The Escape Of A Nonagenarian

 

Elderly Serial Killer Escapes From Prison, Kills Forty Seven People On The Way Out

Calgary (AP) The world's most notorious serial killer is out on the loose after a daring escape from the  Stormhaven Women's Prison on the weekend. The jailbreak involved hostages, exchanges of gunfire with prison guards, and the brutal slaughter of twenty guards, nineteen inmates, and eight visitors. It was committed by someone who, at first glance, you wouldn't expect it out of. A ninety two year old grandmother-like figure who, nonetheless, has gone down in history as the world's most prolific murderer.

We speak, of course, of Jessica Fletcher.

Fletcher was once the esteemed mystery novelist known for involving herself in police investigations in her home town of Cabot Cove and beyond. Cabot Cove, a sleepy community in Maine, was deemed the world's most dangerous place to live with more murders per capita in each year for a village of its size. Fletcher was known to meddle in police cases of the latest murder, conveniently pointing the finger at the likely suspect. Only later did it come out that Fletcher framed each and every one in a systematic way. Innocent people were executed or imprisoned for years. Her trail of destruction is thought to consist of thousands of victims over decades.

When the truth finally came out, Fletcher was arrested in Canada for a series of murders by the legendary RCMP inspector Lars Ulrich, the world's crankiest lawman. Her spree of crimes began to be exposed in the aftermath of that arrest, and it was noted throughout the pre-trial and trial process that Fletcher became fixated on Ulrich, often threatening the Mountie in court in graphic ways. While other jurisdictions conducted their own investigations, based on the acquisition of Fletcher's diaries, and compiled lists of murders attributable to her, the primary case against her proceeded in Canada, where custody of the suspect deemed the Crown's case against the author to allow for first dibs in prosecution. Other jurisdictions have since, in absentia, run trials against Fletcher and secured convictions, adding on to her multiple life sentences. 

Fletcher seemed to take to life in prison in stride, enjoying the notoriety of a serial killer. Despite her advanced age, she quickly established herself as the alpha in the prison population, killing three rivals in her first two days behind bars. She was known, following her conviction, to rant about Ulrich constantly, while her supporters insisted that she was framed for murder and was in fact innocent of all crimes she was accused and convicted of.

On Sunday she received a visitor from the Free Jessica Fletcher Committee, one Alison Gaines, the vice president of the committee's fundraising committee, taking her hostage, turning the prison into a bloodbath of stabbings, shootings, and explosions before taking a facility director's car and killing her hostage as the last of the forty seven dead of her latest rampage. She was last seen driving west, with the car abandoned two hours later. A rash of car thefts may or may not have to do with her.

Across the world, people are wary of the threat presented by the elderly but deadly serial killer. Her nephew Grady Fletcher, reached at home, was resigned to it all. "It's such a shock," he told reporters by phone. "Even knowing all she has done, it's hard to reconcile my dear sweet aunt with the monster that she's been portrayed as. Someone must have made a mistake somewhere along the line."

Senator Ted Cruz, often jokingly accused of being the Zodiac Killer by late night comedians, had his own take on the matter. "You know, it may well be that Jessica Fletcher was the real Zodiac Killer and at some point suggested to one of those late night comedy writers that it was me. It's a conspiracy, and I want it investigated by the Justice Department and Fox News. Don't forget, Tucker, you owe me."

Police on both sides of the border are extensively hunting for Fletcher in the wake of her escape. An examination of her jail cell found multiple handwritten notes and photographs of Inspector Ulrich with his eyes scratched out, along with a bizarre manifesto promising to torture the Inspector and cannibalize him while he was still alive. "It's a profound obsession," consulting psychologist Dr. Julia Denham said. "This is the man who finally ended her crime spree, and that's unacceptable for someone as deeply psychopathic as Fletcher. She won't rest until she has him in her grasp."

Even though they're not that Lars Ulrich, multiple people by the name Lars Ulrich around the world have gone to police precincts and stations for protection. That includes the other Lars Ulrich, the deafened Metallica drummer who doesn't look anything like the Mountie. Lars, reached from an undisclosed location with a panic room, spoke to this reporter by phone, sounding worried and frantic. "It's crazy, man, totally *****ing crazy. This batshit crazy old codger is out to kill Lars ****ing Ulrich! And that's me! But it's not me, it's that other Lars Ulrich. Why the **** did we both have to be named Lars Ulrich?"

Where is the most prolific serial killer of all time? Time will tell. She is now the subject of the biggest manhunt of all time, with multiple police jurisdictions searching for her on either side of the border. She is not to be underestimated, having had shown for years a resourcefulness and cunning personality hidden behind a grandmotherly charm. The RCMP has warned that she is to be considered extremely dangerous, past ninety or not, and asks that anyone seeing her not attempt to engage her but call police immediately.

As for the Inspector? The world's grouchiest lawman was reached by reporters in Vancouver, where he had chased Godzilla into the sea after an epic pursuit across the western mountains. The giant lizard was last seen swimming past Vancouver Island at a fast clip. Reassured by reporters that they all knew he was not that Lars Ulrich, the legendary Mountie seemed more at ease. "Yes, I know that battleaxe escaped. And yes, I expect she wants to even the score with me. Am I concerned? Not really."

"She is a notorious serial killer," one reporter pointed out.

Ulrich nodded. "And people should take that seriously. I put nothing past her. But her chances against me? A snowball has a better chance in hell."

"What do you think about her intention to cannibalize you while you're still alive?" this reporter asked.

"First, that she'd have to get me in that position first, which isn't likely," Ulrich said. "Second, I think that she's bat shit crazy."

And so it is. Somewhere out there in the Canadian West, a blood crazed serial killer with a habit of framing people for her murders over afternoon tea is on the loose. People have died. More people may yet die. And the world's grouchiest lawman is ready for whatever comes next.

Especially punching out entertainment reporters if they mistake him for the other Lars Ulrich.

South Of The Border, Down Mexico Way

Ted Cruz Self-Quarantining After Cancun Trip During State Disaster; Sam Houston Rolls Over In Grave

Washington (AP). In a year that has already seen the bizarre and promises more of the same, the polarizing junior senator from the state of Texas is in a world of trouble. More so than usual. Ted Cruz (R-Texas) is well known as something of a volatile politician, climate change denier, source of controversy, and apologist for the former president (who incidentally is presently exiled at Mar-a-Lago and promising 'revenge bigly' on the planet). Cruz, often suspected of being the Zodiac Killer, made headlines recently for his latest gaffe: jetting off for a vacation to Cancun with his wife and daughters.

While his home state of Texas became frozen by a winter storm that took down the power grid and affected millions of Texans.

It's been a difficult year for the world. The Covid-19 pandemic continues to loom over all. It's especially hit hard in the United States, where the policies of the previous administration seemed to exasperate the issue. Deep divisions run rampant in the country, personified in the January 6th invasion of the Capitol by Trump supporters. President Biden is working to repair the damage left behind by the Trump administration. And Cruz, true to form, has been an obstructionist since the dawn of the new administration.

And then Mother Nature came along.

Winter has been a hard one in many parts of North America. Some of those places are used to hard winters. Others are not. The state of Texas was slammed by a storm that tracked its way across much of the continent. In its wake was a deep cold, ice, bursting pipes, and the collapse of the power grid. Millions of the state's residents have been affected in one way or another. Over four million were left without power. Millions more were cut off from access to drinking water. 

And in the midst of all this, Ted Cruz jetted off to Cancun with his wife Heidi and their daughters Caroline and Catherine, leaving the state behind at the worst possible moment.

Natural disasters can be a boon or a nightmare for a politician. Competence and concern can lead to the former. Incompetence the latter. The conventional wisdom suggests that you ensure responders have the resources they need, show up and tour the damage, talk to people affected, show some concern... and don't commit a gaffe. Conventional wisdom also suggests that taking a vacation while your constituency is suffering is a really, really bad thing.

And yet Cruz and the family headed to Cancun for some time in the sun regardless. Dogged by controversy, Cruz returned days ago to much furor as Texans fought to cope with the disaster. Claiming that he wanted to be a good dad to his daughters and give them a break, figuratively throwing them under the bus for his own stupid decision, Cruz was seen walking through an airport, spoke briefly to reporters, wearing a mask for what seems to be the first time since Covid started. How long has that been again?

And so the recriminations are being tossed back and forth. Cruz and his family are engaged in the standard fourteen day quarantine after their vacation was so rudely interrupted by a nasty winter storm. People are demanding that he resign. Other political figures picked up the slack during his absence and undertook measures to help Texans trying to cope with the current state of things. Power companies are making excuses about their own incompetence.

Cruz has admitted that the vacation was a mistake. One wonders why he didn't see that in advance. But Ted Cruz has often shown an appalling lack of judgment in pretty much everything in life, along with an obliviousness to anything beyond himself. A man who blames his vacation on his daughters isn't much of a man.

In the aftermath, Cruz has become an object of ridicule and scorn online and beyond, with memes depicting him in various settings toting a luggage bag. More scorn than usual, because to be perfectly clear, it's pretty easy to make fun of Ted Cruz, since he routinely offers no shortage of inspiration in that regard pretty much every single day of the year.

Has his luck run out? That is the question. Cruz has managed to spend a career getting himself into trouble and offering half hearted mea culpas after the fact. He has spent years living with the absurd suspicion that he is, in fact, the Zodiac Killer (note to readers: he's not). His supporters have overlooked those gaffes. But now, in the wake of a devastating winter storm that has left many of them suffering, how forgiving are they willing to be of a man who decided time in the sun was more important than living up to his responsibilities? Time will tell.

The Republican party at the national level has enough problems these days. One of their own being tone deaf to reality doesn't help... especially when so many of the rest of them have the same terrible affliction. Even so, CancunGate presents the GOP with another problem to the mountain of problems. What do you do with a Ted Cruz when he's outlived his usefulness and his own state is screaming for his blood?

To be fair, it must be tough for Ted Cruz to be Ted Cruz right now. Seeing protestors outside his home every day during his quarantine demanding that he resign. Seeing the looks on the faces of his daughters, who know that he tried to cast them as the reason for the vacation and deflect responsibility for his own dumbassery. It's a lonely place to be in.

In closing, a psychic in Dallas reported making contact with the spirit of the legendary Texas leader Sam Houston yesterday. Madame Ballard The All Seeing, as she calls herself, reported that Houston was not impressed by the current situation. "To use his precise words about the senator, Houston exclaimed, 'he's an asshole!'"

Straight Out Of The Facebook Cooler

A note in advance: there's a bit of foul language involved in what lies ahead. Justified in this case.

Of course it happened again. 

It was inevitable. 

Yes, I was in Facebook Jail again for thirty days.

And as usual, no matter how many times I tried to complain that I didn't agree with this and I thought it was wrong, the system said, 'we're sorry, this isn't working, try again later.' And as usual there was silence from Facebook. If it was possible to post in their Help Center (it isn't when you're under suspension) there wouldn't be answers from there. Because nobody from Facebook actually works there, or is held accountable in any way. And so I was stuck, not able to like, comment, or post birthday wishes. I resorted, as usual, to using my shadowy alter ego for the month.

Where did it all start? Late in September I was scrolling through Canadian media pages on the site. Municipal election campaigns were underway in the province of Ontario. Mayor and city council posts were being contended. In Toronto, the mayoral election included the incumbent, who won, and a series of other candidates. One of whom happens to be a white supremacist.

Faith Goldy is the white supremacist in question. A former contributor for a right wing 'media' website, (if you want to call it media; the site pretty much can be summed up as Angry Old White Guys Yelling), she had a checkered past in terms of her media assignments, contributing for a variety of publications before that website. Finally the site owner, a snivelling little spineless bastard with a mad-on for the world, even had enough of her when she made an appearance on a neo-Nazi website and fired her.  She mocked counter-protestors at Charlottesville, claimed that the police were biased against the tiki torch polo shirt wearing alt right marchers at Charlotteville (the very people who were screaming 'blood and soil' and marching like something out of a Leni Reifenstahl propaganda film).

She's used white supremacist slogans, said things that fit right in with that extremist mentality, and refused to back down from that world view. She's made it brutally clear where her sympathies lie- with the conspiracy theorists and the white power groups and the manifestos of dirtbags like Richard Spencer,  So yes, her own record establishes her as a white supremacist. Call her what you want- white supremacist, white nationalist, alt right, far right. Either way, she's a hate mongering bigot. Who has a following of hate mongering bigots.

And so she ran for mayor of Toronto. Three percent of voters in the city actually voted for her, which means there are a lot of bigots in Toronto. Enough for a few thousand votes her way. And it gave her the attention she so desperately craves. She behaved as you'd expect- disrupting a debate she was not invited to, complaining about the media who would not give her a platform for her right wing views, and inspiring a pack of hate mongering jackasses just like her to follow her like a pack of rats following the pied piper.

Where did I get in trouble for all this? In late September, one of those followers was persistently posting Faith for Mayor hashtags in multiple Canadian media pages on Facebook. I get it, fine. She thinks the way you do, says the things you say to your bartender every night about how 'those people' are getting ahead and you're not (note to the average Faith supporter: it's not them that's the reason your life is such a clusterfuck, it's you), and she's easy on the eyes, right? That's the draw for you.

So I did what I tend to do when dealing with idiots, assholes, and bigots. I treat them with ridicule, scorn, and the contempt that they so richly deserve. That's my go to response. I see a supporter of a woman who's an avowed and established white supremacist and peddler of hatred and racism, and as far as I'm concerned, that supporter is a white supremacist too. I see no reason in being polite or civil to a white supremacist. Ever. 

What did Facebook do to me? Well, for a comment that didn't come anywhere near to violating their community standards (they never do, but that doesn't stop Facebook from going to the same response), they turfed me for thirty days. This time they actually gave me an option- to write a response as to why I felt this was incorrect. I stressed that Faith Goldy was a well established white supremacist in Canada, and that by extension her supporters were as well. I noted that in protecting the individual I heckled, Facebook was protecting a white supremacist. Taking the side of a bigot as opposed to taking the side of someone standing up to a bigot.

Facebook's response? We don't care, go to hell, thirty days in the hole.

And so from that point on, total silence from Facebook. No appeals, nothing. No posting in the Help Center, no likes, no comments, nothing under my regular name. The only thing I could do under my regular name was to report things that supposedly violate their community standards. Which I did on occasion. And I can tell you that 99 times out of a hundred when I do that, the same response always comes back. "This does not violate our community standards." I've reported things that constitute hate speech in the past. I've repeatedly reported an immigration consultant of all things (once based out of Britain, now apparently in South Africa) for things that are vicious, vile, and hate mongering bigotry. Facebook claims he's fine. I've reported people threatening death or harm on others. I've reported remarks about musing on raping a woman. All perfectly fine as far as Facebook is concerned. And yet they slap me around with thirty day suspensions for things that never come anywhere near to that. It's two faced fucking hypocrisy.

During this latest stint in the cooler, one of the things I reported was a series of comments from someone  with a serious grudge against police. His comments included a series of hashtags- save a life; kill a cop. Death penalty for cops. That sort of thing. Obviously a problem just waiting to happen, the sort of person who ends up on the news someday for all the wrong reasons.

It's one thing to criticize the police. You can point out the statistics about a disproportionate number of young African-American men getting killed by police. Many of them doing nothing that would warrant getting gunned down during a routine traffic stop, for instance. You can point out the fact that so often the response of police to any accusation is to circle the wagons around their own- good cops protecting the bad ones who don't deserve protection. These are legitimate concerns that I have, and that many people would have.

It's quite another to post death wishes repeatedly about the police.

But no, Facebook thinks that's just fine. "This does not violate our community standards." As usual, that's the response I got for flagging it.

So, as usual I got put into a time out for treating a bigot the way he more than has coming. While the bigots just routinely get away with everything. And as usual there's never a response out of Facebook. It's not as if complaining about this in their Help Center will ever lead anyone. No one from Facebook actually goes there. There's no accountability, no appeals, nothing. Facebook just silences you. 

Congratulations, Mark Zuckerberg. You've created a monster. Or maybe the monster is you.

Maybe both. 

Because as long as you give a free pass to hate speech while treating people standing up to hate speech like the way I've been repeatedly treated, as long as your site refuses to actually deal with the public in a meaningful way, as long as your community standards remain persistently two faced and hypocritical, this problem is only going to get worse.

In closing, Mark, someday when you find yourself passing from this world into the next, I mean this from the bottom of my heart.

Give my regards to hell, you bastard.

Go Ahead And Vote For The Real Evil

Today I have another image blog. Enjoy!