Alpacalypses And Weasels

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Dick Cheney And The Scammer Brigade

Before beginning, in regards to the former vice president of the title, I doubt he'd much approve of what follows. And that's okay. Because I don't much approve of him.

No matter that they're ignored, deleted, and treated like garbage, they never stop: the spammers and the internet scammers. They attempt to leave comments at our posts or send us junk email for things we don't like. Spam filters usually catch the lot of them, but not always. I check my junk folders just in case- periodically things that are not spam end up as such. And sometimes spam ends up getting past the filters and getting published as a comment. Not for long though- the moment I see it, the faster it is disposed of in the inferno of the spam folders where it belongs. And every once in awhile, an attempted internet scammer email shows up. Such as this short one, which found its way to my email account some days ago.

Hello Dear,

This is to officially inform you that a total of $ 3Million USD has been donated to you by Halliburton Company.The Halliburton Company, an American multinational corporation, is one of the world's largest oil field service companies, with operations in more than 80 countries. You have been selected as one of the STAR prize winner.

Kindly contact via Email: claimscenter0299@gmail.com Send your Name, Tel number: and Address to proceed.

Thank you.

Mary Mansfield

Ah, yes, some of the hallmarks of the traditional homo sapien scammeritus annoyingus. The overly familiar greeting starts it all off: "Hello Dear." This from someone I've never met, taking liberties with me already. First off: nobody calls me dear. Least of all a total stranger trying to swindle money out of me. Second, it's called capitalization rules, dumbass- there's no need to capitalize dear.

Capitalization is an issue throughout, with words that are capitalized that don't require it, as well as spacing and punctuation issues, all hallmarks of the scammer. Spelling isn't as big an issue as I've seen with other scammers, though winner really should be winners. 

But then there's the claim about Halliburton.

Seriously? 

A company that's made a killing for decades off of pillaging, destroying, taking, and war mongering is going to "donate" three million in US currency to me? A company that embodies the very essence of what most people find utterly repugnant? A company that savaged civil rights and enabled the dark side of the Force mentality behind those who brought you the Iraq War (aka Iraq 2: This Time It's Personal) all for the sake of the almighty dollar? That Halliburton? 

You didn't need to do the Wikipedia copy and paste job either, Mary. We all know what Halliburton is.

This guy helped them make a bloody fortune back in the day.

Yes, Halliburton. The oil multinational firm of eternal darkness that profited handsomely off of the Iraq War. Home for many a year to Dick Cheney in between Administration jobs, where he was CEO for a time, and where he cast his baneful glare out over Middle Earth. 

Wait. 

No. I take that back. 

That was a grave insult. To Sauron, who at least had lines he would not cross.

Sauron, I apologize. We all know you wouldn't have shot your lawyer friend in the face.

Yes, Dick Cheney, who never saw an opportunity to spew venom that he would pass up on. Dick Cheney, the ultra vindictive, ultra partisan Dark Lord of the Sith who took his lessons in evil from Emperor Palpatine himself and then outdid his master. The former vice president you would never want to go hunting with. The same man who mused that torture was a good thing, that violating civil rights was something to be shrugged at, and who pretty much masterminded the debacle that was the Iraq War.

That guy.

Dick Cheney, lord of darkness and the stuff of nightmares. We're talking about a guy who has already lived longer than he should, courtesy of a donor heart to replace the black void that was there before. Side note to the doctors: that black void is Dick Cheney, and is working on consuming the donor heart, so in about five years, you'll be putting another heart into the evil old bastard's chest cavity, depending on how much loose change from his Halliburton stock he wants to use to buy one.

You're expecting me to believe, Mary, that a company that isn't known for generosity but is known for unbridled greed and a total lack of ethics, a company that's still tight with the Prince Of All Evil, is going around giving out money to complete strangers.

Nice try, Mary. Or whatever the hell your real name is, because let's face it, it's not Mary Mansfield. Mary Mansfield is the name of someone you expect to be running a bed and breakfast in the New England countryside, not spending time trying to scam people online.

 Like all of your predecessors in the internet scammer game, you're barking up the wrong tree. I've gotten quite used to your methods and tell tales, and starting off with "Hello Dear" set my Scammer Sense (similar to Spider-Sense) going off full tilt.

Why don't you try this little stunt somewhere else? Like on a hunting trip with the Master of Evil himself?

Not Exactly Your A-List Talent

So there's that whole inauguration thing in a couple of days. I decided to take shots not at the President-Elect (with one or two exceptions), but at the sort of "notable talent" that his inauguration might attract.

Top Notch Music Acts Fail To Materialize For Inauguration

Washington D.C. (Reuters) Last minute preparations are underway for the Friday inauguration of the president-elect after a divisive campaign on both sides. Boasts of millions of people attending the occasion have been met by shrugs from the city’s police, who expect less. American politicians and foreign diplomats have gone out of their way to explain why they’ll be doing other things that day. The president-elect has spent recent days picking fights with civil rights legends. And after previous inaugurations that have featured A-list singers, this occasion features anything but that.

The B-Street Band, a Bruce Springsteen tribute band that was booked years ago for the Garden State Gala the day before the inauguration, pulled out after criticism from fans, citing respect for Springsteen, who has been quite vocal in his dislike for the president-elect. Broadway singer Jennifer Holliday cancelled her own involvement. The president-elect’s team have had no end of headaches in getting any notable entertainer to show up. “It’s like this, and don’t use my name,” an anonymous Republican insider told this reporter. “It’s not like there are a lot of successful Republicans in Hollywood, but those few that are out there want nothing to do with showing up for this whole thing. I mean, seriously? We’ve got Chachi and some guy who was in a soap opera twenty years ago and neither of who have worked since. Those are the only actors who want to be there. And we’ve got Kid Rock, Ted Nugent, and Toby Keith lined up to perform. This is hardly what you’d think of as A-list talent, you know what I mean?”

Scott Baio, forever doomed to be known as Chachi, or Charles, if you’re really stretching his resume to include Charles In Charge, has been boasting as of late that he will surely have a cabinet or diplomatic position waiting. “Secretary Of Entertaining Propaganda!” Baio declared in a bar in Los Angeles last week as onlookers rolled their eyes. “Or Ambassador to Bermuda! I can lie on the beach all week and work on my tan. I mean, really, how hard can it be to be an ambassador? They work, what? Two hours a month?”

Antonio Sabato Jr., the aforementioned former soap star, has other ambitions. Reached by reporters in Washington, where he’s attending the run-up to the inauguration, the one-time heart throb and one note actor, wants back in familiar territory. “I want back on General Hospital,” he explained. “And I want the whole show to revolve around me, and when I’m not on the screen, people should be asking where my character is. Oh, and I never get written out. That’s iron clad. Fortunately now we have a president-elect who’s going to make sure that happens. General Hospital will soon be retitled General Hospital, Starring The World’s Greatest Actor, Antonio Sabato Jr. Is that a great title or what? Hey, stop snickering!”

In Moscow, President Vladimir Putin, the five foot four tall wannabe Tsar, is pleased by the impending inauguration. “Da, I am happy,” he told reporters after his latest staged photo op designed to stave off the ravages of time and create the impression he’s a tough guy. It involved racing around on a snowmobile bare chested and crossing the finish line before other competitors- all of whom were clearly holding back. “We have our strings to pull and the new president does what I say. He is, what you call? Yes, he is a puppet. Good times, my friends. Good times for Vladimir! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go to my hollowed out volcano base and prepare my doomsday death ray.”

The failure of any substantial music act to sign on for the inauguration has caused the Trump team a great deal of problems in the days leading up to the event. “It’s very simple, and don’t use my name,” a key insider for the transition told reporters while desperately smoking a cigarette. “Damn things’ll kill me someday, but hey, if you gotta go, why not take a drag on a Marlboro? Anyway, where were we? Oh, right. Springsteen told us to go **** ourselves and said he’d never play for that... well, he used a colourful metaphor. So, I yelled at him that it’s President Asshole to him, and he should just get in line and bow down at the feet of the greatest of all presidents. Long story short, I’ve now got a restraining order against me by Mr. Not Born In The USA Springsteen. To be fair, it’s the four hundred seventy first restraining order against me, but between you and me, none of that is my fault.”

And so desperate times have called for desperate measures. Instead of A-list talent, the key entertainers for the occasion are three musicians. If you want to call them musicians. Ted Nugent has been irrelevant since the 1970s, known more in recent years for rather extreme views and instability. Kid Rock, who peaked in the 1990s and inexplicably is still using the Kid label despite being a balding man in his mid-forties. Toby Keith is a country act known for shamelessly promoting himself as a true patriot and picking fights with anyone who disagrees. Not one of these three could really be considered A-list talent, but all spoke out in support of the president-elect at one point or another during the campaign.

The first anonymous Republican insider sighed at the prospects. “So we’ve got a racist lunatic who crapped himself to get out of ‘Nam. We’ve got a wash-up singer who thinks he’s still a kid. And we’ve got a country singer who’s known for picking fights with the Dixie Chicks. Did I mention Toby wants to be appointed the Secretary For Kicking People In The Hindquarters? That’s not the word he used. These are the people who are going to be performing. We’ve got a betting pool going on as to how long it takes Nugent to insult the West Coast. I’ve got twenty bucks down on thirty five seconds.”

The three musicians have been doing sound checks for their performances, appearing together on stage while preparations continued. Kid Rock has stapled his hat to his head, lest it blow off and reveal the state of his hairline. “No big fans!” he yelled on Tuesday to workers at the Capitol. “My hat blows off on Friday, I’m gonna take it out on you, Pedro! No, I don’t care what your name is, you look like a Pedro!”

Keith, who’s never seen without a cowboy hat (leaving one wondering about the state of his hairline), and who spent the early part of his career with the mullet from hell, shrugged at his colleague. “Have you tried superglue? Keeps the hat straight on, don’t need to worry about it.”

Nugent seemed unhinged, ceasing to play his guitar, and spoke to the others. “I’ll tell you this, if Obama is re-elected to a third term, I’ll be dead or in jail inside of six months. I guarantee it.”

Keith looked puzzled- one expects it to be a common occurrence to the singer. “Um, Ted, I might be wrong here, but I don’t think he can be re-elected. Besides, we’re playin’ for the president-elect. The new guy. Donald Trump, remember?”

Nugent looked wide eyed. “Wait a minute, I thought we were playing for my inauguration! Didn’t I get elected to be President?” The reporters sighed, collectively rolling their eyes, and walked away. Nugent yelled at them, knocking over the mike. “Hey! Get back here! Don’t you walk away from me when I’m talking to you! Pay attention to me!”

In the opinion of this reporter, it’s too bad the gun loving Nugent has never met with a hunting accident. Perhaps a hunting excursion with Dick Cheney could solve the problem.