Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Monday, June 27, 2016

A Day In The Life Of A Dog

Once more, the time has come for the dog and cat's point of view. As always, we begin with the dog.


7:22 AM. Awake at home. Strange dreams. Chewed on the thawing bones of a mammoth.


7:25 AM. Looking out the window. Sun and clouds up in the sky. It looks like a good day to get out there and go for a run and search for mud puddles and chase squirrels. Emphasis on the chasing squirrels. 


7:31 AM. The human comes downstairs. Well, hello there, human! It looks like a fine day. Say, what do you think about getting around to breakfast? I’d help myself, but, well... I don’t have the opposable thumbs to open pantry doors on the one hand, and on the other, even if I did, I probably wouldn’t have the self control to stop eating kibbles.


7:35 AM. Wolfing down my breakfast. Yum yum yum!


7:39 AM. Out the door for my morning constitutional.


7:47 AM. Running through the back fields, barking at the birds as I go. Sure, you feathery know it all critters might be able to fly up there in the air, but unlike you, I can wag my tail!


7:52 AM. I stop in to see Spike the Magnificent, Tormentor of Squirrels. Hello, Spike! 


7:54 AM. Spike and I compare notes on possible movements of the enemy. We suspect the squirrels might be consolidating their forces and gathering together their nuts to lay siege to the humans and unleash their nefarious plans for world domination. Clearly this must be stopped.


7:58 AM. I relate to Spike about my dream of mammoth bones. It’s too bad that we don’t have any of those around these days. Can you imagine chewing on bones so big you might never finish? Makes you think the humans should take us into museums, just so we can chew on a dinosaur bone. It’s not like that’s going to bother anyone, right? Well, except for the curators, but they are a silly lot.


8:02 AM. Parting ways with Spike. Hmmm, those clouds are looking ominous...


8:14 AM. Thunder rumbling. Rain starting to fall. On the one hand, hey, that’s great, that’ll mean mud puddles in the not so distant future. On the other hand, that means I’m going to get a bit wet before I get home. 


8:17 AM. Okay, now it’s coming down like a deluge. I’ll be thoroughly drenched by the time I get home.


8:21 AM. Barking at the back door. Human! Let me in!


8:22 AM. The human opens the back door. I rush right past her. 


8:24 AM. The human is busy applying the Towel of Torment to my soaked fur. Come on, human, I can dry off naturally, you know. And don’t give me any of that wet dog smell nonsense. Compared to some of that crap the cosmetic industry puts out, it’s a pleasant odour.


8:28 AM. The human is finished with the Towel of Torment. Not one second too soon, if you ask me, and of course you are asking me. Human? Where’d that rain come from, anyway? One minute I was talking with Spike at his place, and the next, downpour city.


8:36 AM. Looking outside. Still raining. Wouldn’t want to be stuck out there all day today, let me tell you. I wonder if fate will smile on me and cause the drowning of that despicable mailman before he can get here.


9:21 AM. Rather than continue to look out the window at the endless rain, I think I’m due for a good nap. Sure, I’ve only been awake a couple of hours, but hey... being out in the rain can be tiring, can’t it?


12:35 PM. Waking up. Sounds from the kitchen! I didn’t miss lunch, did I? I mean, how can I pass up a chance to mooch some nice tasty food?


12:36 PM. The human is doing dishes. She looks at me and tells me I’m too late for lunch mooching. Did I say I was going to mooch? I might have thought it, but that’s a completely different thing, you know. Oh well, I’ll have to make up for it later.


1:35 PM. Barking at the mailman as he turns up at the mailbox. You’re lucky you’re in that car, mailman, and that I’m in my house! If it wasn’t raining right now, I’d be out there giving you a piece of my mind! Foul monster!


2:58 PM. Have mooched a cookie from the human while she’s having tea. Oh, boy! Butterscotch!


5:41 PM. Supervising the human while she’s making dinner. Whatever it is, it smells good.


6:29 PM. Pot roast! Happily chewing on some chunks the human cut for me. Human? You’re a doll.


8:35 PM. Basking in post pot roast full tummy happiness.


11:38 PM. The human is off to bed. I’m lying on my back looking up at the ceiling, listening to the rain outside. Human? Will we be needing to build an ark or anything like that? Because my lack of opposable thumbs makes me not so handy with a hammer.

Saturday, June 25, 2016

Pesky Aliens, Interrupting My Barbecue

The sequel hits theatres this weekend (a whole week before it might have made sense for the film to come out), and so I thought it would be a good idea to review the original, twenty years on.


“I ain’t heard no fat lady!” ~ Steven Hiller 
“Forget the fat lady, you’re obsessed with the fat lady. Just get us out of here!” ~ David Levinson

“Look at us. Everybody’s trying to get out of Washington, and we’re the only schmucks trying to get in.” ~ Julius Levinson

“I picked a hell of a day to stop drinkin’.” ~ Russell Casse

“Oh my God, I gotta call my brother, my housekeeper, my lawyer. Nah, forget my lawyer.” ~ Marty Gilbert

“Perhaps it’s fate that today is the Fourth of July, and you will once again be fighting for our freedom. Not from tyranny, oppression, or persecution... but from annihilation. We are fighting for our right to live. To exist.” ~ Thomas Whitmore

“This was supposed to be my weekend off, but nooo, you got me out here, draggin’ your heavy ass through the burning desert with your dreadlocks sticking out the back of my parachute. You gotta come down here with an attitude, actin’ all big and bad.” ~ Steven Hiller

“It’s like in chess. First you strategically position your pieces. Then, when the timing’s right, you strike. See? They’re positioning themselves all over the world usin’ this one signal to synchronize their efforts. In approximately six hours, the signal’s gonna disappear and the countdown’s gonna be over.” ~ David Levinson


It’s been twenty years since Independence Day hit the theatres. The film, from director Roland Emmerich and writer-producer Dean Devlin, did big business in the summer of 1996, weaving an epic disaster tale with a cast of disparate characters. In the face of an alien invasion, the story waves flags without hesitation, invests a good deal of humour, creeps out the audience, and has special effects that look convincingly like the annihilation of the world is well under way. While all of that occasionally comes at the cost of characterization for some members of the cast, the film nonetheless is a thrill ride.


The film opens with the approach of a massive ship towards Earth from the depths of space, a ship that starts deploying smaller spacecraft to take up positions around the planet. We quickly meet some of the key players in the film. Captain Steven Hiller (Will Smith) is a combat pilot, eager to join the astronaut program, but worried that his relationship with Jasmine (Vivica A. Fox) might be problematic for his chances. Thomas Whitmore (Bill Pullman), a former fighter pilot and now the President of the United States, is briefed on the detected approach of something into Earth’s orbit. David Levinson (Jeff Goldblum), a computer expert who’s taken to working as a satellite technician, is puzzled by a signal he’s discovered in the planet’s satellite systems.


There are other players introduced before things all go wrong. Constance Spano (Margaret Colin) is David’s ex-wife, now working as the Communications Director at the White House. Marilyn Whitmore (Mary McDonnell) is the First Lady, in Los Angeles for official functions when the story begins. Julius Levinson (Judd Hirsch) is David’s grouchy father, living in New York in retirement and playing regular chess games with his son. General Grey (Robert Loggia) is a Marine commander, head of the American Space Command and a mentor of sorts to the President, who now outranks him. These and other characters form the human side of what ends up becoming an apocalyptic nightmare when the alien ships have themselves positioned and start unleashing city destroying attacks on their first targets.


Emmerich and Devlin had worked together before, having had written Stargate together for a release two years earlier, a film that Emmerich directed as well. Stargate is the more imaginative of these two films, and Independence Day is not quite a sequel to that film, but certainly in the same spirit, with malevolent aliens, a fight for freedom, and a visual gag of sorts involving a nuclear weapon. The two parted ways after their work on Godzilla, but have come back together to work on a sequel to Independence Day. This film’s story drew out of a question about Stargate- what it would be like to wake up one morning and see a massive alien ship hovering over your city, and that’s a visual that shows itself through the film. It’s an interesting premise to start off with, and the script takes on the notion of alien invasion and turns it into a full blooded attack on a global scale.


The film carries a message or two through the story. One is the will to survive, something that comes across in the better written characters. The other is the concept of environmentalism; David is an avid environmentalist, worried about the world he’ll one day leave behind (to the point where he’s obsessive compulsive about what trash goes where). On the other hand we have the aliens, whose motives are simple but malevolent: move from planet to planet, wipe out resistance, and harvest the planet’s resources on an industrial scale. Some of the characters are written better and fleshed out more than others-  there are stereotypes at play here, as well as gratuitous content that doesn’t really serve the story, but in a film about spectacle, that’s to be expected. The story does lean towards America- unabashed patriotism, most of the world mentioned or glimpsed as it deals with the invasion, but the story’s emphasis strongly on what’s happening in America.


Emmerich’s direction works for this film, as it did for Stargate, though later films would start to show some problems; The Patriot messes around with history, Godzilla didn’t get the big bad beast right, and The Day After Tomorrow is, to put it mildly, playing fast and loose with science. His films since then have tended to be unwatchable- 10,000 B.C. and 2012 are wretchedly awful. For this film, however, he paces the story well, even if some of the characters are stereotypes and underdeveloped. The film follows a nightmare scenario- but only so far, as the whole point is to save the day rather than become an ultra nihilistic apocalypse.


The visual effects play to that- both physical and CGI. The production designs for the aliens and their ships, for instance, certainly look otherworldly. Rather than a guy in a suit as you might have seen decades ago, the creatures look extra terrestrial. Their ships, dark and menacing, fit their agenda. And the destruction they wreck- particularly kicking things off with destroying Los Angeles, New York, and Washington- still looks convincing, which is a good thing in a disaster film. That said, the destruction is not over the top in the way Emmerich’s team would later do in 2012, which ended up annoying me. David Arnold did the score for this film, following up his outstanding score on Stargate with a full blooded action heavy score that didn’t shy away from sheer American patriotism- ironic, considering he’s a Brit.


The cast is hit and miss though, and that’s less on the actors than it is on the script, which gives some actors more to do and tends to underwrite others. James Rebhorn, the character actor one has seen in countless television and movie roles, plays something of a snivelling weasel as the Secretary of Defense; his Albert Nimzicki is something of an antagonist in that he’s secretive and argumentative, seemingly always being the obstacle to getting things done. Adam Baldwin, who’s done a whole lot on film and television (including a memorable role in the classic Firefly and Serenity television and film projects) plays the part of a military officer at Area 51 with both authority and sympathy.


Brent Spiner, who’s best known for his android Data role in Star Trek: The Next Generation looks entirely different as the eccentric (perhaps crazy) scientist at Area 51, Doctor Okun. The character is unkempt, socially awkward, and in desperate need of a haircut, and Spiner certainly plays him as bizarre. Harvey Fierstein appears early on as David’s boss Marty; the role is stereotypical in more than one way, as a stereotype of a gay man and a chattering New Yorker. One gets the impression Fierstein is pretty much just playing Fierstein, but he certainly does contribute some of the humour to the film. Randy Quaid, who later lost his mind in real life, plays the alcoholic pilot, alien abductee, and comedy relief we meet early on. He’s over the top in the way he plays the widowed father and proverbial train wreck, and ends up being the hero of the day- one wonders if the character’s nuttiness was a prelude of what was to come of the actor. 


Judd Hirsch also gets a bit of a stereotype role, though he does more with it and is more likable as things go along. He’s the cranky Jewish father, playing the role at first almost like it was a stock theatre role (the actor ends up looking older than he was at the time). And yet there’s a quiet wisdom and concern, pride, and loyalty for his son that quickly establishes itself through the rest of the story. Robert Loggia also gets a fairly well written role as General Grey, the high ranking officer in charge of Space Command who has a well established connection with the President, something of a father and son sort of bond. He plays the role with gruff authority.


The women in the film seem to be underdeveloped. Vivica A. Fox gets to play opposite Will Smith as his character’s girlfriend Jasmine, a single mother making a living as an exotic dancer. There’s really no point to that for the story, and feels gratuitous. She does, however, come into her own amid death and destruction, and the character proves to be rather resourceful. Mary McDonnell, whose work I’ve enjoyed in the past, seems written more or less as a supportive and loving First Lady whose ultimate fate is generally to provide the President with a reason to grieve. And Margaret Colin appears as Connie, a woman caught between her highly responsible job and a former marriage that still means something to her. The actress makes the most of what the script gives her- including interjecting some humour into it- and we can believe her relationship to David in how she and Jeff Goldblum interact, but the script doesn’t serve her well enough.


Bill Pullman gets a good role as the President, an amiable former military pilot and war hero from Desert Storm who’s gone into politics. He’s a loyal husband and father, principled and strong when he needs to be. When we first meet him, it’s suggested by political commentators on television that the young Chief Executive might well be out of his depth. He ends up facing a nightmare scenario, coupled with grief, and yet rises to the occasion. His decision to take to the skies though is a perplexing one- surely a President in such a scenario, where he is effectively all that remains of the government, would understand that his place is on the ground, not among the dangers of an air battle. That, however, is more the story than the role, as it seems to be a way for Emmerich and Devlin to give the actor a heroic role in the climax of the film as opposed to what would make sense.


Jeff Goldblum is one of those actors who can make pretty much anything interesting, which is what he does with this role. He brings a charm and eccentricity to his work, both of which play out through the film. David is an environmentalist at heart, and an exceptionally smart guy working in a line of work he’s overqualified for. He gets along well enough with his father when we first meet him, can get lost in his work, and has unfinished business with his ex-wife. And yet when he realizes the peril the world is in, his first thought is of his ex. Their bond is one that owes more to the actors’ performances than the script, but we can believe them as a couple. Goldblum gives his role a wry sense of humour and a calm under pressure (mostly, anyway) sensibility that makes us like him.


Will Smith plays the heroic Captain Steven Hiller with charm, brashness, and attitude. It’s through his eyes that we get the experience of waking up one morning and seeing a massive alien ship hanging over your city. He gives his character the swagger you’d expect out of a combat pilot, adding the nuance of ambition- Hiller wants the experience of being an astronaut, even while his current relationship might be a disqualifying factor. As the film goes along and we get to know him more, the audience does like him. Smith, whose history as an actor is a bit hit and miss with me- some films I like, others I don’t care for- makes the most of this role, and particularly in the later stages, while Hiller and David are deep in peril, the friendship that comes out of it feels genuine, something that both actors really bring out in their performances.


Independence Day is a whole lot of spectacle, chaos, and destruction, promising fireworks and pretty much delivering. While some of its characters benefit at the expense of others, it’s nonetheless a whole lot of fun. One just wonders, with the sequel out there... didn’t they pretty much wipe out the aliens this time? How much story was there really left to tell?

Wednesday, June 22, 2016

Flying Sharks Versus The Hasselhoff Ego Storm


Fourth Incredibly Stupid Film In Incredibly Stupid Series To Air; Stars Oblivious To Reality

Los Angeles (CP) Sharknado will see a fourth television and direct to video movie released next month, with Sharknado 4: Brainless Tedium (this reporter’s subtitle) impending. The series, which has defied logic, common sense, and basic good taste, has featured washed up has been actors in preposterous peril involving sharks swept out of the sea by tornadoes and wrecking havoc on cities and far more. The last instalment, which featured dimwitted morons facing sharks in the skies and beyond, continued the tradition of utter stupidity of Sharknado. (editor: hey! Stop making fun of those films!)


Anthony Ferrante and David Michael Latt, the creative team- if you want to call what these two do as creative- behind the series, gathered together the press at the offices of production company The Asylum. That included real reporters- as well as the pestilent dimwitted scum that consist the roving body of entertainment reporters. The former were rolling their eyes and wondering what horrid thing they had done to merit this assignment (editor: you know exactly what you’ve done!). The latter were gushing and buzzing with excitement. This reporter, given the choice, would have preferred being at a Michael Bay press conference.


Ferrante and Latt arrived on stage, accompanied by their cast. Ian Ziering, who has managed to salvage a career left in ruins after Beverly Hills 90210 ended, has managed to star in each of these as Fin Shepherd, the bar owner turned professional sharknado fighter (this is a profession?), saving his family, the day, and even the country from marauding angry aerial sharks caught up in weather system. On a side note, should sharks who have been hurtled thousands of feet up in the air be more concerned with being out of the water or being thrown down towards pavement than they seem to be about chewing on people? Of course in a Sharknado film, logic, physics, and biology do not apply.


Ziering, Ferrante, and Latt were joined by other members of the cast- Tara Reid, Cassie Scerbo, David Hasselhoff, all back from previous instalments, along with the deranged looking Gary Busey, a new cast member this time out. There were also three burly security guards forming a wall between Ziering and Hasselhoff, who were both placed at opposite ends of the table. After a press conference featuring the two actors doing publicity for the third Sharknado degenerated into a fist fight, Ziering and Hasselhoff have been at each other’s throats. Hasselhoff had to have plastic surgery for a broken nose, and the actors apparently refused to film together.


“Welcome!” Ferrante said in a jovial way, pleased to see the crowd of reporters. This reporter was busy rolling his eyes and (editor: stop disrespecting pure entertainment!) “Thanks for coming out today and help us unleash the fourth Sharknado on the public. It’s been a great run thus far of highly entertaining and not at all scientifically preposterous films, with great actors filling vital heroic roles in our stories of man versus nature and man versus man and nature chewing on everyone. And by nature I mean, kick ass sharks feasting on hapless bystanders while...” Ferrante went on and on. This reporter spent the time visualizing sharks eating Ferrante.


Ziering was chattering on. “You know, I owe so much to the Sharknado films. They’ve made people take me seriously as an actor. Back before I got this role, the loan sharks were ready to break my knees. It was not a good time to be Ian Ziering.”

“Is there ever a good time to be Ian Ziering?” Hasselhoff called.

Ziering glared his way, and warned, “Shut up, old man, I’m talking.”

Busey, who was quietly staring at everyone with a bug eyed expression, muttered, “The best way to lose weight is to put salt on your ass and go to a petting zoo. But stay away from goats, because I've seen them fornicate with a mail box.”


There was a moment of silence. This reporter wondered when Busey had last been in the care of certified therapists or perhaps in a place with padded walls. If not, he certainly belonged there. (editor: you belong in a place with padded walls, you smirking bastard)

Reid spoke up to break the tension and awkwardness. “I’m as happy as Ian to be back. Granted, we can’t tell you how long I’m in the film. The last film had that big cliffhanger for my character. Does she live? Does she die? Will she live happily ever after or will she be smashed to bits? That’s for our wonderful audience to find out by watching. But of course they’ll watch. Everyone loves Sharknado, after all.”


This reporter spoke up. “Does it occur to any of you that the sort of excrement you produce with these Sharknado films is contributing to the dumbing down of society?”

Latt looked confused. “Anthony? What’s that word mean, excrement?”

Ferrante shrugged. “I’ll look it up later.”

Scerbo looked puzzled. “I think I know what it is. Has something to do with cows, right?”


Ziering carried on. “As I was saying, I owe a lot to Sharknado. It saved my knees, gave me a regular paying gig, and finally broke me out of the Steve Sanders stereotype I’d been in for years. I can’t understate how glad I was for that. And it’s given me great opportunities. Just between us, I’m pretty sure that I’m about to be cast on the stage in London to play Macbeth. What a great role. What a great word. Macbeth, Macbeth, Macbeth. Oh wait... isn’t there some superstition about that? Something to be fearful of?”

Busey blurted out, “You know what fear stands for? It stands out for False Evidence Appearing Real. It’s the darkroom where Satan develops his negatives.”


Hasselhoff sighed. “What were you thinking, casting Busey? There’s only room in this production for one truly great and truly eccentric actor, and that is me. Emphasis on great, because we all know that I’m the greatest actor to ever grace the big or small screen. I should be the one playing Macbeth!”

Ziering looked over at his onscreen father and offscreen nemesis. “Hey! Shut up! We all know I’m the best actor here, the greatest, the most outstanding. You’re just the washed up nobody who gets drunk and wolfs down cheeseburgers and gets it all caught on video.”

Hasselhoff turned, glaring at Ziering. “You take that back, you punk.”

Ziering shook his head. “Oh, and you’re a really lousy singer.”


“Why, you....” Hasselhoff burst forth from his chair, getting past the security guards and launching himself squarely at Ziering, knocking him off his chair, the two falling off stage, grabbing each other by the throat. “I’ll kill you!” Hasselhoff yelled.

“Washed up drunk!” Ziering countered, getting in a couple of extra punches.

The guards rushed in to pull them apart, struggling to get the two z-list actors under control, but not before Ziering got one last punch in. Hasselhoff screamed. “My nose! My nose! The bastard broke my beautiful nose again!


The two actors were hauled away, while Reid, Scerbo, Ferrante, and Latt left the stage, looking sheepish. Gary Busey was left behind, still staring at everyone with that deranged, bug eyed expression. Then he spoke, his voice entirely reasonable, even if his words were not. “The thing about taking pictures of me in daylight, you will not see my teeth, because I am a vampire with a day pass. You should get some duct tape to cover your neck and you’ll be safe from me.”

Busey then got up, walked calmly out of the room, and was last seen chasing squirrels in a nearby park. In this reporter’s opinion, he clearly needs intensive psychiatric care, something that this reporter’s cranky editor could benefit from (editor: I’m feeding you to the sharks when you get back)