A Sad Tale Of A Mining Disaster

 

Despite all logic, they never do give up, do they? No, of course not. We couldn't be that lucky. They infest our blogs with random crap and comments that prove they didn't read what we wrote. They send us emails with get rich quick schemes that surely can't backfire (spoiler: they will). They just can't figure out a way to make an honest living, and so they continue to strike from the dark corners of the web and spew their nonsense. I speak, of course, of the all too common homo sapiens spammeritis irritatingus. Otherwise known as the internet scammer. The following nonsense came through my email recently.

Hello Frand,

Thank you for accepting my friend request, I don't know if you speak or understand the English language,  that is why I am using google translator to write to you because I do not understand nor speak your language either.

I have been in search of someone with this name. I was pushed to contact you to see how best we can assist each other. I am Mrs. Luis Gerald, working as an Audit Manager here in Garanti bank Turkey. I believe it is the will of God for me to come across you now. I am having an important business discussion  I wish to share with you which I believe will interest you because it is in connection with your last name and you are going to benefit from it.

A citizen of your country named Daniel, has a fixed deposit with my bank, valued at US$8,200,000.00 (Eight million two hundred thousand United State Dollars) . The due date for this deposit was last year. Unfortunately Gabriel was among the death victims of the 11th day of May 2012, after a heavy explosion in Turkey, where 78 miners were killed.

The management of my bank is yet to know about his death. I knew about it because he was my friend and I was his account officer when the account was opened before my promotion. However, Mr. Daniel did not mention any Next of Kin/Heir when the account was opened and he was not married and had no child. Last week my Bank's Management requested that I should give instructions on what to do about his funds if I were to renew the contract as his account officer.
 
I knew this would happen and that is why I have been looking for a means to handle the situation, because if my Bank Directors happen to know that Daniel is dead and does not have any Heir, they would claim the funds for their personal use, so I don't want such to happen. That was why when I saw your name I was happy and I am now seeking your cooperation to present you as Next of Kin/Heir to the account since you have the same last name as him and my bank headquarters will release the account to you. There is no risk involved, the transaction will be executed under a legitimate arrangement that will protect you from any breach of law.
 
It is better that we claim the money than allowing the Bank Directors to claim it, they are rich already. I am not a greedy person, so I am suggesting we share the funds equally, 50/50% to both parties, my share will assist me to start my own company and use the proceeds for charity, which has been my dream.
 
Let me know your thoughts about my proposal. Please, do treat this information as confidential as I have more to write to you about his details once I receive your urgent response strictly through my personal email . 

Thanks and God bless you. Anticipating your urgent response.
Kindly write/reply through my email for more details.
 
Best Regards
Mrs. Luis Gerald.

Sigh. You'd wish that at some point they'd grow a conscience, but that's clearly asking too much. This has all the hallmarks of the standard internet scammer. The overly formal wording mixed with the poor spelling. I mean, frand? How hard is it to write friend?

They claim to be using a translator app to be writing this, but first, English is my first language, and regardless of where you are in the world, if you are a banker, you would bloody well have a solid grasp of English. But this person is not. All while claiming to be from Turkey, and in possession of a name that is not Turkish.

No, this person is a scammer.

And they can't even keep their 'facts' straight. They identify their non-existent client, who died in a mining disaster no less, as Daniel or Gabriel. Make up your mind when you're committing yourself to a scam story.

They make up the usual story about wanting to hide the money after he died in a mining disaster (how this guy had eight million dollars to his name is beside the point) from their corrupt colleagues, and so want to split the money fifty fifty with a random stranger on the far side of the world. So they can start their own company and do charitable things and all that rubbish.

Nice try, numbskull.

In an ideal world, they'd give up and just find an honest occupation, but that just isn't going to happen. So they cast this story out to hundreds of thousands of random emails praying that someone is dumb enough to believe it, and wind up losing a few thousand in administrative fees while they disappear into the night.

Come on, pal. Wake up.

Or we we start using you as target practice for one of these things.

A Day In The Life Of A Cat

 And now it is time for the cat's point of view, as she is a superior form of life who must always have the last word in everything.

7:06 AM. Waking up at home. Dreamed well, of what is good in life. To crush my enemies. Drive them before me. And to hear the lamentations of their women.

7:09 AM. An examination of the exterior from the top of the couch. I see some flying lunches out on the lawn. Looks hot out there. Fortunately there's air conditioning in here.

7:13 AM. Waiting on the staff to get downstairs and see to my breakfast.

7:16 AM. Come on, staff. The clock is ticking....

7:20 AM. The staff finally comes downstairs. It's about time, too. Now then, let's get our priorities right and see to my breakfast, are we clear?

7:22 AM. Supervising the staff as she sees to my breakfast. To my great discouragement, she has taken the bag of field rations out.

7:24 AM. The staff sets down the bowl of field rations, a bowl of milk, and a plate of tuna.

I shall content myself with the milk and tuna, and ignore the field rations.

7:25 AM. Finished with my breakfast. Will leave the staff in peace to have hers.

7:36 AM. The staff is on her way out the door. Farewell, staff. Hopefully the heat ends before you get back, because honestly, I'm not a fan of that blast of heat whenever a door gets opened.

7:43 AM. Somewhere in the distance I can hear the howls of that idiot dog from down the road.

Stupid dog....

8:02 AM. Watching the Weather Channel. According to these guys, the heat should finally break up this evening with a thunderstorm.

Good. About time.

But in the meantime, perhaps a nap could get us there faster. Right?

10:35 AM. Yawn and a big stretch to greet my second go around of the day after a nap.

10:36 AM. Checking the kitchen, and disappointed to remember that all that's out in the open is field rations. 

Oh well, what is must be and all that.

12:10 PM. Studying the prevailing skies outside from the comforts of the back of the sofa. 

That cloud looks like a scratching post.

1:32 PM. Watching the mailman drop stuff off at the mailbox before driving off. Did that foul mutt bark at you?

4:56 PM. The staff is returning home, bearing some groceries.

Staff, be quick about it. You're letting in the heat.

5:01 PM. Supervising the staff as she puts groceries away. 

The milk meets my approval.

6:12 PM. The staff is working on dinner. I smell bacon.

6:42 PM. Dinner with the staff. She's made apple and bacon pancakes, and has cut me up a couple of them into bite sized pieces.

Very good, staff, very good indeed.

7:05 PM. Musing in the living room on the great mysteries of life. Where did the ball of yarn come from?

8:41 PM. Thunder somewhere in the distance. Well, it was coming sooner or later.

8:47 PM. And that thunder was really close. I can hear the rain starting outside. No stopping it now.

9:23 PM. The storm continues. Oddly, I'm finding all the thunder to be weirdly relaxing.

11:30 PM. The staff goes off to bed. Good night, staff, sleep well.

If the storm knocks out the power, don't worry about the alarm clock. I'll let you sleep in.

So that you can spend the entire day with me.

A Day In The Life Of A Dog

 It is time once more for the perspective of the dog and the cat. As always, the dog gets the first word in on these things, since he is so impatient about everything and gets distracted by the slightest thing.

7:04 AM. Waking up at home. Restless night. Bad dreams of being chased by an angry skunk and facing the consequences.

7:09 AM. Looking outside warily, wondering if there are any skunks out and about.

7:17 AM. Waiting on the human to get downstairs and see to my breakfast.

7:20 AM. The human comes downstairs. I thump my tail furiously against the floor. Good morning, human! Hey, have you put any thought into my breakfast?

7:23 AM. The human is pouring me a big bowl of kibbles. 

Oh boy oh boy oh boy....

7:24 AM. Have polished off breakfast, seven seconds short of my all time fastest devouring of the first meal of the day.

That was good!

7:30 AM. Making inquiries with the human as to if she'll let me out for a run.

7:32 AM. The human opens the back door. Out of the air conditioning and into the morning heat again.

How long is this heat wave supposed to last again? Better take it as a walk instead of a run. And stop by that creek in the woods.

7:43 AM. On my way through the back fields, barking my head off at the heat.

7:57 AM. Stopping by to see Spike the Magnificent, Tormentor of Squirrels. Top of the morning to you, Spike!

7:59 AM. Spike and I discuss the important matters in life. The hidden agenda of the squirrels. What the mailman is really after. What type of bone is best for chewing.

8:06 AM. Spike and I talk about the ongoing heat wave. He's heard that it should break tonight with a storm. I hope so, Spike, I like cooler weather. Not sure if I appreciate having to deal with lightning, though.

8:08 AM. Spike's human calls him inside. I bid him farewell for the day. Have a good one, Spike.

8:23 AM. Pausing at the creek in the woods and seeing to my thirst. Cold water is very welcome right about now.

8:45 AM. Returning home, barking to let the human know I'm back.

8:46 AM. The human has let me in. And I'll have you know that I was good enough not to go splashing about in the creek.

I thought about it....

10:33 AM. Mooching a cookie from the human while she has her morning coffee.

12:10 PM. The human is having lunch. I use my patented sad eyes look to convince her to give me a ham and cheese sandwich.

1:30 PM. The mailman passes by on the road below without dropping anything off at the mailbox. Let's make that a habit, you fiend.

6:25 PM. Dinner with the human. She's made macaroni and meat, and has given me a plate for myself.

This is good!

8:47 PM. Startled out of my reverie by the crack of thunder.

Okay, Loki, calm down. It's outside. It can't hurt you.

8:55 PM. Barking at the lightning, warning it who's boss.

9:03 PM. More lightning, and the sound of rain outside. 

Human? If you need me, I'll be down in the basement rec room, taking up my post behind the couch.

11:45 PM. The human has gone off to bed. The rain continues outside, but the lightning has ended. I hope the human keeps her door open, because if we get more of it in the night, I am totally racing up there and hiding under the bed.