Return Of The Internet Scammer

Before I posted the last post on internet scammers, I got another one in my junk email that simply had to be addressed. This of course is one of the half a million random email addresses that a useless, tedious, pointless schmuck like an internet scammer sends things to, hoping that someone out there is dumb enough to bite at the bait.

And of course there always is.

For the vast majority of those receiving it who know better, well, that's what the trash bin of our email accounts is for. 

Here we have it.

Dear Friend, Good day , 

I hope this mail meets you well. I duly apologize if I am interfering with your privacy if this request is not acceptable to you.  

My name is Evans Broker I am a Banker, I am  contacting you because you share the same last name with our client who died of Covid-19 with his wife and his two sons in March (2020).The Bank has been on the outlook to contact his next of kin without success hence I contacted you since you shear same surname with our client. 

I want to present you as the next of Kin / beneficiary for immediate payment of this fund.. As of today my client's cash investment with the Bank Stands at US$140 Million (One Hundred and Forty Million United States Dollars ) 

Get back to us, if you are interested for more information through my private email address below  

(evansbroker1991@gmail.com)  lindamakalima@workmail.co.za 

Opportunity comes but once 

Best Regards. 

Evans Broker .and Mrs Linda  Makalima 

Of course there's the usual formal tone of the whole thing that reads like a person who doesn't actually speak English. They capitalize words that don't need it, screw up punctuation, and write this whole thing as if it went through translation software. I mean, Evans Broker? Oh, sure, that sounds like the name of an actual human being. He screws up the spelling of a fairly common word- share, writing it as shear.

He claims to be apologizing if he's interfering with my privacy (he is), and claims that I'm being contacted because I share the same surname as a client who died of Covid, with his wife and family back in 2020. He also says that his client was worth 140 million American dollars, which he has to write out twice in case I wasn't paying attention.

First off, my actual surname is relatively rare. And none of my relatives bought the farm from Covid. So I know that's nonsense. Second, I know this is nonsense in general, since no banker would propose an illegal scheme to pass me off as the next of kin to their client (they'd be too busy trying to figure out how to siphon off every cent of that unclaimed estate). 

But there is not unclaimed money, because there's no dead person involved here. All we have here is the typical homo sapiens spammeritis annoyingus. A vile, despicable excuse for a human being.

No, what this is all about is sending the same email out to half a million random email addresses on the hopes that a handful of them will be dumb enough to bite. And then find themselves paying a processing fee of several thousand dollars before they wise up and realize they got scammed.

But by then it's too late. Because by then, whoever "Evans Broker" really is (not to mention his accomplice Linda Makalima, who doesn't even make an appearance until the end of the scam email) will be long gone.

Nice try, dumbass.

Why don't you do something useful with your time?

I suggest lying in the middle of the street.

So you can get run over by a steam roller.

Revenge Of The Internet Scammer

Of course they never stop. I refer to that vile, repugnant, pointless sub-species of humanity referred to as homo sapiens spammeritis annoyingus. The internet spammer. Regardless of how many times we see their infernal spam comments in our blogs having nothing at all to do with the subject, saying "please read my blog" for instance (Rajani Rehana, I'm looking at you- you are of course the numbskull who infamously left that comment on a post written by a woman dealing with a cancer diagnosis. That is an absolute scumbag sort of thing to do, but that's the sort of person you are). Regardless of how many times we see their emails sent to thousands of people with a get rich quick scheme that is just that: a scheme.

Take a look at the following, which turned up in my email last month. All I have removed from it was the email link.

( URGENT REPLY BEFORE IS LATE)
Note: If you found this email in your junk/spam, its because of your
internet isp server.


Congratulations,You have been gifted $1.5 Million United State Dollars in 2023 Donation Funds,Contact us at this email for your claim:

Dear Lucky Winner with great hope this massage will reach you and your entire family in a very good health condition as I know you will be curious to know why you were selected to receive a cash sum of $1,500,000,00 USD.

I Mr.Bernard Jean ?tienne Arnault a French business magnate, An investor and art collector, I am the chairman and chief Executive officer of LVMH, The world's largest luxury-goods company, I am mapping out this donation funds every year to 20 countries all over the world where our company is been located in the world.
 
I decided to donate the sum of $1,500,000,00 USD to you as part of our charity project to improve the lot of 20 lucky individuals all over the world from our ($16.5 Billion) United State Dollars Mapped for the on going 2022 Donation.All lucky winners were random selected from Microsoft email owners list as to make sure this put on in the internet for the world to see, I have decided to do one thing I promised God forever as you could see from the web page above am not getting any younger and you can imagine i have no much time to live although am a Billionaire Investor and we have helped some charity organizations from our Fund for the past years.
 
Much of the money has been shared to our immediate family members before deciding to donate the remaining of the Billions to other individuals around the world, the local fire department, the red cross, Haiti, hospitals, and some other organizations in Asia and Europe that fight cancer, Alzheimer's and diabetes and the bulk of the funds deposited with our payout bank of this charity donation.

I have kept just 40% of the entire sum for my self for the remaining days because I am old and very sick, To facilitate the payment process of the funds ($1,500,000.00 USD) which have been donated solely to you, you are to send us
 
Your Full Name:
Your Contact Address:
Name of City of Residence:
Country of Residence:
Direct Mobile Telephone Number:
Your Marital Status:
Your Age and Occupation:
 
So that I can forward your payment information to you immediately, I am hoping that you will be able to use the money wisely and judiciously over there in your country, Please, you have to do your part to also alleviate the level of poverty in your region, help as many you can help once you have this money in your personal account because that is the only objective of donating this money to you in the first place, I like to re-assure you of the legitimacy of this services as we will not be involved in any fraudulent act and will never be.
 
Use the money wisely, we only want to feel good by helping people this time of the year, We have too much to give away as I only have a few months left on earth. I will advise you as the prospective lucky Person to be calm not to lose this great opportunity which millions of people are trying to entangle but the chances just couldn't come for them because a lot of people are out there to discourage them as they don't know how it works, and have never seen such before.

Thank you for accepting our offer,
 
Best Regards.
Mr.Bernard Arnault.

So, where to begin? Well, for starters, the originating email that sent this to me is different from the one that was in the body of the nonsense sent, which I've removed. That email has the word korfilm in it. Which suggests the first link in a long line of emails that this ends up leading to is a Korean company. One that's based out of North Korea. All while using .com instead of .kp, which is the proper internet code for anything coming out of that particular spot on the planet.

Oh, sure, that's believable.

Now yes, there is a Bernard Arnault. And yes, he's a French business magnate and one of the richest people on the planet. LVMH does exist: luxury goods under the Louis Vuitton label? That guy. He's educated and esteemed in the industry. Which is why if he was really writing this (he didn't), he would get the grammar and syntax right. He wouldn't start off with Urgent Reply Before Is Late, because that doesn't sound like someone with a grasp of the language.

No, this is a spammer at the far end of a long chain of email addresses who can't actually speak English properly, and runs a faulty translation program which has all sorts of tell tales. United State Dollars. State? Really?

Our guy capitalizes words that don't need it, has spacing issues in his sentences, and dangles the usual amount of cash for the gullible, hoping they'll bite. He screws up the very name of the guy he's using to pass off this scheme, because he writes Etienne as ?tienne. He claims he's chosen me at random (along with the half million other email addresses this crap has been sent to) to give this money to. He also comes up with the line about how he's "old and very sick" to try to play for sympathy.

Nice try. The actual Arnault was born in 1949, and at last check is still active in his company. If a guy like this was actually sick, that wouldn't stay secret for long. Besides, as an actual businessman, he has no time to send random emails to strangers saying he's going to give them money.

Nice try, mate. Really. But the more you do this, the more you make yourself look like a buffoon. I know, one or two of the five hundred thousand people you sent this to might be dumb enough to believe it, and send you the inevitable "processing fee" of a few thousand dollars before they wise up. But I've seen too much of this crap.

In an ideal world, you'd be subjected to one of these devices of torture. Well, maybe not the last one. That would be too cruel.

An Overblown Pointless Spectacle

 The Super Bowl is coming up this weekend. I of course will not be watching it, because I find football tedious to begin with, and particularly so when it seems to stretch out for what feels like days. Nonetheless, it's been my tradition for some years to write my own take on the occasion, from the perspective of an unnamed reporter who keeps getting sent on odd assignments- but at least is spared from the wrath of his former editor.

Philadelphia Eagles To Face Kansas City Chiefs In Bloated, Pointless Game

Glendale, Arizona (AP). Once again, it's that time of year. No, not taxes. That would probably take less time and be more interesting. The Super Bowl is being played this week in this southwestern city, part of the greater Phoenix area. After a tumultuous season in the NFL, two teams are left in contention: the Philadelphia Eagles and the Kansas City Chiefs.

For whatever reason, the event is huge, an annual tradition of ratings numbers, big home parties,  high concept advertising, spectacle, and a halftime show that really has nothing to do with anything and tends to get ridiculed after the fact. Oh, and there's also a football game.

This reporter, however, is not a football fan. This reporter would rather have teeth pulled. However, this reporter has people who enjoy his writing, particularly in unpleasant situations, and so this reporter's editor has sent him on assignment to cover the Super Bowl, and to be as snarky as he wishes. This is a good thing, this reporter supposes, and it's a week in Phoenix, a long way from the proverbial icebox back home (editor: so cold... so cold... we're in a Donner Party situation here.) This reporter is also free from his previous editor, who at last word was still confined to St. Bedlam's Home For The Hopelessly Insane.

As mentioned, there's a lot of spectacle, not to mention speculation. Who will win? To be brutally honest- who cares? It's only a game, and a pretty pointless one at that. And what sort of shock value and wardrobe malfunctions will happen in the halftime show? Speaking of which, if this reporter was in charge of the Super Bowl, this reporter would insist on having Lewis Black do the halftime show, if only to have millions of people at home ask why that man is swearing so much.

But this reporter is not in charge. And so instead we get a halftime show featuring Rihanna, who's avoided the NFL for several years, not to mention live performing. Inevitably something will happen that people will be talking about. Perhaps it'll be lip synching. Or wardrobe malfunctions. Or outrageously dumb costumes by back up dancers. Which makes one ask the question- why do these acts need back up dancers (editor: I have no idea.) She's to be the headliner- which means she'll bring along other acts for absolutely no reason. And spend lots of time frowning at everyone.

Meanwhile, there's actual football being played (editor: unfortunately). The Philadelphia Eagles and Kansas City Chiefs are playing for the championship. Perhaps in an ideal world, they'd all come out onto the field and simultaneously break their legs, meaning they couldn't play and thus fry the brains of hundreds of millions of viewers upon realizing this would mean there can't be a Super Bowl (editor: great idea, but we don't live in an ideal world.) Much is being made of the drama of Chiefs quarterback Patrick Mahomes and his ankle injury possibly affecting his performance.

"Look, all he has to do is get through the game," NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, one of the most hated men alive, said to reporters. "That's it. If he's going to end up crippled for life after that, well, I don't give a **** anyway."

"You realize all of us just recorded your contempt for the health of one of your players, right?" this reporter noted.

Goodell looked confused. "I said what now?"

He was quickly ushered away by aides. A statement from his staff apologized and said that the commissioner had mixed his medication with expired cough syrup and vodka, and he didn't mean that.

Another part of the drama around the game is the retired (again) Tom Brady, who stepped aside (again) after his Tampa Bay Buccaneers faltered. Brady has said he'll be joining the Fox broadcasting team, but not for the Super Bowl. By this time next week he might be coming out of retirement (again) to play for the Rams (editor: apparently he hasn't heard of quitting while he's ahead).

Brady is around in Glendale at the moment, talking to anyone who'll listen. "I don't know what to do with myself. I mean, I'm divorced... probably because I kept playing football after saying I'd retire the first time. And I'm not old enough to coach yet. Football is all I have to live for, you know what I mean? Anyway, that's beside the point. Maybe Kansas City will let me sign a one day contract so I can play in one more Super Bowl. Hey, there's an idea..."

Another unwelcome presence around the pre-game festivities is a one time star of the game way back in the day who became infamous. O.J. Simpson, who got off for the murder of his ex-wife and Ron Goldman, but got tossed in jail for the Las Vegas robbery debacle involving sports memorabilia, has been out of prison since 2017 and apparently a fully free man, citing good behaviour. This reporter would dispute that, because Simpson has repeatedly threatened to kill him during previous interactions. 

Simpson was talking to a handful of people at one of the events this week, touting himself as usual. "The thing is, the NFL should just let me back in. I mean sure, they let me keep my pension, which is the only reason I'm not begging on the streets. I mean, those damned lawsuits from those mother****ers took the rest of my money. But the Juice is the best of all time, baby. The best of all ****in' time! Show some respect for the best of all time."

At this point Simpson saw this reporter. Last year Simpson had threatened this reporter in front of witnesses again, and had promptly broken his hip before he could do anything. "You! You're back here?" Simpson yelled, pointing. "You're the mother****ing ***hole who keeps tellin' people I threatened to kill you!"

"Which you have, in front of multiple witnesses," this reporter replied. 

"Shut the **** up!!!" Simpson screamed. "Shut the **** up and stop tellin' people I threatened to kill  you, mother****er, or I'm gonna ****in' kill you!!!!"

At this point, Simpson started to charge forward through the crowd, but tripped and fell. There was the sound of something snapping, and Simpson screaming. "Oh, ****!!!!! My other hip!!!!!!"

Simpson was removed by ambulance from the scene to be treated for a broken hip. He was also accompanied by police who were going to have him charged for death threats (editor: good).

Another figure present at the moment, even though his team didn't make the playoffs again, is New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick. Belichick was grumpy when talking to reporters. "What people should be talking about is the supremacy of my team. We're the ones who have been in multiple Super Bowls in the last few years. All because I sold my soul for Super Bowl wins. And yes, we've faltered a bit, but we'll be back. And when we do... I'm going to get even with every single person on my revenge list. Just you wait and see."

Alas, the Super Bowl will be happening, unless that ideal situation happens and each team member breaks their legs at the same time. But that won't happen. And so it is that this reporter will be stuck in Arizona for the next few days, watching a game that he doesn't even like, because his readers enjoy his general snarkiness (editor: think of it this way: you're not the one stuck in -30 before the windchill right now).

Well, when you put it that way... good point.

Beware The Grouchy Groundhog

 Groundhog Day is tomorrow. Of course winter will stick around for many weeks to come (quiet, you!). And of course I have an image blog for the occasion. Enjoy!