Is It An Invasion When You Are Invited?

Endless Election Campaign Goes On; Possible Solutions On The Horizon

Washington (AP) The U.S. election campaign grinds on as slowly as ever while November seems ages away. While the Democratic nominees have come down to two candidates, Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders, there are still several Republican candidates trying to kill each other (literally in one case) for the nomination. American voters, meanwhile, find themselves asking the inevitable question: is this how bad the candidates are?

Donald Trump, the perceived front runner in the GOP (despite the fact that the Republican leadership dreads the idea of his getting the nomination), real estate developer, and mouthy blowhard, has been in traction for months, issuing his obnoxiousness even from a sickbed, attacking every single target coming his way, including most recently the Pope. After getting trashed by rival candidate Hulk Hogan and his campaign manager Ric Flair months ago, Trump hasn’t let broken bones slow him down, issuing endless crass attack diatribes and stroking his own ego. “My inauguration party is going to be huge! Huuuuuuuuge! And we’re gonna force the Mexicans to pay for it!” he boasted yesterday.

From his offices in Mexico City, Mexican President Enrique Nieto rolled his eyes when the press asked about the latest Trump statement. “You know, we’ve tried to be as polite as we can, putting up with this kind of nonsense from that self absorbed ass. Enough’s enough. To use an American phrase... Donald Trump can go **** himself.”

Ted Cruz is still putting up a fight for the nomination, while avoiding the subject of his own birthplace- Calgary, Alberta. “I’m a proud American!” Cruz insisted. “Contrary to some rumours that have been floating about lately, I was not sent in by a Canadian super-villain to undermine the American political scene. I bleed red white and blue and my heart always belongs to Cana... I mean, to America! America! Yes, that’s right!” He and Marco Rubio have been trying to position themselves as the ideal alternate candidate to Trump (while Rubio is given to frequent repetitiveness in his speeches), which includes tearing each other apart. Ben Carson, once at the top of some polls, has been largely sleeping his way through press conferences.

John Kasich remains in place as a candidate, quietly working away at his campaign, even if he’s not getting as much notice as he’d like. Some Republican party officials have expressed hope that Kasich might be seen as the only reasonable option compared to, in the words of one insider, “the rest of those bloody lunatics.”

Former Vice President Dan Quayle, once considered a dullard during his days in the job, shrugged when reporters found him in a classroom trying to figure out how to spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. “You know, once upon a time a lot of people made fun of my intellectual abilities. I can say with great pleasure that I feel vindicated by the fact that compared to Trump, Rubio, and Cruz, I’m a smart guy.”

President Obama, meanwhile, is largely staying out of the election, aside from the odd put down of Trump. He’s busy doing his job- running the country and deciding on a nominee for the newly vacant Supreme Court seat now that Justice Scalia is roasting somewhere in a place with no air conditioning. Rumour has it that comedian Lewis Black is among the contenders.

Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann- who launched a joint run at the nomination, boasting that they could be president in turns- dropped out two weeks ago. They were grinning obliviously when they met the press, both of them seemingly drunk. “Well, you know, it’s not our time,” Palin admitted. “So we decided to get out before we ran out of the money our supporters gave us.”

Bachmann nodded. “Yes, we’re spendin’ the rest on a big tailgate party of booze and barbecue, and then we’re going to go all scorched earth on whoever wins the nomination, just so we can get ourselves set up for running again in 2020.”

“Palin and Bachmann 2020!” Palin hollered, smiling like a demented twit. “We'll wreck the country... I mean, we'll save the country! You betcha!”

There are other candidates already thinking of four years down the line. An independent candidate has come forward in recent days, calling the press together for an impromptu press conference. She was once at the center of impeachment proceedings against President Bill Clinton. She was the subject of endless comedy punchlines. Monica Lewinsky, one time White House intern, spokesperson, and public speaker, was beaming when she was introduced. 

“You know, I think voters are sick and tired of both sides, Republican and Democrat alike," she told reporters. "There need to be more voices in the political process in this country. Truly independent thinkers who are beholden to no one- this is what we need in America. I think I could do quite well as an independent voice apart from the crowd. I already have plenty of experience in the Oval Office, after all.” She smiled with pride, paused for a moment before continuing. Reporters wondered if the former President Clinton might be watching this. “Well, I am proud to announce my candidacy for President of the United States in 2020. Vote for Monica, because I know how to get things finished. With a happy ending.”

The announcement displeased Hillary Clinton, at an event in South Carolina, where she was yelling at some of her aides, witnessed by reporters at a distance in the conference center. “This is supposed to be my time! And that **** steals my thunder??? I deserve the White House! It’s mine! It belongs to me! Mine, mine, mine! My own! My precious! How dare she make an announcement while I’m on my way to my destiny! Crowned Empress Hillary The First! Wait... what are those reporters doing over there? Did they hear me?”

Meanwhile, the last of her Democrat opponents, Bernie Sanders, continues his efforts, speaking at events, stressing his campaign platform ideas, such as universal healthcare, improved education, and civility in political life. As seemingly the only rational adult in the campaign, Sanders is outnumbered by nutcases, ambitious buffoons, and blowhards.

A solution to the Republican standoff is coming from the strangest of places. Survivor host and reality show producer Jeff Probst offered a suggestion this week in a press conference. “This could go on for weeks, perhaps all the way to the convention. All the while, it will prove to be more embarrassing to the party and the country. And rather than go through the actual measured steps of the electoral process, why not make something entertaining of it? Well, I thought why not make a one-time reality show of it? A live version of Thunderdome, like from those Mad Max films. George Miller told me to **** off when I asked him to let me use that word, so instead we’re going with Battle Arena.”

Probst grinned like the half-witted moron that some assume he is. “So here we have the idea: the remaining Republican candidates all go into a large, caged space. We hang all sorts of weapons around. Crow bars, tire irons, chain saws, sledge hammers, whatever we can think of. And whoever’s left when it’s all done wins the nomination. If you ask me, I’d put my money on Kasich. It’s always the quiet ones who end up being the most resourceful in a fight.”

Hulk Hogan, still in the running as a presidential candidate, approved of the idea. The former wrestler was with his campaign manager and former wrestling rival Ric Flair at an event in Charleston when they spoke to the press. “This is just the sort of thing that we used to do in wrestlin’, brother... cage matches and steel chairs and cheatin’ and gougin’ eyes and all that, brother.”

Flair grinned and clapped Hogan on the shoulder. “Wooooooooo!!!!! Now this just means the Hulkster is gonna to actually hit people with foreign objects instead of fakin’ it! This is what we’re meant to do! The Battle Arena format is practically rigged for the Hulkster to win! Get used to these three words: President Hulk Hogan!”

Hogan laughed and started singing as the two headed off. “Hail to the Hulk, he’s the one we all say hail to...”

As has been the case in previous years, some American citizens are musing on leaving for Canada depending on the results of the election. Some Republican supporters have threatened that over Obamacare; whether or not it occurred to them that they’d be moving to a country with universal care that was generally to the left of the Democrats is another story. Democrat supporters did some of that during the Years of Dubya (otherwise known in some circles as The Age Of Darkness).

The same trend is showing up this year among Republican voters, dreading the idea of Hillary Clinton as President. Democrat supporters are talking about the idea should the impossible happen and Trump end up cheating his way into the White House. Mass migrations into the Great White North may be an issue the Canadian government will have to deal with either way.

Another idea is starting to gain ground, with tens of thousands of members already joining a group in Connecticut. It is founded out of a serious concern that the election might end up pitting Trump against Clinton, a prospect none of its members like. Calling itself by the peculiar moniker Invite The Canucks Association, the group has suggested that in the case of those two being the final nominees, a petition should be made to the Canadian government.

“If these two are the final candidates, than frankly, this country has come to the point where it’s a failure,” Caroline Travers, a university professor and founder of the group told reporters. “We will have failed our Founding Fathers, who will be ashamed of what’s become of us, of how far we have fallen. We have made this country a joke. If that is the case... we have only one option. To petition the Canadian government to come in, to take over, to turn our states into provinces in the constitutional monarchy that is Canada. That means certain changes. Gun control, universal health care, learning how to spell words like colour in the proper English, instead of color. It means having the Queen as our Queen, instead of being in a republic.”

She carried on speaking after a pause. “It means having a leader who understands working together, tact, and diplomacy as opposed to self centered me first vindictiveness. Canada got rid of one of those guys last fall, after all. It means we start drinking Canadian beer, because let’s face it, American beer has always been watered down at best. It means we get to like Canadian bacon, and how to eat poutine. It means we’re going to have to get used to being obsessed about hockey as a national sport. It means we’re all going to have to learn how to make love in a canoe. Well, not at the same time, obviously, because that might end up resembling an orgy.”

Does One Bring A Steel Chair To The Oval Office?

Washed Up Sports Entertainment Star Announces Candidacy, Does The World One Favour

Los Angeles (AP). It is already a crowded field in the Republican presidential nominee list, filled with nary a sign of rational thinkers and too many blowhards. It’s become a circus, with Donald Trump blustering around, feeding his ego and starting fights with literally everyone. The duo nominees of Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann have been crisscrossing the country, making fools of themselves at every turn, preaching their vision of an America united in “God fearin’ gun totin’ apple pie lovin’ commie kickin’ ‘Mericans, you betcha!’, which is actually their campaign slogan, punctuation and all.

Now the field has been joined again by a new act to the circus, one who has had something of a rough ride as of late. Surprisingly, who it was hadn’t leaked out earlier to the press, as is often the case in political announcements. It was known that another candidate was, in fact, elsewhere in the location where this press conference was to be held, but that campaign confirmed they had no idea who was involved. And so it was that a multitude of reporters were gathered at the Los Angeles Convention Center for the announcement, but as to who would be making an announcement, that was still a mystery. Was Bob Dole making a comeback? Or Dan Quayle, with Candice Bergen as his running mate? That second one was considered a long shot indeed, and perhaps too vague a cultural reference for those who didn’t remember Murphy Brown.

A campaign spokesman came out on stage, the curtains behind him hiding any trace of a campaign sign, not giving any hint of who might actually be making the announcement this late in the game. Whoever he was, none of the reporters recognized him. He wasn’t even wearing a campaign button. “Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for coming, and I’ll get right to it,” he promised. “This candidate needs no long, drawn out introduction. His reputation speaks for himself. Running for the Republican nomination as President of the United States of America, I give you.... Hulk Hogan.”

The former (and not so former) wrestler stomped out on stage as the curtains were drawn, showing a massive Hulk Hogan 2016 banner. He was dressed not in the suit and tie one might expect, but a Hulkster T-shirt, shorts, boots, and bandanna, huffing and puffing and being something of a shadow of the physical specimen he was in his prime. It’s been a rough few months for Hogan- being declared persona non grata by the wrestling organization that made him famous after racist remarks on a sex tape came to light, among other such remarks. He’s lost whatever reputation he had left (this from a man who spent time in a reality show on his own dysfunctional family), and no wrestling organization wants anything to do with him. Aside from a gag announcement that he was running for office, the wrestler’s never expressed the slightest interest in politics before- so what on earth was this about?

Hogan was busy flexing his muscles and looking like he was five seconds away from a stroke- or perhaps chronic constipation. Finally he strode up to the podium and started talking. Or yelling- the man doesn’t seem to have a volume switch, let alone comprehension that people can hear what he’s saying. Perhaps he’s been hit in the head too many times by steel chairs. “The Hulkster’s in the house, brother, and I’m here to say that I’m runnin’ for President under the Republican party, brother!” He nodded. “Lots of Hulkamaniacs out there love the Hulkster and have grown up as fans, so now they’re voters and they’re sick and tired of the way things are and they want to say their prayers and eat their vitamins and take their steroids just like the Hulkster... wait... forget I said anything about steroids.”

He paused before going on. “You know what, brother, this country’s about redemption. Sure, I’ve made a few mistakes here and there, and I’m sorry, but hey, who hasn’t made mistakes, brother? My point is that we get second chances, and that’s why I’m here, brother, to get this country back on track, kick some serious butt, and wrestle our problems in that squared circle, brother, just like I did in the ring.”

A reporter spoke up. “You do realize wrestling is fake?”

Hogan looked annoyed, and told his spokesman, “Get that guy’s name, brother.”

The reporter carried on. “My point is you spent years in a scripted sports entertainment world where everything was fixed. Granted, you certainly must have done a whole lot of damage to your body over time, including, I suppose, to your brain...”

Hogan nodded as if to concede the point. “Okay, sure, that’s right, I mean, hell, my knees are shot to hell, brother, and as for my head... what were we talking about, brother? Oh, right. Anyway, let’s get back on track. Don’t go talking about wrestlin’ as fake, brother, because all those Hulkamaniacs out there believe in us and believe in me and want to see this country be champions again, and that’s why I’m here, brother. I’m here to put these pythons around the necks of those ISIS guys and start squeezin’, and when I’m done with them, I’ll be body slammin’ those Democrats in Congress. And when I’m done there, brother, you just know that I’m gonna pile drive Putin into the ground and do the big leg drop on him, brother...”

By this point, reporters were rolling their eyes and wondering just how dumb Hogan was- did it explain his repetitive use of the word brother? Of course, that was par for the course in this year’s GOP nominee list. Hogan paused, and looked at the crowd of reporters before carrying on. “I want to bring out the guy I’ve chosen to be my campaign manager and Secretary Of State once I get into the White House. I would have liked to have Roddy Piper do this job, but hey, he went off to that squared circle in the sky where the Big Man’s refereein’ all the wrestlin’ bouts until the end of time. Anyway, give it up for the one, the only... the Nature Boy, Ric Flair!”

Reporters shook their heads in dismay. Flair, whose time in the ring as a heel and a champion, has often paralleled Hogan’s run, came out on stage, strutting in a suit. Why anyone calls a man in his mid sixties by the term Nature Boy is another matter. He looked even more on the edge of a stroke than Hogan, his peroxide blond hair contrasting sharply with his red face. “Wooooooooooooooooooo!!!” he bellowed, walking up to Hogan and shaking his hand. “Can you believe it? The Hulkster running for President! And if that’s not enough, he’s got me as his right hand man, the limousine ridin’, jet flyin’, kiss stealin’, wheelin’ dealin’ son of a gun.”

Reporters were aghast. “You have got to be joking,” this reporter protested.

Hogan looked confused. “I have no idea what you’re talkin’ about, brother.”

“Look,” Flair added. “It’s very simple. To be the man, you’ve gotta beat the man.”

“What it all comes down to, brother,” Hogan blurted out. “Is this: Hulkamania’s running wild...”

“Despite that whole controversy about your bigoted remarks?” another reporter pointed out.

Hogan rolled his eyes. “Are we still on that? Can’t you people leave what’s in the past, in the past? What’s important right now is that we get into the White House where we can knock some heads around and suplex Congress and say to the French, whatcha gonna do when President Hulk runs wild on you????”

One reporter broke the awkward silence. “You do realize we’re not in some kind of conflict with France, do you?”

Flair shrugged. “Not yet!”

There was a rustle of noise from the back of the room. A crowd of reporters came in, surrounding blowhard tycoon Donald Trump, who of course has been making an ass of himself on the campaign trail every time he opens his mouth. He stopped, looking up at the stage, and called out, “Hey! I’m the only one in this building who should be having a campaign event today. What the **** is this?” He stormed up onto the stage. “This is unacceptable! Totally ****ing unacceptable!”

Flair rolled his eyes. Hogan sighed. “You haven’t gotten bored yet, Donald?” Hogan asked.

Trump sneered in that way only a Trump can. “ Who gave you the right to rain on my parade? You two are losers! Losers! You’re as big a pair of losers as those losers who don’t want me to be president of the United States! And as big a pair of losers as those people dumb enough to vote for me as president of the United States!”

“Are you aware you said that out loud, Mr. Trump?” a reporter asked.

Trump glared into the crowd. “Who the **** gave you permission to talk to me? I say a lot of stuff out loud!”

Before he could continue, Hogan walked over, grabbed him by the throat, and hit him. Flair dashed backstage, and came out with a steel chair. “Hulk!” he called out.

Hogan picked up Trump by the collar, pinned his arms behind him, and held him in place. Flair strode forward, the chair at the ready, and smacked Trump square in the face with it. The two wrestlers then proceeded to inflict elbow drops, leg drops, body slams, figure fours, piledrivers, body splashes, backbreakers, and other wrestling moves on the tycoon. Strangely, no one bothered to intervene.

After they were done, the two left the stage, chanting, “we’re number one”, while Trump staffers came forward, ascertaining that it had not, in fact, been a stunt and that their boss was bloody and battered. Paramedics were called for, and the Donald was removed from the scene by ambulance, looking like he had been trampled by elephants.

Republicans in Congress seemed pleased. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell seemed delighted as he spoke to reporters in that slow drawl. “Hogan and Flair took care of the Trump problem for us, so they’re welcome in the Republican fold.”

President Obama had to put out a minor diplomatic fire with the French, reassuring their President that Hogan and Flair are little more than halfwitted morons who will never actually get into the White House, even as visitors.

As for Trump himself, it appears the tycoon’s campaign may well be at an end. He’s currently laid up in a body cast, tended to by doctors and nurses, unable to communicate beyond tapping one unbroken pinkie finger on a computer screen. His daughter Ivanka had a brief written statement issued to the press: “My father has only been expressing one sentence, over and over, in his current state, and it is, I quote: someone kill Hulk Hogan and Ric Flair.”

My Fellow Americans, You Betcha!

Some links before getting started. Norma wrote about drive in theatres. Parsnip had a Square Dog Friday. Shelly had an extension on her online novel. Lynn had a Pop Culture Frenzy post. Ivy had a Friday Question.

Today I have something entirely different. Dick Cheney might want to have me come over for a hunting weekend after this. And we all know how hunting weekends turn up at Chez Cheney.

Insane Candidates Join The Fray; Comedians Everywhere Rejoice

St. Louis (AP) A crowded Republican list of candidates for the 2016 Presidential election just got more crowded. With frontline candidates such as Jeb Bush, Rand Paul, Ted Cruz, Rick Santorum, and Rick Perry, and a slew of fringe candidates that include the egomaniacal bankruptcy prone casino developer Donald Trump already announcing their run at the Oval Office or expected to announce soon, two other Tea Party favourites have announced their joint run at the Presidency in this Mid-Western city yesterday.

Tea Party faithful were gathered at the America’s Center complex, along with media and staffers for the announcement. A flurry of faded politicians, hard right commentators, and washed up musicians were in attendance. Donald Rumsfeld, Pat Buchanan, John Ashcroft, Karl Rove, Herman Cain, Ari Fleischer, Newt Gingrich, Glenn Beck, Ann Coulter, Rush Limbaugh, and the urn containing the ashes of the late and not lamented right wing blogger Andrew Breitbart were among the most notable. Rocker and deranged lunatic Ted Nugent and country singer Toby Keith provided the entertainment and made veiled threats about anyone prying their guns from their cold dead hands. Nugent went on to repeat his oft mentioned question about why he wasn’t dead or in jail all this time after the previous election, given his remarks about the President, and rambled on and on, leaving one to wonder if he was drunk.

Then it was time for the big announcement. That announcement, of course, would come after Limbaugh, Coulter, Rumsfeld, Cain, Gingrich, and forty seven people from the lives and backgrounds of the two candidates made rambling and glowing tributes to both of them. As to which of the two would be the actual candidate was another matter. Finally after Keith finished performing ‘Courtesy of the Red, White, And Blue’, the singer made the announcement the Tea Party faithful and the Fox News reporters had been dying to hear. Those of us who are actual reporters had been rolling our eyes for at least two hours, wondering why the Republican party couldn’t field candidates who weren’t clinically insane or viewing the world with a mindset sixty years behind the times.

“Ladies and gentlemen! Hard workin’ Americans!” Keith bellowed, smiling like the cat that ate the canary. “Here they are, your next President and Vice President... and they’ll explain how they’re going to get around that all by themselves, they’re going to take the country back and put the boot in the ass to all those liberal commie haters who can’t stand eatin’ good ol’ American style steak, ladies and gentlemen.... Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachmann!”

Palin and Bachmann came out on stage, flashing the same vacant, slightly demented smiles they’re known for, accompanied by husbands and children, all of whom stood behind them on the stage. “Hello, America!” Palin called out, waving.

“Thanks for coming to our coming out!” Bachmann added. “Not that kind of coming out, mind you, the good kind!”

“You betcha!” Palin said with a grin confirming she wasn’t playing with more than a pair of twos, a three of spades, a ten of clubs, and one jack. The rest of the proverbial deck of cards that constituted her brain was long gone. “Gosh, golly, there are a lot of candidates out there for the Republican nomination in 2016, but when it comes down to it, the only way we’re goin’ to get those Dumbocrats outta the White House and Congress and every state house is if the two of us lead the way!”

Bachmann nodded. “So we’re gonna be President and Vice President! Or Co-Presidents to be more exact. Palin and Bachmann! Bachmann and Palin!”

Palin smiled again. “And we’re a team! So we’re gonna do things as a team. For instance, one day I’ll be the one in the Oval Office makin’ the big decisions and the next day Michele’s gonna be President for the day, and so on and so on. Presidents in turn!”

Aside from Tea Party faithful and Fox reporters, who broke out into gleeful applause, real reporters rolled their eyes and groaned. Did neither of these halfwits understand the basic concepts of the Constitution and division of executive powers? A Reuters correspondent spoke up. “You do realize the Constitution might have something to say about that kind of arrangement.”

Palin shrugged. “The Constitution? Who cares about the Constitution?”

Bachmann nodded. “Yeah, we’re goin’ to have it burned after we impose martial law and name ourselves Presidents For Life anyway.”

Palin looked confused. “Did we just think that, or say that out loud?”

“I don’t know,” Bachmann replied. She laughed in her typically demented way. “Look, what’s important is takin’ this country back from those godless latte slurpin’ commie liberals gettin’ in our way. And we gotta set this country back to the way things oughtta be, isn’t that right, Rush?” Limbaugh nodded enthusiastically. “That means Republicans in charge of everything, opposition destroyed, liberals caged up in super prisons if they so much as look at us funny....”

“You do realize you just said that out loud, right?” this reporter called out.

Bachmann frowned. “What’s your name? You’re goin’ on the enemy list!”

Palin smiled, shrugged, and remarked, “what do you expect from the lamestream media? You know, you don’t like America, Mr. Fancy Pants Reporter, why don’t you go to Russia?  You can see it from my house, if you squint real hard. America’s ours, a God fearin’, butt kickin’, beer drinkin’ steak and eggs apple pie gosh golly country that’s the greatest country on Earth! Everybody else eats our dust!”

Bachmann carried on. “This is our vision for America: a country full of freedom and fire and brimstone preachin’ and Mom’s apple pie, and the right to bear arms bein’ the only part of the Constitution we’ll keep, and Ronald Reagan statues in every town, and marriage being only between a man and a woman, and sex only being after marriage for the purpose of havin’ babies, with all the lights turned off. And Alan Jackson and Toby Keith and Ted Nugent tourin’ the country performin’ and keepin’ the dream alive. And no more Obamacare and lots of tax cuts for our corporate buddies and beer all around. And the Dixie Chicks in a concentration camp for ever darin' to insult a Republican president, am I right, Toby?”

Toby Keith stood up and applauded. “You sure are! I hate those Dixie Chicks!”

Bachmann laughed. “And while we’re at it, we gotta bring the rest of the world to heel, right, Sarah?”

Palin nodded. “Absolutely. That means takin’ down that Putin guy once and for all, and droppin’ some nukes on South Korea, and while we’re at it, a few nukes all over the Middle East. Get rid of those Iraqi Anwar Sadat fans once and for all.” This reporter shook his head- did this woman even know when she was making factual errors?

Bachmann continued. “What the world needs to know is that we’re in charge. That means respectin’ us and doin’ what we say or pay the price.” The fact that she said that with her usual vacant smile made the expression all the more disturbing. “That also includes gettin’ even with that Mountie who came down here a few months ago and beat up a few thousand of Rush’s supporters.” Limbaugh was nodding enthusiastically at this point. “No one makes Dittoheads bleed and cry and gets away with it! Canada, either you give us that Metallica drummin’ Mountie so we can have him drawn and quartered, or we drop nukes on you!”

Palin nodded. “Gosh golly, when we’re through, those godless liberal commie fascists won’t recognize the land of the red, white, and blue!” This reporter sighed in dismay, expecting that the difference between communism and fascism was too complicated for the mind of Sarah Palin. “Michele and me, we’re gonna take this country in the right direction, and we’re gonna be the most benevolent overlord rulers of any country everywhere! We’re gonna get back to the basics, and that means steppin’ up and doin’ what we say, and that means you, Levi Johnston! Time to man up and marry Bristol, you punk! And sure enough, give those commie liberals enough time and they’ll come around to see things our way. Or we can just toss ‘em all into some concentration camp with the Dixie Chicks and the gays and the peace activists and the Supreme Court and the holdout Dumbocrats."

Michele smiled in that delirious way of hers. “God help America.... I mean, God bless America! Remember, in 2016, vote Palin and Bachmann!”

“Or Bachmann and Palin!” Palin added.  “Vote for us! You can trust us! I mean, what’s the worst that can happen?”

The two left the stage to the sound of Toby Keith and Ted Nugent jamming in a strange rendition of God Bless America. As to the question of what was the worst that could happen, this reporter was envisioning nuclear holocaust. Granted, what were the chances? Who in their right minds would even vote for this pair of dolts?

GOP party bosses were horrified at the prospect of Palin and Bachmann running for the nomination. The Koch brothers were busy hedging their bets, wondering how much bribe money would be needed to control them. This reporter wondered if the Koch brothers ever thought they’d be spending less money just paying taxes than blowing it on political manipulation. And up in Canada, RCMP Inspector Lars Ulrich was cautiously approached by other reporters, who informed him of the demand by the Palin/ Bachmann team. “Drawn and quartered?” he asked, smiling in a strange way. “Well, they’re welcome to try.”

Late night comedians were ecstatic at the thought of a Palin/Bachmann run at the nomination and the sheer possibility of ways they could work this into monologues. “However long this campaign lasts,” Conan O’Brien told reporters, “we’ll have plenty of material to use for years.”

Stephen Colbert, due to take over David Letterman’s old spot on the Late Show in September, mused on getting an early start to take advantage of the full comic possibilities that a Palin/ Bachmann ticket presented. And Jon Stewart, host of The Daily Show, soon to move on, was stunned to hear the news. He told reporters, “They choose now to run for the nomination? This is a dream come true. I wonder if it’s too late to change my mind.”

True North Strong And Full Of Yankees

New Day Arises In True North Strong And Free; First President Of New Country Growls and Howls

Ottawa (CP) July 2^nd, 2020. The transition for the inclusion of former American states into provinces of Canada has been completed yesterday in time for Canada Day. The movement, which started during the 2013 Congressional shutdown of the American government, saw a growing desire to join a country not being run by nutcases. Many eyes looked north to Canada, where at the time, the seeds of the Conservative government’s destruction were already being sown, as a place of sanity where universal health care was not an unreasonable concept, but a decades old institution.

The movement grew over time, bypassing the rancour and gridlock of Washington, as more and more people saw the benefits of Canadian citizenship, reaching out to Canada and asking for inclusion. And so the steps had begun in the dissolution of the Union, and a new day for Canada. Aside from the states of Texas, Arkansas, and Kansas, state after state ratified the Twenty Eighth Amendment dissolving the country and motioning for Canadian citizenship during negotiations with the new Canadian government. Texas, Arkansas, and Kansas have formed a union of their own in the south, run by interim President Rick “Quick Draw” Perry. Members of the disgraced Tea Party, creationist hardliners, survivalist groups, and assorted wingnuts have fled to what is now being called the United States of ArKanTexas. Florida has been set aside, in a manner of speaking, demoted to junior provincial status instead of joining Confederation as a province. “It was inevitable,” Alison Porter, a spokesperson for the Prime Minister said. “With the way Florida screwed up the election in 2000, we really can’t rely on them to know what they’re doing while voting. So they need to sit at the kid’s table, so to speak, for the next few decades and learn the ins and outs of Parliamentary democracy before they can be trusted again. On the other hand, we let them into Confederation just because we like having someplace warm to go for winter break.”

It’ll be a learning process for the new Canadians. Education is being brought up to speed throughout the former United States, stressing not only the essentials of languages, science, history, math, and geography, but ways to transition to the essence of Canadianness. “We’re getting people of all ages to adjust their mindset,” Terence LeGault, an official with Canadian Heritage told reporters. “New Canadians are learning the natural instinct of apologizing when someone bumps into you, for example. They’re learning how to add eh into every sentence, and the best way to eat Canadian bacon and poutine. Getting them weaned off the imperial system and into metric will take some time. This also applies to getting them to drink real beer. And the same goes for proper spelling. They’ve spent a couple hundred years dropping the u out of a lot of words, and that’s the kind of habit that’ll take time to correct. We’re also coaxing them into being less obsessed with football and to start to really appreciate the intricacies of hockey. And we kind of have to demonstrate how to make love in a canoe, which is another essential element to being a Canadian. It’s a work in progress, but we’ll get there.”

New Canadians are also being fed doses of maple syrup into their veins, to kickstart the blood into producing a steady supply of what already flows in the veins of any Canadian born north of what had been the border. It’s an essential requirement of Canadian citizenship. On Parliament Hill yesterday, Prime Minister Rick Mercer, the former comedian turned unlikely political leader, celebrated Canada Day with a vast crowd of Canucks. “On this new day for our country, we welcome those who were our neighbours into the fold. You’re all Canadians now. Welcome to the land of the sane and the reasonable, where the craziest thing we do is play hockey on outdoor rinks in our underwear. In a blizzard.”

It’s been an adjustment for the ranks of law enforcement as well. The Mounties remain the top law in the land, and have begun to absorb former agents of the FBI and DEA, who are now undergoing training on differing procedures in the RCMP. For a time, legendary Mountie Inspector Lars Ulrich was considered for the top post of the Mounties, but he refused, preferring to remain out in the field instead of being, in his words, “condemned to a desk job where I’d end up just being the old man. And don’t you even think of asking if I’m with Metallica.”

While former Americans adjust to life wearing toques and using proper English spelling, their former countrymen in ArKanTexas are unhappy. Wayne LaPierre, the former head of the National Rifle Association, which transferred its national headquarters to Dallas two years ago, is now the Secretary of Frontier Justice in the new republic. “Damned Canadians, all acting so polite and nice. And all the time they were planning to take us over. Well, these good ol’ boys ain’t going quietly into the night, no sir! We’re all still patriots, and we’re armed to the teeth. Granted, we haven’t got nukes, otherwise we’d be using them... did I say that out loud?”

One time Alaska governor Sarah Palin and former Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann have taken positions in the Cabinet of the new republic. The former is the Secretary Of Education. The latter is the Secretary of State. They join such partisan figures as Todd Akin, recently named Secretary For Women’s Rights And Obligations, and Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck, named co-Secretaries For Propaganda. “We’re gonna be teachin’ all the kids about Adam and Eve walkin’ around with the dinosaurs, you betcha!” Palin told reporters gathered in Austin. “I mean, really, forget something as minor as climate change. We all know that’s bunk, yep. All science is nothing more than a myth, and we’re bannin’ myths like that from the classroom.”

Bachmann nodded. “It’s a new day for America, and ArKanTexas is gonna fulfill the dreams and wishes of the Founding Fathers by being completely cluster**** insane in everything we do on the world stage. Starting by declaring war on Australia.”

Vice President Ted Cruz, from his home near Austin, shook his head as he spoke to reporters. “They’ll be back. I swear, they’ll be back. Once they realize how cold a Canadian winter is, all those simpering gutless cowards who thought being Canadian was a good idea will come begging us to let them back in. And that’s when we’ll really rub it in on them. Yes, it’ll take a lot more than just pleading for us to let them back into the greatest country the world has ever known. Til then, ArKanTexas is open for business, boys and girls, emphasis on boys, because, hey, we all think there was nothing wrong with the world back in the 1950s when Father Knew Best and women were in the kitchen.”

President Perry, from his Presidential Mansion in Austin, issued this statement. “We deplore the disgraceful betrayal by so many American citizens. I mean, just because things got a little hectic a few years back and Congress screwed the pooch. That don’t give people the right to ask to join a country that ain’t insane. Y’all ain’t got the right to up and quit on us. So as far as we’re concerned, the great experiment that is America still carries on. It’s right here, in the land of the free and the brave and the totally crazy, where we believe in liberty and happiness and guns for all. Where we know the world is only a few thousand years old, where Thanksgiving is always in November, and where y'all can drive down to the corner store with a missile launcher in the back of your pickup truck. Like Moses and Jesus said y'all could. Yee haw!”

Former Vice President Dick Cheney, who moved to a new ranch in Texas before the dissolution of the Union, was reached for comment at home. “Didn’t have a choice,” he said. “I can’t live in a country run by socialists, which we all know Canada is. I mean, universal health care is a socialist idea! And I don’t look good in a toque, can’t be all polite and all, and don’t understand why anyone likes that awful maple syrup. Besides, at least in ArKanTexas, I’m still free to shoot a lawyer in the face whenever I want.”