Revenge Of A Nigerian Scammer

They will never take a hint and go away. I speak, of course, of the internet scammers and spammers who infest our blogs and email with their endless nonsense. There's been no shortage of it lately coming from those dregs of society who appear to have absolutely nothing else to do with their time but send this crap our way. On the blog, they almost never get published, and these days tend to consist of the spell caster nonsense. That's what I get for posting about spell caster spam. In the email, they end up in junk folders and give me fodder for a post. Such is the case with the following.

From Mrs.Inga-Britt Ahlenius.
Internal Audit, Monitoring, Consulting and Investigations Division
UNITED NATIONS SCAM VICTIMS COMPENSATIONS PAYMENTS.



This is to bring to your notice that  After i was Retired from this office I was appointed again and I was delegated from the United Nations To Central Bank to pay 150 scam victims $5,000,000.00 (FIVE MILLION UNITED STATE DOLLAR) each.

You are listed and approved for this payment as one of the scammed victims to be paid this amount, get back to me as soon as possible for the immediate payments of your $5,000,000.00 compensation funds.

On this faithful recommendation, we want you to know that during the last U.N. meetings held at Abuja, Nigeria, it was alarmed so much by the world in the meetings on the loss of funds by various individuals to the scam's artists operating in syndicates all over the world today.
In order to compensate victims, the U.N Body in conjunction with the Nigerian Government is now paying 150 victims of these operators $5,000,000.00 each in accordance with the U.N. recommendations.

Due to the corrupt and inefficient Banking Systems in Nigeria, the payments are to be supervised by the United Nations' Officials and the Central Bank of Nigeria as the corresponding paying treasury department United Bank of Africa
According to the number of applicants at hand, 114 Beneficiaries have been paid, half of the victims are from the United States, we still have 36 left to be paid the compensations of $5,000,000.00 each.

Your particulars were mentioned by one of the Syndicates who was arrested as one of their victims of the operations, you are hereby warned not to communicate or duplicate this message to him for any reason whatsoever as the U.S. secret service is already on the trail
of the other criminals.
Other victims who have not been contacted can submit their application as well for scrutiny and possible consideration.
You are thereby advised to contact the private officer of the treasury department United Bank of Africa through the following information.
Name........................Alex Ugo
Email:......................              alex.ugoo1878@gmail.com
Tel:..........................                + 234-818-650-6211
Whatsapp
You will receive your compensations payments through which the options You will be detailed with the modalities as you contact the private officer of the treasury department United Bank of Africa
Sincerely yours,
Mrs.Inga-Britt Ahlenius

Okay. So first of all, there is an Inga-Britt Ahlenius. She's been a Swedish civil servant and worked for the UN in a higher level capacity for internal oversight. But this email was not coming from her.

Because someone who's generally that accomplished is not sending emails like this. And because someone like her has a solid grasp on the English language, even though it would be a second language.

No, this is the tell tale spammer, who hijacks such a name, and then proceeds to spin a tale, all while giving themselves away- spelling mistakes, capitalization of words and non-capitalization of words, improper punctuation.

This is someone whose grasp of the English language is poor, though they try to hide it behind overly formalized wording. Making small errors gives them away (or suggests they may have been homeschooled). 

Oh, they spin that tale of how 150 scam victims have been chosen to receive five million a piece (note to the scammers: I haven't been scammed, you jackasses). They say "it was alarmed so much by the world"... I mean, who says that? Scammers, that's who.

Look, jackass, when you keep sending the same variants of scam form letters over and over again, people pretty quickly catch on.

Oh, sure, you admit banking in Nigeria is corrupt and inefficient. Really, I'm shocked. You also say I'm one of the victims of these syndicates. That's a surprise to me, because I know better than to bite on the bait whenever these scammers send this crap. In short, I haven't lost money to scammers. 

Nice try, but maybe one of the hundreds of thousands of people among the other emails you sent this crap to might be dumb enough to buy the bait.

I'd like to suggest that you look into advancing yourself in society and asking this guy for one of his specialized drinks. What's the worst that could possibly go wrong?

The Unreliable Sweden Scammer

 

They are a plague upon the universe. A pestilence that proves to be more irritating and everlasting than the plagues of Egypt. I speak of course of the vile lot we refer to as homo sapiens spammeritis annoyingus. That repugnant subspecies of human that can only make a living with endless spam and scams, sent in random emails and random comments on our posts and other places across the web. How did these people operate before the internet? Random phone calls? And before that, random telegrams? And before that, random mail?

They never take a hint and just go away. No, they persist in their nonsense. Such as the following, which found its way into my email a few days back.

Attention Box Beneficiary,

The Swedish Maritime Administration (Swedish:Sjцfartsverket)/Task Force wishes to notify you that we have busted and impounded an American ship for illegal maritime practices, the incident took place here at the Swedish maritime administration border with russia.

On board we have discovered over 10,000 consignment boxes among which two were found to carry your name as it aim to be deliver to the Ukrainian government to aid their Russian war, please kindly Authenticate yourself with a copy of passport, Drivers license and utility bill, also your phone and home address so we can direct you on the requirement for clearance and  delivery.

Regards,
Magnus Anderson
Marine Pilot & Managing director
Anderson Maritime Consulting AB

Well then, where to begin? For starters, the responding email was not listed to one Magnus Anderson, which of course is a huge red flag where these things are concerned. It's just the first in a long line of emails addresses leading back to the semi-literate spammer who sent this. 

There is a Magnus Anderson, and an Anderson Maritime Consulting in Sweden. You wonder how he feels about having his name co-opted in a scam email. Because that's precisely what this is. There are some of the usual tell-tales. The email that's overly formal but doesn't read as if it's written by someone with a command of the English language. Punctuation, capitalization of the wrong words.... the usual hallmarks.

And from a glance at the real Magnus Anderson's bona fides, Swedish or not, that guy would be fluent in English. He'd know well enough how to write an email that doesn't set off scammer alarm bells. But then he wouldn't be sending an email like this. Because he's too damned busy to be sending random emails to people.

No, this scammer hiding behind his name tells us a story about how the Swedes have impounded an American ship for "illegal maritime practices", and how among 10 000 consignment boxes there are a couple of them with my name on them. This is made more complicated by the suggestion that they were bound for the Ukraine to help in the war against Russia (see, scammer? It's not that hard to capitalize a country name).

This is fascinating to me. Because when I read that these were bound for the Ukraine to help in their war against the Russkies, I'm thinking weapons. And that baffles me, because I wasn't aware that I'm an arms dealer. But according to this scammer, two of those boxes came from me.

First it's a line of bull. There are no ten thousand boxes, there's just a story that's going to inevitably wind up in this scammer hoping I'll send a few thousand dollars along as a processing fee to allow these totally non-existent arms to be sent forward.

And second, while they're not trotting out money, they are now resorting to a different aspect of the internet scammer modus operandi: using the Ukraine-Russian war as their source material.

Now I'll cheerfully admit I'm on the side of the Ukraine in this whole thing. That petty little man in the Kremlin (emphasis on little), bent on getting even with the world, insists on making things worse for himself by carrying on a war that's not gone his way from the start. What that petty little man deserves is two rounds in the back of the head courtesy of anyone in his country with nothing to lose and an opportunity. but that's beside the point.

Because handing over copies of your passport, license, utility bills, etc. to a complete stranger online is a way to put yourself on the fast track to identity theft, loss of your savings, and things even less pleasant. And that's what would happen.

Nice try. Really, points for creativity. Plus let's face it, this is just the beginning. Soon we'll see the  emails coming from Cancer Widow of a former minister/ politician/ general of either side of the Ukraine conflict, flooding our junk email. Because that's what spammers do- take a real tragedy and try to exploit it. Assuming they can find someone gullible enough among the half million random email addresses they send such things to who'll actually believe the con.

In an ideal world, whoever you really are (because you're not Magnus Anderson), you'd get what you'd have coming to you. An encounter with an angry Kraken.

But unfortunately Krakens are fictional.

Rhetoric And Insane Dictators

 I have an image blog today. Enjoy!

A Rich Widow Of A Dead General

And so it is that they turn up. I speak of course of the inevitable presence of that foul, wretched, reprehensible species known as the internet scammer. The waste of oxygen that can't take a hint and just drop dead. They infest our posts with their crap, only to have it deleted. They send us random emails (along with the same email to hundreds of thousands of other email addresses) promising untold riches if we just help them with their resident cause/ moving of money. Such as the following, which ended up sent to my partner in crime Norma. It bore all the tell tale signs of homo sapiens spammeritis irritatingus.

 

Hello,

My name is Gil Williams, an Attorney/International Relations Consultant, I want to know if you will support my client to invest in your country and get rewarded financially without leaving or affecting your present job. I represent Mrs. Kim Kyong-hui, wife of Jang Song-thaek, Jang Song-thaek was Kim Jong-un's uncle and the Vice Chairman of the National Defense Commission of North Korea until his execution in 2013. Mrs. Kim Kyong-hui thaek here in after shall be referred to as my client and it is on her instruction that I am doing all that i am doing now. She is looking for a foreign individual or a corporation that can profitably invest US$150 Million on Real Estates outside Hong Kong. Mrs. Kim Kyong-hui is willing to reward you with 10% for your partnership role when fund successful transfer in your account. Write back for more information.

Sincerely,

Gil Williams

Where to begin? Well, at the end. I've removed the email address from the end, since it was a link. But the name was a completely different one from Gil Williams. It was Rick Yearltonnesen, which totally sounds like a real name. I mean that. And its country code? Ru. Which is Russia. Which is a huge red flag. Because nothing good is being done in Russia these days.

That's right, Vladimir, you poison-happy psychotic, I'm referring to you.

So our scamming scammer gives us some of the usual tell tales of an internet scammer. Introducing himself with a very English sort of name (though when's the last time you heard someone named Gil?) He claims to have two different roles, as an attorney and "International Relations Consultant." That's usually how it starts. You know, for an attorney with an English name, he doesn't have a strong grasp of sentence structure or how the English language works. Because while there aren't the usual glaring spelling mistakes, we do see sentences that should be punctuated differently, capitalized words that don't need it, and the sort of phrasing that comes from not speaking English as your primary language. 

So he claims to be representing the widow of a dead North Korean general who was executed back in 2013. I'll admit, the first one that came to mind was the guy Little Kimmy (Kim Jong Un to his non existent friends, Dear Leader to the millions of people who have to say that) had executed by anti-air gun back in the day. No, it's not that guy. The real General Jang was executed by a mere firing squad. Thanks to his nephew by marriage, the cranky short guy with the bad hair cut who has a habit of killing relatives he doesn't like. Watch out the rest of the family, because Little Kimmy hates everyone, including himself.

So Gil (can I call you Gil) wants me to help his client invest in my country. Really. Well, first, I'd have to double check, but I'm pretty sure my country has a whole lot of sanctions in place generally meaning no business at all with North Korea. So that's a no go, even if this were real, which it's not. Second, she's claiming that her late dearly departed husband squirreled away 150 million dollars and she wants to invest it on real estate outside of Hong Kong. Really. 

150 million dollars.

In a country as utterly poverty ridden as North Korea.

Oh, sure. And all I have to do for ten percent of that is answer that email address, get hold of Gil (and the gang of Russian arms dealers behind this scam) and send off... oh, all my banking information as a measure of trust. What's the worst that can possibly happen?

It astounds me that there are people this dumb out there who'll believe this crap, but there have to be, otherwise why do it? But I've seen too much of it, and I never buy it. 

Wherever they are in Mother Russia, what they actually deserve is a Little Kimmy Special. Execution by anti-air gun. Come on, Little Kimmy, they're using your aunt's name against you. Are you going to let that stand?

Little Kimmy? Don't tell me you're crying because I called you Little Kimmy.

The Extortionist Internet Scammers Ploy

My previous post with the return visit of ye olde internet scammer (otherwise known as homo sapiens scammeritis annoyingus) reminded me of a story that came out in the news last month. It seems the traditional Nigerian scammer had stepped up their game, at least on face value. Actually it's more along the lines of instead of fishing for suckers, this gang of internet scammers went to another level with extortion attempts. Businesses and organizations across North America received several versions of the same general ransom demand email mixed together with a bomb threat in mid-December. Police investigated, but found no trace of explosives. It's thought that the people responsible might be behind a sextortion scam last fall. What follows was one of those emails.

Good day. My mercenary has carried the bomb (lead azide) into the building where your business is conducted. My mercenary built the explosive device under my direction. It can be hidden anywhere because of its small size, it is impossible to destroy the supporting building structure by this explosive device, but if it denotates there will be many wounded people.

My recruited person is watching the situation around the building. If he notices any suspicious activity, panic or cops the device will be blown up.

I can call off my man if you make a transfer 20,000 usd is the price for your safety and business. Transfer it to me in Bitcoin and I assure that I have to withdraw my mercenary and the bomb will not detonate. But do not try to deceive me – my guarantee will become valid only after 3 confirmations in blockchain.

It is my Bitcoin address: [redacted]

You have to solve problems with the transaction by the end of the working day, if the working day is over and people start leaving the building the bomb will explode.

Nothing personal this is just a business, if I do not see the bitcoin and a bomb explodes, next time other companies will send me more bitcoins, because it isn’t a one-time action.

I will no longer log into this email, I monitor my wallet every twenty minutes and if I receive the money I will give the command to my man to get away.

If the bomb explodes and the authorities see this email We are not a terrorist society and don’t take responsibility for explosions in other places.

And so like your standard internet scammer, our extortionist shows some of the tell tales. English clearly isn't his first language (you think?). After all, denotate is not the word you were going for, champ, it was detonate. Unless you're suggesting that your explosive device is a past participle. There's the phrasing that doesn't read like it's being written by someone with a command of English, and the issues with punctuation. Honestly, who uses the term mercenary and 'recruited person'? And 'terrorist society'? Someone who's using Google translate, that's who. And yet unlike the usual internet scammer, this sort isn't dangling the promise of big bucks out there for a sucker to bite at. No, this one's making a threat about setting off explosives unless you go through with his extortion demands. Could it be frustration over people not buying the scam emails?

Actually not likely.  Some of the news stories I've seen on the matter since have suggested that the scheme originated in Russia, to which I would say, wow, no kidding. Russia is a sort of wild west of criminal activity these days, overseen by the Godfather of St. Petersburg, Tsar Vladimir himself, who's spent years systematically looting his own country and making himself obscenely rich (not bad for a retired KGB operator, huh?) through all sorts of ill gotten means. When he's not doing silly photo ops to try to overcompensate for his shortness of stature.

It makes you miss the not really so bad old days when we had our little Cold War going on. At least the Soviets were dependable. Even if it was mutually assured destruction and the threat of all out nuclear war, you knew that nobody was going to be foolish enough to actually launch anything at the other side. Not so much these days, as recklessness seems to rule the day and their side has the sorry excuse for a chief executive in the Oval Office by the fine hairs, so to speak. And Russkie hackers are out there interfering in elections, social media, financial markets, and now in their spare time might be sending bomb threats (for non existent bombs) to every Tom, Dick, and Harry out there. Or Kate, Vickie, and Mary out there. 

Boris? Can I call you Boris? No? Well, I'll call you that anyway. I'm sure Tsar Vladimir (Vlad to his friends, but oh, wait, he doesn't have any friends, because Putin doesn't trust anyone) might have told you and your comrades that this was going to work. Instead, not a bitcoin was sent. All you did was disrupt businesses and organizations with badly written email bomb threats that were as empty as the space inside your head.

This much I'll say- compared to this kind of incompetent buffoonery, the regular internet scammers like The Blessed Reverend Mary Goodlife Nbatu are a blessing. Not that I'm suggesting she start sending more emails with promises of fake riches. No, I'm just saying that given a choice between putting up with her and putting up with you, I'd put up with her. 

You? I'd suggest you add some lead azide to your vodka, down it, and see what happens.