Wednesday, September 17, 2014

A Day In The Life Of A Cat

7:40 AM. I wake up out of a deep sleep. I dreamed of being in a field filled with catnip filled toys to shred and destroy. The smell nearly drove me insane. I’m sure there are some lowly humans out there who think that cats are already insane, but they’re no friends of mine.

7:42 AM. Up on the windowsill, staring out onto the vastness of my realm. Wait a minute. Is that frost coating my grass? Who let frost happen without consulting me?

7:43 AM. Consulting the calendar. Yes, it is indeed still summer, according to this. And yet we have frost to contend with out there. That is unacceptable, unacceptable, I say! I will have to have the staff write a tersely worded letter! There will be hell to pay!

7:50 AM. There you are, staff. It’s about time. We have things to do, you and I. First off, you must prepare me an exquisite breakfast that does not involve field rations. Then you must write a letter to the editor or to the Queen or to whoever demanding fall be put off by a couple more weeks. We haven’t even had a real summer, you know!

7:52 AM. The staff pours me a bowl of field rations. I sigh in utter dismay and roll my eyes. Staff, is it not perfectly obvious by now that I don’t like that?

7:55 AM. I meow at the door, demanding that the staff let me outside.

7:59 AM. Sniffing at frost encrusted grass. This is not good, this is not good at all. 

8:30 AM.  I can hear rustling and footfalls off in the woods. I will keep watch. It’s probably that annoying mutt from down the road. I heard his inane barking earlier.

8:32 AM. And sure enough, there he is at the property line. Stupid dog.

8:33 AM. I walk up towards the dog. He’s wagging that tail of his and panting his tongue and acting all buddy buddy, remarking on the frost.

8:34 AM. I hiss and growl at the stupid dog. He looks confused. Dogs are usually confused. It’s a dog thing.

8:35 AM. I walk away from the dog. Isis, were you in a bad mood when you created dogs? Because that’s the only reason I can see for them existing on this earth today.

8:40 AM. Waiting by the door. The annoying mutt is gone. One of these days, annoying mutt, I’ll bite that wagging tail of yours just to make it stop wagging.

8:43 AM. The staff lets me back in. Well, it’s about time, staff.

9:25 AM. Consulting the farmer’s almanac. What’s this about excessively long winter, record snowfalls, cold temperatures for months to come? Who writes this stuff? No one cleared this kind of weather with me!

9:35 AM. Staring outside. Frost seems to be fading from the grass. Still, the prospects of an early winter while we were robbed of a real summer leaves me dismayed. I should nap on this matter. Perhaps there will be some key bit of insight.

12:45 PM. Waking up. Napped well. Time for lunch.

12:46 PM. I discover that the staff has already had her lunch. Leaving me with the prospect of eating those field rations.

12:49 PM. Despite my disdain for those things, I have a few. I really have to start making my staff shape up and feed me proper breakfasts.

5:49 PM. Waking up from another nap. Dreamed of a forest filled with scratching posts.

6:15 PM. The staff is making pancakes. She requires close supervision when engaged in such tasks.

6:23 PM. The staff likes some blueberries or diced apple in some of the pancakes. Oh, it’s all right, I suppose, but why can’t you make liver pate pancakes?

6:27 PM. Now that’s more like it. A few strips of bacon in with the pancake batter is a good idea.

6:40 PM. The staff and I settle down to dinner. She’s poured me a nice bowl of milk and has set down a plate with a couple of bacon pancakes. Staff, I approve of this. It more than makes up for the field rations.

7:46 PM. Watching Jeopardy with the staff. Who is Napoleon Bonaparte, Alex?

9:48 PM. Staring up at the ceiling with great concentration. No reason, really. Just making the staff think I’m watching something that isn’t there.

Sure enough, she asks what it is.

11:55 PM. The staff turns out the lights and is off to bed. I’ll be up in awhile, staff, so don’t close the door, or I might meow my head off until you get up. Just so you know.

Monday, September 15, 2014

A Day In The Life Of A Dog

Some links before we get ourselves underway for the day. Yesterday was a Snippet Sunday, and we had a post at our joint blog. Eve had one of her dogs resorting to desperate measures. Whisk had a poor bastard at her blog. And Mark had a fanfic crossover at his page.

Now then, it's time once again for my regular dog and cat blogs, featuring as usual, my dog's point of view first. Enjoy!

7:45 AM. Waking up. Dreamed of finding Bonehenge. All those giant bones, so much time to chew.... where’s the human?

7:47 AM. Looking outside. Hey, wait a minute.... is that frost on the grass?

7:50 AM. Waiting impatiently for the human. I must inspect this for myself. After breakfast, mind you. A dog must be full of energy and ready to get going before actually going.

8:03 AM. Good morning, human! Have you had a chance to look outside yet? Isn’t it a little too early for us to be having frost? What do you think? By the way, do you suppose we could do something about breakfast? I’m feeling a wee bit peckish. 

8:05 AM. Just finished wolfing down breakfast. A bit slow today. Fifteen seconds off my all time fastest finishing of breakfast ever. I’ll break that record again sooner or later...

8:07 AM. Barking to be let out. The human tells me to behave myself and come back soon. Human, when have I not behaved myself?

Don’t answer that.

8:09 AM. Sniffing with great curiousity at the frost coating the grass. Now who on earth authorized this? It’s still technically summer, isn’t it?

Time for a run.

8:25 AM. Running like a lunatic through the back fields, barking my head off. 

8:32 AM. In the woods. I pass by the house where that cranky cat lives. Hey, well there she is in the back yard. I wonder if I’ll ever be able to bridge that gap between us, or are we doomed to remain in a state of tension forever? Hello, cat! It is me, Loki the dog! How are you on this frosty day?

8:33 AM. She’s approaching! Perhaps this time we can finally come to an understanding and be civil with each other in the interests of world peace? Tell me, what do you think of all this frost? A bit early for it all, don’t you think?

8:34 AM. She hisses her disapproval and disdain for me. Oh, now come on, why can’t we be friends?

8:35 AM. The cat walks away in a huff. I really do not understand what purposes cats have in this life.

9:05 AM. Stopping in to see Spike The Magnificent, Tormentor of Squirrels. Hello there, Spike! Cool day, isn’t it?

9:07 AM. Spike and I compare notes on the frost this morning, and he reminds me there was snow in Alberta just a few days ago. Yes, technically it might be summer, but it doesn’t feel like it.

9:09 AM. Spike and I confer on the movements of the enemy. They’ll be busy gathering acorns and nuts and being their annoying squirrel selves to no end. Nefarious and vile creatures, the whole lot of them. Well, I’d better get back, Spike, my human might need supervision. Or someone to give treats to.

9:20 AM. Back home. Hello there, human! I see the frost is wearing off. I think I’m about due for a nap.

11:55 AM. Waking up from nap. Hearing sounds from kitchen. Lunch time! Just in time to mooch something or another.

12:05 PM. I use my sad eyes trick to get the human to give me some dinner rolls. Yum yum yum!

2:10 PM. In the living room, going through the farmer’s almanac. For some strange reason, the people who write this stuff are saying it’s going to be a very long, very cold, very snowy winter. How can they predict months of weather when those silly forecasters on television can’t get anything past the next six hours right?

4:50 PM. Waking up from nap with all four legs in the air. Hmmm, when I fell asleep, I was in a sun puddle. Now I’m not. Did I sleep that long?

6:05 PM. Watching the human making supper. If I play my cards right, I might get something out of the bargain. Emphasize the ability to show off sad eyes, Loki, they’ll do you right every time.

6:30 PM. The human and I are having supper. She’s given me a bowl of beef strips. Yum yum yum! She, on the other hand, is having a beef stew with lots of other stuff added in. I would get stew, but she seems to think I’d end up making a mess. Come on, human! Honestly, how long are you going to hold the spaghetti incident against me?

7:45 PM. The human’s watching Jeopardy and answering most of the questions. Why don’t they have categories like Chasing Tails, Evil Veterinarians, and Panting Tongues?

9:05 PM. Musing on the meaning of the tail wag. Is it true that the wag was first invented by Benjamin Franklin’s dog?

11:00 PM. National news is on. Serious looking anchor tells us something about a polar vortex coming. The human sighs in dismay. Does this mean we’re going to have frost tomorrow?

11:40 PM. The human is off to bed. Good night, human! Just in case the really strange happens and we wake up to four feet of snow in the morning, have you had the natural gas tanks filled? Because if we’re not getting out until spring, we’re going to need it!