Even Death Has An Odd Bad Week

"Ladies and gentlemen, we would like to begin with an explanation of sorts. We, the Grim Reapers, sometimes also known as Death Inc., have an endless task set before us. People are born. And people die. We're tasked to bring them to the afterlife. Whatever destination that may be for them. It's a lot easier with animals. They all go to the good place. Humans? Not so much. Especially these days.

The point is, we're busy. And sometimes, mistakes get made.

It's been a hard few days for the world. There's been a great deal of anticipation, expectation, and people waiting for a long overdue obituary. Yes, that obituary. A certain obese obnoxious self absorbed con man who weaseled his way into a powerful position not once but twice. As a grim reaper, may I just say that one should try going through life not being the sort of person whose death will be cause for  global celebration. Because if you're that sort of person, you're really not going to like the place that you're heading to when you leave this life.

So, for the record. Yes. We are working on it. Things just keep getting in the way, but he's definitely running short on time, and the Devil has prepared a place in Hell just for him- a dark void with no exit, no company, and no audience. Just himself. Alone forever. That's kind of fitting, don't you think?

Theologians might say that he can repent his ways and go the other way, but realistically?

You'd have to have a soul. And he frittered that away decades ago.

So no, he's going to Hell.

But we need to set the record straight on some things.

A lot of people have been taking out their anguish on us. Which we get. Because in short order, you had these wonderful people die, who lived their lives very much as themselves, who made an impact on so many lives. People who are widely mourned and commemorated. I mean, the closest thing Earth had to a living saint was Dolly Parton. Kind, compassionate, humanitarian, with a personal interest in childhood literacy and access to books. An entertainer who didn't take herself seriously, but who helped others because it was the right thing to do.

And Tim Curry? Loved him in Clue, by the way. That movie is a big favourite among grim reapers. But Tim was a larger than life actor who inhabited every part he played, and breathed life into every film. People loved him.

And now both of them are gone. To a better world, let me assure you. Dolly has joined that heavenly choir, and Tim is cracking jokes with St. Peter. They're at peace now, in a place which will never be home to an odious slug who resides at 1600 Pennsylvania.

We just want to say that we're sorry. Dolly and Tim dying in short order comes as a shock, because it is. Because these were good people, and even though they lived long lives, it's never long enough when good people pass on.

But everyone has their time to pass on. Except Keith Richards. That guy's going to live forever, because we misplaced the paperwork. And it was Dolly and Tim's time to depart from this world, even after all the good they did and the joy they brought to the lives of people they might have never had the chance to meet. Look, this is our job. And despite our reputation as looking scary, we're not. We're walking you into the afterlife. Like an old friend. Helping you make that transition.

Unless you're going to Hell. In which case we're kicking you in the ass and sending you down into the pit.

I get that people don't want to deal with the idea of Death. But we are a natural part of Life. Namely the ending of it. And when you live the kind of life that people mourn you in the way people mourn Dolly and Tim, you'll meet us as an old friend, taking that last walk together. If, on the other hand, you live your life like a Donald Trump, you're going to be screaming in terror when you meet us. The moral of the story is, be like Dolly and Tim. Don't be like Donald. 

So what we're saying is we appreciate the frustration people are having with us. You want to see him no longer wasting oxygen, and it hurts when good people pass out of this life and horrible people live on. We get that. 

Just rest assured with this:

He's running out of time. We're on it. Trust me."

A Mystery Of The Missing Senator

Veteran Senator Remains AWOL; Staff Insist Nothing Wrong

Washington (AP). The Old Tortoise of the Senate has not been seen since mid-June when he was rushed to the hospital. Senator Mitch McConnell, poster grandpa for term limits in politics, has spent several weeks incommunicado with colleagues, constituents, and damned near everyone else. The Kentucky Senator, who has made a career out of being a hyper partisan control freak turned sycophant to the current president, has loomed large in recent years, all while a number of health scares have called into question his effectiveness to represent his constituents.

The silence from the McConnell camp has become sufficient that Kentucky's governor has been demanding proof of life from McConnell. His wife was on an extended trip to China, which seems odd under the circumstances. Republican colleagues have claimed they have spoken with him at length. McConnell's staff have insisted that he is in recovery but working closely with them to get his work done. President Trump shrugged, blamed Joe Biden, and spent four hours on rant tweets when asked about the Senator. "Mitch who?" he muttered. 

While rumours spread that McConnell was dead, or at least brain dead, for a brief time, another senator died and upstaged him. Senator Lindsay Graham, who once referred to President Trump in disparaging ways before having his spine surgically removed and becoming a bootlicker to the president, died after a cardiac episode. The President slept through the funeral and had to be prodded awake. Social media was abuzz with posts such as "no, not that Republican, the other guy" and "all good things happen in threes." And while the President looks like death warmed over, he hasn't died yet.

Effectively speaking, McConnell's constituents have no representation. There have been a few claims at proof of life- a photo with photo shop work done, or a brief statement- but nothing definitive. Governor Beshear, a Democrat, may have a chance to appoint an interim senator, though state laws appear to push towards a special election to fill out the term. McConnell had previously pledged that he would not run again in November. But for every half hearted proof of life, there are doubts. No one from across the aisle has claimed to speak with him. Instead, there are memes and misgivings, and continued silence from the Old Tortoise.

It's been suggested that the Republicans wish to avoid the risk of a special election, and have been gaslighting to make it appear that McConnell was alive and not incapacitated and unable to carry out his duties. The party is said to be terrified of being trounced in the upcoming mid-terms nationally in November, and just as terrified of the MAGA base that has become their party's voting bloc. Drinking games have been created, with the rule of taking a swallow of Kentucky bourbon every time the McConnell staff put out another vague statement. 

Is Mitch McConnell dead? Or brain dead? Can he form a coherent thought? Can he communicate that thought? Inquiring minds want to know. Especially if McConnell's colleagues are lying about his status quo to stave off another loss, which has the hint of illegal about it.

Or has he met a different fate, perhaps at the hands of someone unexpected?

Is he frozen in carbonite?

The First Lady ATM Scammer

Sigh. You would think they would wise up that we're onto them. You would think that they would stop their current line of work to find an honest line of work. But no. They won't stop, because this is all they know how to do. They infest our emails with scams that are too good to be true. They send random comments to our blogs to promote themselves. I speak, of course, of homo sapiens spammeritis annoyingus, the lowly subset of human beings we call the internet scammer and spammer. The following line of garbage was sent to my email recently.

It might interest you to know today that we have completed Investigation in the ATM visa card worth us$10.5 million in your name
With Bank of America in New York today and you are hereby approved to receive the Visa Card as assigned to dr. rafiq bengali at fdx courier company as we have Verified the entire transaction to be safe and 100% risk free by the United State of America federal government and white house representatives. If you receive this email in your spam/junk folder mail then move it to your inbox mail before responding to me so I will be able to receive your email.

This message is coming to you from Mrs. Melania Trump. I am writing to inform you about your Bank ATM CARD and your 2025 Rolls Royce Cullinan brought by the white House Washington DC agency and has been mandated to be delivered to your address as soon as you get back to me with your below information.

1. Your full name:=======
3. Your country:=========
4. Your home address:====
2. Your telephone no:====
5. Your nearest airport:==
Your ATM contains the sum of $10.5 million USD.

Send a direct email to me on my private email which is (.....) or reply directly to this email you received.

I will be waiting to hear from you with your full information immediately you receive this good news, thanks and God bless you. Remember to move this message to your inbox mail before you can respond to my email so I can be able to receive your email

Remain Blessed,
Yours faithfully
Her. Excellency Mrs. Melania Trump.

Okay then. First of all, I should mention that the originating email (which is probably the first in a long line of email addresses) had an ip code address for a university in India. There's your first red flag that something about this is horribly wrong.

Second, they are claiming that this is coming from Melania Trump. The First Lady. Also known as the First Lady to pose nude in soft-porn pics with other women, the First Lady who plagiarizes, the First Lady who really doesn't want the job. 

The First Lady who supposedly speaks multiple languages, but for all intents and purposes can't demonstrate that. The First Lady who doesn't read or have any noted cause. Oh, sure. While I admit she's from a family of grifters, this isn't her. This is your typical internet scammer who foists onto a name, tells a story, and misspells things, or capitalizes words (and by extension doesn't capitalize words)- the hallmark of the internet scammer. Just that this time, they decided to make use of the name of the current First Lady, whose work experience consists of soft porn and ignoring actually carrying out any duties of the position she's found herself in.

So we're supposed to believe that this First Lady is spending her time with ATM Visa scams, which is one of those standard scams usually run by someone passing themselves off as a banker. Oh, right. And for good measure she signs herself off as "Her Excellency Mrs. Melania Trump." I get it, MAGA thinks Trump is King, but he's not, and "Excellency" is not a title used either for Dementia Donald or She Who Avoids Her Husband. 

Come on, how stupid do you think we are? I have to stop asking that question, because unfortunately there are a lot of stupid people around, and they keep lowering the bar. I can only speak for myself, that I know better, having had seen too many of these scam emails. But those to whom it might be directed to- the drooling masses of MAGA, for instance- might be dumb enough to believe it. After all, they believe just about anything they're told by their orange master... or Fox News.

To the person who really sent this email, I want you to go watch the First Lady's "documentary." In the same setting as below. And see how long you last.

The Cabal Of Rank Incompetence

There is an old saying- may you live in interesting times. Both a blessing and a curse. I refer, of course, to the current situation south of the border. While I at least try to keep politics out of here, for once I'll make an exception and let the memes do the talking for me.

Legend Of A Peroxide Addled Lunatic

In response to certain things going on south of the border these days....