The Strange Case Of The Scottish National Dish

Robbie Burns Day is coming up. I have an image blog for the occasion. Enjoy!

And don't eat the haggis. 

The Old Fake African Lawyer Shell Company Ploy

They are a horde and a pestilence that Moses wouldn't have seen coming. They creep in and out of the dark shadows of the internet, spamming our blogs and emails and sending us scams as they go along. They are the damned. The cursed. The beyond hope. They are the homo sapiens spammeritis annoyingus, commonly known as the internet scammer and spammer. The following recently came through my email. It's one I've seen before. But the accompanying name stood out.

Dear Friend,   
I am a lawyer by profession here in my country Togo--Lome west Africa, one of my clients from your country used to work with a shell development company here in the republic of TOGO Africa. My client, his wife and their only daughter were involved in an auto crash here in my country. I decided to contact you so that the $10.5M Dollars he left behind in a bank here will be transferred to your bank account immediately

Best regards,

Barrister Mark .Donald .Duck 

Chamber.

As mentioned, I've seen this one before. Short and to the point, and pretty much copy and paste, with just the name changing. In this case one Mark Donald Duck. As in the most incomprehensible character in Disney animated history, not to mention the one character in their library of characters with the deepest anger management problems. Who likes walking around in a shirt and cap, but no pants.

Yes, that Donald Duck.

Oh, right, yes. That makes sense. Are these people really that stupid? Or are they even more stupid, and not realize there's a character by that name? Could it be that in a global entertainment culture they're oblivious to the existence of the cranky duck who cannot be understood? Have they been that sheltered?

You would think considering how much noise the duck makes that it would be hard to miss him.

Nice try, numbskull. Really. I get it, you have no marketable skill for a real job, and so you do this from whatever dark corner of the world you're really in. Hoping beyond hope that someone will be dumb enough to believe you. It sure as hell isn't me. But maybe someone on that list of half a million random emails you send this out to will buy it, and promptly lose a few thousand dollars as an "administrative fee" before you disappear back down the rabbit hole.

Sigh. In an ideal world, we could load you into one of these things, and then launch you into a blazing fire.

Return Of The International Monetary Fund Scam

 They are a plague and a pestilence upon society. They send hordes of emails to random people, and spam our blogs with their nuisance comments. They prey upon the gullible with their scripts, whether it be the Cancer Widow, the former military officer, former government official, or banker from overseas. They promise great riches that don't actually exist. All in the hopes of finding that one Forrest Gump dumb enough to believe them. I speak, of course, of the vile lot we call homo sapiens scammeritis annoyingus, otherwise known as the internet scammer. Such as this, which ended up in my email.

International Monetary Fund (IMF)

Office of the Special Representative to the UN.

Headquarters 

Letter Of Compensation / Settlement.

Attn: Beneficiary,

Please bear with us for making this initial contact through email, it is due to the urgency of this notification, since we are unable to reach your telephone line and to officially bring to your notice about your payment file in which you are listed as a beneficiary to the International Monetary Fund (IMF) and United Nations Compensation Program of US$10,500,000.00, this Compensation Program is organized Seasonal for victims of  internet scams, disasters(earthquakes, hurricane, storm, fire), and elderly one(s) and fund payment delay in which your fund payment has been delayed by some unpatriotic officers.

In view of the above you are advised to reconfirm the information below to facilitate the immediate release of your fund.

1) Your Full Name:

2) Phone Number:

3) Home Address:

4) Profession:

5) Age:

6) Marital Status:

Thank you.

Best Regards,

Ms. Kristalina Georgieva,

Managing Director International Monetary Fund (IMF).

Oh, sure, that's believable. I'm due 10.5 million dollars from the IMF and United Nations. This is news to me. They've apparently tried to contact me. That's what I get for not answering unknown numbers on my call display. Well, while I might deserve such funds for putting up with an endless pile of scams and spam, we all know better than to believe this nonsense. They even use the interesting phrase "your fund payment has been delayed by some unpatriotic officers." Oh, sure, right, that sounds trustworthy.

They then ask me to reconfirm everything that- if this was legitimate, which it is not- they would already know. But I know better. And the icing on the cake is that it's sent by someone with a Russian name. Or a fake Russian name. And while I have no doubt that this scam probably leads back to some creep in a warehouse in Moscow, they have a mountain of aliases that they use. And their real name isn't Kristalina. Nice try, ace. But let's just say I've known too many Russians, including an insufferable local oaf of Russian citizenship who's busy getting banned from multiple places here because he's an insufferable oaf. I'd say he's the one behind this, but that jackass has a brain that's been destroyed by Moscow Alcohol Syndrome.

Again, nice try, but it doesn't work on me. In an ideal world, you'd meet the same fate as Ned Stark, who even though he was a fictional character is a much better person than you are. 

Old Acquaintances And Forgotten Resolutions

 It's New Year's Eve, and time to see the old year out, ignore new resolutions, and go party. Or stay in and fall asleep at nine. I have an image blog for the occasion.

Santa Claus Versus The Abominable Eggnog

It is Christmas Eve (bah, humbug!). I have an image blog for the occasion. Enjoy!