Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Monday, February 21, 2022

Bloody Mistakes All Around

Weird And Pointless Celebrity Couple Drink Blood, Real Bloodsuckers Annoyed

Los Angeles (AP) In a world where Hollywood can also be called Hollyweird, few things are shocking. But many things are weird. Such as why Jennifer Aniston keeps getting roles. Who keeps greenlighting reality shows and music competitions for television. How Steven Seagal lasted as long as he did before vanishing into oblivion. Tom Cruise doing... well, pretty much whatever he does. 

And then there are the pointless couples, devoid of talent, who have to resort to trying to shock the audience.

Actress Megan Fox and rapper Machine Gun Kelly (yes, it's a stupid name) recently announced their engagement. 

Fox is best known for appearing in Michael Bay films (which speaks volumes of her lack of talent) and plastic surgery alterations. Kelly walks around with a dazed expression that suggests he's suffered from severe brain damage and whatever passes for his brain got dislodged. If they ever reproduce, they'll have dragged back the progress of evolution.

Weird enough to start with. And it got weirder.

It started with the two openly talking about carrying around vials of each other's blood. Now with the engagement, they've claimed that they've actually drunk that blood.

Yes, you've read that right. 

Megan Fox and Machine Gun Kelly are claiming to be blood drinkers. 

Can they be called vampires? Probably not. Sampling one bodily fluid of the significant other you're with does not make you a vampire. After all, it requires death and becoming the undead, a craving to consume the blood of anyone in your reach, and a tendency to sleep in coffins and avoid sunlight.

And yet they went ahead and did it anyway. Weird. 

Real vampires are dismayed by the headlines. Speaking to this reporter by Zoom, Count Anton Vordor- official spokesman of the Nightwalker Society, as they call themselves- was irritated. "We've spent centuries developing a reputation and a legend as fierce and fearsome creatures of the night. We are cursed and blessed, depending on who you talk to, with eternal life, with certain conditions. Among which are never seeing the sun again and an aversion to wooden stakes. But that's beside the point."

He paused before continuing. "The point is we have had, from time immemorial, been feared by the world at large while we've stalked the night and taken what we need to feed. But now?"

Vordor put up his hands in an expression of dismay. "Now we find ourselves being portrayed on screen as sparkling nitwits with nothing to do with our time but hang out with sullen teenagers and sneer at dog boy werewolves. Do you have any idea how much damage those idiotic books and films did to our reputation? I assure you, there's been a lot of it. We've spent years putting up with the laughter of werewolves at group summits. As if they weren't also disparaged in that franchise. But no, we were far more sullied by that halfwit writer."

"Ever thought of going after that writer for doing it?" this reporter asked.

"What for? The damage is already done. Besides, the consensus among us is that her blood would leave a bad aftertaste of mediocrity and sour apples."

"And this whole Megan Fox and Machine Gun Kelly drinking each other's blood?" this reporter asked. 

"Rubbish," Vordor replied. "Just like they're rubbish. One of the benefits of eternal life- and I should say at this point that I've managed going through 1492 years as a vampire without running afoul of a wooden stake- is that you see how fleeting fame is. No one in a century will remember either of them. Oh, people are going to remember the Beatles. But immortality through your artistic talent doesn't happen when you don't have talent. And these two don't have talent."

He shook his head. "Real vampires don't do sentimental nonsense like this. We don't start like this. We don't live like this. But honestly, we've spent years doing damage control because of Twilight, and now we have to put up with the ridicule of being compared to two vapid buffoons like this? Totally unacceptable. It makes you want to call in a tip to the Van Helsing family and tell them those two actually are vampires."

Ella Van Helsing, present day head of the vampire hunting clan, had her own take on things. "First of all, Count Vordor has his day coming. Second, we bloody well know that Megan Fox and Machine Gun Kelly aren't vampires. They're many other things. Profoundly stupid. Wastes of oxygen. Screaming for attention prats. But they're not vampires. And we don't do freebies because real vampires are crying about their reputations being sullied."


Comments and opinions always welcome. If you're a spammer, your messages aren't going to last long here, even if they do make it past the spam filters. Keep it up with the spam, and I'll send Dick Cheney after you.