Cataclysms And Shattered Hearts

Narcissistic Director Announces Latest Disaster Movie; Real Reporters Roll Eyes In Dismay

Los Angeles (AP). It is a truth universally acknowledged that a two bit director, in search of an explosion, must be in want of attention. So Jane Austen might put it in this day and age. This past week, at the home of Digital Domain, reporters were gathered for an announcement by a film auteur- in his own mind, that is. Real reporters were outnumbered by entertainment reporters, who are bereft of brains and too given to applaud anything. 

This reporter was among them, primarily as his editor loves sending him to these things for the sarcastic value (editor: the readers love it too). And so it was that this editor found himself in an auditorium, waiting on the latest announcement from the dreadful director, Michael Bay.

A spokeswoman came out on stage, where a podium had been set up with a full length mirror alongside it. "Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for the greatest filmmaker of our generation, Michael Baaaaaaaaayyyyy!" 

The applause was rapturous from the entertainment reporters. Real reporters rolled their eyes, sighed in dismay and shook their heads, wondering when the nonsense would wrap up (editor: and it is nonsense). Bay came out on stage, waving and grinning like the idiot he is, looking as you'd expect- the days of stubble, the dishevelled hair, the casual clothing. He walked up to the podium, winked and smiled at his reflection, and began to speak.

"Hello! It's wonderful to see you. I love all of you, as much as you love me." (editor: he hates himself, huh?) Bay nodded. "You know, I'm a busy man. Always have projects on the go, things that I'm planning on making in my quest to win Oscars. I don't know why I haven't won one yet. But that's not important. What is important is I'm a busy man. You know me. I'm a guy who loves explosions. And Aerosmith songs and hot babes waxing cars. And explosions. So I've been thinking. What kind of movie do I want to make next? And how many explosions can I get away with in it?"

Bay smiled and nodded again. "I've been thinking about disaster movies. Disasters are always in the news. But what's one kind of disaster that I haven't covered in a film? Then it hit me. Like a puck to the head. The Toronto Maple Leafs."

This caused a stir. The Canadian hockey team is well known for choking when it counts and breaking the hearts of their devoted and deranged fan base every year. Yes, that qualifies as a disaster. But what would that have to do with the usual Bay style of explosions in a film (editor: good question).

Bay carried on. "I remembered some years ago some die hard Leafs fans decided to kidnap the Stanley Cup and hold it for ransom, wanting the Leafs to be designated the champions. Or something like that. Anyway, it gave me an idea for a Michael Bay blockbuster spectacular. Take that as a starting point, but instead of it being fans stealing the Cup, make it a mad bomber who's also a Maple Leafs fan threatening to blow up the city if his Leafs don't win the Cup. Is that an idea or is that an idea?"

The entertainment reporters broke out into applause. The real reporters sighed (editor: me too). Bay grinned like the jackass that he is, basking in the applause and oblivious to the contempt from reporters with a working brain. "You've got to be kidding," this reporter stated (editor: I wish).

"Why do people say that to me?" Bay asked with a shrug. "That doesn't matter. What matters is my cast. And they love attention just as much as me. Now I'm going to be enlisting NHL players to essentially be playing themselves in this thing, because it's too hard to get actors to look like professional hockey players. But that's okay, because the players aren't the main characters. And this way, it's as close as the real Maple Leafs are going to get to the Cup anytime soon. But they'll be there, on the ice and in the thick of the action. But the story is about the bomber. And the heroic cop who's coming to save the day. But can he? Ladies and gentlemen, without further do, playing the mad bomber in this film, one of my favourite actors and one of yours.... Mr. Shia LaBeouf!" 

LaBeouf came out on stage, smiling like an idiot as usual, and waved. "Hello there! It is nice to see you! Shia is pleased that you have come to see Shia!" This reporter sighed again (editor: he's still doing the talking in the third person thing?). LaBeouf came over to join Bay.

Bay carried on. "And playing the heroic veteran cop, member of the bomb squad about to retire, my guy, Nicolas Caaaaaagggge!"

At this point Nicolas Cage staggered out, carrying a bottle of half-empty Scotch, looking the worse for wear, which is saying something. He waved to the crowd, smiling and grinning (editor: how drunk was he?). "Hey there!"

Bay grinned. "And lastly, playing an unusual role for her, but one of my favourite actresses around. She's the hostage negotiator working for the police and racing against time. Give it up for Megan Fox!!!!"

Fox came out on stage, bowing and showing off her assets, so to speak. She joined Bay, Cage, and LaBeouf. "Ladies and gentlemen, the cast of Sudden Death, a hockey action thriller coming soon to a theatre near you. Thanks for coming out!"

With that, the group left the stage to rapturous applause from the entertainment reporters, ignoring the eye rolls from the real reporters (editor: how dumb are they?). This reporter departed, wondering how long the film would take to make, given Bay's huge backlog of projects, and how many Leafs would be traded away in the duration.

The last word belongs to the beleaguered fans of the team itself. Leafs Nation, as they are sometimes known, continue to be devoted to their guys, no matter how many times their hearts are shattered. "You know what, it's an honour," one fan told reporters in Toronto. "I mean, I'm one of the guys who actually held the Cup for ransom back a few years ago, and ****, yeah, I'm still kind of on probation because of it. But me and Harry and Jack, we did it all for a good cause. And to find out now that they're kind of sort of honouring our plot, well, with some Hollywood extras, because we weren't threatening to bomb anyone.... anyway, it's ****in' great, eh? Anyway, all I want to say is... Go Leafs go!!!" (editor: god help us all) 

Spell Casting Spammers Must Die!

We really do see far too much of their kind in our day to day lives. They are a loathsome pestilence that would have annoyed the Pharaoh in the days of the plagues of Egypt. They can never take a hint and just go away and find something actually worthwhile to do with their day, such as a real job. No, their only purpose in life is to spam our blogs with spam comments, or send us ridiculous emails with an unbelievable scam story. I speak, of course, of that vile trash we call homo sapiens spammeritis irritatingus. Otherwise known as the internet scammer and spammer. The following came through as a comment on an old blog about- you guessed it- spell caster spam. Which means this post will attract more of the same.

IF ANYONE THAT WANTS TO MANIFEST WHATEVER HE OR HER WANT TO MANIFEST SHOULD CONTACT DR OMAN.
     My husband left me for another woman 3 months ago and ever since then my life has been filled with pain, sorrow and heart break because he was my first love whom I have spent my entire life with. My lovely sister told me she saw some testimonies of a love spell caster online that she believes can help me restore my relationship back, I laughed it out and said I am not interested but because of the love my sister had for me, she consulted the great love spell caster on my behalf, when she tell me i was not happy because i was not interested. To my greatest surprise, after 2 days my husband called me for the very first time after three months that he is missing me and that he is so sorry for everything he made me go through. He came back to me and now we are happy together. I still can’t believe it, because it is highly unbelievable. Thank you Dr. Oman for restoring my relationship and also to my lovely sister who interceded on my behalf, for anyone who might need the help should keep in touch with Dr Oman through his Email address:

Me again. The standard nonsense that we see in these stories. A sob story about a spouse leaving the writer for another love and how awful it is, and how lost they are, and then out of nowhere hearing about a spell caster who can cast spells to get things right again. Which is complete nonsense. Because first, it's all a lie. Spell casting is a fiction, meant for gullible people who believe this crap to feed money to someone at the far end of a daisy chain of emails.

Besides, another point about these emails- what kind of person is just going to forgive that kind of betrayal and act as if everything is fine when their unfaithful spouse comes back because of some kind of miracle? First- there is no miracle, there is no spouse, there is no cheating sob story, because all of this is fake, fake, triple fake. 

And second, no rational person would do that. They'd get a hell of a lawyer, divorce that cheat, and move on with their life. Forgive? Hell no. Never forgive, never forget is my motto. But again, this is a fake story, meant to elicit sympathy from people who might be caught in the real situation.

As said, spell casting is nothing more than a fiction. Don't believe it. The only real thing said in that "testimony" is four words- it is highly unbelievable.

Sigh. I hate people, I really do. 

But I really hate spammers and scammers, who, in my personal opinion, should be catapulted into an erupting volcano. Or if that isn't possible, sent onto a United Airlines flight with this guy, who will no doubt send them to an early exit from the flight.

At cruising altitude without a parachute.

Revenge Of The Bitcoin Scammers

They are a loathsome lot with no conscience, no purpose, and nothing to do with their time but that what they do. Namely to send unwelcome emails to hundreds of thousands of random email addresses, or post meaningless comments spamming our blogs. I speak of course of the wretches otherwise known as homo sapiens spammeritis annoyingus, aka internet scammers and spammers. The following nonsense came through my emails recently.

As a high school teacher in Michigan, managing finances is crucial, especially when dealing with unexpected losses. I faced a significant setback when I incurred a loss of $160,000.50 in crypto trading. The experience was both financially and emotionally draining, and I was at a loss for how to recover from such a substantial amount.After extensive research and considering various recovery options, I came across Cyber Tech Wizard. The reviews and testimonials suggested they had a strong track record of successfully recovering funds for individuals who had experienced financial losses in trading. Skepticism was natural, given the amount involved, but I decided to reach out and see if they could offer any assistance.From our initial contact, Cyber Tech Wizard   demonstrated a level of professionalism and efficiency that was reassuring. Their team of experts conducted a thorough analysis of my situation, reviewing all relevant documents and trading activities. They communicated clearly about the steps involved in the recovery process and kept me informed at every stage. The transparency they provided was particularly comforting during this challenging period.One of the standout aspects of their service was their commitment to a personalized approach. Unlike some other recovery services that might offer a one-size-fits-all solution, Cyber Tech Wizard   took the time to understand my specific circumstances. They tailored their strategies to address the unique aspects of my case, which was a significant factor in the success of the recovery process.The turnaround time for recovering my funds was remarkably swift. I was initially apprehensive about how long it would take, but Cyber Tech Wizard  exceeded my expectations. Within a short period, they managed to recover the full amount of $160,000.50. Their efficiency in handling my case not only relieved me of the financial burden but also restored my confidence in managing future investments.Throughout the entire process, the professionalism exhibited by Cyber Tech Wizard   was exceptional. They provided regular updates, answered all my questions promptly, and offered valuable advice on how to avoid similar issues in the future. Their support went beyond just financial recovery; they also helped me understand the intricacies of forex trading and how to safeguard my investments better.I highly recommend Cyber Tech Wizard   for anyone facing difficulties with forex trading losses. Their prompt, professional, and personalized service turned a dire situation into a successful recovery. For anyone who finds themselves in a similar predicament, Cyber Tech Wizard’s expertise and dedication can make a significant difference. Their ability to recover my loss not only alleviated a substantial financial strain but also restored my peace of mind, allowing me to focus on my career and personal life without ongoing financial worry.

Oh, sure, right. That's believable. This schmuck passes off a story not that different from what we've seen before- supposedly real people caught in a bad situation. But instead of the spell caster doctor who will fix everything, this time it's the tech wiz geniuses who'll get your money back that you unwisely put down on crypto trading.

Only no one behind this email actually did that. Because this email is a scam.

I don't know what real high school teachers in Michigan make, but it's not going to be of an amount where you can sink 160 grand of your salary after expenses into Bitcoin (which is a scam in and of itself to begin with). That just isn't possible.

So of course it's a scam. Written in a lot of the same way as the spell caster spam. If you look up this supposed company, Cyber Tech Wizard, you find a lot of dead ends and random comments just like the above, but not a real site. Because it doesn't exist. All this happens to be is the work of a scammer who's desperately phishing for someone dumb enough to reply directly to the email in question.

Nice try, really, but I am wise to your ways.

I recommend we go old school on you.

And send you to Skull Island to have a word with this guy.

Curse Of The Pumpkin Spice Latte

Fall is here. I have an image blog for the new season. Enjoy!

A Day In The Life Of A Cat

 And so it is time for the cat to have her say, for she must as always have the last word in these matters.

7:05 AM. Waking up. Big stretch and a yawn. Slept well. Dreamed of the largest field of catnip I've ever seen.

7:08 AM. An examination of the exterior conditions from the back of the couch. Looks like a chilly morning, but it's supposed to warm up some. Flying lunches are pecking around in the grass. Consider yourselves fortunate I'm not out there.

7:12 AM. Come on, staff, what is taking you? I've been up for an entire seven minutes and you're still upstairs instead of down here seeing to my breakfast. 

7:23 AM. The staff finally makes her way downstairs. It's about time, staff. Now then, how about breakfast?

7:24 AM. Explaining my precise needs and wants to the staff, who so often gets it all wrong. Staff, I would remind you that I do not like field rations. Are we clear on that?

7:26 AM. The staff sets my breakfast down on the floor. The bowl of milk and plate of chicken are much appreciated. The bowl of field rations is not.

7:27 AM. Finished with breakfast. I shall leave the staff in peace and quiet to have hers.

7:40 AM. Somewhere off in the distance, I can hear the barking of that foul hound from down the road. 

7:46 AM. The staff is on her way out the door to that work place she always goes to. Staff? Just a reminder, we seem to be running low on milk.

7:48 AM. The staff drives off in the car. Okay, then, what's on the agenda for today?

8:02 AM. Watching the Weather Channel. They're expecting a colder winter than normal. And how is that a problem?

8:37 AM. Have done my rounds of the house. I believe a nap is in order.

11:49 AM. Waking up. Feeling a bit hungry.

11:52 AM. Oh, right. All that's left is that bowl of field rations.

Oh well, when in Rome....

1:30 PM. More barking from that idiot mutt down the road. The mailman must be dropping off mail.

1:45 PM. Deciding to watch some television. Oh. Baseball. Okay, let's try this.

2:23 PM. I'd heard the White Sox were doing really bad this year, but this is appalling.

4:50 PM. Off goes the television. The Sox lost thirty seven to zero. That's a whupping. 

5:12 PM. The staff arrives home. Well, staff, it's about time. Here I was about to send a search party out for you. Did you remember the milk?

5:20 PM. Supervising the staff while she puts groceries away. Good, good. The milk meets with my approval. So does the catnip.

6:32 PM. Dinner with the staff. She's made lasagna for herself, but has set aside a plate of ground beef for me. I don't see why you ruin perfectly good meat with pasta sauce anyway...

8:47 PM. Pondering the great mysteries of life. Wondering what it is about someone who's so dumb that he wants to pick a fight with childless cat ladies.

11:20 PM. The staff is off to bed. Good night, staff. Sleep well.

But as always, keep the door open. I have zoomies scheduled at two thirty in the morning, after all.