Endless Election
Campaign Goes On; Possible Solutions On The Horizon
Washington (AP) The U.S. election campaign grinds on as
slowly as ever while November seems ages away. While the Democratic nominees
have come down to two candidates, Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders, there are
still several Republican candidates trying to kill each other (literally in one
case) for the nomination. American voters, meanwhile, find themselves asking
the inevitable question: is this how bad the candidates are?
Donald Trump, the perceived front runner in the GOP (despite
the fact that the Republican leadership dreads the idea of his getting the
nomination), real estate developer, and mouthy blowhard, has been in traction
for months, issuing his obnoxiousness even from a sickbed, attacking every
single target coming his way, including most recently the Pope. After getting
trashed by rival candidate Hulk Hogan and his campaign manager Ric Flair months
ago, Trump hasn’t let broken bones slow him down, issuing endless crass attack
diatribes and stroking his own ego. “My inauguration party is going to be huge!
Huuuuuuuuge! And we’re gonna force
the Mexicans to pay for it!” he boasted yesterday.
From his offices in Mexico City, Mexican President Enrique
Nieto rolled his eyes when the press asked about the latest Trump statement.
“You know, we’ve tried to be as
polite as we can, putting up with this kind of nonsense from that self absorbed
ass. Enough’s enough. To use an
American phrase... Donald Trump can go **** himself.”
Ted Cruz is still putting up a fight for the nomination,
while avoiding the subject of his own birthplace- Calgary, Alberta. “I’m a
proud American!” Cruz insisted. “Contrary to some rumours that have been
floating about lately, I was not sent
in by a Canadian super-villain to undermine the American political scene. I
bleed red white and blue and my heart always belongs to Cana... I mean, to America! America! Yes, that’s right!”
He and Marco Rubio have been trying to position themselves as the ideal
alternate candidate to Trump (while Rubio is given to frequent repetitiveness
in his speeches), which includes tearing each other apart. Ben Carson, once at
the top of some polls, has been largely sleeping his way through press
conferences.
John Kasich remains in place as a candidate, quietly working
away at his campaign, even if he’s not getting as much notice as he’d like.
Some Republican party officials have expressed hope that Kasich might be seen
as the only reasonable option compared to, in the words of one insider, “the
rest of those bloody lunatics.”
Former Vice President Dan Quayle, once considered a dullard
during his days in the job, shrugged when reporters found him in a classroom
trying to figure out how to spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. “You
know, once upon a time a lot of people made fun of my intellectual abilities. I
can say with great pleasure that I feel vindicated
by the fact that compared to Trump, Rubio, and Cruz, I’m a smart guy.”
President Obama, meanwhile, is largely staying out of the
election, aside from the odd put down of Trump. He’s busy doing his job-
running the country and deciding on a nominee for the newly vacant Supreme
Court seat now that Justice Scalia is roasting somewhere in a place with no air
conditioning. Rumour has it that comedian Lewis Black is among the contenders.
Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann- who launched a joint run
at the nomination, boasting that they could be president in turns- dropped out
two weeks ago. They were grinning obliviously when they met the press, both of them seemingly drunk. “Well,
you know, it’s not our time,” Palin admitted. “So we decided to get out before
we ran out of the money our supporters gave us.”
Bachmann nodded. “Yes, we’re spendin’ the rest on a big
tailgate party of booze and barbecue, and then we’re going to go all scorched
earth on whoever wins the nomination, just so we can get ourselves set up for
running again in 2020.”
“Palin and Bachmann 2020!” Palin hollered, smiling like a
demented twit. “We'll wreck the country... I mean, we'll save the country! You betcha!”
There are other candidates already thinking of four years
down the line. An independent candidate has come forward in recent days, calling
the press together for an impromptu press conference. She was once at the
center of impeachment proceedings against President Bill Clinton. She was the
subject of endless comedy punchlines. Monica Lewinsky, one time White House
intern, spokesperson, and public speaker, was beaming when she was introduced.
“You know, I think voters are sick and tired of both sides, Republican and Democrat
alike," she told reporters. "There need to be more voices in the political process in this country.
Truly independent thinkers who are beholden to no one- this is what we need in
America. I think I could do quite well as an independent voice apart from the
crowd. I already have plenty of experience in the Oval Office, after all.” She smiled with pride, paused for a moment before continuing. Reporters
wondered if the former President Clinton might be watching this. “Well, I am
proud to announce my candidacy for President of the United States in 2020. Vote
for Monica, because I know how to get things finished. With a happy ending.”
The announcement displeased Hillary Clinton, at an event in
South Carolina, where she was yelling at some of her aides, witnessed by
reporters at a distance in the conference center. “This is supposed to be my time! And that **** steals my thunder???
I deserve the White House! It’s mine! It belongs to me! Mine, mine, mine! My own! My precious! How dare she make
an announcement while I’m on my way to my destiny!
Crowned Empress Hillary The First!
Wait... what are those reporters doing over there? Did they hear me?”
Meanwhile, the last of her Democrat opponents, Bernie
Sanders, continues his efforts, speaking at events, stressing his campaign
platform ideas, such as universal healthcare, improved education, and civility
in political life. As seemingly the only rational adult in the campaign,
Sanders is outnumbered by nutcases, ambitious buffoons, and blowhards.
A solution to the Republican standoff is coming from the
strangest of places. Survivor host and
reality show producer Jeff Probst offered a suggestion this week in a press
conference. “This could go on for weeks, perhaps all the way to the convention.
All the while, it will prove to be more embarrassing to the party and the
country. And rather than go through the actual measured steps of the electoral process,
why not make something entertaining of it? Well, I thought why not make a one-time
reality show of it? A live version of Thunderdome, like from those Mad Max films. George Miller told me to
**** off when I asked him to let me use that word, so instead we’re going with
Battle Arena.”
Probst grinned like the half-witted moron that some assume
he is. “So here we have the idea: the remaining Republican candidates all go
into a large, caged space. We hang all sorts of weapons around. Crow bars, tire
irons, chain saws, sledge hammers, whatever we can think of. And whoever’s left
when it’s all done wins the nomination. If you ask me, I’d put my money on
Kasich. It’s always the quiet ones who end up being the most resourceful in a
fight.”
Hulk Hogan, still in the running as a presidential candidate,
approved of the idea. The former wrestler was with his campaign manager and
former wrestling rival Ric Flair at an event in Charleston when they spoke to
the press. “This is just the sort of thing that we used to do in wrestlin’,
brother... cage matches and steel chairs and cheatin’ and gougin’ eyes and all
that, brother.”
Flair grinned and clapped Hogan on the shoulder. “Wooooooooo!!!!! Now this just means the
Hulkster is gonna to actually hit
people with foreign objects instead of fakin’ it! This is what we’re meant to
do! The Battle Arena format is practically rigged
for the Hulkster to win! Get used to these three words: President Hulk Hogan!”
Hogan laughed and started singing as the two headed off. “Hail
to the Hulk, he’s the one we all say hail to...”
As has been the case in previous years, some American
citizens are musing on leaving for Canada depending on the results of the
election. Some Republican supporters have threatened that over Obamacare;
whether or not it occurred to them that they’d be moving to a country with
universal care that was generally to the left of the Democrats is another
story. Democrat supporters did some of that during the Years of Dubya
(otherwise known in some circles as The Age Of Darkness).
The same trend is
showing up this year among Republican voters, dreading the idea of Hillary
Clinton as President. Democrat supporters are talking about the idea should the
impossible happen and Trump end up cheating his way into the White House. Mass
migrations into the Great White North may be an issue the Canadian government
will have to deal with either way.
Another idea is starting to gain ground, with tens of
thousands of members already joining a group in Connecticut. It is founded out
of a serious concern that the election might end up pitting Trump against
Clinton, a prospect none of its members like. Calling itself by the peculiar moniker
Invite The Canucks Association, the group has suggested that in the case of
those two being the final nominees, a petition should be made to the Canadian
government.
“If these two are the final candidates, than frankly, this
country has come to the point where it’s a failure,” Caroline Travers, a
university professor and founder of the group told reporters. “We will have
failed our Founding Fathers, who will be ashamed of what’s become of us, of how
far we have fallen. We have made this country a joke. If that is the case... we
have only one option. To petition the Canadian government to come in, to take
over, to turn our states into provinces in the constitutional monarchy that is
Canada. That means certain changes. Gun control, universal health care,
learning how to spell words like colour in the proper English, instead of
color. It means having the Queen as our Queen, instead of being in a republic.”
She carried on speaking after a pause. “It means having a
leader who understands working together,
tact, and diplomacy as opposed to self centered me first vindictiveness. Canada
got rid of one of those guys last fall, after all. It means we start drinking
Canadian beer, because let’s face it, American beer has always been watered
down at best. It means we get to like Canadian bacon, and how to eat poutine.
It means we’re going to have to get used to being obsessed about hockey as a
national sport. It means we’re all going
to have to learn how to make love in a canoe. Well, not at the same time,
obviously, because that might end up resembling an orgy.”
