Faith Can Move Mountains... But Dynamite Works Better

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

A Day In The Life Of A Maple Leafs Fan

Some links before we get ourselves started today. Parsnip had an update at her blog. Eve had musings on shades of gray. Cheryl had problems with a musical earworm. Maria had meatloaf on her mind. And Krisztina wrote about real guys versus reality shows.

Today I return to the point of view of an obnoxious fan of the Toronto Maple Leafs (the Chicago Cubs of hockey), lousy grammar and all. It occurred to me while writing the voice of this guy: I really don't like this guy.


9:30 AM. At home, havin’ breakfast. Big day today. Big game tonight, and we gotta win it. Our boys gotta win big and teach those rotten Montreal Canadiens what happens when they mess with the best team in hockey history: the Toronto Maple Leafs. Hell, sure the boys haven’t had a good season, but that’s just because there’s a conspiracy out there. The powers that be don’t want my Leafs winnin’ the Cup, but we’ll show them, sooner or later, we’ll show them.


9:55 AM. Watchin’ some of Don Cherry barkin’ up a storm on his Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em videos. Yeah, man, Don’s the man! Smartest guy around! You tell ‘em, Don! Who the hell needs Frenchies or players from that godless communist Europe when our boys got great players and a great history to draw on?


10:15 AM. Thinkin’ of applying the red and white war paint to my face. Get in the mood for a Leafs game. Leafs Nation, baby! Next year we’re bringin’ the Cup home, and no conspiracy of refs and officials are gonna get in our way!


10:23 AM. Readin’ the sports page. That’s about all the news I ever read. Who the **** needs to be informed about anything anyway? I get all my news and my worldview from the great Don Cherry anyway every Saturday night. The guy’s my mentor and guide in life.


10:46 AM. Listenin’ to sports talk radio. Some ****er is sayin’ the fans need to stop supportin’ the Leafs. Show the owners they’re unhappy by not goin’ to games. Hey! **** that! True fans stick by their team no matter what!


10:53 AM. Another caller sayin’ the season was already lost weeks ago and we should just tank right now and hope we can get in position to draft that hot prospect. Look, as much as it might be a good idea to get our hands on that guy and build a team around him, who the **** wants the team they root for to finish dead last in the standings?


12:32 PM. Puttin’ on the sacred Leafs jersey. Havin’ a beer. Look in the mirror. Damn, I look ****in’ good. The ladies better watch out, ‘cause ol’ Tommy is on the town tonight, and lookin’ to score as much as the Leafs are gonna score tonight!


2:25 PM. Gettin’ off the subway downtown. Already had four beers. Feelin’ thirsty. Fortunately I got hours before the game starts, and I know just the right bar near the arena.


2:31 PM. Walkin’ into the bar. Spot the bartender. Hey, Lou! Beer here!


3:38 PM. Havin’ wings and onion rings with my latest beer. Jack and Harry turn up at the bar, wearin’ their Leafs jerseys. Hey boys, pull up a seat! You gotta catch up to me drinkin’! Plenty of time before the game.


5:15 PM. Ogling a couple girls at the bar. Hey, ladies, how ‘bout you wantin’ a real man? We can have a lot of fun watchin’ the game, and then get busy later on....

For some reason they roll their eyes. Oh, hell, they’re just playin’ hard to get. Or maybe they’re Montreal fans.


6:46 PM. Filin’ into the Air Canada Centre with Jack and Harry. Big night, boys. Let’s see our boys ruin the evenin’ for those rotten Canadiens.


7:23 PM. National anthem bein’ sung by someone or another. Me and Jack and Harry, we sing along. With drunken hearts, we see sunrise, the true north hammered and free!


7:31 PM. Game just gettin’ underway. Montreal’s got the puck, but our boys can.... what the ****??? How the **** did Subban just score a ****in’ goal on us ten seconds into the ****in’ game???


7:53 PM. Game’s not even one period in, and Montreal’s up six to nothin’ on us. Hey, Reimer! My grandma could tend goal better than you!


8:10 PM. Period one done. Period two still to come. How the **** we’re behind nine to zero is beyond me. I mean, our boys haven’t even got one shot on goal yet. Jack, you wanna explain the ****in’ logic of that or what?


8:36 PM. Now come on! This is just humiliatin’! Five goals inside of five minutes??? Reimer, are you blind??? How the **** can our boys be down seventeen to zero? Come on, Leafs! Get with the program, boys!


8:41 PM. Two periods done, one to go. Down nineteen to zero. Jack, Harry, be honest with me here, our boys can score twenty goals in twenty minutes, right?


9:05 PM. That Gallagher bastard’s celebratin’ with his damned Canadiens after scorin’ his third goal of the evenin’. Six Habs scorin’ hat tricks in one night. Is this a record or what? Hey, Gallagher! You’re gonna get yours, you hear me? You’re gonna get yours!


9:31 PM. Game’s over. Final score: Montreal twenty three, Toronto zero. That Montreal goaltender Price is relishin’ a shutout. Hell, you didn’t even have to deal with that much shots on goal, you arrogant bastard! Stop grinnin’! One of these days, Price, one of these days... karma’s gonna bite you on the ass, you mother****er!!


10:05 PM. Me and Jack and Harry file into the bar. Hey, Lou, get us all good and drunk, man, anything that washes down the misery of tonight. You know what? I’ve said this before, but this time I mean it: I’m done. **** the Toronto Maple Leafs! Those ****ers have stomped on my hopes and dreams for the last ****in’ time!


11:09 PM. Me and Harry and Jack, we’re totally wasted, man. Feels good. Man, if I didn’t have booze, my life would be ****ed up. Booze understands me.


12:52 AM. Jack? Harry? Hey, boys, I know I said what I said, but you guys know it wasn’t true. I mean, the only ****in’ reason our boys lose like this is those refs are jealous. They hate the Leafs. The league hates the Leafs. So it’s one big conspiracy to deny our boys the Cup. You know what? Sure, this season might be a ****in’ write off. Sure, it’s been disappointin’. But we can still change things up by stickin’ by the Boys in Blue no matter what. Next season, boys. Next season’s gonna be ours. And no one’s gonna stop us from winnin’ the Cup. Even if we have to steal the Cup, hold it hostage, and demand the League just retroactively declare the Leafs the winners of every Stanley Cup since 1967. That would work, right? Right?


2:14 AM. Staggerin’ inside at home. Lyin’ on the couch. Man, am I wasted. Sure am glad I don’t have to work tomorrow, ‘cause I’d be goin’ in hung over and pissed off. Ah, hell, it’s not as if our boys can have a game this season that’ll be worse than this one was, right? Patience, Tommy. There’s always next year. Leafs Nation, baby!

Damn... I think I gotta throw up.


Monday, March 2, 2015

Those Who Are About To Die Salute You

A new month is underway, and while March came in like a lamb in these parts, it may go out like a lion with a three week long blizzard over half of North America (oh please oh please oh please....)

Today I have a mixture of twisted and eccentric images for your amusement.