Gollum And The Precious Nomination

Since I had my take on Donald Trump's speech last week, fair's fair and so here's a take on Hillary's acceptance speech this week. 

“I must say, basking in triumph like this is very, very satisfactory. It will only be all the more so in November when we’ve won and I finally get to call myself President Hillary Rodham Clinton. And then rub it in the face of that oompa loompa.

Thank you for your confidence in me. I’ve wanted this for many, many years. Longer than anyone can know. We’re so close to the mountain top. It’s just there, that much closer after all the work we’ve done for years and years and years on end. I’m ready to plant the flag on the top. Which reminds me of the stories about who I was named after. You know, you can go on for years thinking you’re named for Edmund Hillary because of his great triumph in reaching the top of the highest mountain on earth... before you realize you were born a few years too early. Oh well, that’s a detail, and sometimes details are things we overlook.

Where was I? Oh yes, wanting this for many years. The presidency is something I’ve been close to for a long time. And I wanted it. Oh, did I want it. I needed it. I had to have it. It was mine, my own, my precious...

I’m getting carried away with myself again.

My point is when I was growing up I already decided to myself that I wanted to be in the White House. And not just as a First Lady or as a Cabinet member or whatever. As the one person making the big decisions. No, not the court jester. Which reminds me, what’s Carville doing these days?

I wanted to be the President. Not just the President, but the very first woman President.

I wanted to be that trailblazer, showing the way to the future, showing young girls that hey, you too can grow up to be the President of the United States. Eventually. After you’ve married a governor who ends up being President himself. After you’ve done time... in the Senate, people, in the Senate! Not the big house, despite what Chris Christie and the oompa loompa think should happen to me. Honestly, Governor Christie, how do you live with yourself?

Where was I? Right. After time in the Senate. And then Secretary of State.

But before that came my first run at the nomination. Eight years ago.

Of course the party didn’t see things my way eight years ago. Instead they gave it to the President.

They stoles it from us! Nasty filthy little hobbitses, it was ours! Ours! And they stoles it!

Ahem. Sorry about that. I got a little off track.

So everything I did was about getting myself in place for this great day. Well, this great day and the election day, which will be even greater.

Yes, we managed to get through the Sixties. Like Bill, I didn’t inhale. Though it might have been okay in retrospect if I had inhaled. I might have ended up being a bit more mellow and laid back, and well, kind of human in the way I interact with people. Oh well, at least I don’t come across like a complete robot, unlike a certain Republican I won’t mention.

Marco Rubio, I’m looking at you.

So there we were, getting ourselves established, living like the other half lived, or whatever that expression meant. Making our bona fides known and having a daughter we’re so very proud of and all that. And have I mentioned how pleased I am to be a grandmother? It really works well with the focus groups, even if I can’t knit so much as one of those adorable baby socks you see in all the nostalgic magazines about grandmotherhood.

Aren’t babies precious?

My precious, my precious... we wants it!

Oh, there I go again. Bill calls it my Smeagol moment. I kind of drift off into imitations of that character, that’s all. And that’s all they are. Imitations! I am not overly obsessed with the Ring of Sauron and I am not deranged and having conversations with myself all the time. There is no Ring of Sauron, and I’m not obsessed with it.

The Oval Office, on the other hand...

Anyway, I know what the polls say. That I’m one of the most unfavourable candidates in American history. Rest assured, though, that the oompa loompa is even more unlikable than I am. So to the voters out there who haven’t decided, ask yourself this: do you want someone who brings experience and wisdom and the occasional streak of being a bit terribly unlikable in the Oval Office? Do you want someone who’s from time to time been investigated by the FBI like I have? Do you want someone whose party has perpetually asked, are we sure it has to be her?

Or do you want a tiny handed oompa loompa with zero political experience, business disasters, and no social skills?

America, let’s move forward together. We’ve done it before. I’ve done it before, what with forgiving my husband every time he’s gone astray. Which reminds me, to the White House interns of the female persuasion, you won’t have to worry. I’m having Bill fitting with an electro-shock collar that gives him a jolt any time he gets turned on.

Oh, sure, Bill, laugh now, but you won’t be laughing the first time you get shocked.

My fellow Americans, I look forward to serving as your President. I look forward to leading this country forward past all the division and the rancor. I really look forward to sitting in the Oval Office making all the big decisions.

Because it’s mine. Mine! My own! My precious! We needs it! We wants it! It’s ours! Nasty Bernies Sanderses standing in our way! It’s ours!

Ahem... there I go again. Sorry. I get carried away sometimes.

Thank you for your support. To those members of the party who wanted Bernie up here, I will do everything I can to gain your trust, even if I have to name the cranky old guy to my cabinet. To the oompa loompa, I say this: Donald, everyone knows it’s a combover.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I see that Bill’s sniffing around the barely legal daughter of the governor.”

The Extra Short Orange Running Mate

Washed Up Reality Television Star Expresses Ambitions While Being Oblivious To Reality

New York (AP) With the Democratic National Convention getting started this week, and Hillary Clinton often going on and on about what she calls “her precious”, all eyes are on Philadelphia, where the party will be giving the former Secretary of State what she has always wanted- the nomination for the presidency and her ticket to power. There has been much speculation as to who Clinton would be designating as her Vice President. Some more cynical observers have noted that the Vice President would be far more important than usual given the inevitable impeachment of President Clinton (the Second).

Numerous Democrats have been jockeying for the position, while party operatives have been trying to push other names. Elizabeth Warren has been set aside, given concerns by the candidate that she would be constantly upstaged by “someone more likable than me.” Bernie Sanders, who gave Hillary a run for her money throughout the campaign before finally throwing in the towel, has been set aside as a possible contender, given the fact that the two dislike each other. Ultimately the task- and perhaps the future presidency- was given to Senator Tim Kaine of Virginia.

It wasn’t just Democrats trying to get the job. Last week, in the midst of the Republican convention, members of the press were summoned to a press conference in New York by an enigmatic invitation alluding to the Democratic Vice Presidency. Gathered together in a hall at the Javits Center, reporters speculated as to who might be trying to make their own bid at the proverbial second chair. Might Joe Biden be making a second go at the job? Or even odder, did Bill Clinton himself want the job? 

Finally a spokesperson came out on stage, calling for the attention of the assembled media.  “Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for coming,” the woman said as she stepped up to the podium. “Without further ado, well, here she is. She really needs no introduction, because everyone knows her and loves her.”

The spokesperson stepped aside. Music started to blare- some sort of house music or hip hop; this reporter really can’t tell the difference. And out onto the stage walked a short woman with big hair and orange tanned skin. Reporters gasped, rolled their eyes, and found themselves wondering how a washed up reality show star from Jersey Shore could have managed to assemble them all together under false pretenses.

She was Nicole Polizzi, otherwise known to the world as Snooki.

Waving to the crowd, totally oblivious to the eye rolling, sighs of dismay, and shaking of heads, Snooki strode up to the podium, only to find that she couldn’t see over the top. “Damn it!” she blurted out, reaching up and managing to grab the mike. “Who the **** didn’t put a step stool here like I asked?”

Snooki came out from behind the podium, glared at her spokesperson, who stood at least a foot taller than her, and then faced the media, pasting on her vacant grin with the dimwitted expression in her eyes. “Hey there!” she called out, waving again. “Thanks for coming!”

“Are you just wasting our time?” one reporter inquired of her.

Snooki looked confused. “Why do people keep asking me that?”

“Because it’s a pretty reasonable assumption,” this reporter said.

“Look, no, no ****ing way,” she assured the reporters. “Am I the sort of person who’d waste your time? No, of course not. I mean, what am I, a Kardashian?” This reporter rolled his eyes, wondering what would be more tedious and annoying, sitting through this or sitting through a drunken ramble by one of the Kardashians. “By the way, are we broadcasting live?”

“No, we’re not,” one of the television reporters replied for all of her colleagues, looking at her watch, no doubt wondering, as this reporter was, how long she might have to put up with this sort of nonsense from a washed up MTV star.

“Well you’ll wish you were,” Snooki promised. “Because I’m here to announce my candidacy for the Vice President of the United States, on the Democratic ticket with my BFF Hillary.”

Reporters stifled laughter. One asked, “BFF? Have you ever actually met her?”

Snooki shrugged. “No, but what the **** difference does that make anyway?”

This reporter spoke up. “First of all, under the rules, a Presidential candidate and their team select a Vice Presidential candidate. A person doesn’t just come out of nowhere and say they’re going to name drop themselves as a Vice Presidential candidate. Second, you’re not known for politics. You’re known for a multitude of bad reality shows on a network that used to run music videos, for getting drunk and in trouble, and, to put it mildly, for being an idiot.”

“Hey, guido, don’t you call me names,” Snooki replied.

“Guido?” this reporter challenged the idiot.

“That’s what I call everybody. Guido, wop, douchebag, whatever slang term comes to mind,” Snooki explained. “That doesn’t matter. What matters is that I can bring the young beach going Jersey vote to Hillary for the big win in November. All she has to do is say pretty please, Snooki, and promise to let me be president one day out of every week. ‘Cause I’d like to send the Navy SEALS to bust up the Situation’s ass.” She was grinning with maniacal glee, in a way that suggested she wasn’t quite playing with a full deck.

“You can’t be serious,” another reporter objected.

“Of course I am,” Snooki declared. “And you know what else I can do as Vice President. Say Hillary needs Bill outta her hair? I can keep the First Dude distracted. Pretty much the same way Monica kept him distracted. I really am the perfect choice for the job. I’ve got attitude, street smarts, a great rep with all the hip people, and I’ve got orange skin. I can be the anti-Trump. Anyway, that’s my announcement. Hillary, have your people call my people, and we’ll do lunch!”

She left the stage, and reporters found themselves snickering, sighing, shaking their heads, and wondering if they’d woken up in some pocket universe where reality had gone haywire. Of course, with the other party fielding a candidate who’d spent his own years in reality television, the world had already gone haywire long before now.

The last word goes to an unnamed member of the Clinton campaign, a distinguished older fellow using the codename El Cigaro. He laughed off the offer by Snooki. “You know, as much as I’d enjoy being distracted... I mean, as much as Bill would enjoy being distracted by Snooki in that fashion, her bein’ the Vice Presidential candidate? It just isn’t gonna happen. Hillary, or the ol’ ball and chain as I like to call her, shook her head, said something like, Hell no, and then started muttering, my precious, my precious, it’s mine, they stoles it froms us. You know, between you and me and Monica, she might be gettin’ a little bit obsessive about the whole thing. Don’t tell her I said that, okay? She’s got me by the short hairs.”

Can We Vote For None Of The Above?

Candidates Persist In Endless Election Campaign; Voters Hedge Bets

Washington (AP) Five candidates remain between the two parties vying for the presidency of the United States. On the Democrat side, Bernie Sanders continues to interfere in Hillary Clinton’s crusade to take what she believes belongs to her. On the Republican side, developer blowhard Donald Trump persists in alienating endless groups of people while attracting dimwits, a problem copied by his chief rival, Ted Cruz, and Governor John Kasich remains a dark horse contender, at least until the convention.

The Republican nominees, at one point numbering in the dozens, has been whittled down increasingly in recent weeks. Marco Rubio recently stepped aside after losing in his home state. Hulk Hogan, the controversial ex-wrestler who launched an unlikely bid, finally withdrew, but promised that if asked, “I’ll bust up Trump again, brother!” This of course was a reference to the fact that Hogan and his campaign manager, Ric Flair, beat up the developer months ago and put him in a body cast.

It is an attack that Trump has not forgotten. Aside from vowing blood vengeance against the wrestler, he’s spent time savaging every single opponent in the most vulgar ways, even while confined to a body cast. He has attacked members of the media with regularity. He has launched dimwitted rants against multiple minorities. And he has brought out the absolute worst in his supporters, even gaining the support of the Ku Klux Klan and its former leader David Duke along the way. All the while, Trump has responded viciously to any even minor criticism or insult, proving that he has the thinnest skin of any public figure alive today.

Last week, Trump put his foot in his overly sized mouth yet again after Hogan’s withdrawal, mysteriously linking the wrestler to someone who’s not a waste of space. “Loser!” he spewed to a crowd of his supporters. “The man’s a yuuuuuuuuuuuuge loser! Terrible! Just disgusting. Can’t even finish what he started, quits when he’s not even near to being ahead, just a loser! Not a winner, not like Donald Trump. Hogan’s a washed up nobody. I mean, he’s as much of a disgusting loser as that ****ing Pope guy, let me tell you, okay? Peace on earth and do good to your fellow ****ing man? You know who says that? Losers!”

Pope Francis simply shrugged when asked about Trump’s venom, and remarked, “There are some people in this world who hide their bitter miserable nature beneath a facade of braggadocio and ego. It has been my experience that there is little point in reaching them. I simply pray that the American people vote with wisdom instead of impulsiveness. Positivity instead of negativity. And if in doubt, ask yourself: do I really want a mouthy thin skinned arrogant bastard like Donald Trump anywhere near a nuclear arsenal?”

Ted Cruz has had his own share of gaffes throughout the campaign. He’s desperately trying to position himself as the only viable alternative to Trump in the party, particularly with so many other candidates fallen away. And yet he’s routinely despised within the Republican Party, and has been for years. “I know not everyone approves,” Cruz said during a stop in Albany, New York. “But who am I to deny what God has told me? The Almighty wants me to be President of the United States and to make society back to what it should be, not to what it has become. So, if you don’t vote for me, you’ll be making God mad at you.”

Renowned therapist Dr. Alexandra Patterson, a psychologist with specialities in megalomania among public figures, has been regularly rolling her eyes when consulted by reporters throughout the campaign. “I know this isn’t a clinical diagnosis, and usually I wouldn’t diagnose anyone without seeing them, but if you ask me, Trump and Cruz are both batshit crazy.”

When the blowhard heard those remarks, Trump was furious. “Loser! Loser! Disgusting! What kinda therapist is she anyway? What are her credentials? She’s just one of those loser elites who hate me and my dumbass inbred supporters.” He paused, as if hearing his own words. “Wait a minute, don’t you ****ers quote that last sentence, you hear me?”

John Kasich has been busy campaigning in New York State lately, working to shore up support before the convention, even if he is well behind Trump and Cruz. Republican party officials, desperately trying to find a way to deny Trump the nomination, might be looking at the governor as the lesser of three evils in a brokered convention. The governor, whose most recent gaffe happens to be minor- eating pizza in the wrong way- seemed optimistic in remarks to reporters out on the campaign trail. “I can tell you this- unlike Mr. Cruz or Mr. Trump, you would never see me launch a nuclear strike on Kansas just because someone in Kansas City criticized me. Maybe North Korea. That’s a joke, by the way.”

Hillary Clinton, the former senator and Secretary of State, long since presumed the front runner of the Democrats, has been busy fending off attacks on her credibility, questions about links to Wall Street donors, queries about where her husband happens to be, and suggestions that she’s behaving far too much like Gollum in her zest for the Oval Office. “It’s mine!” she screeched in a raspy voice on stage late one evening last week. “My own! My precious! I wants it! I must haves it! And no nasty Hobbits or Sanders can keep us from it!”

A campaign spokesperson, speaking strictly on anonymous terms, informed reporters that the candidate had a very long day and was tired. “In fact, it’s been a very long campaign,” she told reporters. “And a difficult one. Secretary Clinton is quite stressed out, so believe me... you don’t want to talk to her right now. She might rip your head off. Literally as well as figuratively.”

Senator Sanders continues to hit the campaign trail, seemingly tireless, meeting crowds, engaging the public, campaigning largely with a positive spin on his ideas- a change from the endless toxic nature of many of the other campaigns.  He refuses to descend into the proverbial muck of other candidates. Party officials appear oblivious, seeming to prefer Secretary Clinton as their eventual winner. “We’ll see what we see,” Sanders told reporters. “I think it’s more important to connect with people right now than to dwell on what the party’s thinking.”

Many voters remain undecided. With Cruz and Trump in front of the Republican list, and Hillary demanding a coronation among the Democrats, there is a sense of malaise and discontent among voters, perhaps looking at other parties. A suggestion has been made for another candidate- though she isn’t even human, and has already been on the record, thanks to cat to human translation software, as refusing to run. “No,” she insisted. “I don’t care.”

Is It An Invasion When You Are Invited?

Endless Election Campaign Goes On; Possible Solutions On The Horizon

Washington (AP) The U.S. election campaign grinds on as slowly as ever while November seems ages away. While the Democratic nominees have come down to two candidates, Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders, there are still several Republican candidates trying to kill each other (literally in one case) for the nomination. American voters, meanwhile, find themselves asking the inevitable question: is this how bad the candidates are?

Donald Trump, the perceived front runner in the GOP (despite the fact that the Republican leadership dreads the idea of his getting the nomination), real estate developer, and mouthy blowhard, has been in traction for months, issuing his obnoxiousness even from a sickbed, attacking every single target coming his way, including most recently the Pope. After getting trashed by rival candidate Hulk Hogan and his campaign manager Ric Flair months ago, Trump hasn’t let broken bones slow him down, issuing endless crass attack diatribes and stroking his own ego. “My inauguration party is going to be huge! Huuuuuuuuge! And we’re gonna force the Mexicans to pay for it!” he boasted yesterday.

From his offices in Mexico City, Mexican President Enrique Nieto rolled his eyes when the press asked about the latest Trump statement. “You know, we’ve tried to be as polite as we can, putting up with this kind of nonsense from that self absorbed ass. Enough’s enough. To use an American phrase... Donald Trump can go **** himself.”

Ted Cruz is still putting up a fight for the nomination, while avoiding the subject of his own birthplace- Calgary, Alberta. “I’m a proud American!” Cruz insisted. “Contrary to some rumours that have been floating about lately, I was not sent in by a Canadian super-villain to undermine the American political scene. I bleed red white and blue and my heart always belongs to Cana... I mean, to America! America! Yes, that’s right!” He and Marco Rubio have been trying to position themselves as the ideal alternate candidate to Trump (while Rubio is given to frequent repetitiveness in his speeches), which includes tearing each other apart. Ben Carson, once at the top of some polls, has been largely sleeping his way through press conferences.

John Kasich remains in place as a candidate, quietly working away at his campaign, even if he’s not getting as much notice as he’d like. Some Republican party officials have expressed hope that Kasich might be seen as the only reasonable option compared to, in the words of one insider, “the rest of those bloody lunatics.”

Former Vice President Dan Quayle, once considered a dullard during his days in the job, shrugged when reporters found him in a classroom trying to figure out how to spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. “You know, once upon a time a lot of people made fun of my intellectual abilities. I can say with great pleasure that I feel vindicated by the fact that compared to Trump, Rubio, and Cruz, I’m a smart guy.”

President Obama, meanwhile, is largely staying out of the election, aside from the odd put down of Trump. He’s busy doing his job- running the country and deciding on a nominee for the newly vacant Supreme Court seat now that Justice Scalia is roasting somewhere in a place with no air conditioning. Rumour has it that comedian Lewis Black is among the contenders.

Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann- who launched a joint run at the nomination, boasting that they could be president in turns- dropped out two weeks ago. They were grinning obliviously when they met the press, both of them seemingly drunk. “Well, you know, it’s not our time,” Palin admitted. “So we decided to get out before we ran out of the money our supporters gave us.”

Bachmann nodded. “Yes, we’re spendin’ the rest on a big tailgate party of booze and barbecue, and then we’re going to go all scorched earth on whoever wins the nomination, just so we can get ourselves set up for running again in 2020.”

“Palin and Bachmann 2020!” Palin hollered, smiling like a demented twit. “We'll wreck the country... I mean, we'll save the country! You betcha!”

There are other candidates already thinking of four years down the line. An independent candidate has come forward in recent days, calling the press together for an impromptu press conference. She was once at the center of impeachment proceedings against President Bill Clinton. She was the subject of endless comedy punchlines. Monica Lewinsky, one time White House intern, spokesperson, and public speaker, was beaming when she was introduced. 

“You know, I think voters are sick and tired of both sides, Republican and Democrat alike," she told reporters. "There need to be more voices in the political process in this country. Truly independent thinkers who are beholden to no one- this is what we need in America. I think I could do quite well as an independent voice apart from the crowd. I already have plenty of experience in the Oval Office, after all.” She smiled with pride, paused for a moment before continuing. Reporters wondered if the former President Clinton might be watching this. “Well, I am proud to announce my candidacy for President of the United States in 2020. Vote for Monica, because I know how to get things finished. With a happy ending.”

The announcement displeased Hillary Clinton, at an event in South Carolina, where she was yelling at some of her aides, witnessed by reporters at a distance in the conference center. “This is supposed to be my time! And that **** steals my thunder??? I deserve the White House! It’s mine! It belongs to me! Mine, mine, mine! My own! My precious! How dare she make an announcement while I’m on my way to my destiny! Crowned Empress Hillary The First! Wait... what are those reporters doing over there? Did they hear me?”

Meanwhile, the last of her Democrat opponents, Bernie Sanders, continues his efforts, speaking at events, stressing his campaign platform ideas, such as universal healthcare, improved education, and civility in political life. As seemingly the only rational adult in the campaign, Sanders is outnumbered by nutcases, ambitious buffoons, and blowhards.

A solution to the Republican standoff is coming from the strangest of places. Survivor host and reality show producer Jeff Probst offered a suggestion this week in a press conference. “This could go on for weeks, perhaps all the way to the convention. All the while, it will prove to be more embarrassing to the party and the country. And rather than go through the actual measured steps of the electoral process, why not make something entertaining of it? Well, I thought why not make a one-time reality show of it? A live version of Thunderdome, like from those Mad Max films. George Miller told me to **** off when I asked him to let me use that word, so instead we’re going with Battle Arena.”

Probst grinned like the half-witted moron that some assume he is. “So here we have the idea: the remaining Republican candidates all go into a large, caged space. We hang all sorts of weapons around. Crow bars, tire irons, chain saws, sledge hammers, whatever we can think of. And whoever’s left when it’s all done wins the nomination. If you ask me, I’d put my money on Kasich. It’s always the quiet ones who end up being the most resourceful in a fight.”

Hulk Hogan, still in the running as a presidential candidate, approved of the idea. The former wrestler was with his campaign manager and former wrestling rival Ric Flair at an event in Charleston when they spoke to the press. “This is just the sort of thing that we used to do in wrestlin’, brother... cage matches and steel chairs and cheatin’ and gougin’ eyes and all that, brother.”

Flair grinned and clapped Hogan on the shoulder. “Wooooooooo!!!!! Now this just means the Hulkster is gonna to actually hit people with foreign objects instead of fakin’ it! This is what we’re meant to do! The Battle Arena format is practically rigged for the Hulkster to win! Get used to these three words: President Hulk Hogan!”

Hogan laughed and started singing as the two headed off. “Hail to the Hulk, he’s the one we all say hail to...”

As has been the case in previous years, some American citizens are musing on leaving for Canada depending on the results of the election. Some Republican supporters have threatened that over Obamacare; whether or not it occurred to them that they’d be moving to a country with universal care that was generally to the left of the Democrats is another story. Democrat supporters did some of that during the Years of Dubya (otherwise known in some circles as The Age Of Darkness).

The same trend is showing up this year among Republican voters, dreading the idea of Hillary Clinton as President. Democrat supporters are talking about the idea should the impossible happen and Trump end up cheating his way into the White House. Mass migrations into the Great White North may be an issue the Canadian government will have to deal with either way.

Another idea is starting to gain ground, with tens of thousands of members already joining a group in Connecticut. It is founded out of a serious concern that the election might end up pitting Trump against Clinton, a prospect none of its members like. Calling itself by the peculiar moniker Invite The Canucks Association, the group has suggested that in the case of those two being the final nominees, a petition should be made to the Canadian government.

“If these two are the final candidates, than frankly, this country has come to the point where it’s a failure,” Caroline Travers, a university professor and founder of the group told reporters. “We will have failed our Founding Fathers, who will be ashamed of what’s become of us, of how far we have fallen. We have made this country a joke. If that is the case... we have only one option. To petition the Canadian government to come in, to take over, to turn our states into provinces in the constitutional monarchy that is Canada. That means certain changes. Gun control, universal health care, learning how to spell words like colour in the proper English, instead of color. It means having the Queen as our Queen, instead of being in a republic.”

She carried on speaking after a pause. “It means having a leader who understands working together, tact, and diplomacy as opposed to self centered me first vindictiveness. Canada got rid of one of those guys last fall, after all. It means we start drinking Canadian beer, because let’s face it, American beer has always been watered down at best. It means we get to like Canadian bacon, and how to eat poutine. It means we’re going to have to get used to being obsessed about hockey as a national sport. It means we’re all going to have to learn how to make love in a canoe. Well, not at the same time, obviously, because that might end up resembling an orgy.”