Saturday, October 25, 2014

A Day In The Life Of A Dog

Some links before I get started today. Norma wrote about the upcoming Avengers sequel. Parsnip had a Square Dog Friday at her page. Cheryl had dogs at her page. Krisztina has this Hallowe'en food idea. Lorelei wrote about ghosts. And the Whisk asked an unsavoury question.

Now then, we return to the dog and cat blogs, this pair of blogs featuring my two heroes on Hallowe'en. As always, I start with the dog's point of view.

7:35 AM. Waking up. Feeling refreshed and ready to go. Had wonderful dreams of being in a pool filled with nothing but doggie biscuits. Yum yum yum!

7:48 AM. Well, good morning, human! It’s a wonderful day to be a doggie, don’t you think? Well, no, of course... you’re not a dog. Anyway, you know what I mean. How about a bit of breakfast? I’d be ever so happy to try to break my personal record for fastest breakfast finished.

7:52 AM. Apparently my efforts to finish breakfast in record time have been thwarted by a momentary pause in gobbling kibbles. At least I kept my time well under a minute of finishing every kibble in my dish.  Human, I could use a run. Any chance we can get that door open?

8:05 AM. Running through the back fields. Barking my head off at the sky. Air feels fresh, weather seems cool. Life is good. Woof!

8:17 AM. I stop in to see Spike the Magnificent, Tormentor of Squirrels. We bark hello.

8:18 AM. Spike and I compare notes. The hated enemy have been elusive, only seen at a distance. They’re too busy gathering acorns this time of year to heckle dogs. We speculate on what they might be using those acorns for. It must be something nefarious and evil. After all, every squirrel is nefarious and evil.

8:20 AM. Spike and I confer on the appearance of carved pumpkins and garish decorations in the area. Yes, it’s that time of year again. Trick or treating, scary movies, and being kept from the candy bowl by the human.

8:23 AM. Spike and I part ways for the day. Things to do, squirrels to chase, and all that.

8:32 AM. Sniffing around the woods on my way home. Smells like we might get snow soon.

8:35 AM. I pause in a clearing when I spot that local cat standing there. She hisses at me. I don’t know what it is about cats that they hate dogs this much. At least this cat hates me. Maybe she just needs time to get to know me or something. Hello, cat! Why can’t we be friends? I mean, if you can’t trust Loki, who can you trust?

8:36 AM. The cat hisses at me once again and bares her claws. Well, okay, if you’re going to be that insistent, I’ll just leave you alone. Cats. I wonder if they’re completely balanced, mentally speaking.

8:37 AM. The cat goes off on her merry way after one last look over her shoulder to hiss at me. Yes, yes, yes, I get the message, but one day I’ll manage to charm you into purring...

9:05 AM. Back home. The human has put the jack o’lantern out on the front porch. I think I shall spend some time staring into its malevolent eyes. It’s just a matter of who blinks first, and let me promise you, it won’t be me!

9:08 AM. Not sure I can hold out. Come on, Jack! Blink already!

9:10 AM. The human calls me inside. Oh, very well, but I’ll be back, Jack, and you will submit to my stare!

2:40 PM. Waking up from nap. Wow, did I sleep a long time! Wait a minute.... did I miss lunch? That can’t be good...

6:05 PM. The human’s making dinner. Smells good... pumpkin and bacon pancakes. Very appropriate for Hallowe’en. I’ll have to keep my sad eyes in place to mooch some very delicious food!

6:20 PM. We’re having dinner, and sure enough, the human’s given me some pancakes too. I think I’ll take my time scarfing these down. 

Yum yum yum!

7:35 PM. Watching the human greeting trick or treaters. Why is that kid dressed like a quarantine doctor?

7:57 PM. More trick or treaters. The human’s quite cheerful as she speaks with them and gives out candy. For some reason she keeps putting the bowl up high where I can’t reach it whenever she’s done. Come on, human, what harm can a little chocolate do to me? Particularly since those bars are so small. Would someone explain that logic to me?

9:00 PM. Looks like the trick or treaters are done for the night. So are we watching a scary movie tonight, human?

The human puts on a DVD of something starring Kate Hudson and Matthew McConaughey instead. Well.... from the point of view of taste in movies, it’s frightening.

9:46 PM. Human? You know I love you, right? Right? But I must say this. There are times you have appallingly bad taste in movies. It’s Hallowe’en. Why are we watching two empty headed morons making moon eyes at each other while smiling vacantly? We should be watching Frankenstein’s monster wrecking havoc all over his creator’s life, or a ghost story that’ll have us both awake all night, or something else that’s actually scary. But no, you had to put this dreck on.

9:59 PM. Boy, Kate Hudson whines a lot. And McConaughey looks like he's been hit in the head by too many fastballs.

10:31 PM. Oh, sure, the whole romantic misunderstanding’s all tied up and these two are happy together and look rather oblivious and dimwitted. Can we please turn off the movie and throw it in the fireplace?

11:05 PM. Watching the national news with the human. It seems a Hallowe’en zombie walk went terribly wrong when the marchers wandered into a meeting of The Walking Dead Is Real Association in Texas. Forty seven fake zombies are dead, and lots more are in hospital. Well, human, at least that’s a fitting Hallowe’en story.

11:39 PM. The human is off to bed. Good night, human! If I happen to hear any ghosts wandering around tonight, I’ll bark my head off as loud as I can. That should scare them!

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

A Day In The Life Of A Drunken Mayor

Some links before I get underway today. Norma wrote about unlikely toys and games. Parsnip had plenty of Hamish and Watson to share. Maria wrote about dialogue tags. And Cheryl featured old cars at her blog.

Now then, we are under one week to the municipal elections in Ontario, including the one in Toronto, where the Ford boys persist in running for office. In an ideal world, all of the Fords would be run out of office, but it might be that the drug addled idiot Rob might well be elected in his old council seat (where he will be treated as a pariah by city council, reduced to nothing more than the pissed off jackass that he is). I'd still prefer him to be kicked out of office, but we'll see what we'll see. There'll probably be one more of these to come at some point after the election, but if the drunken temper tantrum happens to win a council seat, I might carry on with these from time to time. His thug of a brother Dougie, however, is unlikely to end up winning the mayorship (fingers crossed). And so we have ourselves once again, the voice of the most annoying politician this country has ever produced as he goes through his election day. I've left the ending a bit ambiguous though, just in case.

10:40 AM. Wake up. Hung over. Same as yesterday, same as tomorrow, same as every day since I turned thirteen. Geez, that was a long ****in’ time ago. I remember the old man givin’ me my first vodka. ****in’ yeah, man! 

Gotta get up. Today’s the big ****in’ election day, and me and Dougie, we’re gonna wipe the floor with all those ****ers who think we’re not fit for office.

10:52 AM. Drinkin’ vodka. Nothin’ like the hair of the ****in’ dog that bit you to cure a hangover. 

11:24 AM. Dougie turns up at the house. Hey, brother, how the **** are you? Big day for both of us, man. Operation Ford Domination ready to go! **** yeah!

11:33 AM. Dougie and me talk strategy. Whatever the **** strategy means, who gives a ****? 

11:39 AM. Dougie and I agree to meet up later. He’s off to do last minute mayor candidate crap, and I gotta get goin’. Gotta get my vote in for me and my brother and that piece of **** nephew of ours. Who gives a **** if Mikey’s runnin’ for trustee in a different ****in’ ward? Nobody tells Robbie Ford what he can and can’t do! 

12:05 PM. Drivin’ myself. Hey, I’m good to drive. Just because I’ve already drunk two bottles of vodka this mornin’ don’t mean I’m repaired, or whatever the **** that word is.

12:12 PM. Stop in at KFC, pick myself up a couple buckets of chicken. Yeah, that’ll do for an election day lunch. Wave at people. Vote Ford! Don’t forget! Ford More Years!

12:35 PM. In my offices at my campaign headquarters. Door’s shut. Devourin’ fried chicken. Smokin’ crack. Drinkin’ vodka and wine chasers. Does life get any ****in’ better than this? I don’t ****in’ think so!

1:40 PM. Stop in at the local election station. Hey! I’m here to vote! Don’t forget, all of you, vote Ford More Years!

1:41 PM. Some stupid ****er tells me I already voted several days ago and that campaignin’ in election stations is strictly against the rules. Hey! **** you! And **** the rules! Nobody tells Robbie Ford he can’t vote as many times as he wants to ****in’ vote! You’re just some ****in’ left wing pinko commie hippie fascist who lives on the ****in' Beach and eats granola bars! ****in’ downtown elitist scumbag! Get the **** outta my way!

1:42 PM. Storm over to the voting table. Shove a little old lady outta the way and sit down. Let’s see, who do I mark down for mayor? Well, there’s Dougie’s name right there, but somethin’ about that candidate marked Crack appeals to me. Hey, that reminds me, who’s a guy gotta smack around to get some crack in here?

1:43 PM. Thrown outta the election station by three guys who look pissed at me. Hey! I got cancer, you ****ers! That means I get to do whatever the **** I want! If you don’t vote for me, that means you ****ers love cancer!

I’ll bet you’re all socialist fascist commie pinkos!

2:25 PM. Back in the office. It seems my little tirade made the ****in’ news. Got that stupid little ****er spokesman talkin’ to the press right now over the phone, saying it was all a big misunderstanding. Yeah, that oughtta buy me a bit of time.

2:40 PM. I come out to meet the press. Buncha ****ers. Wastes of oxygen, the whole ****in’ lot of them. If it was up to me I’d have them all burned at the ****in’ stake. Expose my dark past, will they?

I pause for a moment and start to speak. Yeah, sure, I mighta caused a scene at that votin’ station earlier. Yeah, sure, I know that old lady broke her leg, and really, my heart bleeds for her, but at the end of the day it’s her fault for not gettin’ the **** outta my way. Look, what’s important is it’s all in the past, and it doesn’t matter anymore, and I was in a drunken stupor and we gotta move forward with the Ford Agenda and bulldoze every single ****in’ house of everyone on our enemy list. That’s all the **** I’m gonna say to you mother****ers. Ford More Years!

Goin’ back into my office. Oh, wait a minute. What the **** did I just say?

6:02 PM. Me and Dougie are watchin’ the local news while drinkin’ vodka and smokin’ crack. Turns out those ****ers in the press are ****in’ with us and showin’ me on my tirades. Buncha stupid ****ers, they’re all in on it, brother. All of those ****ers are out to get us, the press, the left wing pinkos, the cops, the downtown elites, the Daughters Of The American ****in’ Revolution, the Queen, the Pope,  the ivory tower ****ers, the Society Of Where’s Waldos... the list of enemies never ends. Well after tonight it’s gonna end, because you and me, we’re gonna win, and then we’re gonna get even with all those ****ers. Ford Domination, brother! Ford More Years!

7:25 PM. Me and Dougie turn up at Ma’s house. Ford Central. Hey, Ma! How the **** are you? Ford Dynasty’s happenin’ tonight, Ma! We’re the Canadian ****in’ Kennedys! **** yeah!

8:02 PM. Finished dinner with the whole ****in’ Ford family. Sooner or later we gotta let one of those ****in’ camera crews in here to get some ****in’ footage.  Stupid press ****ers. After I’ve had some vodka. Gotta chase down all this greasy food with somethin’. Hell, it even makes bein’ around that wife and those ****in’ kids of mine tolerable.

8:37 PM. Watchin’ the election results. Mayoral result not goin’ our way. Looks like we might be in trouble in my ward too. Dougie! I thought you said we brought in a lot of ****in' stuffed ballot boxes to make sure we’d both win!

9:05 PM. Oh, ****! ****ity ****in’ ****er ****! How the **** did that ****in’ happen? Who the **** did that to ****in’ us? 

**** that! **** the ****in' ****ers! 

9:45 PM. Comin’ out on stage with the whole family at Ford Central’s election night party. Lotsa stupid ****er Ford Nation ****s gathered. People lookin’ gloomy and ****ed up. Gotta rally them. Gotta get their spirits up, man.

10:00 PM. Dougie’s finished his speech. Highlighted by phrases like rivers of blood, scorched earth, hellfire and destruction. Yeah, man! That’s the way to go out! Time for me to talk.

10:03 PM. In the middle of my speech. Rantin’ and complainin’. It’s all been a conspiracy, folks. They all did this to the Ford family. Every single one of those ****ers out there who laughed at you for supportin’ us? They’re in on it. Every single ****er who said we were unfit for office? They’re in on it! It’s their fault! Not ours! But don’t worry. The torch is still lit. We're still out there. Ford Nation will be **** in’ back! **** yeah! We’ll be makin’ their lives hell for years to come, man! And it starts right here, right now! I want every single one of you stupid ****ers to go out and burn down the homes of everyone who voted against us!  Ford More Years!

11:45 PM. Me and Dougie, we’re arrested and perpwalked through a crowd of ****in' reporters. Buncha stupid ****ers, it seems incitin’ a ****in’ riot’s against the ****in’ law. Hey! I’m Rob Ford! Laws don’t apply to me! When our lawyer gets us off, we’re gonna have your ****in', jobs, mother****ers!

Ford More Years!