of course we're gonna keep comin' back. And back some more. And back again after that. Because there's no way this franchise will ever run out of gas. Now if you'll excuse me, I've gotta see someone about a voodoo resurrection spell."

Cheating Cheaters And Coldplay

 

Fallout Continues From Affair Exposed During Coldplay Concert; Man Refuses To Accept Responsibility

Boston (AP) Weeks after a Coldplay concert launched a thousand memes, the aftermath continues to resonate. Former Astronomer CEO Andy Byron and his HR side piece Kristin Cabot were caught cuddling on a jumbotron at a concert by the band in Boston, despite both being in other relationships. Both have lost their jobs, their relationships, and their dignity. 

It started with the pair reacting badly to realizing that they were on a jumbotron having an intimate interlude, and reacting by trying to hide. This was followed by Chris Martin, the band's lead singer, joking that they must be having an affair.

Their spouses have declared war, hired lawyers, and in short order have taken steps to end the marriages. Byron was swiftly removed from his position, with Cabot following shortly after, both humiliated by the storm of memes that followed. And there were many, inspired by their ludicrous reactions to being caught on screen. Many have said that if they hadn't reacted the way they did, no one would be wiser to it.

Byron has been criticized for public statements that appear to show him being out of touch and refusing to take responsibility for his own failings. He has lashed out at the band for putting him in that situation, and has mused about suing them for distress. Lawyers have said a collective "good luck" to that.

As noted, memes have been launched, with the world finding the entire matter amusing. Re-enactments on jumbotron screens with unlikely pairings and exaggerated overplay of their behaviour have been the rule of the day. Coldplay themselves welcome the attention being sent their way. Now even Hollywood is getting in on the action. A project was announced this week through the Hallmark Channel. Alison Bennett, part of the creative team for the network, released this statement on the company website. "We are entering production for a new film inspired by the moment. Our heroine is a wronged wife who takes her ex-husband to the cleaners and wipes him out financially after he and his mistress are caught in their affair during a concert. She decides to go back to her home town, where she meets the local sheriff, who's a gruff charmer, and she spends the rest of the film falling in love with him, saving her dad's bakery, and learning the value of a more quiet life."

Isn't that the plot of every Hallmark movie? And with pretty much the same rotating list of actors?

And the bigger studios are getting in on the action too. Michael Bay, the director of such explosion prone films like Armageddon and Pearl Harbor, is rushing into production a thriller inspired by the story. "It's kind of based on the whole story, but really takes things in its own direction," Bay said in a Zoom meeting with reporters. "My villain is a disgraced former CEO of a tech company who got caught cheating on his wife with someone in his company, and who loses everything. His job, his home, his money, his reputation, everything. And he decides to take it out on the band who he blames for it, and goes after Aerosmith at a concert, with bombs. And only one smart aleck bomb disposal expert with the New York Police Department can save the day. Sounds great, huh?"

There's even another version being brought forward by the studios. Paramount has greenlit a romantic comedy, switching out names of the key players and having a bit more dramatic license than the real events. Richard Gere has already signed up as the disgraced CEO, with Julianne Moore as his lover and HR specialist. Julia Roberts will be cast as the wronged wife, who enlists the aid of a laid back lawyer to even the score and take her ex to the cleaners. He'll be played by George Clooney, winking at the camera and wooing his client while representing her. The film already has a working title: Coldplayed. 

The choice of director for the film is an unusual one, as he's mostly been known for character dramas, and more recently for insightful documentaries. Werner Herzog, director of Grizzly Man and Cave Of Forgotten Dreams, agreed to the film without reservation. "I've never done a comedy, and to be honest, when I first heard this story, I fell about laughing. So why not poke the bear and go ahead and do it?"

Time will tell about all three projects. In the meantime, humiliation remains the order of the day for the unlucky couple, who aren't saying much of anything. They're too busy doing damage control- and in the case of Byron, doing it badly.

A Sad Tale Of A Mining Disaster

 

Despite all logic, they never do give up, do they? No, of course not. We couldn't be that lucky. They infest our blogs with random crap and comments that prove they didn't read what we wrote. They send us emails with get rich quick schemes that surely can't backfire (spoiler: they will). They just can't figure out a way to make an honest living, and so they continue to strike from the dark corners of the web and spew their nonsense. I speak, of course, of the all too common homo sapiens spammeritis irritatingus. Otherwise known as the internet scammer. The following nonsense came through my email recently.

Hello Frand,

Thank you for accepting my friend request, I don't know if you speak or understand the English language,  that is why I am using google translator to write to you because I do not understand nor speak your language either.

I have been in search of someone with this name. I was pushed to contact you to see how best we can assist each other. I am Mrs. Luis Gerald, working as an Audit Manager here in Garanti bank Turkey. I believe it is the will of God for me to come across you now. I am having an important business discussion  I wish to share with you which I believe will interest you because it is in connection with your last name and you are going to benefit from it.

A citizen of your country named Daniel, has a fixed deposit with my bank, valued at US$8,200,000.00 (Eight million two hundred thousand United State Dollars) . The due date for this deposit was last year. Unfortunately Gabriel was among the death victims of the 11th day of May 2012, after a heavy explosion in Turkey, where 78 miners were killed.

The management of my bank is yet to know about his death. I knew about it because he was my friend and I was his account officer when the account was opened before my promotion. However, Mr. Daniel did not mention any Next of Kin/Heir when the account was opened and he was not married and had no child. Last week my Bank's Management requested that I should give instructions on what to do about his funds if I were to renew the contract as his account officer.
 
I knew this would happen and that is why I have been looking for a means to handle the situation, because if my Bank Directors happen to know that Daniel is dead and does not have any Heir, they would claim the funds for their personal use, so I don't want such to happen. That was why when I saw your name I was happy and I am now seeking your cooperation to present you as Next of Kin/Heir to the account since you have the same last name as him and my bank headquarters will release the account to you. There is no risk involved, the transaction will be executed under a legitimate arrangement that will protect you from any breach of law.
 
It is better that we claim the money than allowing the Bank Directors to claim it, they are rich already. I am not a greedy person, so I am suggesting we share the funds equally, 50/50% to both parties, my share will assist me to start my own company and use the proceeds for charity, which has been my dream.
 
Let me know your thoughts about my proposal. Please, do treat this information as confidential as I have more to write to you about his details once I receive your urgent response strictly through my personal email . 

Thanks and God bless you. Anticipating your urgent response.
Kindly write/reply through my email for more details.
 
Best Regards
Mrs. Luis Gerald.

Sigh. You'd wish that at some point they'd grow a conscience, but that's clearly asking too much. This has all the hallmarks of the standard internet scammer. The overly formal wording mixed with the poor spelling. I mean, frand? How hard is it to write friend?

They claim to be using a translator app to be writing this, but first, English is my first language, and regardless of where you are in the world, if you are a banker, you would bloody well have a solid grasp of English. But this person is not. All while claiming to be from Turkey, and in possession of a name that is not Turkish.

No, this person is a scammer.

And they can't even keep their 'facts' straight. They identify their non-existent client, who died in a mining disaster no less, as Daniel or Gabriel. Make up your mind when you're committing yourself to a scam story.

They make up the usual story about wanting to hide the money after he died in a mining disaster (how this guy had eight million dollars to his name is beside the point) from their corrupt colleagues, and so want to split the money fifty fifty with a random stranger on the far side of the world. So they can start their own company and do charitable things and all that rubbish.

Nice try, numbskull.

In an ideal world, they'd give up and just find an honest occupation, but that just isn't going to happen. So they cast this story out to hundreds of thousands of random emails praying that someone is dumb enough to believe it, and wind up losing a few thousand in administrative fees while they disappear into the night.

Come on, pal. Wake up.

Or we we start using you as target practice for one of these things.

A Day In The Life Of A Cat

 And now it is time for the cat's point of view, as she is a superior form of life who must always have the last word in everything.

7:06 AM. Waking up at home. Dreamed well, of what is good in life. To crush my enemies. Drive them before me. And to hear the lamentations of their women.

7:09 AM. An examination of the exterior from the top of the couch. I see some flying lunches out on the lawn. Looks hot out there. Fortunately there's air conditioning in here.

7:13 AM. Waiting on the staff to get downstairs and see to my breakfast.

7:16 AM. Come on, staff. The clock is ticking....

7:20 AM. The staff finally comes downstairs. It's about time, too. Now then, let's get our priorities right and see to my breakfast, are we clear?

7:22 AM. Supervising the staff as she sees to my breakfast. To my great discouragement, she has taken the bag of field rations out.

7:24 AM. The staff sets down the bowl of field rations, a bowl of milk, and a plate of tuna.

I shall content myself with the milk and tuna, and ignore the field rations.

7:25 AM. Finished with my breakfast. Will leave the staff in peace to have hers.

7:36 AM. The staff is on her way out the door. Farewell, staff. Hopefully the heat ends before you get back, because honestly, I'm not a fan of that blast of heat whenever a door gets opened.

7:43 AM. Somewhere in the distance I can hear the howls of that idiot dog from down the road.

Stupid dog....

8:02 AM. Watching the Weather Channel. According to these guys, the heat should finally break up this evening with a thunderstorm.

Good. About time.

But in the meantime, perhaps a nap could get us there faster. Right?

10:35 AM. Yawn and a big stretch to greet my second go around of the day after a nap.

10:36 AM. Checking the kitchen, and disappointed to remember that all that's out in the open is field rations. 

Oh well, what is must be and all that.

12:10 PM. Studying the prevailing skies outside from the comforts of the back of the sofa. 

That cloud looks like a scratching post.

1:32 PM. Watching the mailman drop stuff off at the mailbox before driving off. Did that foul mutt bark at you?

4:56 PM. The staff is returning home, bearing some groceries.

Staff, be quick about it. You're letting in the heat.

5:01 PM. Supervising the staff as she puts groceries away. 

The milk meets my approval.

6:12 PM. The staff is working on dinner. I smell bacon.

6:42 PM. Dinner with the staff. She's made apple and bacon pancakes, and has cut me up a couple of them into bite sized pieces.

Very good, staff, very good indeed.

7:05 PM. Musing in the living room on the great mysteries of life. Where did the ball of yarn come from?

8:41 PM. Thunder somewhere in the distance. Well, it was coming sooner or later.

8:47 PM. And that thunder was really close. I can hear the rain starting outside. No stopping it now.

9:23 PM. The storm continues. Oddly, I'm finding all the thunder to be weirdly relaxing.

11:30 PM. The staff goes off to bed. Good night, staff, sleep well.

If the storm knocks out the power, don't worry about the alarm clock. I'll let you sleep in.

So that you can spend the entire day with me.